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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it really difficult to get remotely excited about friends getting married when they already have DC with that person?

205 replies

CookiesFromTheCookieJar · 07/03/2017 20:14

Anyone else?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 08/03/2017 12:13

SparkleSunshine201 Tue 07-Mar-17 23:48:47

"The wedding gifts are supposed to be to set up your first home together, the first time you move out of the family home. So it seems rather gift grabby to me."

So what about someone who is single until they meet Mr Right in their thirties? Are they not allowed to have a wedding because they presumably already have their own pots and pans?

I was 29 when I married dh, after a 10 years engagement mostly spent far apart- because we were poor and needed to save up before we could be together.

What about widows and widowers remarrying- is that allowed?

I do a fair bit of reading about Victorian and Edwardian times and your attitude seems so much more "old-fashioned", for want of a better word, than anything you would come across in those days.

itsawonderfulworld · 08/03/2017 12:48

I have an issue with people, who fall "in love" quickly. Likewise people who live together (or marry) quickly. I've known so many couples split, that I'd take listening to the vows from a couple that have stood the test of time, more seriously.

DH proposed when we had been together for 4 months and we got married the following year. 20 years and several children later, we're still going strong. Unlike the couple of the only wedding I've ever been to that already had children together. They lasted less than five years, sadly.

To be fair, the friends I mentioned only got together because she became pregnant after a ONS. I admire them for making a go of it, and it's sad that it didn't work out.

I guess we're a bit unusual as pretty much all our friends got married first, lived together as a married couple for a few years and then had children. And looking back at the many weddings I've been to over the years, only three have so far ended in divorce, including the one above. So I certainly don't think getting married before having children makes divorce any more likely than doing it the other way around. And in my personal experience, co-habiting couples who have children together without being married seem more likely to split up. Very few of the single mums that I know were married, although most of them were in a committed relationship with the father at some point.

I agree with OP in that while I'd be very happy and emotional for the couple at any wedding, I couldn't get quite as excited about one where they had lived together for years and had children together. A wedding for me is not just about the couple but about two families coming together and each family welcoming a new member. In the case of established families, this has presumably already happened.

itsawonderfulworld · 08/03/2017 12:50

That sounded like I've only ever been to one wedding - I meant only one wedding where the couple already had children!

BoboChic · 08/03/2017 12:52

Marriage is a legal contract between two adults.

A wedding is a celebration of lifelong commitment.

If people are truly committed, the wedding is surely a joyous occasion whenever it is celebrated?

surferjet · 08/03/2017 12:54

I agree. How can you get excited when they've already been living together & have a couple of kids?

ImogenTubbs · 08/03/2017 12:55

Erm... I feel no differently about a wedding whether they already have kids with each other or different people. If they are people I care about and I feel they are genuinely happy and doing a positive thing then I am excited for them. Why would you feel any other way?

WateryTart · 08/03/2017 13:29

YANBU. The joy of weeding for me was the excitement of a couple going on to a new life together.

Not more of the same.

TealStar · 08/03/2017 13:34

I have mixed feelings about this.

I do see what you mean, OP, but I think if I were to see some of my married friends with kids 'remarry each other again' (I know that's not actually possible) in the light of all they've been through together over the years, I'd probably be more genuinely moved!

Just as if dh and I were to marry now, I think I'd blub a lot more than I did when I was a young spring chicken with no cares in the world.

TealStar · 08/03/2017 13:35

So more excited, no. But more moved, oh yes. YANBU

FfionFlorist · 08/03/2017 14:04

Some very 1950s views here. "Weddings should be....", "marriage is..." all very old fashioned and with a faux traditional point of view. Lots of you sound very fed up with modern life.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/03/2017 14:07

I'd be excited regardless. It's a celebration of love and a commitment to each other.

surferjet · 08/03/2017 14:23

I'd be excited regardless. It's a celebration of love and a commitment to each other

I think you're supposed to do that before you have children. But then I am old fashioned.

pigsknickers · 08/03/2017 14:23

Blimey, there are some really nasty-spirited posts on here! DP and I got together in our mid-thirties, had two kids, built a house together...and might get married in the next year or two because it would make our intention to share our lives "official", and well, it would just be a nice thing to do. It's never once crossed our minds that our friends might be sneering at us or judging us for not being young and without household items (which they won't, because our friends aren't arseholes).

Littleballerina · 08/03/2017 14:27

I adore weddings.

What if one of the couple already has children from a previous relationship?
Is that ok because the couple getting wed don't have children together?

Sleepsleepnomore · 08/03/2017 14:30

but surely love and commitment are worth celebrating however and whenever they come about? It's different for every person.

Liskee · 08/03/2017 14:55

Are the couple excited? Are they looking forward to their wedding and the start of their new life as a married couple and family? Who cares if you get excited or not. It's about them, not you.

Liskee · 08/03/2017 14:56

Oh. And I have two kids and I'm getting married next month. If it's me who's prompted this weird thread then please don't bother celebrating with us.

Tubbyinthehottub · 08/03/2017 14:58

What a strange way to feel. Are you disappointed in a couple who marry and then never have children?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 08/03/2017 14:59

I feel exactly the same, and about all weddings if I'm honest. Including my own.

We had four kids between us when we got married - wtf was the point in doing the whole party shebang? For us the point was that family expected it.

Screwinthetuna · 08/03/2017 15:03

Can't imagine getting exicited about anyone's wedding, to be fair, except my own. I do think YABU about kids though; marriage is about more than having children

VestalVirgin · 08/03/2017 15:17

I can't say I get very excited about weddings at all.

I could get excited over whether the guy a friend has a crush on will requite her feelings, but once they're an established couple, with children or without, the excitement is pretty much over.

That's not a problem, I can still enjoy a nice wedding party, but it is not very exciting, isn't it? You eat cake and drink and are happy for the couple, and that's it.

Only way I'd be excited about any wedding nowadays is probably if it was a lesbian escaping form a misogynist shithole of a country by marrying her partner from a civilised country seconds before the police arrive to put her in a plane back to the misogynist hellhole.

That would be exciting. Wink

As for the accusations of "not needing household items" ... why not just treat it like a birthday? People who turn 60 don't need anything, you can still get them a present.

Every person I know who got married had their own household before getting married.
Nowadays, the time you gift household items is when a person moves out of their parents' house, not a wedding.

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 08/03/2017 18:57

Yabvu. What difference does it make if they already have children? I don't particularly get excited about any wedding, but I'm happy for the couple involve and grateful to be a part of their big day.

ExConstance · 08/03/2017 19:44

I get very excited about weddings, perhaps even more so when the couple have just decided they are in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. fWIW DH proposed to me 10days after we met ( on holiday in Greece) and we have been married for33 years in August, when you know you just know. We waited 10months to actually get married as my family wanted us to have a traditional wedding and that took time to arrange.

Room1o1 · 08/03/2017 20:01

ExConstance what a wonderful love story!

My own parents got married less than 3 months after they first met (and are still happily together). Some people obviously do know!

SallyGinnamon · 08/03/2017 20:30

I do get what the OP is saying.

If a marriage is the start of an exciting new life together that's one thing. If you've already set up home and had kids etc, you just go back to business as usual after the wedding. It doesn't really change anything.

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