Children in the basement and the nanny's boyfriend!

[ElGatodelCanto]

Sorry I had to name change, but would very much appreciate any perspectives on WWYD in this situation.

DD went to a sleepover at a school friend's on Saturday. DH and I have met the parents a few times - they had a drinks party at their house a few months ago and we've been as part of a larger group for dinner there. They have been to our home once, again as part of a larger group.

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs. The nanny has been with them a few years I think. She seems lovely and very competent. Many people assume she is the mum I think, as she comes to all assemblies and music recitals, that kind of thing, as well as doing all schooldrop offs and pick ups. I see her around, at the school and sometimes at the gym.

When DD returned from the sleepover she'd had a lovely time and wants to go again. However, she told me that the nanny's "boyfriend" had been there in the evening. In her words, she "saw them kissing" in the kitchen and the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises". These are DD's words. She says she doesn't think he stayed the night as he wasn't there in the morning. DD's friend has whispered to DD that this man was not really allowed there. The parents are away a lot and I don't think they were there over the weekend.

DH is livid about this. He says he will not have his daughter exposed to this kind of thing and that this nanny could have let any Tom or Harry in and it's not acceptable. He has now gone on a business trip, but wants me to speak to the mother.

I'm not sure it's my business to speak to the mother as I feel as if I know the nanny better on a day to day basis (I might see her at the gym later). Also if it was just kissing, do I need to say or do anything? I also feel that if the mother is happy for the children to live downstairs with the nanny, it's her business to make sure she knows what's going on.

What would you do - a) nothing b) mention something to the nanny or c) go straight to the mother (this is what DH wants me to do, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it).

[icanteven]

Stopandlook

Did you know the parents wouldn't be there when you agreed?

The parents are never there. The children are in the sole care of their nanny, and do not live with their parents, so the OP would not have expected the parents to be there.

[AnyFucker]

Do you always do your husband's dirty work for him ?

[MuseumOfCurry]

I don't understand getting upset at children observing a kiss, even a passionate one.

That said, these parents sound derelict and I'd arrange all future playdates at your house.

[ElGatodelCanto]

To be honest, thank god DH is not here this week as he can tend to go in with both feet and I don't think it's particularly helpful in most situations. Also tomorrow is parents evening so I'm kind of relieved he's not coming in case the other father shows his face (slim chance, but you never know).
I just said I would deal with it, but DH will be fully expecting me to have emailed or something by now as it's Tuesday.

[Lunde]

Sorry but if your DH is getting irate about your 9 year old seeing a couple snogging I think tht he is in for some tough years ahead. Would he also object if your dd saw sleepover parents snogging? Feel sorry for the nanny

[Rangirl]

Haven't RTFT but I don't think I would say anything While its not ideal whats done is done.If my husband wanted to say /do anything I would leave it up to him to do that,not being his servant
I wouldn't let my DD stay there again unless I knew the parents would be there

Although TBFI might not be the best judge as I would not let my kids go to sleepovers at primary school stage unless it was a very close family friend

[icanteven]

ElGatodelCanto I understand. I think it's more inappropriate as it was during a time when the children were awake and pooching around (at least, my two are always up and wandering off for a wee/snack/hug/trouble when they're allegedly watching a movie.

I would edit my text above to include that element then.

[Topuptheglass]

You're in Britain but the family are Russian?

An Oligarch is a person in Russian Government (in my limited knowledge)

[CatCafe]

I wouldn't say anything. They were obviously having a quick kiss in a different room and didn't think they would be seen. Does everyone who thinks it's inappropriate wait till their children are asleep to show any affection towards their partner?

I have a seven year old and DP and I aren't all over each other in front of him but we don't refrain from kissing etc if we have a few minutes in private.

[EssentialHummus]

An oligarch is simply someone very wealthy with some political clout. This kind of "upstairs downstairs" arrangement is not unknown among very wealthy Russians, though this sounds like an extreme version. I'm now dying to know where you live and have decided it's Knightbridge .

[brasty]

I think your DH is being OTT.
Also having come across situations like this before where the nanny is basically raising the kids, I would never say anything negative to the parents about the nanny unless it was really concerning. In such a situation, a nanny being fired for minor misdemeanors, can have a disastrously negative impact on the children, as they basically lose their main carer.

