Children in the basement and the nanny's boyfriend!

[ElGatodelCanto]

Sorry I had to name change, but would very much appreciate any perspectives on WWYD in this situation.

DD went to a sleepover at a school friend's on Saturday. DH and I have met the parents a few times - they had a drinks party at their house a few months ago and we've been as part of a larger group for dinner there. They have been to our home once, again as part of a larger group.

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs. The nanny has been with them a few years I think. She seems lovely and very competent. Many people assume she is the mum I think, as she comes to all assemblies and music recitals, that kind of thing, as well as doing all schooldrop offs and pick ups. I see her around, at the school and sometimes at the gym.

When DD returned from the sleepover she'd had a lovely time and wants to go again. However, she told me that the nanny's "boyfriend" had been there in the evening. In her words, she "saw them kissing" in the kitchen and the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises". These are DD's words. She says she doesn't think he stayed the night as he wasn't there in the morning. DD's friend has whispered to DD that this man was not really allowed there. The parents are away a lot and I don't think they were there over the weekend.

DH is livid about this. He says he will not have his daughter exposed to this kind of thing and that this nanny could have let any Tom or Harry in and it's not acceptable. He has now gone on a business trip, but wants me to speak to the mother.

I'm not sure it's my business to speak to the mother as I feel as if I know the nanny better on a day to day basis (I might see her at the gym later). Also if it was just kissing, do I need to say or do anything? I also feel that if the mother is happy for the children to live downstairs with the nanny, it's her business to make sure she knows what's going on.

What would you do - a) nothing b) mention something to the nanny or c) go straight to the mother (this is what DH wants me to do, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it).

[JustSpeakSense]

I would arrange to meet nanny for a coffee, explain what DD has said and that you and DH are concerned. If she responds in a sensible manner I would leave it with her and trust that she will correct her behaviour in the future.

If you are uncomfortable with her response then take it to the mother.

I would be very reluctant to rock the boat here, as nanny is practically a mother to the children, if there is a fallout and they lose her, it could affect the children terribly (and I wouldn't want to be instrumental in that happening) also, at the end of the day it was a kiss in the kitchen, which didn't really affect your DD.

I find it very sad that the DM stays at home, while nanny is raising her DC next door in nanny's quarters.

[humourless]

The parents live upstairs?

Did your daughter have asleep over in 1880?

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I read somewhere that Bob Geldof and his girls had this sort of arrangement. Maybe it is quite common among the very wealthy.

[BarbarianMum]

Yes they did Tinkly and that hadn't exactly sold it to me as an example of exemplary parenting either.

[StickyMouse]

the whole set up sounds awful, I really feel for the DC, how old are they?

The Nanny knows that she isn't allowed her boyfriend around because she is basically parenting the DC yet she chose to break the rules and have him over? I would mention it lightly to the Nanny, I would also ask the Nanny if she is happy with the set up, does she get time off?

I wouldn't allow my DC to stay over again, the parents sound very absent from their childrens lives.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

That's a bloody odd set up.

I agree, have a word with the nanny. To all intents and purposes she is the child's parent as the bio parents seem to have abdicated all responsibility. If she was the child's mother you would go and speak to her and take it from there.

I think you dh needs to calm down. They were hardly going at it like knives against the Formica.

[milliemolliemou]

Barbarian - off topic but boarding schools do have live-in adults - poss a house master/mistress and their spouse and certainly a matron and sometimes young teachers. There would be strict rules about girlfriends/boyfriends visiting (along the lines of not on premises). However this nanny seems to be pretty well 24/7 all year round and often in sole charge. V unusual. What do the parents do for statutory days off and leave? I hope they're paying her a fortune and her NI and pension. I second other PPs - talk to the nanny first, then the parents if you see fit.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I'd talk to the nanny. Poor girl can't be expected to be abstinent if he's not allowed over and she is living with the kids 24/7 but there's a time and a place.

I just can't fathom why these people had kids!

[PenelopeFlintstone]

I think calm down and leave the nanny alone. I also ask whether it would be an issue if it were the patents kissing. Would you then arrange to go and talk to one of them about it?

