Children in the basement and the nanny's boyfriend!

[ElGatodelCanto]

Sorry I had to name change, but would very much appreciate any perspectives on WWYD in this situation.

DD went to a sleepover at a school friend's on Saturday. DH and I have met the parents a few times - they had a drinks party at their house a few months ago and we've been as part of a larger group for dinner there. They have been to our home once, again as part of a larger group.

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs. The nanny has been with them a few years I think. She seems lovely and very competent. Many people assume she is the mum I think, as she comes to all assemblies and music recitals, that kind of thing, as well as doing all schooldrop offs and pick ups. I see her around, at the school and sometimes at the gym.

When DD returned from the sleepover she'd had a lovely time and wants to go again. However, she told me that the nanny's "boyfriend" had been there in the evening. In her words, she "saw them kissing" in the kitchen and the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises". These are DD's words. She says she doesn't think he stayed the night as he wasn't there in the morning. DD's friend has whispered to DD that this man was not really allowed there. The parents are away a lot and I don't think they were there over the weekend.

DH is livid about this. He says he will not have his daughter exposed to this kind of thing and that this nanny could have let any Tom or Harry in and it's not acceptable. He has now gone on a business trip, but wants me to speak to the mother.

I'm not sure it's my business to speak to the mother as I feel as if I know the nanny better on a day to day basis (I might see her at the gym later). Also if it was just kissing, do I need to say or do anything? I also feel that if the mother is happy for the children to live downstairs with the nanny, it's her business to make sure she knows what's going on.

What would you do - a) nothing b) mention something to the nanny or c) go straight to the mother (this is what DH wants me to do, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it).

What a sad set up for the children.

Did either of the parents go to the parents evening, or just the Nanny?

I find it so strange.

I would've spoken to the nanny (as you have done).

However you can't compare parents kissing and the nanny/bf kissing. When you let a child sleep there you at least know the parents exist so choosing to trust them is your decision. A nanny however is CRB checked so you can base trust on that and if you know them.
People dropping in during the sleepover wouldn't bother me, but a random man possibly staying overnight would definitely bother me. You don't know him, unlike the nanny he hasn't been CRB checked, basically you have no idea who he is or how long she's even known him. If he did sleep over then you basically have an unsupervised unknown adult with your child.

The kissing thing doesn't bother me, my husband and I are very soppy lol as are my parents so that's normal for me.

and the children are really lovely. Clearly, because the nanny is bringing them up. Poor things. She doesn't seem to have much regard for her employers (maybe rightly) so I guess all that keeps her there is her love for the kids.

I have known set ups where the nanny even chooses the school the kids go to. I really do not understand parents like this. It is not childcare, it is paying someone else to be the parent.

brasty - I know a similar couple who are otherwise fairly well-integrated in the UK and sensible but when it came to choosing schools paid an Indian VA to do online research about which nearby schools were available and suitable. Not MN, not local friends, not their own views of the school/s... My mind was well and truly blown.

Your husband is right to be upset by this behaviour as your daughter is only 9. Also, the nanny might sound nice and competent but the fact that the other children are keeping her secret aka lying about the boyfriend says a lot too. I personally would speak to both the mum and nanny, we can't assume that just because the parents allow the children to"live" downstairs that they're okay with all that goes on, perhaps they're under the impression that all is good and she can be trusted, perhaps she can to such an extent but the keroungbit wyietvthat the boyfriend is iver siunddcti me like the parents must have that rule for a reason. I think it's not right for anyone including parents to teach children to tell lies. Who knows what else they will end up keeping a secret.

Meant to type " the fact the the boyfriend is not allowed over sounds to me like the parents must have that rule for a reason "

Bluebell28 slightly harsh as the OP clearly didn't know that there be someone else other than the nanny looking after her and the other children, her husband was horrified and I'm sure had they known this probably wouldn't have allowed their child to go to the sleepover, just saying.

The kids live in the cellar with the nanny, and it doesn't even have an internal door to the house where their parents live, and they visit at weekends only for meals? And the mother doesn't work but doesn't attend assemblies etc? Christ on a bike! I've heard it allot now. Why do some people even have children?

OP, I would speak to the nanny but not the emotionally neglectful parents.

I feel really sorry for the kids and the nanny.

The "parents" clearly don't give a shit about their kids - so I wouldn't be talking to them about it.

Speak to the nanny directly. The situation may have been misread and you don't want to run the risk of getting her dismissed etc of she did nothing wrong xx