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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move abroad to have a baby?

197 replies

leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 12:39

It's probably madness, but here goes.

I am single. I have always wanted to be a parent but that elusive One keeps evading me.

My parents are dead. My mother died when I was 16 (cancer) and my dad died 3 years ago (heart attack Sad

I have NO support, therefore, and that's the thing I keep hearing.

I have very good friends but the ones I know I could rely on for support if shit really did come to shite are abroad. They have been pressurising me mercilessly suggesting I also move.

Pros - it's a beautiful place, cheap to live, very friendly, my friends Gin
Cons - my home is here, my job is here (opportunities for my line of work are few and far between there: I can do something related ish but not as much money.)

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2017 13:38

It sounds like you really want to do it. I'm sceptical it could work because it's one thing for friends to say come over,it's quite another for it to happen smoothly and it's a hell of a gamble. As lurker said, you find people, you make friends. And those friends come through because you make darn sure you find the ones, who will.

saoirse31 · 04/03/2017 13:39

It is an off chance. How old are you? Do you really think friends will be always available to help?maybe in an emergency but not day by day day. You need to consider how you'd manage in ur current country and current job. You can't move purely on basis that that support from friends will be as u expect, therein lies madness. Read some of threads on this site. If you're having a child, you're the adult responsible, no one else. You need to know you can cope.

MsMims · 04/03/2017 13:39

Actually Worra it's you who came across as 'really fucking mardy' and childish pestering the OP on how she would fall pregnant if you're as aware about sperm donation as you claim.

OP, although your plan obviously needs some considerations taken into account, I don't see it as largely different to how some women move nearer to their families for support when they have a baby. If your friends are your closest support system, it's very similar. Best of luck to you!

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:39

Maybe I'm just a knob Mummy Grin but no, I don't meet many people like that. I have loads of friends, but as I've said I know the ones I can rely on and the ones I can't! Ultimately the one to rely on is you. But the problem is, if I'm not available (ill, dead, whatever) someone else needs to step in.

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:41

Yes, quite, it's emergencies I'm talking about, really.

Every time I've seen a thread on here about a woman in my situation, people say it's possible - but with support. Now people appear to be saying you can only get that support from people you share genetics with.

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:41

Ms that's how I've been thinking of it as well.

OP posts:
7to25 · 04/03/2017 13:44

That those of us with no partner and no support other than friends who may or may not help should not choose to have a child.

Floggingmolly · 04/03/2017 13:45

But op, you have no idea what sort of support system your friends would be willing to offer you because you don't live in the same country, so presumably aren't availing of it now Confused
How long is it since you lived closer to these friends, and how come you haven't made any new friends in the intervening time?

ARumWithAView · 04/03/2017 13:45

What are the legal logistics for moving to this country? Do you need a visa? Does it have to be sponsored by an employer? What are your rights to remain (ie can you be asked to leave if you lose your job or income, or if you commit even a minor crime)?

What are your rights and entitlements to healthcare, incl maternity care? Will you lose them, if you lose your job?

If you really have no support network, I'd be very wary of leaving a decent job in your home country in favour of a worse-paid, 'related-ish' position in a country where opportunities for your field are few and far between. You will be the sole provider for 18 years, and need to play the long game in terms of financial security.

Were you born in the UK and are you eligible to pass on UK citizenship to your child, if they're born abroad?

What will the child's legal status be, if it's born in this new country: automatically a citizen of that country, or something else? If 'something else', are they entitled to free healthcare and education?

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:45

Yes, I thought that was what you were implying, 7.

I don't agree, but thank you for being open about your thoughts.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 04/03/2017 13:48

When you say your friends are encouraging you to move abroad, are they actually aware of your plans for motherhood, and the role they're expected to play?

BradleyPooper · 04/03/2017 13:48

I live abroad and have had both my babies in different countries where I knew no-one before moving there. Dh travels a lot (50% of the time) so I have often have no traditional support network (family, old friends etc) but you do find people. I have met other parents through school, activities, work and groups who would gladly take my kids in an emergency (as I would theirs), we also have a great babysitter. You will build up a support network wherever you are, you just haven't done it yet because you don't need to.

I do think that support network is a bit of a red herring and the easiest issue to solve. You need to figure out where you want to live, where you would be happiest and where you would like to raise your child. Consider cost of living, culture, safety, residency requirements, educational systems, employment, language, healthcare standards...... and then decide. Living there for 6 months is a smart move, I'd go for it.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 04/03/2017 13:48

Which Country are you planning to move to?
From your posts so far, it sounds like a very badly thought out plan.
Friendships often change when people have children and just because your friends have children already, doesn't mean they will be able to offer you support when your child is born, especially if their children are older/a different age. If you are planning to move Country, do this for a year first, before having a baby, to suss out the country and see if you like the place (holidays abroad and stories from people living there will always be through rose tinted glasses when away from home). Set yourself up with accommodation, work, friends (outside of the ones you already know there). Cost childcare/living expenses/schools/taxes/suitability of employment available/Income verses Outgoings etc.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:49

Flogging, you possibly are correct, and I could get there, discover they've had a personality transplant and become people who don't want to help or support in any way.

