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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

260 replies

dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:15

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/03/2017 08:46

I don't understand why anyone would prioritise a relationship over an opportunity for a dream job - relationships break up all the time, whereas most people need to work

If this is a dealbreaker for you then that's fine, but then leave him rather than making him give up on the chance of a job, or he is very likely to resent you down the line.

And it is all up in the air (pardon the pun) right now as he hasn't got the job, you aren't yet married and you aren't pregnant - who knows what the future will turn out like?

NameChange30 · 08/03/2017 08:46

The irony of course is that he's the one with fertility issues...

If the OP just wants a sperm donor there would be better options!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/03/2017 08:47

TBH it sounds like you want a child no matter what but don't hold him back because that's your dream

BakeOffBiscuits · 08/03/2017 08:47

You should probably both go for your dreams, him the job and you the baby. But whether or not you stay together is a whole other issue.

ApplePaltrow21 · 08/03/2017 08:50

The irony of course is that he's the one with fertility issues...
If the OP just wants a sperm donor there would be better options!

Not necessarily. My guess is that if the OP felt she had better options than this guy, she'd be taking them. Reality is that he's in his 20s. He wants to get married to OP. He wants to have IVF. This guy seems like Mr Good Enough rather than the love of her life.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 08:50

winnie I think you're right regarding the relationship counselling. I've been thinking about that for a while.

It's not that we are unhappy on a day to day basis. In fact quite the opposite. He's endlessly loving and sweet and the light of my life (sorry to be so sickening)

But when it comes down to organising our lives it all falls on my shoulders and my shoulders get a bit tired sometimes.

Having said that we've always been on the same page until now. I was totally encouraging him to find a job he'll enjoy, but I wasn't expecting it to be this oneConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 08:52

He's not mr good enough at all. He makes me happier than anyone else ever has. I'd be lost without him.

I posted because I'm worried about him applying for this job, not because I'm scared of losing my sperm donorHmm

OP posts:
londonrach · 08/03/2017 08:52

Op. ive read your update and be very concerned if you bought a child into this relationship. In the end its your decision but your dp and yourself have alot of issues which will really becoming noticeable if you had the stresses of a child and a job that involved alot of travel. at the present time you both want different things. Neither are you are wrong with what you want. Its just the timing for this relationship is wrong at the moment. You dont have to listen to random woman on mn but hopefully this has given you something to think about. Good luck as sadly i think you might need it. I really hope im wrong x

fairweathercyclist · 08/03/2017 08:53

You say it's an international airline but does that mean long haul? He could just be on the short hops from Heathrow to Edinburgh nmost shifts. I'd wait to see whether he actually gets the job and whether he's away as much as you think he will be.

I'm not sure cabin crew generally go straight onto the "glamorous" long haul routes to Singapore or Vancouver and the like. Don't you have to earn your stripes on the boring stuff first?

(Glamorous in inverted commas as I'd hate to spend my working life in a metal tube having to suck up to grumpy passengers)

SuperFlyHigh · 08/03/2017 08:53

I'd worry personally like another poster said that a lot of things are bonuses for him like rent free London flat so he can run after the cabin crew job.

He sounds like a nice enough man but he doesn't seem mature enough yet (re the practicalities) and once a baby comes along and childcare issues etc it could all go sour.

I've got a half sister whom I'm not in touch with much but she is cabin crew with 2 kids and a DH and she makes it work.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 08/03/2017 08:54

Has he thought about what aspects of the job he likes, would be good at etc and seen if he can apply those elsewhere?

Kiroro · 08/03/2017 08:54

But when it comes down to organising our lives it all falls on my shoulders and my shoulders get a bit tired sometimes.

Yeah he is like 10 years younger than you. You have had a third more 'life time' or half more 'adult life time' to get good at organizing stuff!

NameChange30 · 08/03/2017 08:55

Well if you really love him (and that wasn't super clear to begin with, it did sound as if you wanted the baby no matter what) then I definitely thing couple's counselling would be a good idea, hopefully it will help you both to iron out the differences and work towards being on a more equal footing when it comes to taking responsibility for making things work.

nigelforgotthepassword · 08/03/2017 08:55

Your phrase 'the little women stuck at home with the baby' suggests you are massively resentful of even the thought of him doing anything at all out of the house.
If he was at work doing the job he does now he also wouldn't be at home, all the time, with you and the baby.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable.Lots of people combine working as cabin crew (and other jobs with unconventional hours) successfully with being a parent.
If it were the other way around and you really wanted to do something but he raised objections because he would hypothetically not be happy with it at some point in the future you would, rightly, be aggrieved.

unfortunateevents · 08/03/2017 08:56

It sounds like your desire for a baby is blinding you to the reality of this relationship somewhat. In your late 30s, your chances of conceiving via IVF are about 20-25%. It's a bit naive to think that this is all going to be done and dusted by April. What happens if it doesn't work first time? Will you be trying again? How many times? How will you feel during all this if your partner is thousands of miles away?

Your comment about your DP expecting you to take responsibility for everything and magic up solutions to problems is concerning. Are you marrying a man-child?