[BarbarianMum]

millie yes but housemasters/mistresses have their own rooms and time off in which to have a private life. They don't just get told - here's your room, these are the kids, no snogging your wife til July.

[munchkinmaster]

Set up aside. I think the closest analogy would be daughter going to sleepover at single mum's who you know and trust and then coming home talking about the mum's boyfriend who you know nothing about being there too. I'm not sure I'd be okay about that

[alltouchedout]

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs.
That bothers me. Nothing else you've mentioned does.

[BarbarianMum]

Oh and if they're not allowed a boyfriend/ girlfriend into their rooms fair enough, they get time off to go elsewhere, unlike this nanny. Or is she expected to hire a babysitter?

[Iris65]

I would speak to the Nanny and say that you're not comfortable with your DC being in that situation an adult male who you do not know.
I'm assuming that if it had been Dad kissing Mum you might feel differently?

[ijustwannadance]

I wouldn't involve the parents. I wouldn't want the nanny to be sacked for having a bloody boyfriend. It would also take away the one person who seems to actually be parenting them.

Absolutely bloody bizarre that they don't live in the main house with their parents. I can understand nanny having the flat below but not the kids living with her.

[BeMorePanda]

all a bit weird.

But the nanny should not be having her BF over when she has other children for sleepover - it's really not difficult to know this. If the parents are OK with her having BF there when she just has their DC that is their business - though it seems that she is not allowed this if the DC are having to lie about it.

What a fucked up situation - I have 9yo DD and she would not be staying there again.

I would have a word with the nanny.

[fairweathercyclist]

What I am struggling with here is this:

It's ok for an unmarried parent to have their boy or girlfriend over and be seen kissing.

But not for a 24/7 nanny who more or less has parental responsibility.

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

Set up sounds a bit weird...
Anyway, the squashed up against the wall & making noises doesn't sound like just kissing to me sorry, I would mention it to the nanny definitely as if it was more than that is massively inappropriate

[heron98]

so they were kissing? big deal. I don't think this is anything to be upset by.

[munchkinmaster]

That's what I'm trying to say. I wouldn't be okay with leaving my kids with a single mum for a sleepover if then her previously unknown boyfriend turned up. That's not the same as 2 parents you've met kissing.

[LostSight]

As someone whose husband has form for asking me to have difficult conversations about things he is bothered about and I am not, I personally would not opt for a, b or c, but would go for

d) Actually, I'm not going to say anything, but feel free to take it up with whomever you wish.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Some posters have referred to the nanny having 'men' in the flat. If OP does speak to her, 'male friend' or 'boyfriend' would be better, men suggests it's random one night stands.
FWIW I think OP should mention what DD said, especially that her friend said the bf shouldn't be there.

[oleoleoleole]

As a nanny I would say speak to the mother.

Firstly I think if she's been invited for a sleepover you would expect at least one parent to be there unless you're told otherwise.

Clearly the nanny is overstepping boundaries having bf there when she is working. If the parents have forbidden this they need to know it's happening. Nanny is encouraging children to keep secrets, absolutely against good practice and safeguarding training!

I would ring mum up, say thanks for having DC for sleepover but you're concerned at what she witnessed and as her daughter said bf wasn't allowed there you think she ought to know.

At the end of the day the nanny is employed to do a job and she's compromising her position and IMO taking the piss!

[DJBaggySmalls]

I feel like I've gone back in time. The children live in the basement with Nanny who has to live like a freaking Nun.

[ohtheholidays]

The set up sounds very odd but the Nanny sounds amazing and the fact that she does everything a Mother would be doing for her DC including the sleep overs I should imagine the children feel very lucky to have her.

I do understand your DH being worried it's not what most parents would consider normal in 2017 for the children to be living with they're Nanny and then with what your DD has said and the fact that your DH doesn't have the relationship with the Nanny that you do and doesn't know her boyfriend of course he'd be worried!

But you know the Nanny and from what you've said she sounds like a good person and I'd speak to her,just let her know what the girls saw and heard,I'm sure she'll be mortified and she'll be more careful in the future.