Humiliated and so angry at 4 year old

[hadenough7]

I'm so angry and exhausted and really need some perspective on whether I'm being unreasonable. 4 year old is sweet and lovely at times but very demanding and needs constant attention. He has to be asked to do everything 10 times. He's very impulsive and does things he knows he's not supposed to, mostly without thinking then regrets it I think. He makes a mess everywhere. I can't get anything done all he says is mummy mummy mummy all day long. He asks for snacks every 5 minutes. I'm worn out and snappy. Today I really haven't been very nice at all. We were going to a class we do regularly. I told him we were going, all fine in the car, got there and got changed, played with his friends in the waiting room. Times to go in and he starts crying and clinging to me. I tried to encourage him but he refused to go in. Class started without him. I had his younger brother toddling around and said come on everyone's waiting, we don't have time for this. He started really crying and carrying on. I started to get really annoyed as I felt like he'd waited until we'd all gone to all the effort of getting him here and then chose to kick off in front of everyone. The teacher said he's got really bad separation anxiety but has he? Or is he just being a pain in the arse? I just can't see anything clearly anymore I feel so mad at him because life is a constant struggle, his brother gets ignored and I just feel like I'm failing him and failing at life in general. He is just such hard work. Ended up leaving class in a massive tantrum with everyone looking. He's already tried to bite me in the supermarket and completely ignored me in the park when I told him to come. I just look stupid and end up shouting and I hate being a shouty parent. I just want to bring out the best in him like his amazing pre-school teachers but I honestly think I bring out the worst in him.

[Maireadplastic]

You can only negotiate with a child when they feel safe. You can only help them feel safe when you are calm- and I don't mean pretending to be calm! In a situation like this, you need to dial it right down, be quiet and reassuring and only then can you communicate.
Bloody, bloody hard though. And I think it applies to all ages!

[user1484578224]

blimey I think we all know what we should do....easier said than done.
The pre school staff do not have that massive emotional bond with him that you do.

Your own kids are damn hard work. Try to take a break and get some rest.

Maybe 4 year old is tired?

[user1484578224]

is the class after full day at school?

[DontFundHate]

Try reading Sarah ockwell smith the gentle discipline book. It explains so much about child behaviour and might help , a lot of his behaviour sounds so age appropriate. I love her books for helping me to understand what's going on and gentle ideas to deal with them

[Playingitbyear]

No advice, just sympathy. I often have situations where I just need to 'get out of there' with my 4yr old and 2 yr old. The other day we were at a playgroup where they both started screaming/tantrumming, nothing was working and the only thing left was to go home. I so understand the humiliation feeling. Trying to carry and get into a buggy two screaming children with a room full of people watching you, getting hotter and hotter. I actually had a little weep on the walk home.

[Cantthinkofabloodyusername]

He is 4 and acting like a 4 year old. My daughter is 4 and if she did the same thing I would just have taken her home. Why would you upset him so much over something that is supposed to be a fun club? Did you ask him why he didn't want to go?

[willknitforwine]

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if someone else has mentioned this - you mention that he behaves really well for his preschool teachers and so you think you must be failing him if he behaves badly for you. Not true, please don't think that about yourself. You are your son's safe person, the one that he knows will love him unconditionally, regardless of the crap he may throw your way. So unfortunately that means you get to see him at his worst, but try to see that as an indication of how much he trusts you - he feels safe enough to let all his feelings come out, even the bad ones.

Doesn't help you deal with the actual behaviour I'm afraid, if I knew the answers to that I'd be a happy, well-rested (and probably quite rich!) lady. But there seems to be lots of good advice coming through on here so hopefully that will help. But please do not feel you are failing him or letting him down. If you were you probably wouldn't notice/care about the problems.

[canda]

One thing I found really useful was when my friend pointed out that it is hard for kids to hear they have to behave because of other people (in our case it was bedtime clinginess when we had guests). So instead of saying "I need to go and cook for guests now" which caused meltdown I tried saying "I need to go downstairs because I'm really hungry and want to eat". Miraculously it worked. What a revelation.

[Mmest75]

It sounds like you have had a tough day - don't be too hard on yourself ... the fact you are worrying about it....
There is no such a thing as the perfect parent and of course not the perfect child either.
I found my son so much challenging than my daughter and it was a real shock.
Maybe ditch that group and try something g else most do free trials...

