Humiliated and so angry at 4 year old

[hadenough7]

I'm so angry and exhausted and really need some perspective on whether I'm being unreasonable. 4 year old is sweet and lovely at times but very demanding and needs constant attention. He has to be asked to do everything 10 times. He's very impulsive and does things he knows he's not supposed to, mostly without thinking then regrets it I think. He makes a mess everywhere. I can't get anything done all he says is mummy mummy mummy all day long. He asks for snacks every 5 minutes. I'm worn out and snappy. Today I really haven't been very nice at all. We were going to a class we do regularly. I told him we were going, all fine in the car, got there and got changed, played with his friends in the waiting room. Times to go in and he starts crying and clinging to me. I tried to encourage him but he refused to go in. Class started without him. I had his younger brother toddling around and said come on everyone's waiting, we don't have time for this. He started really crying and carrying on. I started to get really annoyed as I felt like he'd waited until we'd all gone to all the effort of getting him here and then chose to kick off in front of everyone. The teacher said he's got really bad separation anxiety but has he? Or is he just being a pain in the arse? I just can't see anything clearly anymore I feel so mad at him because life is a constant struggle, his brother gets ignored and I just feel like I'm failing him and failing at life in general. He is just such hard work. Ended up leaving class in a massive tantrum with everyone looking. He's already tried to bite me in the supermarket and completely ignored me in the park when I told him to come. I just look stupid and end up shouting and I hate being a shouty parent. I just want to bring out the best in him like his amazing pre-school teachers but I honestly think I bring out the worst in him.

[hadenough7]

I know shouting isn't helpful. I need to be calm and patient and encouraging but I just fail constantly. He can be so sweet and I know he just wants endless love and attention and I'm sure he wonders why I'm so annoyed all the time. I put him to bed and then just feel horribly guilty at how I've handled things. Thank for for the advice re the class and seperation anxiety. I think I was just so wound up by everything else that I took it as a personal attack. I gave him a guilt trip after about humiliating me and wasting everyone's time after too. I'll talk to him later about it and say sorry. I'll try again at the next one but won't push him into it. I'm so annoyed at myself because I know what sort of parent I want to be but it's a far cry from how I am now. Pre-school are amazing and he's so good for them, like a completely different child.

[FlossieFrog]

He is only 4 and still making sense of the world and learning how to express himself.

How much time does he spend at pre-school? I would speak to them and see if they have the same issues. If so, it may be worth seeking SEN input and possible assessment. If not, perhaps they can give you some tips.

My DD (4) has ASD and behaved like this a couple of years ago (clingy and refusal to join in classes), but we have very few tantrums these days unless she's ill. I have some thoughts for you that may help based on tips we were given by a child behavioural psychologist. I am not saying your boy has ASD, but I think these are universal!

Try to get down to his level and make sure you have his attention before asking him to do something. Try to choose your battles and give 12 positives to every negative. I know it's really hard, but try to stay calm and stand your ground but look for compromises when appropriate. In the situation you described with the class I would try to get him to go in being carried and see if there's something you can interest him in to get him comfortable there gently. I would have set snack times and refuse any outside of that. Be consistent.

[FlossieFrog]

Just read your last post, OP, don't beat yourself up, we all have bad days. Keep aiming for that parent you want to be and you'll get there.

[hadenough7]

The class is kick boxing by the way. It's a fun class that could potentially be something he loves. I heard martial arts are good for confidence and discipline which is why I'm so keen to get him involved.

[hadenough7]

Justanother - diet is pretty good actually. He is definitely affected by sugar. Also has several intolerances we found out about recently so have eliminated those foods

[FallenSky]

If you're really angry at a 4 year old for basically being 4, you really should speak to a health visitor or similar.

Oh, please. You've never lost your rag after a constant stream of tantrums? I know I have. Especially if it feels like it's never ending. In fact I quite clearly remember the overwhelming rage I felt one evening when my DS was 6 weeks old. He had screamed and screamed for hours. I was so tired and all I could think was what an arsehole this child was. A little defenceless 6 week old. Obviously I didn't shout or harm him but my God, was I angry. I'd carried him for 9 months. Tore myself nearly in half to get him out, fed him, bathed him, cuddled him, loved him and all I got back was sleepless nights and screaming. It happens.

[Verbena37]

Perhaps he is just desperately ready for school?
Also,nreference always asking for stuff....kids at that age don't have a good concept of time.
Visual timetables are fab.....so a homemade or printed laminated card showing what's next or a list of pics depicting the day.
In his mind, he might not know it's only five minutes since he last asked.

And you perhaps do this, but try to have some quality 1-1 time with just him and not his brother. Even if it's just bath time or story time. Make a big deal of it to him "ooh, mummy is really looking forward to mummy and DS time today".

[Lweji]

Honestly, if that's not a class he's keen on, then let it go. It should be fun, not a chore.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

The class is kick boxing by the way. It's a fun class that could potentially be something he loves. I heard martial arts are good for confidence and discipline which is why I'm so keen to get him involved.

Well, yes. They are. As long as you aren't one of the parents that expects their kid to be a little macho and thinks it's ok to have him bully other kids. I'm not accusing you, btw. But I've just seen that so often.


or maybe he'd enoy a different club? There are so many different teaching styles and atmospheres...