I'm not being facetious. After my mother died, my dad had a personality transplant Hmm and went from caring dad and devoted husband to someone I barely recognised. As a result, I had to leave home at 18 and wasn't allowed back, even for Christmas, which was a bit rubbish really - and so I do understand more than most you can't rely on people.

However, if I stay here I've no support either so I wouldn't really be in a worse situation, and I have a home here I can always come back to :)

As I have said, I have plenty of friends, but not anyone I think would necessarily be any help.

I feel from your use of Confused you just disapprove which is fine, but reasons other than 'your friends might change' would be nice! :)

OP posts:
Lostwithinthehills · 04/03/2017 13:50

How many friends do you have living in this other country op? Do they all live in the same area? Why did they move there? It seems odd that your reliable friends are all clustered together abroad and only unreliable friends are left at home. You should only relocate abroad if you actively want to live and work in that country not because you feel like you might have emergency childcare via friends there. What would you do if your friends moved somewhere else, say for work? Follow them around?

Lunde · 04/03/2017 13:51

Have you checked out the immigration rules for the country? I don't know whether you are considering moving within the EU but in many countries (especially the Scandi countries I have lived in) you need to be formally registered as a resident to get access to healthcare, education and childcare etc.

BarbarianMum · 04/03/2017 13:51

What is your nationality? What rights would you have to maternity, welfare and healthcare benefits in the new country? Will brexit make a difference?

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:52

Let me try to explain.

Let's say someone starts a thread on here. "My baby won't sleep and I'm losing my mind!" "I never get any peace from my toddler." "Something weird happened with my maternity pay and it hasn't gone in."

Every time people ask about support - is there anyone who can take the baby for an hour so you can have a sleep, any friends or family you can borrow money from.

It's little things like that. I think anyone who knows me would say I'm not someone who takes advantage and that's not what I'm planning here, at all. I'm just trying to explain that, if I started a thread saying I wanted to have a baby alone, one of the first things people would say is 'do you have support.'

I can't help it that my only genetic forms of support are dead!

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:52

No - lost, that's NOT it.

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/03/2017 13:53

It is a huge expectation to expect friends to pick up a support role . What if they needed to move on or had other obligations? If you are unlikely to find work then how would you propose to support yourself? In many countries you have to pay in before you get any access to state support including healthcare and education, and may well be more so post-Brexit. If it isn't an English speaking country, do you speak the language well enough if at all to get by. Tbh as you aren't even pg yet you'd be better off developing a network of support and friendship here first rather than making assumptions about your overseas friends and that life there would be rosier.

memyselfandaye · 04/03/2017 13:53

Moving abroad seems a bit drastic, if you stayed here could you afford an au pair or part time nanny?

Floggingmolly · 04/03/2017 13:53

I didn't say your friends might change??
I merely enquired if they're aware of the greater than usual role in proceedings they will be expected to undertake...

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2017 13:53

I don't think you're a knob. Wink. I think maybe you don't assert yourself enough. I've got a friend, who's taught me to assert myself more - one I met on the NCT group. I think it also depends where you live. I live in a village and the locals are far less likely to help out than those, who live in the city a 10 min drive away. The locals have family support and don't get why I would need help. They can be a bit myopic and if I were to ask for help, they'd look at me as if I had 2 heads!! Those living in the outskirts of the city have less family support and help each other more. (Not a major city btw). My friend lives in the city in an area, where former students in their 30's/40's tend to have set up house and it's a very different mindset. So you also need to pick where you live carefully. I can depend on about 3 friends now. If I had no one, they'd somehow manage to have dd. Honestly, you would find people.

Archimandrite · 04/03/2017 13:54

There's so much to consider. Someone mentioned health care entitlement there. And that is v v important. In some countries your employer stumps up half your insurance and you stump up the other half. If you are self-employed then you are responsible for forking out for the lot. My DB lives in Germany, is self-employed and his premium is a HUGE outgoing. Literally thousands per year. You need to be very sure what you would need to pay for yourself, what would happen if you were unemployed and whether you could afford it.

And YY to friends. It puts a heck of a lot of pressure on those friends knowing they are the 4th emergency service as it were. And would they definitely be able to to take DS/DD at 3am if necessary. Are they working? If so could they/would they take time of work to look after your DC?

Where would you live - many places have apartment living and if you can't get a ground floor place you might end up carting baby, shopping, etc up many flights of stairs.

Lostwithinthehills · 04/03/2017 14:00

Sorry, I don't understand, what is 'NOT it'?