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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

260 replies

dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:15

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 11:49

I will repeat again that we have male factor infertility.

Really fucking insulting that people are assuming the fertility issues are all mine.

Also to the people asking if he's gay then you'd have to ask him. However our very active sex life would indicate that he's making an exception in this case if so.

Leaving this thread now as I'm not finding all the age related comments, assumptions about my over the hill fertility and gay comments helpful.

Thank you for the comments that have more tactfully pointed out that I am or aren't BU. Personally I think I'm being a mix of both. I shall have a good long look at myselfSmile

OP posts:
2rebecca · 08/03/2017 11:53

People understand there are male infertility factors here. They will always be there though where as a woman's fertility does decline fairly steeply in her 30s which is where you are now and you sound more bothered about the IVF and going ahead with it now than he does.
If you were also in your mid 20s you may be less bothered about having IVF and starting a family NOW and more inclined to let him develop his career and you develop yours.

Ooogetyooo · 08/03/2017 11:53

We had one round of ICSI ( that is IVF plus the extra procedure of the sperm actually being inserted into the egg, due to dh's poor sperm count. Is this the procedure you are having op? One round was enough for me, it is extremely exhausting all round, but I expect you have researched all that it has entails. Dh had to be available to do his sperm sample at the drop of a hat, plus drive me to and from hospital before and after egg extraction and the bit where they put the embryos back in Plus I needed him to look after me for a bit as I was so sick on the medication. You already know your chances are slim due to your age, so you may need many rounds before you get lucky. This isn't a time for your dh wanting to take up a job where he isn't around much or is on weird shifts. I think both your 'wants' are incompatible.

PunjanaTea · 08/03/2017 12:08

OP if you do come back I would suggest filtering through the responses from people who work in the industry, and who've taken the time to explain how it works for them and their families. It really doesn't seem as doom and gloom as many are keen to assume.

Best of luck with the fertility treatment.

SookiesSocks · 08/03/2017 12:09

58 your post is disgusting.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 08/03/2017 12:10

Kr1stina
very accurate observations

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 08/03/2017 12:19

Oh my fucking God! He MUST be gay then, "a man in his 20s anda woman of nearly 40... !"
He obviously has to sign up to a life in the air rather than just come out to the bitter dried up old hag who is holding him hostage.
Some of these comments!
Maybe they are not compatible, maybe it wont work out, but jeeeeesus. Depressing stuff.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 08/03/2017 12:21

Shock horror there are plenty of straight male cabin crew members Hmm
OP it does sound as though you're at different stages in life & if I were you I would be doing a re-evaluation of the relationship.

Loopytiles · 08/03/2017 12:27

So MNHQ are tolerating homophobia?!

NameChange30 · 08/03/2017 12:28

Well no, they deleted the post didn't they?

Beelands · 08/03/2017 12:43

This is a deeply uncomfortable thread to read. You've been with him two years minimum... so he was 23 when you met, possibly younger? Now he's getting married, having IVF and being prevented from going for his dream job because a nearly 40 year old woman needs to have a baby? I know you didnt "force" him to commit to this but a man just out of his teens (when you met) and an emotionally sophisticated woman in her thirties.... can you put your hand on your heart and say there has been absolutely no element of control or manipulation on your part? Even moving him into your flat and bankrolling him could seem a bit sinister. And your comments about "I just can't take the stress right now".... as if he's acting out at a time when you need him to sit quietly like a good boy. When actually he's just applied for a job he's always wanted that you know he's previously applied for. I wonder if he's getting punished in some way at home for this unsanctioned behaviour? Can you "not bear to look at him"? Can you "not talk to him right now?"

If this was a 25 year old woman saying her 40 year old fiancee was angry with her for applying for her dream job because he wants her to concentrate on having a family I'd be horrified. And I feel a bit of creeping unease reading your posts.

Kr1stina · 08/03/2017 13:34

What i find deeply uncomfortable is the assumption that only women should have to make compromises when they become parents.

And that a woman has no right to an opinion about what kind of family life she wants.

