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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My competition win was hijacked by a very strange woman (bit of a long saga)

217 replies

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 11:22

This is in AIBU because I genuinely want to know if I was, but it's borderline personally upsetting so please don't be too robust when you respond.

So I came second in a creative writing competition in another language. I was pretty pleased about this as I had last studied it at school. There were categories for secondary aged pupils, university students, native speakers and people like me (random grown ups, basically). So about 2/3 of the people there were adult winners, i.e. not at school.

The prize was a creative writing workshop with a celebrated writer. Very exciting, although I was a bit nervous about writing in the other language as I haven't done much of that for years. I speak the language really fluently with a native accent (can't say more without outing myself), but I don't write in it very often, because I never went to school or university there, so I am a bit self-conscious about things like spelling and perfect grammar, perfect idioms, etc. Admittedly I am a bit of a perfectionist. Anyway I turned up to the workshop, and waited.

Everything in the waiting area was fine except there was a woman who turned up with three independent school sixth form kids in school uniform (no other kids were in school uniform). She was, shall we say, something of a strong personality, a bit loud, and kind of dominating proceedings. In the movie of her life, I later joked to my DH, she would be played by Miriam Gargoyles at full throttle. I am sure you all know the type. But there's no law against being like that, free country, takes all sorts, etc etc. We didn't actually have anything to do with each other before the workshop.

Eventually we were divided into small groups and all the prize winners went into the workshop room with their assigned author. This woman, with the kids in school uniform, said "We're coming with him" and followed us into the workshop and plonked herself down. I wondered if she was someone's mum. We started with a bit of who we all were and so on, in the target language. She then starting muttering behind her hand to one of the sixth form students that my language skills were poor and I could not speak properly, and sniggered. This made me feel very uncomfortable - I know I speak the language just fine, I certainly was one of the better speakers in the room, and normally I would just ignore something like this on the grounds that she didn't know what she was talking about, but she had actually touched on a nerve. From my point of view, here I was being brave and exposing myself psychologically, and she was essentially starting to be a bit of a bully in the workshop, with a weird agenda. I wouldn't have minded them joining in if they were nice, but they weren't being nice. They were playing strange and inappropriate psychological games and sucking me into something I didn't like. I did not need to be picked on by a bully at that exact moment in my life, so I decided to be vigilant and sort her out if it came to that.

She sniggered about me a bit more, so then I asked her whether she was one of the prize winners. She announced she wasn't, but that one of her pupils was, and she and her other pupils had been invited to the workshop so that was why she was there. Now I could see the organisers hadn't been expecting her, and I had received the same congratulatory email as everyone else, and this was most emphatically not the case - guests were invited to the prize ceremony in the evening but not to the workshop. In addition, no other students and teachers had turned up, which made it even more obvious to everyone that she had misunderstood the email her winning student had received, and was effectively gatecrashing the event. So I responded that this was surprising, as the prize for the competition was supposed to be this workshop, and guests were invited to the evening ceremony but obviously not the workshop, as that was meant to be the prize. She said she was entitled to be there. So I said that if she hadn't entered or won, then I couldn't see what she was doing here. I added that personally speaking, this was quite a brave thing for me to be doing, and I would be grateful therefore if it could be kept to prize winners only, as originally agreed, and not language teachers and their guests. Apart from anything else, I pointed out, the group size would be very large if extra people came in.

She then let rip. I was a horrible person, I was a nasty person, she had never met anyone like me, this was outrageous, I was appalling, etc etc. I was personally attacked in front of all the other prizewinners and the organising committee. They all stood there like rabbits paralysed in the headlights. None of them did anything. We all slightly died of embarrassment.

I got my coat, and very politely said that if this was the basis on which the workshop was happening, I did not feel it was a psychologically safe space for me personally to be doing something artistic such as creative writing, and that I was going to leave and see them all later at the ceremony. I wished them well. The woman was clearly a petty bully who had singled me out for some bizarre reason, in the way that bullies do, and the prospect of me spending all afternoon in a room with her and her pupil sidekicks (one of whom I suspected was her son, as they were physically rather similar and she spent a lot of time muttering with him in a very exclusive way, sitting very close) was to me, quite frankly, highly unappealing to say the least. The organisers said that was a shame, and I should stay, as I was one of the prizewinners, so I hung my coat back up and put my stuff down again.

