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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move abroad to have a baby?

197 replies

leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 12:39

It's probably madness, but here goes.

I am single. I have always wanted to be a parent but that elusive One keeps evading me.

My parents are dead. My mother died when I was 16 (cancer) and my dad died 3 years ago (heart attack Sad

I have NO support, therefore, and that's the thing I keep hearing.

I have very good friends but the ones I know I could rely on for support if shit really did come to shite are abroad. They have been pressurising me mercilessly suggesting I also move.

Pros - it's a beautiful place, cheap to live, very friendly, my friends Gin
Cons - my home is here, my job is here (opportunities for my line of work are few and far between there: I can do something related ish but not as much money.)

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Tobuyornot99 · 04/03/2017 12:42

Are you pregnant now?

araiwa · 04/03/2017 12:43

what does going abroad have to do with having a baby?

WaegukSaram · 04/03/2017 12:45

Lower cost of living does help with small children, I moved abroad to start a family, because I was living in London and would never have been able to afford childcare.

How much support are your friends likely to give? Would you be able to support yourself if everything went tits up?

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 12:46

No, I'm not pregnant.

what does going abroad have to do with having a baby

The fact that I've got people to help me abroad, but I haven't here. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

OP posts:
Tobuyornot99 · 04/03/2017 12:48

But wouldn't meeting "the One" whilst living in the UK mean you'd have support, or are you hoping to meet him abroad?
I would be wary of packing up my life on the say so of a few friends, no matter how great, you could fall out / they could get wrapped dup in career or own kids and not be much help etc etc.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/03/2017 12:48

Your friends that live abroad - what are your expectations of them if you did move to be near them?

Have you discussed with your friends how they would feel about you moving over there and them being responsible for helping you if you needed it? Financially, emotionally, physically being there to take care of the child etc.

Chinnygirl · 04/03/2017 12:50

It really depends on which country. The Netherlands where you can easily get a job because everyone speaks english or Syria where the houses are reallt cheap.

MatildaTheCat · 04/03/2017 12:51

It really depends on whether you can actually support yourself and child in the new country. Would you be eligible for health care or any other benefits? Educational opportunities for your child and the safety of the place all matter hugely.

Do your friends have young families? Could you go for a few months and evaluate the practicalities? I have to say it sounds risky but that's just me. We all have varying attitudes to these things.

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2017 12:53

Who are you going to plan a baby with?

blueskyinmarch · 04/03/2017 12:53

I seem to be missing something. You have no partner and are not yet pregnant. Are you planning donor insemination? You are going to need money for that I assume? It doesn't seem to be a very well thought out plan to move to where you may not get a decently paid job and with no guarantee of a baby either.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 04/03/2017 12:53

I'm not sure where this baby is coming from, but unless your friends have kids too they very likely won't be there to help. Even if they have kids they'll probably be too busy with their own families.

If you want to travel then go for it but I really don't think it can have anything much to do with having a baby, unless you can get cheap IVF with donor sperm there too?

Heirhelp · 04/03/2017 12:54

You would need to factor in the ability to get a job, maternity rights and pays, the cost of health care especially when having a baby, the standard/cost of education and the availability of childcare.

EweAreHere · 04/03/2017 12:54

It depends where they live and will you be able to work and afford childcare, because you certainly won't be entitled to benefits if you move to another country solely to have a baby and stay at home, and you shouldn't be.

That said, you only get one chance at life. If you really want to have a baby, and believe you'll work hard to be a great parent, then I'd say go for it if you can and want to. A support network would make that even better for you, but make sure that will truly be in place before you move.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 12:54

Tobuy - realistically, meeting The One ain't gonna happen now Grin I'm a bit old and ugly to be swept off my feet. No, I meant having a baby as a single parent.

Yes, health care and so on all fine. Lovely safe place.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I would envision dumping the child on either friend for hours at a time, but in an absolute emergency (for example, if I had to go to hospital) they would help.

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 12:55

Ewe, does every thread have to turn into benefit bashing?

I mentioned work. I would NOT be claiming benefits, regardless of where I lived.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/03/2017 12:56

But where will the sperm come from?

OrangeJulius · 04/03/2017 12:56

On the face of it, go for it. I am absolutely struggling mentally at the moment, its just me and Dh and our baby. We moved to a place where we knew no one when I was pregnant, I so wish I had some friends or family close by.

araiwa · 04/03/2017 12:57

you seem a bit of a mess

i'd take some time to think through things yourself

but moving abroad seems a bit weird and desperate

you dont give any details about where you would go but consider family laws in this country, what will you do for money/ job, im sure your friends are nice but i doubt they want to be seen as your childcarer, do they have kids? or will you be sat at home with baby while they all go out. where is this father gonna appear from?

murdershewrote · 04/03/2017 12:58

It is possible to build up a support network here, though it is hard. I am single parent to two, no family support but have worked very hard at making friends with other mums with kids and offered to do bit of child care for them and they they have reciprocated, for things like hospital appointments or emergencies etc. I would be wary of moving your whole life particularly if it would make working more difficult

greenthings · 04/03/2017 12:58

Personally I think London is a hard, stressful place to bring up a child on your own. I speak from experience - at least unless you have good health, money and support.

blueskyinmarch · 04/03/2017 12:58

I think a good plan might be to find a job near your friends and move there. Enjoy your life. I know wanting a a baby can become all consuming but it isn't everything and it can be difficult as a single parent. If after a year in your new life you still want that baby then go for donor insemination? Who knows you might even meet someone in that time.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:00

A man, Worra.

I'm not sure what I've said that makes me sound a bit of a mess!

The move isn't just about having a baby but realistically, if I stay here, and I need to go into hospital, the child would need to go to foster care: that's one example of many.

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:00

I don't live in London at the moment, by the way!

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 04/03/2017 13:00

It's not benefit bashing, it's just pointing out that stuff you can rely on getting if you are in need here, will not be available if you go elsewhere.
I know you intend to work but babies throw a lot of unforeseen variables into the mix. You may have a difficult pg or birth and be unable to work, your child may have additional needs that impact ability to work. You can never say for sure.

sonjadog · 04/03/2017 13:00

I would say move over there as a trial and then after a year or so, think about having a baby if that is what you want. Living in another country is challenging enough without the extra pressures of having a new baby.

Also, your friends may be really keen when it is a theoretical prospect, but when presented with the reality, they may act differently. So you should be prepared to be completely on your own with your baby at all times.