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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move abroad to have a baby?

197 replies

leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 12:39

It's probably madness, but here goes.

I am single. I have always wanted to be a parent but that elusive One keeps evading me.

My parents are dead. My mother died when I was 16 (cancer) and my dad died 3 years ago (heart attack Sad

I have NO support, therefore, and that's the thing I keep hearing.

I have very good friends but the ones I know I could rely on for support if shit really did come to shite are abroad. They have been pressurising me mercilessly suggesting I also move.

Pros - it's a beautiful place, cheap to live, very friendly, my friends Gin
Cons - my home is here, my job is here (opportunities for my line of work are few and far between there: I can do something related ish but not as much money.)

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
araiwa · 04/03/2017 13:19

if op had mentioned sperm donation in the op it would have been easier but details about everything were so vague that its difficult to give any real consideration to the plan

Cel982 · 04/03/2017 13:20

What are you playing at, Worra? I know you're not stupid, so you're obviously being deliberately obtuse.

The OP is asking if having a support network is important enough when you become a parent to warrant moving abroad and taking a drop in income. That's not a crazy thing to think about, or something that implies her life is a mess Hmm She clearly understands that being a single parent can be very tough, and jumping into it without a thought to your wider community and what might happen if you need extra support would be thoughtless and irresponsible.

OP, I think you should make the move abroad, settle into your new community over there, and put off the conception issue for at least a year. If, at that stage, you're feeling happy and at home in your new country, and feel you have the support you would need, then go for it. And best of luck.

Witchend · 04/03/2017 13:20

The problem is friends are often happy to say "yes move here, have a baby, I'd love to look after it".

The reality often is that means "I might on the odd occasion baby sit grudgingly, but what I really meant was I'll come round and cuddle them when they're first born while you make me a coffee".

Obsidian77 · 04/03/2017 13:20

We moved to DH's home country, which we planned to do anyway, before having DCs.
Tons of our friends and relatives nagged us to come, promised they would help, that it would be great because we'd have, and I quote, "a ready-made support network".
Did they help? Did they bollocks. I wasn't expecting much, maybe just reciprocal babysitting or going out for a coffee now and again but I've never felt so isolated and unsupported.
In addition my work permit took so long to process that I was never actually able to find work, which has utterly fucked my career.
We are now back in the UK and I wish with all my heart we had never gone.
You can't count on anyone but yourself.

PonderLand · 04/03/2017 13:20

Hi OP, I think taking 6 months to review it would be a good idea. You've obviously thought about it a lot to start this thread! If you're fluent in the language then I'd go for it. Could be a brilliant opportunity/experience waiting!

MaudGonneMad · 04/03/2017 13:21

This thread rings a bell. Have you posted about it before, OP?

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:22

Ara, it wouldn't have been easier, because that's not what the thread is about.

I do understand what you all mean about friends, but I have friends in the former camp, who I know would say all sorts of things but not deliver, and those in the latter. Really, I have no support network here not because I don't have friends, but because I know ultimately I can't rely on those friends - like them, care about them, have lots of fun with them, yes, but not rely.

Cel, that's exactly it!

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:22

No, Maud Confused

OP posts:
7to25 · 04/03/2017 13:23

I know.
The hard part for her was that she just hadn't realised how hard it would be on her own.
I think the baby would have eventually been adopted if her mother had not stepped in. And she would have agreed to this.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:24

Incidentally, the OM Worra refers to simply requested that she stop asking about the conception of my future child. It was curt (I pointed out it was not her business) but not rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:24

It's unclear what you mean then, 7 - that those of us with dead mothers shouldn't have a child in case the same situation comes about?

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 04/03/2017 13:25

I agree with some of the others about support networks built after the birth might ultimately prove to be more reliable than promises from friends, however well meaning they are at the moment. Do your friends have children? I would be wary of promises of support from childless friends coming to nothing - it's easier to build a network based on mutual support, which tends to come through friends you make with similar aged children. Both are a bit of a leap of faith though, so I'd take that out of the equation and ask myself if I'd rather live where they are or here. Good luck OP, and I don't think you were being unduly mardy.