She then let rip even more and got threatening. She said I would be in big trouble with her headmaster, that this had been presented as a sixth form workshop for pupils and their teachers, that they had come all this way, that I was outrageous, I was disgusting, she had never met anyone as horrible as me, etc etc etc. It went on for one or two very long minutes until she drew breath. I then said (and I am not proud of this, but it did get rid of her) "Have you finished?" She just looked at me. I then said, "There's the door" and she flounced off with her coterie, muttering into the distance, leaving the one prize winning pupil behind to take part in the workshop. (I later worked out this boy was a native speaker of the target language but attending an English school and had most likely cheated by entering the school category rather than the native speaker one, but in actual fact he had only come fourth in his category anyway - runner-up - so it was not the end of the world).

The workshop went OK, after I explained I was not a horrible person and I was actually someone who loved writing and was trying a risky challenge here. In fact, the writer hosting the workshop was absolutely lovely and everyone really enjoyed it. But the shadow of the strange woman hung over it for me.

Then we went down to the evening ceremony, which was due to start in about 20 minutes time. There the bully teacher woman was again. In fact she floated around the entire space announcing in a very loud voice to anyone standing around how badly she had been treated and what a horrible person I was, over and over and over again, to anyone who would listen, making sure I was in earshot the whole time. Luckily my DH had arrived for the ceremony, so I stood with him, completely ignored her, chatted politely to a few participants and organisers from time to time, and I reckon she didn't dare come over to me because he was there (he looks very proper and CEO-like so people tend not to have a go). She then sat on the front row with the entourage from her school flanking her. Luckily she shut up during the ceremony although I would not have been surprised if she had sprung up while I was on stage to make some sort of objection, like the mad person at the wedding in a Hollywood film. I would have left at that point if DH hadn't been there, quite frankly.

Then afterwards there was a drinks party and she carried on slagging me off around the room loudly. I just ignored her and chatted nicely to a few other people, all of whom were lovely. We left pretty soon afterwards. DH took me out for a nice supper. DH is wonderful.

I have to say though that I am still feeling quite disorientated and a teensy bit upset by the proceedings and I really didn't like being painted as an evil person. Nor do I like not feeling I handled it as well as I might have done (although I was pleased at my sophisticated and very adult anger management skills as I actually wanted to bash her on the head with my handbag quite a lot of the time, but calmed myself down and behaved in a very dignified way). Clearly, though, this woman has major problems, to behave like that in public. WIBU to object to her being in the workshop?

I wish AuldAlliance or ScottishMummy had been there as they would have dealt with this woman magnificently.

OP posts:
Flowersinyourhair · 04/03/2017 08:36

The only part of your OP that is unreasonable is that bit when you said you're not proud of yourself for pointing out where the door was! I think that was magnificent!! Well done for standing up to her and I agree totally that you should write to the organisers (who frankly should have dealt with this so you didn't have to) and her headteacher.

Icapturethecast1e · 04/03/2017 21:30

You shouldn't have had to stand up for yourself. The hosts should have stepped in to handle the situation. Explicitly reminding that women that threatening behaviour will not be tolerated at any time. She could have ruined your well deserved prize.

JuneJuly · 05/03/2017 15:10

She probably enters students every year and, no doubt, at least one of them wins a placed prize each time (particularly if they or their parents are native speakers of the language). Therefore they have an air of entitlement to be there and go around acting like they own the place/set up.

I imagine the organisers have come across her before but this is the first time anyone has confronted her, rendering them all gobsmacked.

I think it is important to write to her Head for the sake of clarity so she does not attempt this attitude of entitlement at this or other future events again - for the sake of her own students and of other people who may feel intimidated by her.

joanopie · 06/03/2017 10:45

I thought you handled it brilliantly. You were polite - she was not. You were straight to the point and dignified in your responses. Furthermore, for her to carry on slagging you off is very bad taste. I too have attended creative writing workshops (congratulations on 2nd place btw) but have never encountered anything like this. It sounds as if she was from a private school and had a sense of entitlement - she did not. You were quite right in your responses, and in fact the person running the workshop should have insisted at the beginning that she leave.The organisers are at fault here and you have done their jobs for them. Rest assured, everyone she spoke to will sense/know that it is her who is horrible, not you. You kept a dignified silence at the ceremony - she did not. They will have seen through her and know it is just sour grapes.

