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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children in the basement and the nanny's boyfriend!

211 replies

ElGatodelCanto · 07/03/2017 09:50

Sorry I had to name change, but would very much appreciate any perspectives on WWYD in this situation.

DD went to a sleepover at a school friend's on Saturday. DH and I have met the parents a few times - they had a drinks party at their house a few months ago and we've been as part of a larger group for dinner there. They have been to our home once, again as part of a larger group.

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs. The nanny has been with them a few years I think. She seems lovely and very competent. Many people assume she is the mum I think, as she comes to all assemblies and music recitals, that kind of thing, as well as doing all schooldrop offs and pick ups. I see her around, at the school and sometimes at the gym.

When DD returned from the sleepover she'd had a lovely time and wants to go again. However, she told me that the nanny's "boyfriend" had been there in the evening. In her words, she "saw them kissing" in the kitchen and the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises". These are DD's words. She says she doesn't think he stayed the night as he wasn't there in the morning. DD's friend has whispered to DD that this man was not really allowed there. The parents are away a lot and I don't think they were there over the weekend.

DH is livid about this. He says he will not have his daughter exposed to this kind of thing and that this nanny could have let any Tom or Harry in and it's not acceptable. He has now gone on a business trip, but wants me to speak to the mother.

I'm not sure it's my business to speak to the mother as I feel as if I know the nanny better on a day to day basis (I might see her at the gym later). Also if it was just kissing, do I need to say or do anything? I also feel that if the mother is happy for the children to live downstairs with the nanny, it's her business to make sure she knows what's going on.

What would you do - a) nothing b) mention something to the nanny or c) go straight to the mother (this is what DH wants me to do, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it).

OP posts:
upthegardenpath · 07/03/2017 10:30

I'm questioning whether the nanny really is that competent OP.
If she is in charge of the DC, and additionally other people's DC on a sleepover, she she absolutely not be having men over and doing what she did, particularly if there was a risk of being seen by the DC!!!
Outrageous and totally inappropriate behaviour.
We all have sex and canoodle with our partners ffs, but as responsible adults we don't behave sexually (whatever it was they were actually doing in the kitchen) in front of children. Ever.
I'm not surprised your DH was livid.
Lack of boundaries!
I would never send my DC to their house again, on the strength of this.

Birdsgottaf1y · 07/03/2017 10:35

I would normally say to speak to the Parents, because there may be a good reason why the BF isn't approved of.

However this situation is bizarre and unusual to the UK. If I ask are they from the UK, there's going to be a backlash, but 'staff' and child rearing differs in other parts of the World.

So speak to the Nanny, first. I was married when I had sleep overs, at ours and I'd limit sexual activity. It isn't an unreasonable request, to kee it out of sight from the children.

Original poster
ElGatodelCanto · 07/03/2017 10:35

DH is away until Thu night. God knows how he would speak to the other father anyway as he's probably overseas.
If I see the nanny later, I'll thank her for having DD and try and mention it somehow. If not I may see her at parents evening tomorrow.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 07/03/2017 10:35

Very odd by my standards, but I imagine the parents are pretty comfortably off to afford a nanny, who apparently does a large part of the general child care.
I'm assuming, by basement ,you don't mean some sort of Dickensian doss house, and that it is fit for purpose, and possibly done out like a small flat. But, if the children of the house know the nanny shouldn't have any men there, then she's expecting them to lie by omission to their DP....which is all wrong!
I think I'd speak to the nanny, saying....look I don't know if you're aware that the DC in your care know you have men in the premises at night. But, I wasn't too happy with my DC being there in those circumstances, so perhaps you might want to ask your employers if they're OK with it, or if you know they're not, maybe you should not be doing it! Don't threaten to grass her up, just leave it at that!

JsOtherHalf · 07/03/2017 10:35

If you tell the parents and she is actually let go, then the children she cares for will lose their main care giver - the one who attends school events, whom they live with Monday - Friday, etc.

The children are primary school age - I wouldn't cause them that grief and upset.

Birdsgottaf1y · 07/03/2017 10:37

Today 10:29 Aderyn2016

""So basically, the parents have abdicated all responsibility for their kids to the nanny?
They are not really in a position to judge what is appropriate or not.""

So children at boarding school can watch their teachers going for it?

BarbarianMum · 07/03/2017 10:38

Teachers at boarding school get some evenings and weekends off and don't actually live in with the kids, do they?

unfortunateevents · 07/03/2017 10:39

So it was a Saturday night and the nanny was still working and responsible for a gaggle of 9 year olds? I wonder if she was given any choice about the sleepover? What she did was wrong but it could well be that she is working almost 24/7 and is given little choice about whether these things happen or not. I wouldn't speak to the parents as I think either they will fire her (they sound like the sort who treat "help" as disposable) or they will realise what a good thing they are on to and keep her on but there will be very bad feeling and she will never be allowed to have anyone over again.

I would however speak to the nanny, tell her that you were unhappy and that if your DD is invited to sleepovers in future she can only attend if there are no other adults there, male or female.

Orangebird69 · 07/03/2017 10:40

I'll ask the same question as a pp has, as it hasn't been answered - if it were the parents kissing rather than the Nanny and her bf, would it be such an outrage?

BrutusMcDogface · 07/03/2017 10:40

What a strange set up!

What is the point of having kids if you're only going to invite them to your home for dinner on weekends?! Ffs.

