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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

260 replies

dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:15

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 08/03/2017 06:56

Hmm, he's twenties and with a life ahead and you are late thirties and want a child OP. This isn't going to end well.

CactusFred · 08/03/2017 06:58

YABU

A friend of mine's husband is cabin crew and has been for about 20 years. They had IVF (failed) then conceived naturally after that, 2 DCs. His schedule does mean he can be away a bit but they he's home for long periods and able to do a lot of childcare.

It's a job not a holiday!

lemondropcake · 08/03/2017 07:02

Yanbu. I have up my dream job and took on a run of the mill job that pays better and allows me to spend more time with my family.
when it comes to marriage and having a family, sometimes you have to make big sacrafices and put the family first.
I would not like dp working away. He probably can't see your point of view because baby isn't here yet and he is in a daydream bubble about his dream job...but to be honest he is already putting himself before his family if he knows how upset you are about it.

JustSpeakSense · 08/03/2017 07:14

You need to let your DH follow his dreams, you honestly need to find a way to suck it up.

You will find away to cope with his schedule, as many other people do.

papayasareyum · 08/03/2017 07:16

I think Mumsnet can be very gung-ho about partners working away. Generally speaking, I think it's quite a dangerous situation for any relationship, even the strongest ones. I've had a similar situation myself and it was one of the most stressful situations I've ever endured

Mimilondon39 · 08/03/2017 07:17

I used to be cabin crew and although basic salary is low you end up getting quite good pay with all the extras on top - at least you did with BA. Also there are loads of great perks - seriously I'd encourage him...my family were devastated when I left to pursue a career in banking!

Loopytiles · 08/03/2017 07:20

If a women planning DC wanted to pursue a job with irregular hours working away, she would not be told to "follow her dreams". But woe betide women who might "hold him back".

If he really does want DC, and a committed relationship, this is not a positive step. It would limit your WoH options significantly, and isn't even well paid.

Perhaps because there is uncertainty about whether it will be possible to have DC, he's not planning on that basis, which seems understandable given his age.

gingertigercat · 08/03/2017 07:21

If it was me, I would let him do it. IVF isn't for a month and it takes 9 months to grow a baby which is plenty of time for him to get a feel for whether this job is worth it.

However, I would also tell him that I wasn't prepared to do 80% of the child rearing while he was away and ask what his plans were for ensuring he does 50% of the work at home. Particularly given that ivf has a higher chance of multiple pregnancy if I'm not mistaken.

He could surprise you.

Screwinthetuna · 08/03/2017 07:21

Depends on the airline, really. My friend'a DH works for easyJet and seems to be home more than he's working. Only short flights, never sleeps out, lots of annual leave and can call in 'fatigued' often, it seems. Pay isn't great but if you are an employee, you can buy shares in the company and he's made a tonne that way.
You have to be trusting though, not sure id like my DH to be working with mostly young women all day because I'm very insecure like that

user1471545174 · 08/03/2017 07:24

I wouldn't pursue any of this, OP, sorry.

Mimilondon39 · 08/03/2017 07:25

Also, not trying to sound harsh, but he hasn't been offered the job yet and also you don't have a baby yet - why not let him live his dream for now - if you have children and it's becoming tough then you can always rethink - he may be able to go part time or become ground crew. Let him be happy - you'd hope he'd do the same for you...

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/03/2017 07:25

Sounds like you have different dreams

If he really wanted a baby with all his heart - why would be apply for this ? It's doesn't add up . You need to talk specially before you shell out 1000000s on hi cost IVF - sorry

Only1scoop · 08/03/2017 07:26

This thread has made me chuckle a little....CC here with 20 years clocked up.

Regarding the basic salary, although new contracts tend to not be as attractive, he will earn way more than that in allowances etc

Enjoy the perks he will hopefully get and see how it goes Op
Both my Dp and I fly we get heaps of time off together (although I'm now part time) it's a great lifestyle....you may be surprised.

