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AIBU?

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Original poster

Children in the basement and the nanny's boyfriend!

211 replies

ElGatodelCanto · 07/03/2017 09:50

Sorry I had to name change, but would very much appreciate any perspectives on WWYD in this situation.

DD went to a sleepover at a school friend's on Saturday. DH and I have met the parents a few times - they had a drinks party at their house a few months ago and we've been as part of a larger group for dinner there. They have been to our home once, again as part of a larger group.

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs. The nanny has been with them a few years I think. She seems lovely and very competent. Many people assume she is the mum I think, as she comes to all assemblies and music recitals, that kind of thing, as well as doing all schooldrop offs and pick ups. I see her around, at the school and sometimes at the gym.

When DD returned from the sleepover she'd had a lovely time and wants to go again. However, she told me that the nanny's "boyfriend" had been there in the evening. In her words, she "saw them kissing" in the kitchen and the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises". These are DD's words. She says she doesn't think he stayed the night as he wasn't there in the morning. DD's friend has whispered to DD that this man was not really allowed there. The parents are away a lot and I don't think they were there over the weekend.

DH is livid about this. He says he will not have his daughter exposed to this kind of thing and that this nanny could have let any Tom or Harry in and it's not acceptable. He has now gone on a business trip, but wants me to speak to the mother.

I'm not sure it's my business to speak to the mother as I feel as if I know the nanny better on a day to day basis (I might see her at the gym later). Also if it was just kissing, do I need to say or do anything? I also feel that if the mother is happy for the children to live downstairs with the nanny, it's her business to make sure she knows what's going on.

What would you do - a) nothing b) mention something to the nanny or c) go straight to the mother (this is what DH wants me to do, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it).

OP posts:
pollymere · 08/03/2017 18:10

The children including guests were in the nanny's care and she not only had her boyfriend over whilst working but got up to mischief too? If this happened in a class of kids by their teacher you'd have no query! It's inappropriate behaviour especially as it seems she's not supposed to even have the bf over. I would definitely mention it to the mother as it makes you wonder what other liberties the nanny takes in their absence!

BlueFolly · 08/03/2017 18:11

Sounds like your DH thinks the nanny is a slaaaaaaag.

Limitededition7inch · 08/03/2017 18:14

Seriously hope polly's post was administered with a heavy dose of irony. Hmm

If the nanny is the main carer, and is loyal and trusted, why should it have been mentioned that her boyfriend was over? A strange setup, granted, but if it was the mother would she have had to have mentioned her husband was there?

I'm not advocating exposing children to awful stuff, but a bit of a kiss and a cuddle isn't that bad: certainly not enough to go in all guns blazing and mention it to the mother. Maybe discreetly mention it to the nanny, yes, but imo your husband is slightly overreacting.

CRAZZZYLADY40 · 08/03/2017 18:21

sounds like the nanny is bringing up the kids and doesn't have a lot of time to herself , she's not a slave so is perfectly entitled to a life which includes relationships. would it be such an issue if it had been the parents kissing?

user1484578224 · 08/03/2017 18:33

I would go for the say nothing but don't let child go back there option.

cherish123 · 08/03/2017 18:37

I am surprised the parents organised a sleepover when they were not there. Obviously quite incompetent parents esp as they seem to have no actual need for a nanny - does not sound like this woman wants children. I think I would not say anything but I would be reluctant to let her sleep over there again.

ukpor · 08/03/2017 18:49

As someone with a similar set up as you've described I'd like to know. I have a nanny who lives in the annexe. Her boyfriend is not allowed to stay there or come to the house however she has the weekends off and finishes work at 6 so she can go out or go to his. She does take DD during the day to her apartment as much as I try to discourage it but she's good with her.
If this happened at mine, I'd like to be made aware even if we agreed the boyfriend could stay as a one off. It's only fair that the parent knows what other parents think with respect to that and she can respond

TeethDrama · 08/03/2017 18:52

Nanny is not parents though, it's different. She was on duty, paid to be looking after the children not snogging her boyfriend. Be there of her own free will, free to get another job if that one didn't suit. The "poor nanny" doesn't wash with me. Nobody knows if the man involved was a passing fancy or long term boyfriend, and parents of visiting children have a right to know who's there alongside their children. What if it was a casual fling that she'd met the week before?

