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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move abroad to have a baby?

197 replies

leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 12:39

It's probably madness, but here goes.

I am single. I have always wanted to be a parent but that elusive One keeps evading me.

My parents are dead. My mother died when I was 16 (cancer) and my dad died 3 years ago (heart attack Sad

I have NO support, therefore, and that's the thing I keep hearing.

I have very good friends but the ones I know I could rely on for support if shit really did come to shite are abroad. They have been pressurising me mercilessly suggesting I also move.

Pros - it's a beautiful place, cheap to live, very friendly, my friends Gin
Cons - my home is here, my job is here (opportunities for my line of work are few and far between there: I can do something related ish but not as much money.)

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 04/03/2017 17:02

This is random but.. how do you feel about healthcare in the U.K.? I really trust the NHS and have always had good care for myself and my children. Especially my births. I'm not sure I would 'trust' another country with my health or my children's. Does that make sense?

Reason I ask is would you feel happy with your child receiving treatment/advice etc from another country?

Not sure I've worded that well but the excellent healthcare we receive in this country is one of the reasons I would never leave!

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 17:03

I've not had such brilliant experiences myself Waitrose but healthcare is excellent in the country I, thinking of going to. Glad you had positive experiences, though :)

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 04/03/2017 17:08

I'm sorry to hear that!

Where are you thinking of going to? I am hurting being nosey Blush

WaitrosePigeon · 04/03/2017 17:08

I am hurting? I am just being nosey that should be!

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 17:09

I sound ridiculous but I'm a bit paranoid on here. The thing is, I'll have to ask my employer for a reference and if I say where to she will put two and two together and I KNOW she's a Mumsnetter Grin

OP posts:
Whosafraidofabigduckfart · 04/03/2017 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 17:09

I knew what you meant!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/03/2017 17:14

I think you've posted about this several times, haven't you?

I would move to be near the friends I loved the most, given the choice.

I think my problem with your situation is that you could never talk to your child about their dad or their dad's relatives. I just don't think it's fair to have a child in those circumstances.

I know you've said on each thread that you're ugly - it must be horrible to feel that way and I wonder whether you could use some of the money you have to change whatever it is that you hate about yourself. Once you gain confidence in the way you look, you might find it easier to meet someone you really like.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 17:17

No, Imperial Confused

I only started thinking about moving last month and late last month at that!

OP posts:
Lessthanaballpark · 04/03/2017 17:22

I would go for it because it's obvious that this is what you want to do.

As long as you're ok financially then why not. You can build up a support network post baby and it sounds like you prefer the country to the UK.

ApplePaltrow21 · 04/03/2017 17:36

Oh, dear! It's about whether moving abroad for some of the potential benefits (friendships and support) outweigh some drawbacks!

how could people know whether they outweigh the drawbacks if the drawbacks are mainly financial and they don't know what they are? serious question: am i crazy? is this a really difficult concept to understand?

Now, at the risk of more accusations about my 'defensiveness' - financially I am stable. My parents left me money (by the way, Apple, my dad wasn't "shit" but he was very lonely and prioritised relationships over his children, which statistically many widowed men do - look at the number of children who go into care following the death of the mother compared to the death of the father) and I invested it. I also am trained in something which never goes out of style, to paraphrase Taylor Swift and I have a (very small!) business I can always generate a (small!) income from.

this isn't being defensive - this is useful information that would have been really helpful at the beginning of the thread! if you'd just said you were financially stable and the finances weren't an issue, no one would have raised them.

Having had a little search I have the impression Apple disapproves of single parents generally.

there it is! the defensiveness is back! i absolutely hate you for being a single mom and you have to go eat worms! Except... I (like many people) prioritize financially planning for a child so (despite your unrelenting defensiveness) am completely on board with a financially stable single mom by choice. So is pretty much everyone on this thread but, again, i'm only reading what's written there. I can't read what your internal voice is telling you about how much everyone hates you. I've also lived abroad most of my adult life and think the risks of moving abroad are basically overrated.

the gap between what's being written and what you see...

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 17:53

Okay apple - shall we just agree to disagree! As I'm not defensive but whatever I put I think you'll just say I am!

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 04/03/2017 17:53

No worries. Wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do Flowers

icy121 · 04/03/2017 17:55

Ooh ooh .. guess the country! Given no worries about visa, cold climate, excellent healthcare, BREXIT not a problem.... are there special celebrations in may in this country by any chance?

Having RTFT (and think you're getting quite a lot of unnecessary stick, however if you laid it out a bit more fully in the OP you may have avoided it - I understand some isn't relevant to you, but to get sensible replies it's better to just lay it all down so people don't miss subsequent points - and irrelevant speed donor bashing points can be ignored) I agree you're in no worse a position if you move abroad, get settled and then try to get pregnant. If your friends end up not being very supportive, you'll have NCT-equivalent over there so you can make friends the same way as you would here.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 17:58

Thanks waitrose Flowers

icy erm - not sure! But I love May and I love flowers so all good :)

OP posts:
EurusHolmesViolin · 04/03/2017 18:20

I was thinking the special celebrations would be earlier than may.

Grace7788 · 04/03/2017 18:48

OP are you the one who posted about only wanting a girl?

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 18:59

No ...

OP posts:
Grace7788 · 04/03/2017 19:00

Hmmmm

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 19:02

Feel free to report if you're not sure Grace :)

OP posts:
Obsidian77 · 04/03/2017 19:43

This is one of the most bizarre and confusing threads I've seen in a long time. You have asked for advice and yet when people share their experiences you are brittle, evasive and secretive to the point where it hampers communication.
If you said "I'm the only limbo dancer in Aspatria, I also breed gerbils and I'm planning to move to Vladivostok" nobody would know or care who you are but we could at least direct our advice a little better.
Many pps have shared their experiences of having children abroad. You have ignored all these comments.
Others have asked if you have checked all the legalities of visas, residence, healthcare, citizenship. You have ignored this too except for telling cory that that's what you intend to do if you decide to move, but this has to be resolved in order to make that decision...your thought process is confusing.
I would be concerned that if the people you've known your whole life apparently wouldn't help look after your DC if you were rushed to hospital you're expecting a hell of a lot from people you don't know as well.
Also, a country that seems cheap from here isn't always what it seems. When you factor in that you would only have your income, which would apparently be reduced, you might find that you struggle to get by before having a child.
People do complain, with justification, that the UK is an expensive place to live, but if you had to pay for healthcare, schooling, and other assorted costs on a lower salary, you could be significantly worse off.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/03/2017 00:03

This really seems like attention-seeking for a non-issue.

You have no real friends or family here. You have some sort of super close and amazing friends elsewhere and nothing to stop you moving. Just move? If you don't like it then just come back here to your fantastic job.

Unless you're stupid enough to deliberately get pregnant when you don't even know where you'll be living or who could watch your child in an emergency then this is also a non-issue because it's not going to happen for ages anyway and by then your situation will have changed.

Of course you would be utterly unreasonable to follow your friend to another country so they could look after your baby. That's a huge amount of pressure. What if they want to move away? What if they've just got their own lives to look after?

If you want to move then do it,m and come back in a year when you're in a better position to consider having that baby.

Or the much smarter option, use this energy to find a few professional nannies who could step in in an emergency. You have plenty of money by the sounds of it. Why would you jeopardize friendships and give your baby an unstable life by moving them all over the place?

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