I know there are lots of people who fly as cabin crew, pilots etc and who make it work very well around partners and children but most of them start the role as young, free and single, grow into the role and then are in a better position to apply for part-time working, move from long-haul to short-haul etc. Your DP seems to want to have it all in one go - marriage, job and child.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 08:59

It's the planes aspect he mostly likes. He loves them.

I was encouraging him to look at airport jobs. The cabin crew job came up when he was searching.

fairweathercyclist I'm not sure. Perhaps short haul to start off? That wouldn't be too bad. He's been talking to a friend of a friend who is cabin crew who works for same airline. He told him you still have to stay over near airport a lot of the time. He pays for his own room when that happens which seems pretty rubbish to me!

As someone said upthread it's a job people clamour for despite the low pay.

OP posts:
MrDacresEUSubsidy · 08/03/2017 09:02

It sounds as if there are deeper issues here. If you're fed up with always being the organised, capable "coper" then having a baby is not going to improve that.

Regardless of whatever job he's doing my guess is that he will look to you to direct/own/plan - as you currently do with everything else. Are you absolutely sure in your heart of hearts that this is the right man for you? Or as a PP has said, if you are brutally honest with yourself, do you think you might be back here in 18-24 months complaining about how your DH doesn't help enough, wants you to plan and sort life out all the time?

On a separate note, I can't help thinking that if the situations were reversed and OP was the younger party wanting to apply for her dream job, that she would be told to go for it. There is nothing wrong with your DP wanting a job that he loves - and as PP have said, being CC doesn't automatically rule out a family life. I know a couple who are both CC with two children and they bump along quite nicely. The key to success seems to be a desire to make it work. He's not that organised and isn't good at providing solutions and being pro-active about getting things sorted out. You're already resentful about a job that he doesn't happen yet.

Sorry, but being really blunt it sounds like you are both at different stages of your lives; he's happy about a baby and marriage but could afford to delay for a few years whilst he gets his career sorted. You don't want to delay because you're ready now and your age is going to become a critical factor. An age gap can be completely workable but you don't sound well matched. I think you need to take a step back and really think very carefully about whether this is a forever relationship, or whether your desire for a family is driving you to compromise and overlook issues that would otherwise be a deal-breaker for you.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 09:03

I'm very aware of my low odds unfortunateevents it's pretty much all I think of.

We will try again, with donor eggs if needs be to improve our chances as my egg reserves are low.

How that would work if he was off training etc I don't know. I suppose he'd just have to pop over, freeze his essential contribution and I would do the rest.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 08/03/2017 09:06

Ok I think you have to just play along for now. There is a good chance he won't get the job. But if there looks at any point that he might then at that point you just need to point out the practicalities in black and white eg how will I be able to work and sort childcare if you're out of the country. How will we sort the childcare around your unpredictable shifts.
But realistically any baby is still a year off, and presuming you take ML, any return to work for you post-baby is further away than that i.e ages away and all quite theoretical.
He is not being U to want to pursue his dream. But I think a reality check is important if he's actually going to do it.
I can def think of some advantages of having a partner around at weird times/during the week. Awkward yes but not a showstopper IMO.

Cromwell1536 · 08/03/2017 09:11

Another one thinking you'd be unreasonable to try and stop a still rather young man from pursuing his dream job. And it would equally apply the other way around, obviously. Why are you anticipating maternity being such a drag that you need another adult around every day? Plenty of families do extremely well in the circumstances you'd be living in. And you stand a much better chance of being successful as a family if people aren't harbouring resentments about their paths having been somehow blocked or their ambitions stifled. You're in your late thirties, you're going to all the trouble of IVF, you must be 100% clear you want a child - so, enjoy your child, enjoy your partner, enjoy your life, and stop thinking that it can only work if he's at home for dinner every night of the week! Sorry to be blunt, but you need to get over it.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2017 09:12

I think you're being unreasonable yes. The least you can do is see if they ivf works, and if you have a baby then see how it goes and you both decide then, you're probably talking at least couple of years away, with no real guarantee you will have a baby, sorry, but you know that's true. Preventing him going for a job he wants at this stage based on what you want the future to look like isn't ok. He will simply resent you.

TheLegendOfBeans · 08/03/2017 09:12

The trouble is I've always been the person that makes things work for us.

This is worrying in itself for any couple thinking about having a baby. It's unbalanced and the focus you'll have to apply to a new baby means your "usual" role of fixer will fall by the wayside.

I have no doubt that he's a lovely guy but your relationship sounds one sided. Adding in this proposed move from him makes it sound like a breeding ground for toxic resentment.

If - IF - you seriously think that you would be able to cope with a baby (babies) alone then crack on. But the decline and fall of a relationship that gets poisoned with resentment is awful, slow and paralysing.

Only1scoop · 08/03/2017 09:14

The airline I work for is extremely flexible re fertility appointments etc. Although I'm not sure that's across the board. I think take one step at a time with this as he hasn't been to interview yet. He may even decide against or not get offered position.

ApplePaltrow21 · 08/03/2017 09:15

Cromwell1536 is dead on.

Only1scoop · 08/03/2017 09:22

Also agree Cromwell....

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