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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move abroad to have a baby?

197 replies

leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 12:39

It's probably madness, but here goes.

I am single. I have always wanted to be a parent but that elusive One keeps evading me.

My parents are dead. My mother died when I was 16 (cancer) and my dad died 3 years ago (heart attack Sad

I have NO support, therefore, and that's the thing I keep hearing.

I have very good friends but the ones I know I could rely on for support if shit really did come to shite are abroad. They have been pressurising me mercilessly suggesting I also move.

Pros - it's a beautiful place, cheap to live, very friendly, my friends Gin
Cons - my home is here, my job is here (opportunities for my line of work are few and far between there: I can do something related ish but not as much money.)

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/03/2017 13:01

This is like pulling teeth...

What man? You said you're not in a relationship.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:01

It's really not like pulling teeth, but it's not relevant to my question, is it? :)

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:01

Yes, I was thinking move for six months and then review :)

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:03

It is benefit bashing when the implication is that baby = benefits. I wouldn't actually be entitled to any benefits at all due to having too much money, bizarre as that sounds.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/03/2017 13:03

Yes, I think it's very relevant to your question.

Also, why don't you have any friends here?

Could you perhaps join a few interest groups or something, and make some friends that way?

Before you know it, you may have built your own support network.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:05

I have a handful of friends here, but no one I could rely on, really. That's not a dig at them at all: they obviously have their own lives. Building a support network isn't as simple as just having a few mates, unfortunately, and believe me I have been on my own long enough to know this.

Single women and same sex women are allowed to use sperm donation Worra. And don't even try to tell me you didn't know that.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 04/03/2017 13:06

But where will the sperm come from?

If she is willing to risk her health and safety, (and I daresay, psychological wellbeing) sperm is not exactly hard to get.

Would of course be safer with a screened sperm donor. But that's not that expensive, either.

OP, since you refuse to say where you would move to, I really cannot tell whether it would be a good idea.

Why do all your friends live abroad? Is that a country you have lived in before or are they just internet friends?

fussygalore118 · 04/03/2017 13:06

Jesus christ have you heard of doner sperm?

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:06

Thank you fussy.

Only now the whole thread is going to be judging that, isn't it?

OP posts:
araiwa · 04/03/2017 13:07

is it likely you'll end up in hospital and your child in foster care? it seems a strange thought unless theres a reason for it

expatinscotland · 04/03/2017 13:07

No, I wouldn't do this. Stay here and get a sperm donor from abroad (easier because some EU countries still have anonymity. Watch that show Viking Babies, about Danish sperm donors). Develop your own network here.

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/03/2017 13:07

I don't mean to throw a spanner into the works...BUT, you could relocate, take a lower paid job and then discover you weren't able to conceive naturally? What then...

icanteven · 04/03/2017 13:08

There was a similar thread a couple of days ago about a single woman (possibly the same OP?) wondering about the logistics of having a baby and sharing a one bedroom apartment, and there was the same blank incomprehension about where a baby might come from, if not a committed relationship.

Are sperm banks really so left field (even if they are a bit understocked in this country)? Or a male friend etc.?

OP, if you want to have a baby on your own, then go for it, but I would be hesitant to say "Yes!! Move to the same country as your friends!" without knowing what country, and what sort of friends they are. It's so easy to be visiting, sitting in the sunshine, having lunch on the terrace with a bottle of white wine, and your friends saying "It's wonderful here! It's always warm, and our house was only €40k! - you should TOTALLY move here." when the reality is that you will (as you say) struggle to find work that is not as proportionate to the cost of living as it is here (if you see what I mean) and you discover that your friends are full of positivity until you ask them to come and stay with you while you recover from your c-section etc. etc.

At least on your home territory you know exactly what the score is.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:08

Can I just say as well, it's really hurtful the sort of suspicion you are treated with if you're single and want a child.

If two women came on here planning a baby I bet they wouldn't get snarky 'but where is the sperm coming from' comments, or implications you'd have a ONS or something.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/03/2017 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bluetongue · 04/03/2017 13:09

Is this other country in the EU? How are you planning to be able to move there and be allowed to stay, access health care etc?

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:10

It's not a strange thought - it's a consideration.

I don't know that thread icant but I think people know exactly what you mean but decide to imply you would sleep around because ... I don't know why really.

It's definitely not a warm country :)

I think possibly going for six months and reviewing is a good idea.

OP posts:
fussygalore118 · 04/03/2017 13:12

If you could get a job you'd like and are a sociable creature then in a heartbeat I'd move to be close to friends who would be supportive when/if I were to have a child.

Bloody good luck! It's a brave thing making the decision to go it alone to have a child x

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2017 13:12

OP, do not send me any more private messages.

I'm out of this thread now because I genuinely couldn't care less what you do.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:15

Worra, speaking frankly here, yes, I was really irritated by your faux-incomprehension as to how a woman alone might have a child. I think it was really quite petty and really inappropriate.

I have thoroughly researched the hows and the whys and the cans and the cannots of sperm donation to the point I am probably a mini expert in fertility. However, going through that when you start a thread tends to lend itself to people leaping on that in a well meaning way to 'advise' you on SD, or worse, judging you for it. This deflects the thread away from its original purpose and is frustrating, especially when groups of people (the former) mean well.

To be frank, I think you know exactly how single women not in relationships have babies, and were feigning ignorance to try and draw out a bit of a row, hence you wouldn't accept my 'joke' on page one. So if we could leave that discussion now, please? Thanks.

OP posts:
7to25 · 04/03/2017 13:16

I know of somebody in your situation, OP, but with a living mother. She confidently had the baby in another country and was struck with debilitating PND and had to be hospitalised.
The friends were concerned but practical help vanished. I.e. Nobody was prepared to foster a newborn. The baby was temporarily fostered and ended up with her elderly mother in her home country.
She was eventually discharged and moved back in with her mother. She lost her (niche, very good) job.
She hadn't bonded with the baby at all and it was all a bit of a mess.
Think before you leap.

Iflyaway · 04/03/2017 13:16

Yea, exactly. No-one's business if you want to have a child as a LP.

What I would say though is do you speak the language of the country you want to move to? If you don't you'll have a hard time trying to navigate all the bureaucracy.

Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:17

The thing is, 7, if I had to be hospitalised due to crippling PND (or any other reason) then my child would go into foster care in this country so it's not really a comparable situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 13:17

I do, fluently.

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 04/03/2017 13:19

IME. good supportive networks build after the birth. My closest friends i made in NCT and then toddler groups then parents of kids my kids made friends with at school.

Don't write of the UK just yet.