I would maybe have a gentle word with the nanny. I'm assuming that she didn't know she had 9 year old peeping toms!!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/03/2017 10:42

If they were just kissing then your DH is massively over reacting. So what i he stayed over? Unless they were shagging in the same room as the kids what's the big deal - is it any different than say the parents having a shag and it sounds like this living arrangement is the nanny being a parent. Seriously, this is no big deal but if you feel that strongly just don't let her stay there again but definitely don't say anything, you will sound bonkers.

MerryMarigold · 07/03/2017 10:46

but DH is saying of course this guy stayed the night and probably does so all the time and I'm being naive.

The nanny has a life. Why shouldn't she? I think the parents probably know but turn a blind eye.

I think what needs to be thought of here is the children whose nanny it is;

  • Is it doing them harm? Even if he stays over). Plenty of kids live in houses with older siblings who have boyfriends/ girlfriends staying over.
  • What kind of harm would it do those children if their nanny gets into trouble or is not happy because allowed a boyfriend? Perhaps she will leave, perhaps she will feel unhappy.
  • Is it doing them harm to lie? (This is the only one I am unsure about). Are they lying if they don't say anything? (Lying by omission).
Original poster
ElGatodelCanto · 07/03/2017 10:47

The nanny had organised the sleepover and I doubt the parents were even aware of it ( though I'mnot sure). DF has been on play dates there before, but never in the main house.
DH says it's a ridiculous set up and DD is not going there again and there are ways to behave and this is not it. He doesn't know the nanny though and yes, if it were the parents kissing, would I be judging that?

OP posts:
AgitatedGuava · 07/03/2017 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unfortunateevents · 07/03/2017 10:48

I do think it's different to the parents kissing or even shagging! The OP has met both parents, been to their home for dinner etc. so has presumably made a specific choice to allow her DD to go to the sleepover. Nanny's BF is probably lovely, but a completely unknown quantity, and the DD's statement that he is probably not allowed to be there anyway would worry me (not that I think he must therefore be a problem) but just that the parents - whom the OP presumably assumed would be at least present at the weekend - know little or nothing about him.

Ferrisday · 07/03/2017 10:50

I think in this situation the nanny is more responsible for the children. You could say no more sleepovers unless the parents are there, but the kids would probably be with the nanny anyway.
She can't be banned from having her boyfriend over if she's live-in.
It's just the same as if 2 parents were snogging, nothing you could do about that.

I might have a quiet word with the nanny, but she's done nothing wrong.
Your DH needs to understand this

Primaryteach87 · 07/03/2017 10:50

I personally don't see an issue. I feel for the kids (and the nanny actually!) but wouldn't care if it was an older sister and her boyfriend..

MerryMarigold · 07/03/2017 10:51

I also think your dh is quite paranoid. Was he abused? He is judging this nanny as a 'nanny'/ hired help rather than a person. If your DD went for a sleepover with a friend whose mum had a boyfriend but they weren't married, would he feel the same? Or really is it just about her 'nanny status'.

tigerrun · 07/03/2017 10:53

As the nanny is bringing up the kids, presumably the actual parents can't be arsed then it is the nanny you need to speak to surely. Plus if they were just kissing then a discrete mention of it would probably be enough to make her aware and probably mortified.

If you did tell the mother you would just cause trouble plus if that nanny is the only source of stability for those kids (who are going to be all kinds of fucked up anyway if their parents have them that low on the list of priorities) then it would cause much wider issues if she gets sacked.

AgitatedGuava · 07/03/2017 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/03/2017 10:59

Were they openly kissing or did your DD walk in on them when she was getting a drink or something? That makes a difference I think.

But really, any Mum your kids have a sleepover with could have a random boyfriend over that you have never met. I tend to be really strict about sleepovers unless I have got a pretty feel for the parents. I do think 9 is a bit young for this sort of arrangement, but I'm aware I'm probably in a minority in this.

FV45 · 07/03/2017 10:59

I don't get the issue.

When our kids go to sleepovers, do we always know every adult who is in the building? If my son has a friend over, should I inform his parents that my brother, or neighbour, or Nobby Clark from up the road is coming round as well? Surely, when you send your children to someone else's house you are trusting the parents/nanny/adult to take care of them.

Snogging infront of primary aged kids? So what?

Viviennemary · 07/03/2017 11:00

I don't think I would speak to the nanny. If I spoke to anyone it would be the mother. It sounds as if the nanny's boyfriend isn't even allowed in the house if the child is to be believed and I can't see any reason why the child lied. I'd say something like did you know that nanny's boyfriend was there during the sleepover and say what the mother says to that.

I certainly wouldn't just ignore it. The Nanny is at work in the house so should be behaving in a responsible professional manner which she certainly didn't.

SaucyJack · 07/03/2017 11:00

I think it's fair enough not to let your DD go again. I wouldn't send my kids off anywhere to stay anywhere I didn't know or trust the adults who'd actually be present or caring for them either at that age.

But I don't think the Nanny has done anything wrong in having a quick snog in her kitchen when the kids were supposed to be in another room. It's her home. Adults kiss. Meh.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/03/2017 11:02

Actually, rereading your post, who makes loud noises when they are kissing. It sounds quite passionate. Can you be sure they were just kissing? Because a thrillseeking quickie in the kitchen with a gang of little girls in the flat would be massively inappropriate.