[SuziePink]

I don't have any experience of dealing with 4 year olds myself (yet) but I totally agree with all the people who say you need a break and do something for yourself if you can. Please don't think you're a bad mother just because your child winds you up. If a certain strategy isn't working for you then it's time to find a new one rather than beating yourself up about it.

[Mindovermatter1625]

This could have been me 2 years ago. My daughter was 4 and at nursery it was a nightmare.

Things I did to help:

Stopped rushing
Changed how I said things, instead of we will be late, I said, let's make sure we are on time.
I ignored all bad behaviour at the time as I realised she couldn't listen to me in the middle of a meltdown. I would chat to her about it after by telling he how it made me feel. Hitting mummy hurt mummy and embarrassed me. I didn't like it......but I loved how you came to the car nicely, that made me very happy.

During bad behaviour I reassured her I loved her and continued to love her no matter what.

After some time of my new methods she eventually calmed down, she realised she didn't get the reaction she was used to and I feel she was reassured she could do anything and be loved. I had to do this for my own sanity and stress levels, I felt so much calmer and just thought inside, I'm the adult she is just a little girl struggling with emotions and I need to teach her that shouting is not the answer as it wasn't helping. Once I had my new strategy in place I felt more in control of situations, I learnt to care less if we had to leave places we had just arrived at, and I reduced the amount of things we did and spent more time just being with her.

Hope this helps, you will come out the other side, just find something that works for you.

[Jem6738]

Hadenough7. Honestly we have ALL been there. I would just try and be firm,try and ignore the bad behaviour (not always easy I know), don't threaten anything you are not prepared to carry out. Also I never believed it until I saw it but the power of a sticker chart for good behaviour is amazing. Try not to be too hard on yourself

[Holldstock1]

OP/ Some of the other posters:

Its really difficult when you are going through this. Has anyone tried Magic 1-2-3? See some blurb below. We had behaviour problems at primary school - youngest DS had ADHD & Dyspraxia. The school gave us the opportunity to go on 123 Magic and it was good. Used it with both my boys. The only thing about it is that you must be consistent and each adult in the family i.e. DH & Grandparents etc need to do it as well.

Didn't solve everything but it did help. See info below from a US site (I think) but its available over here.

1-2-3 Magic Product Family

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2–12 is an evidence-based, easy-to-learn and effective parenting program for parents. 1-2-3 Magic System can be used with children as early as 18 months through 12 years. 1-2-3 Magic is parents in charge, but no arguing, yelling or spanking is allowed.

1-2-3 Magic is the #1 selling child discipline book in the country, and the book itself has sold more than 1.8 million copies in 22 languages. 1-2-3 Magic produces results quickly, and its power comes from the fact that it is the only parenting program based on the fact that moms and dads talk too much! You will learn how silence speaks louder than words.

“All I have to say is that the ideas in 1-2-3 Magic really WORK.” It really is like magic!

[Mindovermatter1625]

Just add my dad used to mainly meltdown in the playground after nursery when waiting on my son. I would kneel down, tell her I still loved her but that hitting me hurt me and I'd like her to stop, I would then stand up and ignore her hitting me.

Some other mums didn't like the way I dealt with her......tough luck to them, one was arrogant enough to tell me! I just know that showing love would work better than all the punishments in the world for both me and dd. I was also dealing with her reflex seizures which if she got very upset she would pass out, so I wanted to keep situations calm and not make her too wound up. Sometime tho I could hardly talk to her I was so upset but I stayed calm and reassuring (most of the time!) I wish you the best of luck

[Mindovermatter1625]

The book 'How to Listen so Kids will talk and talk so kids will listen' also gave me some good ideas of how I could talk to my children differently

[Mindovermatter1625]

The book 'How to Listen so Kids will talk and talk so kids will listen' also gave me some good ideas of how I could talk to my children differently

[hadenough7]

I can see now that I definitely placed too much importance on the class and it's really not worth pushing DS into it. I've seen him enjoy it when he's joined in in the past so I thought I was doing him a favour but if I'm traumatising him getting him in the room it's really not worth it. I knew as soon as we left that I'd handled the whole thing badly so the humiliation was mostly down to my own behaviour and complete lack of control over him. It's been really helpful to read all these comments and reflect on it, I just hope I manage to keep it together the next time a similar situation arises.

[camelfinger]

I've given up taking my boys to classes. I would love it if they enjoyed them, but it's just not their thing so I've stopped going. Perhaps it's similar with your boy? We have similar problems with our 3 year old so I do sympathise.

