Children in the basement and the nanny's boyfriend!

[ElGatodelCanto]

Sorry I had to name change, but would very much appreciate any perspectives on WWYD in this situation.

DD went to a sleepover at a school friend's on Saturday. DH and I have met the parents a few times - they had a drinks party at their house a few months ago and we've been as part of a larger group for dinner there. They have been to our home once, again as part of a larger group.

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs. The nanny has been with them a few years I think. She seems lovely and very competent. Many people assume she is the mum I think, as she comes to all assemblies and music recitals, that kind of thing, as well as doing all schooldrop offs and pick ups. I see her around, at the school and sometimes at the gym.

When DD returned from the sleepover she'd had a lovely time and wants to go again. However, she told me that the nanny's "boyfriend" had been there in the evening. In her words, she "saw them kissing" in the kitchen and the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises". These are DD's words. She says she doesn't think he stayed the night as he wasn't there in the morning. DD's friend has whispered to DD that this man was not really allowed there. The parents are away a lot and I don't think they were there over the weekend.

DH is livid about this. He says he will not have his daughter exposed to this kind of thing and that this nanny could have let any Tom or Harry in and it's not acceptable. He has now gone on a business trip, but wants me to speak to the mother.

I'm not sure it's my business to speak to the mother as I feel as if I know the nanny better on a day to day basis (I might see her at the gym later). Also if it was just kissing, do I need to say or do anything? I also feel that if the mother is happy for the children to live downstairs with the nanny, it's her business to make sure she knows what's going on.

What would you do - a) nothing b) mention something to the nanny or c) go straight to the mother (this is what DH wants me to do, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it).

[PeaFaceMcgee]

Because the nanny will deny it and think of and discredit op to her employer

[PeaFaceMcgee]

It's not up to us to decide whether they were fucking or kissing in front of some 9 year olds, btw.

[PeaFaceMcgee]

You do know some people get off on displaying sexual behaviour in front of children, don't you? It was enough to concern the DD... OP should take it seriously with the person who is most likely to be able to take charge of the situation.

[ElGatodelCanto]

I don't know - we have 2 girls and this one is the elder one so doing things first I guess. He's not trying to be disrespectful towards the nanny. It was more the fact that he dropped DD off and it was just the children and her and he thinks she should have mentioned that there would also be a man staying over.
He is quite affectionate himself, but he's not all over me when there's other people DC in the room. He can be a bit OTT though and I admitted that earlier. I'm not sure exactly what his issue is -probably DD in a situation he's not sure about.

[maggiecate]

Blimey, how the other half live!

I don't think the kissing is the big issue - your daughter doesn't sound all that fazed about it. She's probably seen a lot more on the TV by now, and if it were the parents you'd not think twice about it. It's that you didn't know he was going to be there. If she'd said "my boyfriend will be coming over, are you OK with that?" you can make an informed choice, find out more about him, ask to meet him - but as it is, it's a stranger having access to your kids that you didn't know about.

It sounds like an almost Victorian set up - poor kids, only seeing their parents for odd hours and getting raised by the staff. Given that nanny isn't really meant to have the bloke round, the fact that they haven't dropped her in it with the parents tells you quite a lot about the relationships in that household. She sounds as if she's their rock.

[WyfOfBathe]

I wouldn't have a problem with the boyfriend being there, but I would have a problem with snogging and moaning up against a wall in front of DC. Of course DH & I kiss in front of DD, but not that kind of passionate snogging.

I think you should speak to the nanny and see what she says.

[ElGatodelCanto]

Yes DH is also annoyed about DD's friend saying that the boyfriend shouldn't be there. He thinks the father should know who is coming in and out of his own property at the least, but he probably doesn't.
I also wonder if the little girl would even tell her parents anyway.
I think the DC see the parents on Sunday afternoons, maybe at some point on Saturdays and briefly each evening after homework is finished, if the DPs are in London. They eat dinner with the nanny on school nights. DD has often joined them.
It makes me quite upset. But when you meet the parents they are surprisingly normal, though DH thinks the mother is on meds.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

Presumably the OP's DH is worried they were actually shagging? The squashing her against the wall and loud noises is potentially worrying. These things do happen, either because the people don't think they'll be seen or on purpose. If I were you I think I'd be asking DD a bit more about it although I understand you don't want to get her worried about it. I certainly wouldn't want to send her round again.

[Poorlybabysickday]

I wouldn't even bring it up, the nanny surely is entitled to have a boyfriend

[Crumbs1]

Not your place to,judge. If you don't trust the nanny then don't let your child go there. Personally, I can't see why a child shouldn't see kissing. You only need to go a beach to see it.

[Cuppaoftea]

Bit naive to suggest this was a bit of affectionate kissing. Sounds like your DD is aware it was more than that and there's a reason she wanted to talk to you about it. Your DH is right to be furious.

