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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

260 replies

dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:15

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

OP posts:
PuddleJumper01 · 07/03/2017 23:18

No, you're absolutely not.

But if this is the man you want to father your children, you should be able to have an honest discussion with him, where you acknowledge his dream and what this means to him balanced against yours and what it means to you.

Otherwise, don't have kids. It won't go well...

babyunicornvomit · 07/03/2017 23:19

I see both sides really - obviously any job is better than no job, and maybe it's something he's always wanted to do?

However personally I think YANBU, I'd be really annoyed if my DP wanted this job. My cousin is a cabin crew girl and she's home weird times (usually only 2/3 nights a week) and gets paid about £18k, doesn't seem worth it for what he'd be missing out on. Have you voiced your concerns to him? x

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:20

We've discussed it and I've made my concerns clear. He acknowledges them, but he's still going ahead with the assessment.

He says it's all theoretical as he probably won't get the job/we don't have a baby yet. That is of course true, but it's still sitting quite badly with me. He gets to pursue his dream goal while I'm the little woman at home struggling with a baby by myself...

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 07/03/2017 23:22

Sorry but yes you are.
If it's his dream job and had a chance at it good for him.
You don't say how old you are (if age is even an issue regarding children) but if your worried about being alone with a baby then you might want to put off trying until you know what is happening job wise with the cabin crew job?
On the piditivdsidr it's not do bad being on your own with a baby. My Dh was away a lot with out first and it can be easier to get a good routine going when it's just you and baby.

Wando1986 · 07/03/2017 23:23

My sister worked for cabin crew on the airbus. It's not a job I'd want for my partner ever, simply because I know what goes on. More shagging about than those in Uniform. Confused

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:23

18k? Bloody hell, that really isn't much for what it entails.

The one he's gone for says £21-25k, but tbh his job now (which he really doesn't like) brings in between 21-23k a year depending on his shifts. There's no advantage financially.

I do want him to pursue his dreams and he's always wanted to do the job. I feel so torn about it.

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JonesyAndTheSalad · 07/03/2017 23:23

I think YABU. If he wants to do this job, then he should have the freedom to do so. Being married of course might sometimes mean compromise but I feel strongly that one's employment is SUCH a big part of day to day life, that it is vital that partners support one another in the jobs they choose.

If you don't want to be "the little woman struggling with a baby"/....don't be.

There will be nothing stopping you from seeking a job you want to do....of coure maternity leave can make this tricky....but these are the choices all women have to make.

Do you want to be a Mother really? If you see it as an inevitable struggle already, perhaps it's not for you?

Patriciathestripper1 · 07/03/2017 23:24

On the plus side! Fkin auto correct

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:24

I'm late thirties, so putting off ttc is not an option. It's proving a horrendous nightmare as it is.

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Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:26

Of course I want to be a mother [Patriciathestripper1]

I just don't want to be a mother where the father isn't there half the time!

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Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:26

bold fail there

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Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:27

Ugh Wando1986 just don't mention the shagging.

Although I do trust dp 100%. I couldn't imagine him ever cheating. He's very loyal and loving.

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Backinthebox · 07/03/2017 23:28

"More shagging about than those in Uniform." Really? I must have missed this in my 18 years working on aeroplanes then!

JonesyAndTheSalad · 07/03/2017 23:28

Lots of Fathers work away OP. If that's not for you...and you KNOW it's not...then perhaps you have to reconsider having a baby with this man. You seem to have idealogical differences.

HeddaGarbled · 07/03/2017 23:28

I think it's one of those jobs which seems glamorous from the outside but not so great once you're doing it. Maybe it's something he needs to get out of his system and once he's done it for a year or two, he'll have had enough.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:32

I know they do JonesyAndTheSalad My own DF did.

I just feel that if a man is going to be away half the time that there should be some sort of financial benefit to it. My DF was on a bloody good wage!

I'm REALLY surprised he would want to apply for this job now tbh, as he absolutely hates being away from me. It used to be his dream at one point, but I thought circumstances had changed iyswim?

Clearly they haven't and it's something he still very much wants to do. So I need to come to terms with that and I'm struggling right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:33

Yeah HeddaGarbled I suspect it's not quite as glamorous as it's made out to be.

He's just bloody obsessed with planes. He should have been a pilot! Smile

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Rufus27 · 07/03/2017 23:33

My DP works for an airline and I definitely shared your concerns before DS came last year. However, I have to say he actually sees more of DS than lots of my friends' kids' dads. He tends to have week days rather than weekends off so he will be around for school pick ups/drop offs in the future. The hardest part is that no two rosters are the same so we can't plan ahead with childcare. (He has different days off each week.).

Have you thought about a compromise? Working for a smaller regional airline may well mean fewer (if any) night stops. You will still have unusual hours, but I can't say these are necessarily worse than 9-5. For example, DP worked 9.30-4.30 yesterday, 3.30-11.30 today and is on standby tomorrow. This will of course depend how close you are to his base airport too.

scaryteacher · 07/03/2017 23:35

More shagging about than those in Uniform. ??? Which uniform would that be then?

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:36

It's an international airline he's applied for Rufus27

We are London based, but now especially near the airport.

I'm glad it works out well for you. Perhaps it could work out for us as well?

Another worry is that we'd planned to move away from London in a year or two and buy a house. That's not going to happen if he's jetting off to foreign climes though!

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ADayGivingMeHope · 07/03/2017 23:36

Your wrong if you try to stop him doing the job of his dreams.
30-40 years in a job you hate when you could be doing what you love is really a miserable thought... I really know this!

You can pursue your dream job too you know, it's not all one sided, although having maternity leave does put a gap in things... if it's something you'd want to consider then the father can take extended paternity leave now if the mother goes back to work.

unfortunateevents · 07/03/2017 23:40

The initial assessment is still a long way off actually getting the job (not to put a downer on things, but it is). So I wouldn't rain on his parade too much until he finds out how that has gone. If he gets through to the next stage though, it's time to have an open conversation.

If you are late 30s though, is your partner younger than you? It just seems like something that a 20-something year old would be applying for, not someone in his late 30s.

Okkitokkiunga · 07/03/2017 23:40

Don't cabin crew get really good deals on flights for family? That could be a financial benefit as you may be able to travel with him sometimes depending on where he's going/your work commitments.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:44

Yes he's in his twenties unfortunateevents That's why I'm trying to keep a lid on my feelings. I don't want to be the horrible partner stopping him fulfilling his dreams. I know it's only an assessment. Perhaps best to play by ear for now?

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BoomBoomsCousin · 07/03/2017 23:45

TBH from what you say I would be troubled by his desire to pursue this now and YANBU. If it's been his dream for years but this is the first time he's applied for it - just before you marry and try for a child - I would wonder how much he really wants the marriage and child.

If I've misunderstood and he's been trying to do this the whole time you've known him but this is the first time his application has been considered then I think you were perhaps a bit U to expect things to change now.

The salary does seem low for a job that's intended to support a family though - women on here constantly talk about how their getting a job won't cover the child care provided - that is surely even more the case when the job will take you away over night etc. It doesn't seem like he's really taking on board the financial needs of your, presumably joint, decision to try for a child.