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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

260 replies

dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:15

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 08/03/2017 07:46

I'm sure he does want marriage, and babies, in a "yeah, lovely, wouldn't that be nice at some point" way.

Problem is your body clock is at a very different point to his. He'd be happy (and capable) of having babies in 5,10, 15 years, and the idea is nice but not as nice as the idea of a cabin crew job right now. He has no idea of the practicalities of babies, and realistically if you asked him to choose right now, I think the job would win.

He's just in a very different place in life right now. He (and you) basically need to admit that.

TheNaze73 · 08/03/2017 07:47

OP, why on earth are you trying to stop someone, you supposedly love, from pursuing their dream job? You sound incredibly selfish

RayofFuckingSunshine · 08/03/2017 07:47

He is NBU to apply for the job, and you ANBU to be upset about it. I think, from what I have read here, that you are both just at different points in your life. I also think that, although difficult, it is better that this comes up now rather than in a few years. I'd seriously take this time to reconsider OP. I'm not saying it can't work, because it probably can. But I suspect that neither of you will be happy in the long term following on this path.

SookiesSocks · 08/03/2017 07:49

Because he'll be away solidly for several days at a time.

You know this for a fact? Sorry I must have missed the post from the OP that states his shift pattern.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 08/03/2017 07:53

When I lived in London, most of my antenatal group had husbands who's job required trips abroad. It's not limited to cabin crew.

Jellybellyqueen · 08/03/2017 07:56

But it IS an international airline, reasonable to assume he'll be doing some long haul.

Levatrice · 08/03/2017 07:57

I dont think yabu to be annoyed but he is nbu to apply.

to bring in a baby to all this resentment will only heighten this and will not end well.

You seem to be in totally different places right now even though he says he wants marriage/babies/ a home life.

I would seriously reconsider the IVF. He wont be able to be counted on for any chilcare when you are at work due to his roster ( i speak as ex crew and believe me it is near impossible to switch duties or holiday) the money isnt great and he will want the whole life that
Goes with being crew which means socialising during 'home time' as well, and using staff travel. Its not a job its a lifestyle and kids do not fit in it well. I would love to go back flying but it is practically non-doable. Why should you have to work around all of that?

Cut your losses Op its perfectly acceptable for baby to be your priority now but i dont think its his at all

MrsExpo · 08/03/2017 07:57

Reading this through OP ... sorry to have to ask this, but you're late thirties and he's in his twenties .... are you sure he really does want to start a family, move out of London, buy a house etc etc? It's reading to me like he's having serious second thoughts about all of this and is looking at other options for his life.

FinallyHere · 08/03/2017 08:09

There is a disconnect here, which lots of PPs have picked up on, between what he is telling you 'wants to get married and have a family' and what he is doing 'applying for his dream job which will take him away on an unpredictable schedule'.

You could be glad that you have discovered this before any babies arrive. Imagine being on your own with twins and decide whether that is what you want for your life. It,s not unreasonable, but be clear what you are signing up for. No one is rally being unreasonable, yet. All the best.

everybodysang · 08/03/2017 08:14

I have my dream job. I work away quite a lot. Somehow I manage not to shag around and DH manages most of the childcare and we are very happily married.

I love MN but sometimes people are very restricted in their outlook.

ExConstance · 08/03/2017 08:24

I have a friend who was a pilot for 25 years, he said the worst thing about the job was that people assumed it was one long shagfest - and he didn't stray once. There is a category of female cabin crew that used to want marriage to a pilot, most of the male cabin crew are gay, I'd say there is more of that sort of activity in the legal profession.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 08:25

I will not be reconsidering my IVF. I do not have time to fuck about with it to put it bluntly. I am running out of time and I want a child.

He's been totally on board with the ivf so far and 100% supportive. He doesn't see it as something for the future, nor does he see our marriage like that given we're getting married this summer.

Actually he can't go and have children anytime as our infertility is male factor. Quite a few assumptions here that it must be my issue.

This job isn't making me doubt his commitment. I know he wants to be with me. The trouble is I've always been the person that makes things work for us. Therefore in his mind I honestly think he believes my magic capabilities will make this situation work as well. That probably doesn't make sense, but I know what I mean.

Perhaps it could work. I really don't know. I still don't know as there's a lot of varying opinions on here. I am reading them all though and listening.

Perhaps IABU and it could all work out wonderfully. I'm just quite upset at the timing. It's stress I don't need right now.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 08/03/2017 08:25

Depends which airline he's applied to, what his pay and conditions will be, but it's now a notoriously low paid industry, which is why there have been recent strikes by BA crew.

Those who have been with BA for decades can earn good money, but newer staff and those who work for the low cost airlines seem to make not much above minimum wage and there are still people queuing up to do the job.

If it's mainly short haul low cost, most trips will be there and back in a day, because that's how they work. The shift will be the time taken to get to the airport, get through security, paperwork, briefings etc, check/sort plane, get passengers on and fly, turn round, fly back again, sort plane, perhaps more paperwork etc and that's end of shift. They'll probably do as many shifts a month as they need to average a 40 ish hour week and rarely stay away unless there's an unexpected delay. But there will be early starts and late finishes. The OP can probably get a good idea of the expected shift pattern by looking at the schedules of the airline in question.