WinnieFosterTether · 08/03/2017 07:27

YANBU. His 'dream' doesn't trump your's. Why should you have to compromise on your career choices, where you want to live and your family model, so he can do what he wants?
I would be very concerned about the timing. He suggests getting married and at the same time goes back to trying to be cabin crew.
Don't ignore how unhappy this is making you.In serious relationships, you have to be able to discuss where you live, how you both balance your careers, who will care for any children. Your DH doesn't get to stomp all over your needs and desires because he labels something a 'dream'. It's actually quite manipulative to call it a dream so he doesn't have to address any of the practical challenges it imposes on you.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 08/03/2017 07:31

He needs to try, he is the one who has to go day in day out so should be happy at work.

A man in his twenties should be aiming for his dream career, it would be a huge red flag to have a partner who controls that or guilts a person into another role. He's young, far too young to just give up on ambition and dreams.

If you can't cope with children alone sometimes, then don't have them.

It's all very me me me, I want to get married, have a baby, financially benefit, have him do a job that suits me etc. Does he just have to comply?

Imamouseduh · 08/03/2017 07:35

Are you going to be able to keep working this job that keeps a roof over your heads while you have a baby, if IVF is successful? If not how are you going to pay rent in London he's bringing in only 22k? I think there is a lot to think about here. It sounds like you guys are on different pages.

rookiemere · 08/03/2017 07:39

I'm sorry but I think that the age gap is a huge factor here.

I'm sure your DP loves you and sincerely wants to marry you and have a baby with you. However he doesn't seem to realise the practicalities of childcare or the fact that it's hugely sexist if you're planning a family to carry on with your dreams that will - to all intensive purposes - leave your DW to sort out all that boring drudge work.

I'm so sorry, but if you really want to go for the IVF I think you need to consider a different future and assume that you'll be fully responsible for childcare and costs.

But it's perfectly natural in your 20s to want to pursue your career dreams even if they may sound odd/impractical to the rest of us - I'm only jealous and wish I could summon up some dreams rather than just winning the lottery and retiring early.

It sounds like ideally your DP could go off and try his career aspirations out and the baby plans would be put on hold for a few years, but of course because of your age that's not possible.

Looneytune253 · 08/03/2017 07:39

My sister is cabin crew and is home every night, depends on the airline. She might have very late finishes or very early starts but that means shes in the house a good chunk of the day. She also works something like 4 on 4 off so i think thats quite good. Like i said though, it depends on the airline.

GallivantingWildebeest · 08/03/2017 07:39

When are you getting married, OP? IS everything booked?

I think the timing of your dp's application, and the fact that he used not to want to be away from you, but is now applying for a job that will take him away all the time, tells you that perhaps he's not as invested in the wedding and kids/IVF as you are.

You're at different ages and it sounds like different life stages too. Sorry.

AyeAmarok · 08/03/2017 07:41

The reason it would annoy me is that he thinks he can just opt out of his parenting responsibilities and you will just have to pick up the slack.

PunjanaTea · 08/03/2017 07:41

Interestingly the majority of posters who actually know people who work as cabin crew are suggesting that this isn't the big deal that the posters who only think they know about what working as cabin crew involves, is.

PunjanaTea · 08/03/2017 07:42

How is he opting out of responsibilities? He won't be working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

AyeAmarok · 08/03/2017 07:43

Because he'll be away solidly for several days at a time. Which is awkward for the person left behind to try and work around.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 08/03/2017 07:44

Dream job? Is he gay? Or trying to tell you something?

WTAF?? Hmm

NameChange30 · 08/03/2017 07:45

How old is he exactly? Early/mid/late 20s?
Although he says he wants marriage and children, his insistence on applying for a job that isn't very compatible with those things makes me wonder whether he really means it. It sounds to me as if he wants to focus on himself at the moment - his dream job, if that's what this is. Maybe the prospect of IVF has made him freak out and feel that this is his last chance.

I think it would be very unwise to go ahead and do IVF with someone who isn't fully on board (and he clearly isn't). To start a family, he needs to be willing to be physically present and to contribute financially - this job won't allow him to do either.

You're in your late 30s, you don't have time to indulge his selfishness.

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