To move abroad to have a baby?

[leastlittletouchofspleen]

It's probably madness, but here goes.

I am single. I have always wanted to be a parent but that elusive One keeps evading me.

My parents are dead. My mother died when I was 16 (cancer) and my dad died 3 years ago (heart attack

I have NO support, therefore, and that's the thing I keep hearing.

I have very good friends but the ones I know I could rely on for support if shit really did come to shite are abroad. They have been pressurising me mercilessly suggesting I also move.

Pros - it's a beautiful place, cheap to live, very friendly, my friends
Cons - my home is here, my job is here (opportunities for my line of work are few and far between there: I can do something related ish but not as much money.)

Any thoughts?

I don't think it's a totally crazy idea OP. I have two close friends who are like family to me, and who I know wouldn't say lightly "move closer to be with us and we could help you with your baby". If they said it they'd mean it. I know plenty of other friends/acquaintances who WOULD say something like that and not mean it, or wouldn't say it at all. But blood isn't always thicker than water.

If I were you my main concerns would be:

• will I be homesick/suffer culture shock. I live abroad, and I never expected to be homesick (had never ever felt homesick or particularly attached to the UK) but I was, and still am sometimes. Living outside your own culture can be really difficult in many unexpected ways. So I'd definitely do a trial period of 6m to a year (including a winter) before making long term commitments.

• would it be easy enough for you to return to the UK if you wanted/needed to.

• what if your friends got a great job opportunity away from where they live now, or had to move to be near an ill/elderly parent or something like that. What would you do in that situation: follow them, return to the UK and try to build a support network there, or stay where you were and try to build a support network there.

I presume things like visas/impact of Brexit/job a d housing availability/access to sperm donor and prenatal care etc in the new country are all things you've already researched as you sound pretty with it. Cub

You have said that if it doesn't work out and your friends, for example, moved again, then you'd be no worse off than you are now. But that's the bit I don't get from your post. You'd have given up your job, other friends, ability to speak the language, access to benefits in a country you are a citizen of, etc. You would be worse off, wouldn't you? If you genuinely wouldn't be, and think you could manage, go for it. I really mean that. Single parenting is a big undertaking but many people make a success of it, and if you've planned out how it would work from the outset then you are in a better starting place than many.

Cub? Don't know where that came from.

No harm in moving abroad if you think you can have a better life there. I don't think you will know until you have a life established there whether you really have a good situation in which to bring up a baby. You need to get established in a job, find somewhere to live and get settled in the culture.

I don't really understand why there is no mention of a father - would you not want to get into a stable relationship before ttc? The father would also have family which would be important to the baby's life, especially as you don't have close family yourself.

It is wonderful to have close friends but I'm curious why you think they are more important than potential dp and his family.

I appreciate your comments. But what some of you seem to be saying is that some terrible disaster could befell me, rendering me unable to work, therefore not to do it.

Whilst as you can see, I've given thought and consideration to having a child, I also cannot live my life on the assumption some terrible thing will happen.

As I've said a few times now () I am not moving with the expectation my friends will have the child for hours at a time. But they have been in comparable situations and understand - more than my friends here do. And if they don't, then as I've said, nothing lost, I have my home here, work I could pick up. I envision moving back at some point anyway to be honest!

Flogging, do you mean to sound quite so hectoring? I'm only asking as I'm 'reading' your posts in a very sneering, incredulous sort of way, but you might not intend this.

Oyster - 37.

Xmas, of course, but it hasn't happened and I can't really see it happening now :)

Have you thought about a co-parenting arrangement? Or, like someone else said, an arrangement involving a live in nanny or au pair?

If your friends understand that you'd be closer to them so they could be your in case of emergency person for the baby, I think it's fine. I've got one friend who is family to me so I get it, and I would move closer to her if I was on my own. You need to seriously find a career option that works though!

I don't think co parenting is for me. I'd either want to be in a relationship with the baby's father or single. Co parenting is great in theory but in reality is quite difficult. Stretching to a live in nanny would be difficult.

Not so much something disastrous befalling you, just the predictable hardship of being a single parent in a country you don't speak the language, with no job. People do parent in those situations too but it's definitely not a situation I would try and engineer for myself - whereas I could see myself as a lone parent with a good income, friends to have fun with and reliable childcare in place, working ok.

Haven't read past first page but I'd move to where you friends are regardless of a baby. Do it

Well, not really longest as I am word perfect in the language and would never move without a job :)

I do know one co-parenting family with three parents. I am quite envious of it as an arrangement though agree there are lots of factors that have to work for it to be a success. They have to be committed to living near to each other for a start, like they would be if they were in a relationship. The kids have a lot of love in their life though, and the parents (there are three) have a lot of support

Well that's good! Am much less worried about your plan on that basis!

