Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it really difficult to get remotely excited about friends getting married when they already have DC with that person?

205 replies

CookiesFromTheCookieJar · 07/03/2017 20:14

Anyone else?

OP posts:
TartYvette · 07/03/2017 21:38

I would agree with this but mainly because I think children are a far greater tie than any wedding vows so the wedding after the being connected forever by your children seems superfluous.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 07/03/2017 21:38

Not RTFT but i would actually go further and say I don't get excited about people who have been living together and/or have been engaged for years actually getting married.

A proper wedding is a virgin in white getting married from her father's house...like in the films.

Original poster
CookiesFromTheCookieJar · 07/03/2017 21:39

TheOnlyLivingToy I must be being particularly obtuse because I still don't understand your point.....

...what's witnessing stuff got to do with anything?

OP posts:
ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/03/2017 21:39

Isn't it all a bit pointless ?

You've stuck your two fingers up at society. Two sets of two fingers naturally.

You've done this by living together (without benefit of marriage - oh yes, I watch Judge Judy). You've had kids together. You're now, um, getting married ? Why ?

You've tested out each other's reproductive organs - check
You're probably financially committed to each other - check
You've seen each other in all circumstances - check

So, where's the celebration ? Where's the excitement of starting a life together ? Why does the marrying couple want congratulations ?

Isn't it all a bit same-same by now ?

Now, suddenly, you've decided that you will get married after all. How very grown up of you both.

Happyhippy45 · 07/03/2017 21:39

I maybe wouldn't get excited about it but I'd be very happy for them.
We got married after having kids. Small affair with only mum's dad's and siblings. It was still a special day.
My dd who was 4 at the time was asking me about me and daddy getting married, (after having kids) she said "Did you not like each other before?"

TheOnlyLivingToyInNewYork · 07/03/2017 21:41

If you didn't understand my clear post OR the explanation of it, I'm really not sure what else to say. Confused

Happyhippy45 · 07/03/2017 21:42

......but we just did it to make our visa application easier for living overseas. We got "engaged" with wedding rings years before and then kids came along before we could plan a wedding......thought that would be it........

Original poster
CookiesFromTheCookieJar · 07/03/2017 21:42

Toottoot don't think your analogy works. I never said that couples with DC shouldn't 'bother' getting married.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookiesFromTheCookieJar · 07/03/2017 21:43

TheOnlyLivingToy phew!!

OP posts:
PickledCauliflower · 07/03/2017 21:47

To be fair, I think the only people who get excited about weddings nowadays are the people getting married (and maybe their parents).
I actually hate getting wedding invitations - especially if it's the daytime as well as the evening do.
Expensive gifts (from the list) are expected, finding something suitable to wear (or having to buy an outfit), making conversation with people I don't know and will never meet again.

I am attending more funerals than weddings these days (as I aprroach 50). Obviously not joyous occasions, but at least they don't cost me two weeks wages to attend.

Hope I don't sound like a miserable cow :)

ChickenVindaloo2 · 07/03/2017 21:49

I avoid having friends my age (33) so I don't have to go to weddings or care about pregnancies.

LilacSpatula · 07/03/2017 21:52

Why does it even matter if you're excited? It's not your wedding and if you can't be happy and excited for them then don't go.

Original poster
CookiesFromTheCookieJar · 07/03/2017 21:56

Lilac To answer your post, I refer you to my earlier posts re, amongst other things, whether anyone cares about my reaction/conflating marriage and wedding ceremonies/my attitudes to weddings... etc

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 07/03/2017 21:59

Not a nice thread.

OllyBJolly · 07/03/2017 22:07

I think any wedding is a cause for celebration and they do fill me with joy. And yes, quite lovely having children present.

What I find a bit uncomfortable - probably wrongly - is second weddings for middle aged people where the couple go for the full works: meringue dress, dozen bridesmaids, horse drawn carriage to the church. And the extravagant gift list

moreslackthanslick · 07/03/2017 22:12

I agree OP.

But then again I don't get excited at pregnancy news either.

I do get happy about weddings but when your x amount of kids are involved I do find it a bit Hmm

Unluckycat1 · 07/03/2017 22:17

I prefer weddings when they already have children or have lived together for some time. It feels more real, hopefully less chance of divorce too.

LilacSpatula · 07/03/2017 22:25

Again...if you're not excited then don't go. I wouldn't have wanted anyone at my wedding feeling like this and I'm pretty sure they think you're excited for them or they would have invited you. Cruel and mean - that's my honest opinion.

LilacSpatula · 07/03/2017 22:27

I've never been to a wedding I'm not genuinely honoured to attend and if you feel that way, please decline.

PointxTaken · 07/03/2017 22:29

I find it very strange that a couple only decide that they are ready to commit to each other after they had children. It means they were not sure they were ok for each other, but still had kids? I just find it strange, but I don't really care how they organise their life. As long as everybody is happy, a honeymoon with your kids doesn't sound that fun but apart from that, really who cares.

I would honestly never have had a relationship with a married man. If a guy was single, the fact that he had kids or not was not an issue however. I never saw it as cheating then. I am married now, so it no longer matters

StealthPolarBear · 07/03/2017 22:29

" CookiesFromTheCookieJar

Stealthhmmm... hadn't thought about that. I suppose my reaction would differ depending on whether they'd been together for aeons, or if they'd met last week at the British Museum cafe."
How very precise :o

moreslackthanslick · 07/03/2017 22:39

i prefer weddings when they already have children or have lived together for some time. It feels more real, hopefully less chance of divorce too.

Bollocks.

TheStoic · 07/03/2017 23:14

Clearly there is a hierarchy of wedding excitement.

  1. A couple who have saved their first shag for marriage.
  2. A couple who have shagged, but not lived together
  3. A couple who have lived together
  4. A couple who have lived together and had children
  5. A couple who have been married before, divorced and have children with other people.

I just need to know where they are on the scale, and will adjust my excitement levels accordingly.

OhGodWhatTheHellNow · 07/03/2017 23:16

I understand OP, dcs and a mortgage should be a big committment already. Announcing an engagement, which is the intention to make a committment in the future - what?
I admit to marrying for the legal reasons, no engagement.

If people want the frilly dress party as well that's up to them but it doesn't define commitment.

Andylion · 07/03/2017 23:21

I don't see the point in a big ceremony if already living together, have children or it's a subsequent marriage. A wedding to me is a couple starting their journey together.

This.