Whole different skill set needed to be a pilot, and don't they usually pay for their training these days, which is ££££s.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 08:26

I'm not worried about him shagging around and I've already stated that. I trust him 100%

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 08/03/2017 08:28

I suppose one thing to think about OP. Will you be able to carry on with your PT job with London flat with a baby? Even if the pay is low, the value of no rent in London is very significant.

Also, does he understand the reality of looking after a small baby, or will he be expecting you to always be the hands on one?

NameChange30 · 08/03/2017 08:31

Just read your update. YABU to go ahead with marriage and IVF with someone who expects you to take all the responsibility for "making things work" - unless you're happy to continue taking all the responsibility. For the practicalities, finances, childcare, housework, organisation and other "wifework"...

Good luck you'll need it

Kr1stina · 08/03/2017 08:33

He wants a baby the way that lots of men " want a baby". What they actually mean is " l like the idea of being a father and parading a cute LO about " .

They see it as you taking up a new hobby which they don't mind. Just as long as their life continues as it's always done.

They have NO intention of letting it affect their lives in anyway. They won't make any compromises, either in their career or their social life, for this child. They don't mind YOU having a baby as long as YOU take 95% of the responsibility for it.

And when they Do their 5% , they will want cookies for it

" I don't know what her problem is, I babysat for her at Christmas so she could go out with her mates "

" I'm a great dad, last week I even changed a nappy for her, what more does she want " .

And if you are not grateful enough for the 5% they do, or if you slip up on your other domestic servicing, they will fuck off elsewhere and do 0.1% of the parenting.

" Since the baby was born she never pays me any more attention , it's not fun anymore, we hardly even have sex because she says she's tired, she resents me going out with my mates and when I m at home i can never just relax , she's always nagging me "

Having a baby is YOUR dream. His dream is being cabin crew and doing what he wants, when he wants, while you care for his child 24/7 and provide the roof over his head .

If this is the kind of family life you want with this man, go right ahead and have that baby. Because that is what you are going to get.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 08:34

I'd get a few months off BarbaraOfSeville but then I would be expected to go back to it. It's a condition of the flat. It's very local and self directed, which is a bonus. I'd planned to fit it round when dp could look after baby though. Not sure how it will work now. Then again as someone has said up thread I don't actually know his working hours yet. Not that there are any yet as job is theoretical.

There's a lot to think about.

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 08/03/2017 08:35

I don't blame you OP and I woudl feel the same. I know several cabin crew people including my sister who's in her 40s. She does long haul and yes she works hard during the flights but she then has anything between one and 3 days on "rest" in a swanky hotel. She has teenage DC at home and I personally wouldn't put up with my H "resting" for 3 days thousand of miles away form their family.

My sisiter has a great life and has seen the world but I do feel for her DC and her H.

If I were you though I wouldn't stop him going for the job, or he will never forget that. I'd just hope he didn't get the job!

angelicjen · 08/03/2017 08:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I have a small child and, however much you love being a mother, it is hard, especially when you're ill or sleep deprived. I often count the hours until my dh gets in from work and I know he hates working late and missing his time with the baby.
I'd be worried your dp doesn't really want to be a father yet.
Plus is that really his dream job?!?! Sounds horrific to me, especially past your 20s.
I hope you find a way to both be happy.

Eliza22 · 08/03/2017 08:39

It doesn't pay well and the disruption to lifestyle can be enormous. If he is offered a job and doesn't take it because of your feelings, he may hold it against you.

Years ago, my DH wanted to take a job which involved HIM living in Switzerland. He'd be home 1/2 per month. I was 12 weeks pregnant. I was not happy. He didn't take it. Within 18 months the company went bust anyway so, nothing lost there. He always held it against me and although I didn't know it at the time, he went to "discuss it" with my sister. I discovered years later, he wanted her to talk me into a termination as he felt "the timing was all wrong for a baby". We are no longer together.

Discuss it with him. State your views and then he must make his own decision.

WinnieFosterTether · 08/03/2017 08:40

Ah, you're the person who makes everything work. I relate to that completely.
The problem is that at some point, you'll want him to step up and help to make everything work. Or you'll want him to make everything work for you. Neither of those demands would be UR but you already have a dynamic in your relationship that says you facilitate his life not vice versa. ime that isn't a healthy or sustainable dynamic.
I think relationship counselling might be a good idea. There are lots of issues being swept under the carpet and it would be better to bring them out into the open.

NameChange30 · 08/03/2017 08:40

Eliza
Shock Unbelievable. Thank God you're no longer with him.

NameChange30 · 08/03/2017 08:42

Winnie
"you already have a dynamic in your relationship that says you facilitate his life not vice versa. ime that isn't a healthy or sustainable dynamic.
I think relationship counselling might be a good idea. There are lots of issues being swept under the carpet and it would be better to bring them out into the open."

I think that's a good point and a good suggestion.

ApplePaltrow21 · 08/03/2017 08:43

I will not be reconsidering my IVF. I do not have time to fuck about with it to put it bluntly. I am running out of time and I want a child.

I think you have to be honest with yourself that this is really what you want and lower your expectations. You know this guy isn't really the right guy. But you want a baby and feel this is your last chance.

So my advice is to make it work. Accept who he is, stop complaining (you volunteered for this) and make it work.

My guess is you'll be back on mumsnet in a few years asking "AIBU my DH is lazy and does nothing for my DC." But you have to accept that you chose all this.