Humiliated and so angry at 4 year old

[hadenough7]

I'm so angry and exhausted and really need some perspective on whether I'm being unreasonable. 4 year old is sweet and lovely at times but very demanding and needs constant attention. He has to be asked to do everything 10 times. He's very impulsive and does things he knows he's not supposed to, mostly without thinking then regrets it I think. He makes a mess everywhere. I can't get anything done all he says is mummy mummy mummy all day long. He asks for snacks every 5 minutes. I'm worn out and snappy. Today I really haven't been very nice at all. We were going to a class we do regularly. I told him we were going, all fine in the car, got there and got changed, played with his friends in the waiting room. Times to go in and he starts crying and clinging to me. I tried to encourage him but he refused to go in. Class started without him. I had his younger brother toddling around and said come on everyone's waiting, we don't have time for this. He started really crying and carrying on. I started to get really annoyed as I felt like he'd waited until we'd all gone to all the effort of getting him here and then chose to kick off in front of everyone. The teacher said he's got really bad separation anxiety but has he? Or is he just being a pain in the arse? I just can't see anything clearly anymore I feel so mad at him because life is a constant struggle, his brother gets ignored and I just feel like I'm failing him and failing at life in general. He is just such hard work. Ended up leaving class in a massive tantrum with everyone looking. He's already tried to bite me in the supermarket and completely ignored me in the park when I told him to come. I just look stupid and end up shouting and I hate being a shouty parent. I just want to bring out the best in him like his amazing pre-school teachers but I honestly think I bring out the worst in him.

He may well have separation anxiety. He won't have got upset at that specific time on purpose - his intention is not to humiliate you. That's not how 4 year old's minds work. Children live moment to moment. He was happy getting ready and he was happy playing, then when he knew he had to go in he got clingy with you.

The more you get cross at him for being clingy the worse it will get, to be honest. It's very common for children his age to be clingy and have separation anxiety.

The biting sounds like a different issue to me.

Meanwhile, in the real world scorpio...

OP I find my four year old constantly requests snacks when bored. An ad break on tv and suddenly DC declares starvation. A bowl of raw carrot sticks to eat from when feeling peckish sorts that out pretty easily. Set him up with activities like colouring and keeping him occupied/'helping' you by peeling veg/fill a sink with water and have him wash his plastic plates and generally keeping him close to you so you can see when boredom is beginning to set in all help with mine.

For me, I find if I do t get enough sleep myself at night I find myself getting irritated easily the next day. It is important too that you have a break from your children to do your own thing. Is that possible? Could you go for a walk in the evening or go for a run? I find the thought of doing that exhausting but I feel a hundred times better after it.

OP please don't beat yourself up- we've all been there! Many a day when mine were that age I wished I still smoked!

I highly recommend '123 Magic' - google it and have a read up about what it's about, it can really help reset your relationship with your DCS

(I do mention 123 magic a lot on threads - I don't work for them I promise!)

I was like that late last year I only have 1 dc a year younger but was getting shouty and annoyed takin ages to go out. Part of our problem was dc didn't sleep through we were all tired etc. We also potty trained over Xmas.

Im gonna ask how are his poos as you mention food intolerance. My Ds doesn't but had stopped pooing. He is now is on some stuff to make him go and I have to say he's is happier sleeping better and eating more. Now this is probably irrelevant to you but could be something to look at.

I think as we are all getting more sleep and I do try to just ignore the bad behaviour (easier said than done) and just reward the good. The tantrums normally happen when he's tired I leave him to it and just ask if he wants a cuddle. Help keeps me a bit calmer

I totally get where you're coming from, this morning I shouted "get in the bloody car" to my 4 year old. I immediately felt terrrible for: shouting, saying bloody, losing my temper, etc... it's tough, it'll pass, keep going x

YY to 1-2-3 Magic. You sound worn out with this and it's possible to get it all back on track with a book like that, usually.

Thank you there's some really good advice here especially re not forcing him to do kick boxing and not talking to him like he's an adult. I think I lost sight of what was important and took all my frustration out on him. I always tell DP not to expect him to behave like an adult and not to talk to him like he is one yet here I am doing the same thing.

My DD aged 3 got her nursery place. It took me 6 months to get her to stay without me. 6 months of constant reassurance, leaving her for very short periods, constantly going back, more reassurance until she felt secure enough to be left. It was incredibly draining but it wasn't her fault at all. It's just how she is.

She's 11 now and still anxious and still needs reassurance before going to something new but is getting better.

I agree with someone who said you need to break the cycle of your behaviours. You are stuck in a rut.

Did you ask him if he wanted to do kick boxing? It may not be his thing.

I would look at spending time with him before he starts school and then waiting to see if he makes friends and develops interests as he gets a bit older. The opportunity for activities are endless once they are in school and you'll find he probably picks one he really wants to do.

Can you enlist the help of a friend who can come out with you so to look after the younger one while you concentrate on his big brother for the day? He may be mixing up the arrival of the sibling with him being pushed into pre-school and activities. While you see this as finding fun things for him he may see it as you preferring to spend time with the little one.

Four is very small for classes where you aren't with them. None of my four dc were ready for that at four years of age. Also, is he at school or preschool? They are so ex hausted after that, that they can't function or even make sense in my experience. It's very normal for four, I'd knock the class on the head.