[hadenough7]

DontFundHate - I really like Sarah Ockwell Smith so will try that book. I did her toddler calm course a couple of years ago and found it really helpful.

[apringle]

My oldest is 4 and she's gone from sweetest girl ever to tantruming 2 year old. Try to cut yourselves both some slack and know it will pass.

[Coffeeisnecessary]

Op please don't feel alone- I (and many here on the thread) have been in the same situation, I too feel humiliated by my children when I feel like they are the only ones not behaving 'normally'. I've had to readjust my view on it and realise that my children aren't the same as others and that is ok, even if it is infuriating now! I'm hoping the extra sensitivity they seem to have to just about any kind of group activity will develop into something positive in the future!

[Picoloangel]

My DD is 6 and still suffers from tseparation anxiety. I have also felt terrible at times when I have been snappy and absolutely bat shit crazy ranting and raving at her when she's got the bit between her teeth and raging.

It is very stressful having a child who constantly needs to be with you etc but as time has gone in with my DD I have learnt some things.

Firstly, 99% of the time her acting out is motivated by anxiety and secondly 99% of the time my reaction dictates how situations pan out. If I am tired and irritable and react badly it nearly always ends in a tantrum and me feeling like I have handled things badly. If I am calm and reasonable or can be good humoured and distract her it all ends very differently.

Just a thought but about 6 months before starting school my DD became a complete nightmare - constantly acting out; she even hit me which she had never done before. This went on for months and I was honestly close to some kind of breakdown. In complete exasperation I asked her what was going on with her and in a very small and scared voice she told me that she really didn't want to go to school and wanted to stay at her pre school. Maybe that's what's going on with your DS?

As I said it is extremely stressful to have a clingy and sensitive child - my DD still hates being away from me but we have come a long way and she now attends groups etc on her own. She still hates change but I know that now. I also try really hard to keep in mind that she's probably worried or tired
or both.

I have sat and cried many a time and felt a failure but can only tell myself that I am doing my very best and sometimes I am going to lose my shit and her things spectacularly wrong.

Hang in there OP. X

[Loopylou13]

First of all I can sympathise. It's a tough age especially with another one to look after as it's so exhausting and relentless. I think from his behaviour at home your DS is telling you something is wrong. The needing constant attention and making a mess, needing snacks all the time etc. I think these are all alarm bells that he's struggling with something and it could be separation anxiety. We had some of this with my DS when my DD was born. In hindsight the separation anxiety was already there before she was born but it really ramped up after that. He needed me all the time and hated being dropped off at preschool. They just can't tell us how they're feeling so it manifests itself in this really annoying behaviour.
Try looking into Hand in Hand Parenting. It totally transformed my DS's behaviour. It's a combination of techniques and they really helped - gently setting a limit and Staylistening when he had a meltdown, Playlistening and Special Time.
Finally, don't take it personally - he's struggling with something not trying to annoy you and forget about what anyone in public thinks because it's irrelevant.
Sorry for the long post.

[simonelac]

Oh poor you guys. I really feel for you. My DD suffered terrible separation anxiety and we found that giving her 'transitional items' really helped. Basically, giving her something of mine to look after for the day helped her keep in mind that she would be seeing me again soon, and shifted her focus onto looking after the object. It could be a scarf tied to her bag, or a key-ring attached to it, or something little safe in a secure coat pocket.

Please don't beat yourself up... you're not "a shouty parent", neither do you "bring out the worst in him". I think we all have these periods with our children, I definitely had loads and continue to have them from time to time even though DD is now 8! Overall, we have a cracking relationship, she still adores me and is a very happy child... despite all the mistakes and mis-steps when she was little!

[simonelac]

Sorry to go on... But just to agree with Loupyloo - absolutely don't give "the public" another thought! We never mention it or give ourselves credit - but we (this generation of parents, I mean) are really trying a new and improved style of parenting which doesn't rely on fear or corporal punishment. In the old days, people could threaten or terrify their children into "good" behaviour, but we are trying something different - a gentler, kinder parenting style that respects our children as human beings. Our grandparents may have simply smacked a "naughty" child and avoided a public scene... but we don't want to do that. Which means we have to work really hard to try to understand what is going on in a small child's mind and be super-creative with coming up with solutions. I really don't think people should judge parents who, at their wits end, may resort to shouting...