MackerelOfFact · 08/03/2017 13:41

I had a similar situation with an ex. He wanted to pursue a job that required constant relocation, I wanted to settle down and put down roots. We had different priorities and needs, so we split up. TBH we split up because we cared about other enough to walk away and let the other lead their life, rather than because we didn't love each other at all.

I'd be lost without him.
You wouldn't. It's be a bit crap for a while and then you'd get over it. Don't stay with someone who isn't a good match for you because you think you need them.

RhodaBull · 08/03/2017 13:42

snort at OP's bf going to the bother of joining BA to come out Grin . "The High Life" has a lot to answer for!

There are some really odd observations on this thread - a page or two ago somebody said it wasn't a "man's" job and more of a trolley dolly career. Kate Middleton's father was cabin crew! (And mother) People are happy to fly but seem quite happy to denigrate what is a very responsible job and focus on the chicken or beef, shagging and gay caricature elements.

Anyway, if my ds were OP's bf, I would not be happy. Maybe I'd be the evil mil, but anyone who was discouraging someone from taking a job when they were 23 years old is way out of line. I'd also be worried that there'd soon be a list of a whole lot of other activities that were not permitted.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/03/2017 13:43

Of course women have the right to an opinion - they just don't get to 'allow' or 'make' another adult act in a certain way. Op doesn't have to stay with him, but it sounds like she will because she's desperate for a child (I know he is the one with the fertility issues).

But she has no right to insist he gives up on something that he wants, and nor does he

Beelands · 08/03/2017 13:45

Who has made that assumption Kristina?

expatinscotland · 08/03/2017 13:54

You two sound patently incompatible. It's sad that you're still going to have IVF and potentially bring a child into this.

Huskylover1 · 08/03/2017 14:04

"More shagging about than those in Uniform." Really? I must have missed this in my 18 years working on aeroplanes then!

Yeh, I also missed this in my 5 years in the Police. No shagging around by anyone I knew, sorry to disappoint! Where do folk get these mad ideas??!!

RhodaBull · 08/03/2017 14:08

I think the male factor infertility is irrelevant. He can deal with this 5, 10, 15... 50 years in the future. Not fair, but there it is.

Polarbearflavour · 08/03/2017 14:24

With some airlines (easyJet etc) he will probably be home every night as they do almost all there and backs. Few night stops.

Basic pay is low but with flight allowances and commission from onboard sales I was bringing home around £1800 a month after tax and that was several years ago!

Sex - never slept around or saw it going on. I'm sure it happens but not that I saw!

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/03/2017 14:40

I cant see the problem with the dp wanting to get a job as cabin crew.

The perks are fantastic and as many have pointed out there are days off during the week.

You and when the baby arrives would probably see more of your dp than less. Imagine if your dp got a job in the city. Out of the door by 6.30am and not back till 7.30pm and asleep in bed by 9.30pm.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 14:52

I know I said that I was flouncing off this thread, but I've flounced back for a bit!

To the posters saying they'd be really annoyed if I was stopping there son persuing his dreams. I'm not actually trying to stop him. The point of this thread was to work out if I was BU. Plus his mother would be unlikely to care given she's emotionally abusive and thinks that even the job he has now is too much faff. She can't understand why he doesn't just work in McDonald'sConfused

We've had a good talk and he said he wouldn't go to the assessment if I didn't want him too! Of course I'm not going to let him do that.

For now I will play it by ear and see what happens next. There are so many theoretical paths at the moment that making any decisions based on "what if" seems silly. I still have my reservations, but of course I do not want to crush his dreams either!

I'm encouraged by the cabin crew people who have contributed positive things hereSmile I hadn't thought about it in the context of him being home a lot when he is here.

RhodaBull I might have to look for some old The High Life episodes now. I bloody loved that show!Grin Dp of course is too young to have heard of it. Lucky sod!

OP posts:
Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 14:54

Also I know if these roles were reversed he would suppprt me 100%. I feel like to not extend the same support to him would be really unfair.

So many emotions right now. Wedding to plan, IVF and then this. It's a lot to cope with sanely!

OP posts:
Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 14:56

There son? Their son.

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhenever · 08/03/2017 15:48

After beelands post, I am now picturing Op as some kind of Joan Crawford Mommy Dearest nightmare..