SabineUndine · 06/03/2017 11:38

Jeez can you imagine having to work with someone that awful? OP I'm so glad you stuck to your guns. She clearly showed herself up no end and she's going to lose a LOT of face back at the school as the kids will gossip. She sounds like one of those people who just grab whatever they want and ignore everyone else. To be fair to the organisers, it's hard to deal with that level of bad manners.

mammamic · 06/03/2017 14:43

I would definitely contact the school. The head and board need to know about this.

seriouslyenoughalready · 06/03/2017 15:23

She's a narcissist and you exposed her.
(the following is pinched from Wikipedia but this is what happened)

"Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury, which is a perceived threat to a narcissist's self-esteem or self-worth.
Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist feels that their hidden, 'true self' has been revealed. This may be the case when the narcissist has a "fall from grace", such as when their hidden behaviors or motivations are revealed, or when their importance is brought into question. Narcissistic injury is a cause of distress and can lead to dysregulation of behaviors as in narcissistic rage"

She then went around belittling you in an attempt to get others on side to get her (skewed) 'side' of the story across before they learned the truth from others .

The point of this is to to say, do not take her behaviour personally! She was behaving according to an acute awareness of her own deficits and attacking you as a defence to herself to protect her fragile ego ( i suspect she's never been a winner........)
Congratulations and don't let it taint your memory of the event :)

LagunaBubbles · 06/03/2017 15:56

I pointed out the woman was working up to some sort of bullying episode, and that the rest of the group hadn't heard what she had been muttering behind her hand, but the other winner said she would have let it lie anyway

Which is exactly why bullies get away with awful behaviour, because so many people think like this.

emmyrose2000 · 07/03/2017 04:24

You shouldn't have had to stand up for yourself. The hosts should have stepped in to handle the situation. Explicitly reminding that women that threatening behaviour will not be tolerated at any time. She could have ruined your well deserved prize

Exactly. It's not up to participants to have to run security for an event. It's something the people running it should be doing.

Crazy lady did it this time because she's gotten away with it a lot of other times (at different locations). OP, you're letting her get away with it again by not reporting it to the school and taking a harder stand with the organisers. By rights she should've been banned permanently and her school informed why. The so-called organisers sound like spineless wimps.

One day she'll meet someone who'll respond with violence and it won't be pretty. I'll only feel sorry for any innocent bystanders.

BoffinMum · 07/03/2017 18:02

I really liked the post about Phyllis Crane. I am tempted to get a t-shirt made up with 'What Would Phyllis Do?' so I can channel her at all possible opportunities in future.

Mindful of the fact that many people have posted about how toxic this is in RL and how she probably makes a habit of it, I spoke to some colleagues discreetly about the situation and decided to alert the head. He has been very nice and is, as they say, dealing with it. I've had an apology from him on behalf of the school.

You do wonder if she'll kick off and start bullying him now, when he raises it. Hopefully he will be able to close that sort of thing down.

OP posts:
kali110 · 07/03/2017 21:31

Good op! I hope he does something about it! God knows what she's teaching her students Hmm

mimishimmi · 08/03/2017 05:17

I always liked Miriam Margolyes. When did she ever act in a part like that?

graciestocksfield · 08/03/2017 05:23

Well done for not smacking her into next week at the drinks reception!

Definitely report her to.the school. What a cow.

PussInCoutts · 08/03/2017 05:44

Well done OP.

I'm just Shock at that woman and her behaviour, words fail me.

I'm also Shock at how people can just passively stand by and watch someone verbally assault another person.

Well done for informing the head, this woman sounds toxic and quite possibly psychologically dangerous to her pupils.

BoffinMum · 08/03/2017 10:08

If I had seen someone else behave like that I would have said something like "I am sure we don't need to have a scrap about this. Why don't you wait in a coffee shop and we'll see you later?" Had it escalated, I would had said, "Does this need to get personal? Is it worth fighting over? Shall we all calm down a bit?"

I did the others were pretty wet just watching her rant and doing nothing.

OP posts:
latoyawnoble · 08/03/2017 18:21

This reply has been deleted

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BoffinMum · 08/03/2017 21:54

I wonder what that person posted!

OP posts:
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