Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP has applied for a cabin crew job?

260 replies

dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:15

NC for this as I feel quite embarrassed by my mean spirited feelings on the matter.

DP applied for a cabin crew job last week and he's been offered an initial assessment. It's his dream job and I should be really happy for him, but I'm struggling to be as encouraging as I should be.

We're getting married soon and also about to embark on IVF treatment. I know it's utterly hypothetical on all levels at this stage, but the horrible part of me feels like it's not really an appropriate job for a married man who may potentially be a father. I don't have any family nearby to help me with a baby. Therefore dp would be my only support and he could potentially be away for big chunks of time. Also it doesn't pay very well, and I can't help feeling the lack of financial reward will not help to make up for me being left on my own so much.

Of course none of this may come to pass. I'm trying to paint a smile on my face, but tbh I feel quite hurt that he wants to pursue this at a point like this.

IABU aren't I?

OP posts:
littlefrog3 · 07/03/2017 23:47

YANBU!

I wonder how men would be happy if their woman got a job that entails them being away half of the year? Sometimes for a week at a time? Leaving them with the baby/toddler/kids Hmm

It would piss me off massively OP. Not now (kids have left home now,) but when they were little yes. DH got a job on nights for several years when our 2 girls were babies (a year apart,) and it really fucked me off because it was always me looking after them. All through the night as he was at work, then through the day as he was sleeping, and then even when he was awake because he was 'resting' for the night ahead.

Proper fucked me off it did. Even now I swear that he took the night job to avoid child care. Bastard. Grin He made up for it when they got to school age, and spent lots of time doing stuff with them, but that first 3-4 years before they started school was hard, as it was pretty much me looking after them most of the time.

So I would be pissed off too OP. You have a right to be.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/03/2017 23:49

When you say it's his dream job - how did you respond the first time he mentioned this? I'd imagine it'd come up quite early in the relationship.

If he's been saying for the duration of your relationship that he wants and intends to do this job, YABU to expect him suddenly to change.

OTOH, if it's something he's mentioned once but not pursued, or something he's only recently decided is his 'dream,' then I think it's fair to say you feel he shouldn't do it.

I wouldn't be ok with my partner doing any job that took them away during IVF. IVF can be properly gruelling, let alone having a baby to look after.

I do think it is a bit immature to fix on any career as your 'dream' before you've even begun to do it.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 07/03/2017 23:49

He's applied in the past BoomBoomsCousin This is the first time he's been successful though.

It's not like he lives and breathes trying to become cabin crew though iyswim? I just know it's something he would like to do in an ideal world.

Yes it's a joint decision to have a child. I think financially he sees us as being no worse off than now, so therefore no difference?

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 07/03/2017 23:50

He appears to be forgetting all the unpaid labour he will be ducking out of and the constraints that will put on you in your choice of work OP.

Longdistance · 07/03/2017 23:52

How I would kill to go back to being cabin crew fucking h

I used to work weekends, and have weekdays off. I'd also get 10 days off in a month at home.

I used to work with plenty of dads and mums that flew. No issues.

ID90, what's not to like?

RyanStartedTheFire · 07/03/2017 23:52

Seeing as he's in his twenties I think it's unfair to expect him to squash his dream. He's still young and wants to do it whilst he still can, but obviously the time limit on the baby is an issue. It could lead to resentment if you held him back though.

Dontlaugh · 07/03/2017 23:52

When I had baby #1, it turned out I developed PTSD. I couldn't function for 12 months. I breastfed, cleaned, and cared for my baby, but my husband loved him, bonded and truly took over a lot of functions. If he'd been away I don't know what would have happened, truly.
Having said that, husband is away now, with more children in the house, much older and it's fine! Because I'm not postnatal, hormonal, and feeding a screaming baby.

I think your husband can be cabin crew anytime. But he can only be a dad for the first year once.

Oliversmumsarmy · 07/03/2017 23:54

I know one family where the father was cabin crew and it worked for them. He had worked for the airline for over 20 years and loved it.

The pay might not have been great but the discount on great holidays made up for it.

Leggit · 07/03/2017 23:56

I would be upset if the man I was about to marry made such a major decision with no prior discussion in regards to how it would affect us as a couple.

BadLad · 07/03/2017 23:56

It's what can happen when you marry someone considerably older - one of you might have to start acting either older or younger than your age. Neither of you are wrong.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2017 23:59

I never understand the idea that you shouldnt stand in the way of someones dream job.

Why the fuck does their dream job trump their partners wants and desires? If the dream job fits in with family life, or the partner is genuinely happy, then fine. But if there is any negative feelings about it then either the job has to go or the relationship reconsidered.

It is absolutely NOT selfish to say "Hang on, I didnt sign up for this and I am not ok with you unilaterally deciding to bugger off for half the week (at least) at a time when there is no physical or emotional support for me, and no financial gain for us as a family". It really isnt!

If he decides the job is more important than the OP and having a baby with her then frankly, better she finds out now. And if she and the baby are what he wants then he needs to reconsider the job (or compromise such as applying for a short haul job as mentioned above).

He doesnt have the right to take this decision for the whole family on his own.