I am a childminder. Children usually are much better behaved for me than there parents..My own child was better behaved for nursery than me..Its because they know we love them unconditionally.

Snacks. I would simply cut down to one in morning and one in afternoon. Assuming you are in England he will be starting school in September and they will have fruit break in the morning and nothing in the afternoon. If he is at pre school they willl have one snack..Tell them we are not like pre school. Re leaving give warnings..5 minutes 3 minutes.

Visual timetables at home..

Re kick boxing IMO far too young. My DS does tae kwon do and he didn't start till he was 8 he is progressing far better than the youngster because he is ready..

Don't beat yourself up..Sit down when he is bed and plan how to make things easier for yourself. Look at what has worked well.

Some kids just don't like that sort of thing. There is nothing humiliating about it, the class is for them and not you so if they don't want to why force them?

I've read 1-2-3 magic it is very good! We don't do it, tired and felt it wasn't quite right for us but did take lots of good advice from it. The 'no talking, no emotion' rule is one I've clearly let slip.

Also worth remembering that yes, it does feel embarrassing when people look at you in that circumstance, but your priority is your child and your response to them...Not how it looks to others.

OP, I hear you. Toddlers can be sooooooo trying.

Now, I've been told off for being sanctimonious on another thread, so I will preface this with a disclaimer that I'm really, really not trying to make you feel bad. You are obviously a very thoughtful parent who is doing her very best under trying circumstances (you have two children. This is very very trying!!).

But please, for your sake, try to cut the humiliation out of the picture. Honestly, no one else will even notice if your kid doesn't make it into the class on time. He is 4. He is not the first and he won't be the last child to have an ill-timed tanty. Literally everyone there (assuming it is a child's class!) has seen it all before and if they are thinking about you at all, they are thinking either "oh, poor HadEnough" or "thank fck it's not my kid this time".

Allowing yourself to get worked up about what other people are thinking is only laying pressure on top of an already-annoying scenario. I know it's hard, but do try to let go of it.

I was in a baby singing class once with a mother who was hissing at her son to participate, chastising him for not wanting to get up (despite the fact that loads of the other kids were sitting on their parent's laps, too) and threatening him with going home. I know this isn't you, OP, you seem very thoughtful. But it really is a bad look - she was so clearly embarrassed and taking it out on him, when actually nobody else gave a sh*t.

If your kid is smashing something up in the corner and running around pushing other kids over - by all means give them a telling-off; that really is quite mortifying. But a kid who's being clingy and taking a bit too long - I can understand why that would leave you exasperated and flustered, but humiliated? That's on you.

Lots of good advice on here, hope things improve for you OP, and that you can get a break too. It really is so bloody hard!

Hmm ,well when mine were that age and awful for whatever reason....
once they were sleeping I'd tip toe in the room and remind myself of how sweet they were, and why I loved them
Tis a phase ......

Yeah, I pick bits from it too- we don't do the counting but we do the no talking no emotion and it helps massively! I also like the little adult assumption (i.e. That they are kids and not little adults!)

Why is it that when I am out with mine misbehaving, everyone else children seem to behaving perfectly !!

Lots of really good advice and practical suggestions. I'm sorry it's so hard right now.

My DS has recently been demanding endless snacks when he gets in from school then refusing to eat tea. I got an old ice cream tub and put 5 different snacks in it - for him to choose 1 per day. Then if he's still hungry before tea he can have endless fruit or a yogurt. He has the snack plus 1 price of fruit or a yogurt but hasn't bothered trying to eat his own weight in grapes yet! I think it has worked because he still gets to choose his snack, but there are limits and boundaries. He also does not get used to a packet of crisps ever day, so it hopefully won't become a habit or expectation.

Martial arts tend to be good for kids, as it teaches them structure and discipline, especially very structured martial arts such as Tae Kwon Do.

Try winding back the clock a little with your expectations. It's not reasonable to expect him to KNOW that he will enjoy the class if he leaves his beloved mummy and goes to join in.

Treat him like a toddler for a while, see if that's better. I get some really good behavioural results with kids when I baby them a little, especially when they are the oldest of their sibling group.

Cling to him, cuddle him, pick him up and carry him (a little bit, don't hurt yourself), wrap him in a blanky and sing to him. He is still a very little boy whose sibling has thrust him into the role of 'big boy', perhaps before he was ready.

He's just being 4. You're just being the mum of a 4 year old. It'll work out ok in the end, you just have to keep on trying.

PS: calm and encouraging and firm

He's only 4! If you alter your expectations and responses to him accordingly, you'll see his behaviour improve as a result!

Some children naturally learn from observing social behaviour, while some children lack the empathy skills and have to be taught the rules of social behaviour. So you could try making lists with pictures which he can tick, and give out stars and rewards. Also you could put him 'In Charge' of the younger child to give him status to compensate for the lost 'only child' attention if this attention seeking behaviour is about that.

❤️ You need a day off xxx looking after two young children is really tough xx is there abou one who could give you a break for a day? Things I think might help (apart from rest and space which are sometimes impossible)

• mindfulness it's great for helping things feel less personal.
• the book how to talk so kids will listen for 2-7 year olds. It's an absolute life saver.

Wishing you a brighter tomorrow xxx