[ClaryIsTheBest]

I'm genuinely not trying to accuse you. My comment probably sounded that way.

But maybe he just doesn't like the class?

Or if he doesn't like Karate he could do Judo (for example)?

5 is pretty young anyway (although my brother was admittedly younger when he started and is nowadays very accomplished).

[TheOnlyLivingToyInNewYork]

Oh, please. You've never lost your rag after a constant stream of tantrums? I know I have

I have. But that isn't what OP said. She thinks he's doing it on purpose, and she's clearly struggling in general. I wasn't being mean to her, I really think she would benefit from some professional advice here.

[Strongmummy]

He's just being a typical 4 year old who has a younger sibling to contend with. no one wants to be shouty, but unless you cut him some slack and remember he's still very young, frontal lobe hasn't fully developed etc....etc....he's just going to keep annoying you, you'll shout again, feel guilty and the cycle will continue. Perhaps read some positive parenting books to break that cycle. Also kids always act differently with their parents versus their teachers. Totally normal.

[Pottedplants]

He has no idea you were humiliated and I think you probably know that you need not have felt humiliated at all. I assure you that the other parents were sympathetic looking on. We have all been there.

Can you arrange regular one to one time with him for an afternoon/weekend day to improve your relationship?

[Lunde]

Sorry to hear that you had such a bad day but remember that he is only 4 and that putting huge pressure to force him into an activity that is meant to be building confidence may end up being self-defeating.

There may also be an element of jealousy and sibling rivalry if he feels he is being forced away from you to do this activity while he imagines his brother is having lots of fun with you without him.

[GogoGobo]

I think the comment about feeling humiliated is very telling. You need to try and see things from a small boys point of view and find a way of communicating with him in a negative way. Maybe a parenting class or reading around the subject. If you feel guilty when he has gone to sleep it's probably because you know you've handled things badly.

[GogoGobo]

Positive not negative!

[Bluntness100]

He's four,,,you talk about him like he's an adult or teen, he doesn't have the ability to reason, he behaves as he feels. Because well he's four...that's what they do. If he upset he will cry, if he wants something he will ask,

You can't give him a "guilt trip about humiliating " you, he doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand a guilt trip, He's four. There is no such thing as a personal attack. He is four.

If you're unable to cope, then you need to seek help, but you can't treat him like an adult.

[OhPuddleducks]

I think 4 is a tricky age because they are right on the cusp of going to school and they need a lot of stimulus and to run down a lot of energy. With the best will in the world you can't provide as much variety and stimulation as he gets at preschool and will get at school day in, day out. Especially with another little one needing you too.

I don't have any advice, but i think 4 is one of those tricky ages that you don't really hear about in the way you hear that 2 is tricky.

Heads up too: every time we get out of the latest hidden tricky age, another rears it's head!

[c0lette]

Totally normal behaviour for a 4 yo in my experience (I have two little boys, one 6, one nearly 4). It's a really frustrating transitional age where they are longing to be independent but still have brains that are a bit like babies'. Both mine have had separation anxiety - it is a pain in the arse sometimes (I have had awful moments of angrily peeling off a child in the morning rush - then later wishing I'd just been calm!) but they do get through it, with lots of love and patience! My nearly-4-yo has the most monster tantrums and gets very aggressive when he's freaking out, it's quite terrifying! In my experience the secret is staying calm (fully recognise this requires superhuman strength at times!) I personally think 4 is way to young to start school. We are a bit mad like that in this country. I look back and think I expected way too much of my 6 yo when he was 4!! Just keep trying your best to be consistent and calm and it will all pass and be fine in the end. Don't beat yourself up, we've all been there!

[BlackeyedSusan]

I would like to say it gets better... well, it does with NT kids.

go to a parenting class. either this will help with strategies, find out what other 4 year olds are like, or if there are issues later.. (the biting in supermarket) then you can say you have done parenting class and using xyz strategies.

I may be biased by the biting in the supermarket. I and my arse are still traumatised after dc had a melt down in the supermarket.

[Pollaidh]

Sounds like a normal 3-4 year old. They get better.

Lots of fresh air, healthy snacks before the 'hanger' can set in, no sweets and sugar (avoid the sugar rush and low). I've noticed our DC's behaviour worsens after watching TV (and we're talking CBeebies, not something dreadful).

Mine can be lovely, but also an absolute PITA. His sister was the same, and now she's a generally lovely member of society (still doesn't listen much).

[Greyponcho]

How is his fluid intake? Thirst can often be mistaken for hunger, which may be why he's constantly asking for snacks (is it any snack, or something more specific?), or is it that he equates receiving treats as affection/attention (and possibly something his sibling isn't getting, but he is?). How does he respond if you give him fruit or something that isn't a favourite food item as a snack?

[Pottedplants]

Scorpio He is a four year old little child. He is being s tad naughty at times. Whilst I agree with a lot of what you say regarding consistency and boundaries, he is also a person trying to establish his independence while having the maturity of a baby. He most certainly is not 'a brat'. Your post saddens me.

[Strongmummy]

Christ Scorpio, that's a pretty harsh/non empathetic attitude. Not sure how loudly sayingNo at a child will help, especially when the Op is trying to be less shouty!!!