Also I don't agree heavy kissing (by the sounds of it) would be appropriate by parents in front of visiting children either, not just the nanny.

brasty · 08/03/2017 18:54

I have known set ups like this. The nanny is basically the parent. The parents are hardly involved with the children at all.

itsmine · 08/03/2017 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brasty · 08/03/2017 19:00

And I would ask anyone who knows of such set ups not to tell parents about minor misdemeanors that the nanny does. If a nanny is sacked in this set up, it is highly damaging to the children. They basically lose the adult who has been bringing them up, and a new nanny is brought in to take over the parent role.
In these set ups parents basically see children for a very short time in the day.. It harks back to the Victorian nanny when children were brought to see their parents for about half an hour each day. That does not mean children don't love their parents, they do. But it does mean the nanny is the one the children have the much closer bond to.
Luckily not many families in the UK bring up their children like this.

brasty · 08/03/2017 19:02

itsmine Lots of employers of nannies have ridiculous rules like that.

MsJudgemental · 08/03/2017 19:48

Why do some people think that a live-in nanny should not be allowed to have her boyfriend stay over? She is not a slave and you cannot police her personal life.

gemma19846 · 08/03/2017 20:09

Why does the family even have a nanny if the mum doesnt work :/ what a strange set up

Original poster
ElGatodelCanto · 08/03/2017 20:33

Sorry I've been at parents' evening and hadn't realised the thread had continued.

I saw the nanny tonight as we were both waiting between appointments. I thanked her for having had DD. I asked if she ever gets weekends off, she must be shattered, etc and dropped in that I hadn't realised her boyfriend was living there as well. She said he doesn't live there and it's difficult to see him because her time off is in the day and his in the evening. I said that must be difficult, not having your own space. She said the parents told her to treat the flat as if it's her own home. Then she kind of rolled her eyes and said the parents have so many issues and it's a nightmare at times Confused. I suggested she needs to be careful because children obviously talk and she said the parents are "on another planet". I suggested she should get some clear agreement about him coming over or it could get tricky because she's in an unusual situation. The boyfriend is at risk too if the children say anything, it's not just her job. She did seem to agree - I hope so anyway.

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 08/03/2017 20:38

Why do some people think that a live-in nanny should not be allowed to have her boyfriend stay over? She is not a slave and you cannot police her personal life.

This is an attitude I'd associate with Saudis, frankly, having known a fair few.

Original poster
ElGatodelCanto · 08/03/2017 20:38

I don't know what the mother does all day. Shr doesn't drive, but she has a driver available who takes her out. I don't work either, but I do everything relating to our DC. It's hard to relate in a way, although she seems very nice when she does engage with people. The DH seems polite and charming and the children are really lovely.

OP posts:
quicklydecides · 08/03/2017 20:55

I think people who farm out their children like this are easily threatened and easily offended.
I have seen a beloved nanny get the sack because the children loved her more than their (hideously cold) parent, and I have seen an au pair asked to leave because she was seen on her day off kissing someone in town.
In both cases the parents didn't consider their children at all, children were devastated, died a little inside at the loss, parents didn't even notice.
Just another dinner table anecdote about how difficult it is to get reliable help.

Estilou · 08/03/2017 21:26

If that's the set up they have got (odd as it seems) then yes the nanny is entitled to a life and a boyfriend. Wouldn't be my choice to leave my kids in the care of another woman 24/7 who will inevitably have boyfriends/men round at times but each to their own.

Megatherium · 08/03/2017 22:53

If the parents told her to treat the flat as her own home, obviously she isn't doing anything wrong having her boyfriend there. So there's even less reason to say anything to them.

brianna5 · 08/03/2017 23:02

Wow! Lovely to hear u had a chat with her.

At least now she knows she can't have him over when ur daughter is there. Don't see anything wrong with having a nanny. as diff families with diff ways of life.

When the nanny got d job she knew the rules and accepted them so don't understand why she can't abide by them. If my nanny brought a man home on a day off will be unacceptable and will get the sack.

Every job comes with a job description and you have a choice to accept or decline. But dont agree with d kids spending d nite or nites with her when the parents are home.

I can't imagine someone else playing mummy on my behalf. Hmm

TheUnicorns · 08/03/2017 23:03

I don't think kissing is inappropriate at all, my parents kissed and cuddled all the time when I was a kid. Showed me what a loving relationship looked like. She didn't rip off his clothes and throw down on the kitchen floor with some baby oil for goodness sake.

SelenaGomezaddict · 08/03/2017 23:08

This reply has been deleted

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Bluebell28 · 08/03/2017 23:26

You are not the nanny's employer so why would you speak to her or her employers? You allowed your child to stay in a house without you present with people you barely know so maybe look at your own parenting.

lotbyname · 09/03/2017 00:20

Hm. Other people lead difficult lives

I wouldn't because do you want to teach your daughter that consenting interaction should be punished?

Also those poor kids would lose a stable figure on their lives.

I'd keep Dd away but not because of the kissing...