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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

260 replies

dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:15

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

OP posts:
Jellybellyqueen · 08/03/2017 02:06

YADNBU
I had a similar dilemma, had been with (at the time) DP for about 7/8 years before he suddenly said he wanted to join the forces. I definitely wasn't happy as we both knew how much time he was likely to be away, but I thought it unfair to crush his dream or dictate his life, so put up with it. As it happens, we were both in a stressful job situation for the first few years. He dealt with that by developing feelings for someone he was still in touch with from his previous work, and debated leaving me for her, until he realised she didn't feel the same. (Recently found this bit out, it's a current thread Sad. Due to this and other things I am now highly paranoid about his activities while away. Which is a lot of the time.
I'm not saying your DP would do the same, but there can be a lot of stress involved if you are both not happy with the decision, chances are this could lead to a lot of resentment down the line, especially if you end up on your own for ages without any other help. Yes, having a higher wage would be nice, but the money in no way compensates for the partner never being there when needed/inability to plan ahead, etc.
He is definitely prioritising his desire for his dream job over your potential family and relationship. If you are in anyway dubious about how you will manage, and he cannot reassure you, cut your losses now and find someone who actually wants to live with you full time.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 08/03/2017 02:36

Someone is going to have to compromise a lot - most likely you whatever the outcome. You could end up being a single parent either way if you have a child. Your DP sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I'm inclined to agree with London Rach

MrsPeelyWaly · 08/03/2017 02:49

Ugh Wando1986 just don't mention the shagging

All but one of my children and their spouses are either flight deck crew, cabin crew, or engineers. I think they'd tell you to stop being ridiculous.

Your partner is very young and you've had way more life experiences than he has - dont stifle him.

SpareASquare · 08/03/2017 03:12

This isn't going to end well. Someone will end up super resentful. Your DP is young and has been chasing this dream for a while. He now has a chance, no matter how small it may be. Do you really want to crush that because you feel you are running out of time to have a baby?
If you change his mind, do you not think it will bite you eventually?

It's a tough situation for you OP, hope it works out for both of you

blueshoes · 08/03/2017 03:51

Why does your DP only apply for this 'dream job' now, when you are about to get married and start IVF? What was stopping him from applying earlier?

BadLad · 08/03/2017 03:54

He has applied before, just unsuccessfully.

mathanxiety · 08/03/2017 04:40

He says it's all theoretical as he probably won't get the job/we don't have a baby yet.

I don't think you should be contemplating IVF with this man, based on what you say he said wrt this job and the plans you have for the future.

You are going in one direction and he is going in another direction entirely. His dream job is more important and more real to him than the IVF and your plan for a baby.

I do not think he is at all invested in the IVF plans.

The dream job is him telling you this by means other than words.

highinthesky · 08/03/2017 04:51

Dream job? Is he gay? Or trying to tell you something?

It's about time you aligned your aspirations before resentment sets in on both sides.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/03/2017 04:52

Have you talked to him about how hemmed in you feel by the need to keep a roof over your heads through your job? Do you have a dream job (or something else) you'd choose to pursue too if you didn't feel you needed to keep things stable?

I would be totally pissed if my partner wanted to do what yours is without a more concrete plan for how it would all work out, because I could just see how it would all come down to me filling in all the gaps and juggling all the balls so he could have all the things he wanted.

I don't think that's necessarily the case. It at least partially reflects my penchant for planning, which can be a drag on a relationship in other ways. But I think there is a huge risk that if you don't sit down and hash out some agreements, you will be left filling in all the gaps to make everything work.

So maybe sit down and really talk about it, tell him that "It will all work out" isn't enough for you, but don't just say you don't think it can work at all?

graciestocksfield · 08/03/2017 04:54

If he really wanted to be a pilot, why not apply for that instead? He'd still be away but would earn probably double.

Westfacing · 08/03/2017 04:57

I'm not too worried about the ivf tbh. It should be over by second week of April ...

How will IVF be over by April, you haven't started it yet?

Lots of cabin crew have families, so I would have thought IVF would be the biggest problem.

goldangel · 08/03/2017 05:34

How long have you both been together?