Why aren't you there already? If there's no good reason then go for it!

It's literally just the work opportunities :)

Ok great. So go and get a job there.

But you would be on a visa, wouldn't you? You're really glossing over some serious practical issues, like healthcare costs/entitlement, your legal status in the country (including the issue of whether you'd have to leave if you lost your job), and your child's own legal status there.

It's also pretty weird that you're now turning around and acting like people are being odd for fixating on worst-case-scenarios, when earlier in the thread you acted like that was the main point of the move: your friends in the UK couldn't be counted on in an 'absolute emergency', whereas your friends overseas could be relied on 'if shit really did come to shite'.

I think then it depends on what you mean by that. I really do think that in your position I'd want to be on a decent salary so I could afford reliable childcare and the odd bit of babysitting - and obviously you'd have the household to support on one income too. If you have enough for that here and wouldn't there I'd be reluctant to give that up personally. If you could make it work out there too, grand.

OP, you seem really really defensive/unhappy here and I think there might just be a communication breakdown in this thread.

You've asked a question to which the answer really depends. It depends: on your relationship with your friends, your age, your work status and ability to find work abroad, language, etc everything. So people are asking so that they can answer you. People aren't trying to attack you, then are trying to answer a question that you asked . But every time people ask a question, you respond with snippiness, defensiveness and real anger.

You obviously feel having a baby alone is this very shameful thing and so you are reading every question or clarification as an attack, when really most people are just trying to give better advice. Asking "can you work in the UK?" or "will X help" isn't trying to hurt you, it's trying to get all the info so they can make suggestions. We don't know what you won't tell us.

Your answers are also SUPER FUCKING VAGUE. You responded "that is "NOT it". What is "not it"? Or someone asks if your friends know and you say "I've gone through this". Through what? It's like you are referring to posts where you explain things in complete sentences and adequate detail but only you can see them. No one knows your relationship with your friends unless you tell us. No one knows your work status unless you tell us. You're applauding posts where posters make positive assumptions about you but they're still assumptions. They don't have any more information than anyone else! You're so angry but it's completely unearned.

I honestly believe you wrote out a post in which you emphasized all the shortcomings with this plan and you wanted everyone to say "great plan, awesome!" so you could feel relieved. But when people have dared to mention the shortcomings you brought up, you completely lash out.

My advice (which you won't like AT ALL) is I would go through with the plan but I would also start therapy because you seem like a person with a lot of barely concealed anger and I would not wish that (combined with the shame you obviously feel in single parent) on any child.

Two things.

1. At 15:34 you said I also cannot live my life on the assumption some terrible thing will happen.

Isn't your whole plan based on if something terrible happened your friends would be there?

2. Assuming you are a British citizen, if you have a child overseas, that child will be a British Subject and will not be able to pass on their nationality if he/she has children.

I think there is a communication breakdown Apple.

I don't feel I have lashed out at all, but tell me honestly, if someone asked about the conception of your child, wouldn't you be a bit How about it someone suggested you should have a dog or cat instead of a baby? Or that you mention your mum babysitting and people imply you're taking advantage.

Now, I recognise none of the above are a precise comparison but if I've seemed defensive that is why!

I don't feel being a bit sharp on a thread on here warrants therapy. You're right and I don't like the advice, because I don't feel it is advice but a way for you to tell me that you don't like me much, which is fine, words on a screen and all.

I haven't responded with 'real anger' (baffled!) at all!

Assuming health care and education are fine at your abroad place, I'd go in a heartbeat.

Marco - I think it's wise to plan for possibilities, but that's different to possibilities being assumptions.

I suppose to draw a comparison - I service my car as it's a possibility it could be involved in an accident and harm me or others, but I don't assume I'll be in an accident as that might stop me driving.

leastlittletouchofspleen Sat 04-Mar-17 15:34:07
"I appreciate your comments. But what some of you seem to be saying is that some terrible disaster could befell me, rendering me unable to work, therefore not to do it."

No, we are not saying that. We are saying "do your research carefully".
Make sure you know what your rights are and what your baby's rights will be.

It doesn't take a major disaster to make it desirable for you to have access to good quality non-emergency medical care. Minor complications in pregnancy requiring good antenatal care, or minor birth injuries are very common: they're not horrendous disasters that happen once every 100 years.

Ditto with the nationality thing. Find out what your baby will be entitled to if you decide to return and what you will be entitled to if you decide to stay. Don't take anything for granted.

As I said, I've done this. I spoke the language, I knew the culture- there were still a fair few things to consider.