[IamFriedSpam]

Bloody hell your kids probably see worse in the local park! Would your DH be so irate if it'd been the parents kissing? If he's so bothered why did he leave it to you to email? I would do nothing personally.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

You either trust the nanny or you don't - the fact she's paid to look after the children in her care is neither here nor their, she isn't paid to look after your children.

So either you trust her as a responsible person with sound judgement who is entitled to have her BF in her flat, or you don't.

If you don't trust her, don't send your DC there again.

I bet they weren't making noises up against the wall either. 9 yos can either be all giggles or all 'eugh' about grown-ups kissing and will have talked this up amongst themselves.

[eddiemairswife]

Oligarch, as applied to the Russians, now seems to mean a very, very, rich businessman who has considerable influence, while not being a member of the government

[Orangetoffee]

Your husband is expecting you to have dealt with his problem by now, what are you, his secretary?

Talk to the nanny to find out what really happened and take it from there, it really doesn't sound like a big deal to me.

[ElGatodelCanto]

Essential - you are in the correct environs generally. We know some Middle Eastern parents a bit like this too.

I am prepared to accept DH is being OTT and I definitely don't want the nanny fired as she is the mainstay really. She even does the Suzuki violin with DD's friend. She must think the set up is odd, but she never gives that away. I don't know what she has to deal with. This is what DH doesn't grasp fully, I think.

[SpareASquare]

OMG! Your dd was exposed to..............kissing?

Hope she's ok

[LeninaCrowne]

I feel sorry for the nanny.

Basically, she must very little private time to herself on evenings or weekends. Little time to be out enjoying herself with friends of the same age.

I agree that you could take it up quietly with the nanny, but to go in all guns blazing, like your husband wants, could mean she lose her job. or worse. I can't imagine its a bed of roses working for rich oligarch types.

[FV45]

I think your DH's reaction is the most odd thing about this whole thing.

Tell him to sort it out.

[Twistmeandturnme]

In this case the Nanny is the primary care giver, and the parental figure you know. You were happy enough for your DD to stay there under those circumstances
Would you let your DD go for a sleepover on the basis of knowing a Mum and then be affronted if a Dad turned up at the house too? This is pretty much the same thing.
It depends on how much kissing was going on of course ( and the children's response to it will be entirely dependent on how the parents handle their relationship in front of the DCs) but whether or not the boyfriend is in the house is an issue for the employer, not you.
There's no evidence that you have any concerns about your DDs welfare at all, so what is the issue?

[ElGatodelCanto]

I think DH got carried away probably because he thinks it's an odd set up anyway and when DD said the nanny was squashed against the wall, he didn't like her saying that. He is convinced the boyfriend stays all night and leaves early. He said he is not casting aspersions, but who knows who comes in and out of that apartment. I said we can't put 2 and 2 together and make 10.

[OwletscanClimb]

i also think, if your DH got that nanny fired, the children would be hugely worse off, the nanny seems to be their main stability.

[CatCafe]

Also, if your DH still has his knickers in a twist about it, tell him to say something. Why should you be the one to bring it up if he's the one who has a problem with it?

[GreyStars]

I've seen worse on C5 and before 9pm too.

It's a massive over reaction by your husband, especially if your DD isn't bothered by it.

Is it because your husband is looking at this nanny as just the hired help? I know technically she is but sounds like she is more like a parent and the only constant in the children's lives

As for money, sorry if derail but I find it bizzare. I've always wondered the exact amount but I would imagine around the £70k amount plus house and expenses, maybe even more if they are doing teaching after school hours.

We have a nanny who does a day for us occasionally she charges a fortune but she works for a family and is pretty much on call 24/7. She goes on holiday with them, family visits (to his parents) the actual parents never look after the children. They don't even spend time with them at the weekend.

They will look after them one night a month alone, after the kids are in bed! Then one weekend a month they go to the grandparents. They are just never alone with their children, it's just so sad to me.

I don't normally judge but honestly I can't help myself on this as I do not understand why people like this have children (my judgment might be blinkered as I am desperate to have a child, mine are actually my stepchildren even though we live together and I am mum to them) but why have a child, if you never see it.

The most bizarre thing to me is that they had one and the second was planned as it was discussed with the nanny. they had a night nurse and baby was bottle fed, just out he came and over to the nanny.

Why!!!! surely in this case a pet rock would be better