Even thought there is no baby yet, I agree with PP that he might not be the right guy for you. You've discussed your concerns to him which are completely valid and he's still going ahead. Sounds like you are not in synch....

He's in his 20's wants to pursue his dream job, see the world presumably, whilst you are late 30's wants a baby and to settle down.

You're right to "put a lid on your feelings" you don't want to upset your boyfriend as he may decide he doesn't want a baby just yet....

Having said that lots of families work away and/or do shift work and survive. Maybe once you have the baby he may feel differently.

If you can't have it all what do you wantmore, him or the baby?

Good luck with the IVF.

WalkingInTheAir13 · 08/03/2017 05:41

"I'm late thirties, so putting off ttc is not an option. It's proving a horrendous nightmare as it is."

He's in his twenties, dreaming of a new and poorly paid job.

The auspices are not good.

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/03/2017 05:54

He says he really wants marriage (it was his idea) and also that he wants a baby.

...and he's got allllllllll the time in the world to persue both....

He just really wants to be cabin crew too apparently. He thinks it will work or that we should at least try.

Of course he wants to try. The only person it will affect negatively is you. It won't affect him in a negative way at all.

You're in too deep, given your age and your desire to have a baby, so I understand that you need to make the best of this. To the detached observer, it doesn't look promising, sadly. Flowers

Penfold007 · 08/03/2017 05:59

I'm sure you've posted about this man, your relationship and job before. So many red flags

disappearingfish · 08/03/2017 06:11

OP have you posted about your relationship before? Your scenario sounds familiar and I think a lot of posters expressed concern about your relationship. Do you have horses by any chance?

Sorry if I have you mixed up with someone else.

Loopytiles · 08/03/2017 06:13

Sounds like you're putting aside a lot of (valid) concerns because of your understandable desire to have a child.

Truckingalong · 08/03/2017 06:20

Is he gay? What a bloody ridiculous question. Straight men are cabin crew too you know. 😐

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 08/03/2017 06:22

What's your dream job? Don't be jealous of him pursuing his dreams while you simmer with resentment at home, go out and find your dream job and set the wheels in motion on that.

musicposy · 08/03/2017 06:31

Has he considered a different airport job if he loves planes? There's so much different work at airports, much of which is possibly nicer and more plane-involved than cabin crew.

DH has a plane obsession and works as an airport security officer. He loves it and gets to see way more planes than if he was just flying in one. The base pay is about the same as your DH is on, but the shift allowances bump that up massively. There are also all the maintainance jobs. I wonder if it's worth exploring other options with him which won't take him away from you so much but will satisfy his desire to do something more exciting and plane related.

SookiesSocks · 08/03/2017 06:33

YABU.
You knew he wanted to do this as he has applied previously.
I would imagine many cabin crew are married and have children so I dont think the job has a negative affect on family life.

You want him to give up on his dream job based on what ifs. You have no idea what shifts he will work or how the job will fit in with family life.
Maybe have a grown up conversation with him and agree that if the job does not fit with having DC then he changes it.
Or end the relationship.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/03/2017 06:51

My brother is a purser for a major international airline, he started out as cabin crew 20 years ago and just loved the lifestyle so much he kept going.- He spends a ton of time with his kids, has long stretches of days off, a strong union, and now that he is more senior he bids for the long overseas flights so he gets all his flying done for the whole month in about 3 or 4 trips. He also makes quite a bit of additional money from the per diems.

I am sure there is some fucking around (pilots mostly) but mostly it's a myth I think. When we used to live in London his crew hotel was really close to where we lived so I would join him and his colleagues in the hotel bar sometimes and I never saw any hanky panky Grin

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/03/2017 06:53

On days when he is home, he does more parenting and house stuff to give DSIL a break and even up the distribution of labour.

ScottishBadger · 08/03/2017 06:55

It's cabin crew not joining the foreign legion. You'll probably end up with more quality time together than if he was home every night

sandgrown · 08/03/2017 06:55

I have a few friends who have been cabin crew and only one stuck it for more than three years if that's any consolation. If you do not let DP at least try for the job he may resent it in the future .

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