[Orangetoffee]

Let your husband contact the father then as the women obviously cannot be trusted.

Or stop your DD from going to her friends house and let your husband explain why.

What are your thoughts on this situation?

[ElGatodelCanto]

Orange - as I said, DH can go into one sometimes. It's not that he's wrong, as such, I just think he can be a bit too direct in the way he deals with things and he forgets that not every interaction is a business transaction. So I just say yes, I'll deal with it and then do it my way. DH is in a different time zone atm anyway.

He doesn't think women can't be trusted, but he would probably feel more comfortable talking to the other DH rather than his m wife or the nanny because he would feel that's maybe not appropriate, or better if I did it.

Lots of opposing views on here. I will no doubt have an opportunity to speak with the nanny in the next couple of days and see how I feel after that.

[Hissy]

I also don't like the "she could have all sorts coming and goingl"

This could be an established relationship

That said, he should not be there when the child has her friend sleeping over

As for CRB, if a childminder has adult children in the household, they have to have a DBS check. So it's not such a daft call tbh.

I think a word with the nanny, OP. a strong one at that, but there is something not at all nice about your DH attitude

[Orangetoffee]

It's just that you haven't said what you think should or shouldn't happen. You have told us what dh thinks and wants you to do but not what your own thoughts are.

I would just talk to the nanny and find out what really happened and take it from there.

[ElGatodelCanto]

Orange - I posted this morning because I wasn't sure!

[Orangetoffee]

I understand that, sorry. I think your approach sounds sensible and hope your dd can continue her sleepovers.

[ElGatodelCanto]

Thanks so much!

[oleoleoleole]

OP get a grip.

Regardless of whether it was the nanny or mother your daughter has witnessed behaviour that has caused her concern enough to mention it to you. This is a massive red flag and you should absolutely be doing something about it.

She has witnessed inappropriate behaviour which she would not be expected to see at home.

As well as that, she has been told by her best friend that the bf is not supposed to be there.

THIS IS HOW CHILDREN ARE ABUSED, secrets are kept.

You are keeping the fact that the BF is there when he shouldn't be from the parents, how would you feel if it came out that your daughters best friend is being abused/neglected and you had not spoken to the parents.

I cannot urge you enough to contact the parents. If everything is ok there is no harm done. If it's not the. You might have just saved a child from keeping any more secrets.

PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE YOUR DAUGHTER's disclosure.

[MerryMarigold]

your daughter has witnessed behaviour that has caused her concern enough to mention it to you.

It depends how it was said, why do you assume she was 'disturbed'? My kids would find this HILARIOUS, but they wouldn't be damaged.

[RevEm]

Tbh, you don't sound as if you know the parents that well, but you still let your children sleep over. Why it is any concern to you who the nanny has round? Would to be any difference if it wasn't the nanny and her BF, but was the husband kissing the mother?

This is an unusual set up...I wouldn't leave my kids overnight (or even for an hour!) with any parents who cared so little for their children that they moved them to the basement with their nanny...or who despite not working sends the nanny to school events instead of attending herself.

I wouldn't tell the Mother either, if the nanny is breaking the rules and gets sacked, sounds like the kids would be extremely upset.

[WannaBe]

What a lot of hysteria over nothing.

Firstly, people seem to be jumping to conclusions that witnessing two adults kissing would upset children. WTF? Perhaps the child just said she'd seen it happening. Big deal.

Secondly, all this talk of strange men going into the house, being allowed round the house while the children were there is completely OTT. What if the children had stayed there and the parents had had friends round for a drink or they'd just popped in to visit, or the grandparents had popped round or an uncle or the neighbour or any number of other people who the OP hadn't given permission to be in proximity to her DD.

Do people really think that whenever your children go round to someone's house the people in that house should clarify every person who might come round or who might be there at the same time? No wonder children grow up terrified of their own shadows when parents are so bloody paranoid all the time.

[Strongmummy]

V odd set up. However on the basis that 1) the nanny is a grown woman and has a life of her own 2) the parents let their kids live with the nanny 3) you have no idea what the house rules are I'd say nothing, but just not let your daughter stay overnight again. I just can't get over how weird the set up is......

[Megatherium]

Yes DH is also annoyed about DD's friend saying that the boyfriend shouldn't be there. He thinks the father should know who is coming in and out of his own property at the least, but he probably doesn't.

How does he know that the boyfriend shouldn't be there? For all he knows it's permitted by the employers. When you have a live-in nanny you have to expect her to have a social life.

As for the father knowing who's coming and going, as he seems to be out of the country half the time that's clearly completely unrealistic.

[Megatherium]

Regardless of whether it was the nanny or mother your daughter has witnessed behaviour that has caused her concern enough to mention it to you. This is a massive red flag and you should absolutely be doing something about it.

So whenever my child tells me something she has seen, it must be because it's caused her concern? Don't be silly. Children seeing adults kissing is not inherently a sign that they are being abused.