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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children in the basement and the nanny's boyfriend!

211 replies

ElGatodelCanto · 07/03/2017 09:50

Sorry I had to name change, but would very much appreciate any perspectives on WWYD in this situation.

DD went to a sleepover at a school friend's on Saturday. DH and I have met the parents a few times - they had a drinks party at their house a few months ago and we've been as part of a larger group for dinner there. They have been to our home once, again as part of a larger group.

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs. The nanny has been with them a few years I think. She seems lovely and very competent. Many people assume she is the mum I think, as she comes to all assemblies and music recitals, that kind of thing, as well as doing all schooldrop offs and pick ups. I see her around, at the school and sometimes at the gym.

When DD returned from the sleepover she'd had a lovely time and wants to go again. However, she told me that the nanny's "boyfriend" had been there in the evening. In her words, she "saw them kissing" in the kitchen and the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises". These are DD's words. She says she doesn't think he stayed the night as he wasn't there in the morning. DD's friend has whispered to DD that this man was not really allowed there. The parents are away a lot and I don't think they were there over the weekend.

DH is livid about this. He says he will not have his daughter exposed to this kind of thing and that this nanny could have let any Tom or Harry in and it's not acceptable. He has now gone on a business trip, but wants me to speak to the mother.

I'm not sure it's my business to speak to the mother as I feel as if I know the nanny better on a day to day basis (I might see her at the gym later). Also if it was just kissing, do I need to say or do anything? I also feel that if the mother is happy for the children to live downstairs with the nanny, it's her business to make sure she knows what's going on.

What would you do - a) nothing b) mention something to the nanny or c) go straight to the mother (this is what DH wants me to do, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it).

OP posts:

welovepancakes · 07/03/2017 14:09

From a safeguarding perspective you need to be sure who you are leaving your kids with. You have no idea how well the nanny knows this man. At the very least if he is to be around the children he should be CRB checked

I think that's OTT. My DD goes to lots of playdates / sleepovers. It has never crossed my mind to suggest that the adults in the house should be CRB checked!!

Original poster

ElGatodelCanto · 07/03/2017 14:23

Grey - this nanny goes on holiday with the family too. It's all very different. I think the mother probably presumes I have staff, but I never have at all, except for a cleaner.

DH has only just started allowing DD to go on this kind of overnight thing. He actually dropped her off and went into the apartment to scope it and it was just the DC and the nanny at this time. He is annoyed that he didn't know a man would be present as well, especially one he's never met.

Thankyou for all your comments. The nanny is not in the gym, as it turns out, but I needed a reality check obviously!

OP posts:

Phoebesgift · 07/03/2017 14:41

I wonder what the hell the mother does if she isn't working and only sees her kids for meals and weekends. Wow! Is that a mother?

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2017 15:04

Didnt Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have this sort of arrangements? They bought a row of three houses, he lived in one, she lived in another and the kid lived in the middle one with the nanny iirc.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2017 15:06

*Kids

MiniCooperLover · 07/03/2017 15:28

I thought Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton just had the 2 houses with an interconnecting tunnel as she said he was just too eccentric, I'd never heard anything about another house and nanny.

GreyStars · 07/03/2017 16:23

It's more common than you think, doesn't surprise me the nanny goes on holiday with them.

It is all utterly bonkers to me, and I don't think it's parenting one little bit. The lady in the other setup doesn't work either!

I also know someone who is now an adult who grew up like this, they actually see their nanny as their mother, she was there every day not their mother - they cannot stand their actual mother who makes demands on them as an adult and constantly says what a great mother she is.

It's so very extreme and so very sad imo

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/03/2017 16:30

This is why so many of the ruling classes are fucked up and totally lacking in empathy.

Bakedappleflavour · 07/03/2017 16:32

Original poster

ElGatodelCanto · 07/03/2017 16:35

I have wondered if some of the mothers like this are actually not well in some way - e.g. slightly neurotic. Otherwise I can't imagine how they can live like this. Maybe this is how they grew up so they think it's normal?

DD actually thought the nanny was the mum and the mum and dad upstairs were the grandparents (luckily she only said that to me)!

OP posts:

TeethDrama · 07/03/2017 16:35

It's nothing to do with seeing worse on Tv etc, totally unrelated.