Benedikte2 · 08/03/2017 00:03

OP There is a saying that I try o remember when zIm in a "what if" situation: Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
Try not to worry and just get on and have the IVF and get yourself pregnant. Whether DP gets the job is outside your control and if he does there's no saying that he'll love it and want to stick at it. Far from glamorous and jolly hard work. You might end up seeing more of him anyway.
You could have a dream of a pregnancy and an angel of a baby and once you get over the initial fatigue not really need any propping up by him.
I'm a natural worrier ( hence my attachment to that saying) but try to hold to the belief that everything will work out for the best.
Good luck

Benedikte2 · 08/03/2017 00:03

I'm not zim

BarbarianMum · 08/03/2017 00:06

Your twenties is not the right time of your life to give up on your dream. And your late 30s is not the time to delay trying to conceive.

He's not married and he has no children Pyong - this is the perfect time for him to make this decision unilaterally.

I think this guy is not the one for you OP. Sorry. Sad

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/03/2017 00:15

No he isnt married with kids, but he is planning both, at the same time as planning a career that will take him out of the country for days at a time.

The point I am making is that if it isnt selfish of him to pursue his dreams, then it isnt selfish of the OP to object on the basis of it not being what she based her decision to marry and TTC with him on.

If that means the end of the relationship then so be it, better now than later.

And I dont agreee that you shouldnt give up on your dream in your 20's because you have other responsibilities or soon will have. I gave up mine when I was 17, thats life.

joystir59 · 08/03/2017 00:21

If he's wanted to do this job for ages then I think you should encourage him to go for it. There is no baby at the moment. There may not be a baby- it isn't a given (not meaning to be mean, sorry, but that's a real possibility and I speak as someone who was not able to have children myself).

It is very important to follow dreams in terms of the job you do, we all spend a long time at work and it can be miserable if you don't enjoy your job.
I think in your current circumstances he should go for it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/03/2017 00:31

There are a lot of what ifs. Obviously he wants to pursue something he thinks is a dream for him, but I can definitely see why you would not be happy about the job if you had kids - I wouldn't want to be in that position either. Some people might be fine with it, but it's not for everyone. Maybe you need a discussion with him about what this means for you both in the future and whether he would be willing to give it up if you got pregnant. It might be that you aren't compatible at this point in your lives, and it might be he is quite happy to deviate from this course should children come along, but doesn't want to give up on this possibility when the other one is still quite theoretical.

BillSykesDog · 08/03/2017 00:34

YANBU. It will be really hard with IVF. You can't schedule it and it all depends on how the drugs work etc. He might need to be there at extremely short notice.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 00:38

I'm not too worried about the ivf tbh. It should be over by second week of April and he'll possibly not even have made it to second stage by then (if it gets that far)

It's just everything else I'm worried aboutSad

OP posts:
Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 00:48

Perhaps I'm jealous as well tbh. I have a part time job that we get a rent free flat in London in exchange for. It's the only way we can afford to be in the city really. I have an additional part time paid job as well. The first job does limit me career wise though, as anything I do has to fit around it.

The thought of dp off perusing his dream job while my work that isn't the full filling keeps a roof over our heads pisses me off a bit tbh. I'm possibly being ungracious though.

OP posts:
GloriaGaynor · 08/03/2017 00:48

Honestly OP I think it indicates he's not that committed to this relationship. He's prioritising his private dream. How much does he really want marriage and children? He's actively intending not to be around FT either for you or the child.

Original poster
dogdayafternoons · 08/03/2017 00:54

He says he really wants marriage (it was his idea) and also that he wants a baby.

He just really wants to be cabin crew too apparently. He thinks it will work or that we should at least try.

OP posts:
londonrach · 08/03/2017 01:00

Not sure this guy is right for you at the moment op...hes in his 20s hoping to get his dream job, your in your 30s hoping to have a baby. Different aims at the moment.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/03/2017 01:01

The thought of dp off perusing his dream job while my work that isn't the full filling keeps a roof over our heads pisses me off a bit tbh

I am not surprised! So he getst to live rent free on the back of your work but doesnt give you a second thought when it comes to follow his dream?

I wonder how he would react if you said that you are now following your dream so he needs to stump up for central London rent as your flat will no longer be part of the deal. In fact I would be tempted to tell him just to see what he says and does. If it would still be a case of "well we will manage" then thats a good indicator, anything is not.

So HE wants marriage, HE wants a baby, HE wants to live in central London for nothing and HE wants to pursue his dream job.....where do you feature in any of this apart from as the woman who provides his home?

The more you write, the more it sounds like a mother/son relationship rather than one of equal partners.

You can have a baby on your own you know. You will probably find that you dont resent your job so much when it is keeping a roof over your actual childs head and not your manchild boyfriend.

lalalalyra · 08/03/2017 01:29

This happened to me and in your shoes I'd be having a child on my own without him. We had 2 years of IVF and when our twins when 2 months old ex decided that was the time to pursue his dream of being in the army. Having a baby alone is a very valid choice, and something you can prepare for - expecting to have someone there and then they choose to jump into a career that means they delegate all of the responsibility for working around them is a hammer blow.

Don't underestimate how much damage this could do to your relationship. It finished us completely right at the time I needed him the most.

Swipe left for the next trending thread