FrenchLavender · 04/03/2017 13:27

If your best opportunities for work are here then wouldn't it be better to stay here? Not much point being nearer to a better support network if you can't get a decent job. Unless you have a large inheritance from your parents then I would think very carefully before throwing away the chance of decent career advancement when you will be the sole breadwinner.

Also, although I think while friends may say things like 'come and live here' they have their own families to focus on day to day and you may find that the level of support you imagine will you will have from them may not be quite what you'd hoped in reality.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:27

Yes, my friends do have children.

I understand support networks are often built after the birth but I don't see myself joining NCT or similar. DCN are good but there tend to be a lot of same sex couples - single women tend to be clustered around the south east for some reason (I live up north!)

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:28

Work is definitely the fly in the ointment.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2017 13:28

Personally I would stay in the UK and try to get a network of friends. You'll have maternity leave so once the baby is born, you could visit your friends for a while and see how you get on. The idea of living abroad can be very different from reality and adding a child into the mix could be very tough for you. I did the expat thing for 9 years prior to dd being born and returned to the UK heavily pregnant. I'm glad I did this. There's a lot more stuff and support for parents with children here than Germany or France or Belgium for example. Dh and I did an NCT group and coincidentally 2 other women weren't local and we used to meet up regularly. We were there for each other a lot.

saoirse31 · 04/03/2017 13:31

Perfectly possible to do with no support, tho not easy. Crazy to move country on off chance of friends supporting u.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:32

It's not really an off chance :)

As I've said, I'm not talking about 'I'm going to have my nails done for an hour, have my child!' but serious things like hospitalisation, illness, and so on.

Plus, company - I imagine life alone with a small baby/child is lonely, or potentially so.

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 04/03/2017 13:33

There is also paid childcare. If you had a childminder, for example, they will sometimes take children overnight - especially for emergency care but also for work trips etc (obviously depends on the childminder but they do exist). Even if you don't do NCT (though in my group of 8 there were two children conceived via sperm donor - one to a single woman and one to a same-sex couple) there are lots of other opportunities to build networks after the birth - swimming classes, coffee mornings, nursery, neighbours. When dd2 was born I had several people on standby to take dd1 in the middle of the night, none of whom I knew before she was born.

longestlurkerever · 04/03/2017 13:34

Personally I think a good income gives you more options for support and I'd be wary of moving somewhere as a single parent without the promise of a stable job.

Olympiathequeen · 04/03/2017 13:34

If you can get a job and provide housing for yourself and the child, then it's a perfectly sensible option. You don't need a huge salary just ensure it's enough to keep you both.

Floggingmolly · 04/03/2017 13:34

How much "help" do you realistically imagine your friends are going to give you? Confused.

I would be aghast if I knew someone was relying so heavily on my support in their decision to have children that it may actually tip the balance...

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:36

Longest, but realistically, it's not for me.

I know people will flock to tell me I'm wrong, but look at some of the hostility and suspicion I was treated with on this thread. That's what you get, in some places. I realise some parts of the country may attract more free spirited people, but being the "odd one out", the one without a husband or partner, the one who's Mother's Day isn't celebrated - it's not for me.

I have found (and as I've said, I have experience of this!) that the people who will help you are the people who also have no extended family, whether through death or something else, sometimes something worse.

I have friends nearby who I've known since schooldays. I love them dearly. They are part of me. But if I needed them to take my child because I've been rushed to hospital, they wouldn't. I know this. It's no reflection on them, but it's just how it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:37

Flogging I have gone through this.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2017 13:37

I think I agree that it would be a good idea to take some time out of work if you can, go and stay in the other country for 6m or so to get the feel of it, and see if you think you can make it work.

See if your friends are the support you need without a child, too - if they won't rally round you if you have a problem without a child to worry about, then they won't be the support you believe them to be WITH one.

Depending on how well paid your work is, would it be possible to consider another option? A live-in full time nanny? Possibly a bit old-fashioned, and very sort of "landed gentry" sort of thing, but it might work for you if you decide that your job is too important to you to give up (and you can afford it). That would/should then cover the bases of what to do if you need to be hospitalised etc.

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