I would speak to the nanny first. Tell her what your dd told you and see how she reacts. If she is apologetic and sees your point then I would leave it there. If she doesn't see the point I would speak to the parents. I would be direct about it too, no "dd felt uncomfortable". Tell her straight what the issue is, politely but firmly. She might be a great nanny but your first responsibility is to your dd, not her. It's inappropriate. Nanny is there and paid to take care of children. No she's not a servant but she is paid staff. If I snogged my boyfriend at work in view of a client it wouldn't go down well, I'm not a servant either but I am paid to do a job.

TeethDrama · 07/03/2017 16:37

And their arrangement with Carey's king isn't the point either. As long as they or competent adult caretaker is in charge and looking after the children. The point is, she wasn't looking after the children then, she was attending to personal business which was inappropriate in nature.

TeethDrama · 07/03/2017 16:38

Carey's king??! Caretaking.

eddiemairswife · 07/03/2017 16:49

But this is how many of the upper classes were brought up in the not so distant past. Even our own beloved Royal Family!!

unfortunateevents · 07/03/2017 17:00

But this is how many of the upper classes were brought up in the not so distant past. Even our own beloved Royal Family!! - and look how well that turned out

MrsTwix · 07/03/2017 17:50

I think it sounds like they were just snogging (perhaps a bit over enthusiastically) and I think your DH is over reacting to be honest.

If your DD wasn't bothered then I don't think you should speak to the parents because as others have said the nanny is effectively the mum in this situation so if she did get sacked those children would be damaged.

DearMrDilkington · 07/03/2017 18:02

Those poor children.
Their little hearts must break when they see everyone else's proud parents at sporting events and parents evening.

I'd have no issue with the nanny and boyfriend, unless they were shagging in the kitchen!

Original poster

ElGatodelCanto · 07/03/2017 18:53

Teeth - I will talk to the nanny and thank her for having DD and say something along the lines that I didn't realise her boyfriend lived with them as well, gauge her reaction and go from there. I can't go to the mother at this point, so DH will have to get over it. Hopefully he'll be ok after I've spoken to the nanny.

OP posts:

Elendon · 07/03/2017 19:15

Your partner sounds controlling with regards to women. Children understand their parents have sex. Are you and your partner not affectionate towards each other?

Elendon · 07/03/2017 19:17

Posted too soon.

Are you not affectionate towards each other in front of the children?

And why do you have to deal with this? If he is the one who is upset then he makes the time in his busy schedule to talk to the nanny.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/03/2017 19:19

who knows who comes in and out of that apartment?

Does your DH have a horrible attitude about all women or just women he perceives as being of a lower social strata? He's basically just accused the nanny of putting her charges' in harms way. It's very Victorian - and I don't just mean the upstairs/downstairs thing of the other DCs.

MerryMarigold · 07/03/2017 19:25

Lonny, exactly! That's what I was trying to say earlier. Who knows who anyone 'lets in and out of their house'? I think I'd trust my DC much more with the nanny than the actual parents tbh. I assume dh wouldn't have had a problem if they were upstairs and the parents had a male friend over, who was there when they went to sleep, but not there in the morning. Very normal.

MerryMarigold · 07/03/2017 19:29

Also, OP, I think you need to try and understand what your dh's problem is:

a. Is he worried that the random man was a potential abuser and could have abused your dd?
b. Is he worried that the snogging damaged your dd in some way?
c. Is he worried that when the nanny was in the same room as the kids, but not actually paying attention to their every movement (being distracted by a bit of a kiss) whilst the kids were watching a film, that they were neglected or could have got into some mischief which would have hurt them.

I am not sure what your dh's problem is. But I do agree he sounds very controlling, not sure if it's just with regard to women or just in general, but I can't imagine taking what he said very well (I am not good with controlling people) which is a good gauge for me.

PeaFaceMcgee · 07/03/2017 19:31

the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises

Does she know about sex? People don't usually make 'loud noises' when they're just snogging. And wouldn't the DD have just said they were kissing? The boyfriend wasn't meant to be there according to the charge... I'm with your DH. Totally unacceptable and at least dodgy behaviour. The mother needs to be emailed.

itsmine · 07/03/2017 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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