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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My competition win was hijacked by a very strange woman (bit of a long saga)

217 replies

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 11:22

This is in AIBU because I genuinely want to know if I was, but it's borderline personally upsetting so please don't be too robust when you respond.

So I came second in a creative writing competition in another language. I was pretty pleased about this as I had last studied it at school. There were categories for secondary aged pupils, university students, native speakers and people like me (random grown ups, basically). So about 2/3 of the people there were adult winners, i.e. not at school.

The prize was a creative writing workshop with a celebrated writer. Very exciting, although I was a bit nervous about writing in the other language as I haven't done much of that for years. I speak the language really fluently with a native accent (can't say more without outing myself), but I don't write in it very often, because I never went to school or university there, so I am a bit self-conscious about things like spelling and perfect grammar, perfect idioms, etc. Admittedly I am a bit of a perfectionist. Anyway I turned up to the workshop, and waited.

Everything in the waiting area was fine except there was a woman who turned up with three independent school sixth form kids in school uniform (no other kids were in school uniform). She was, shall we say, something of a strong personality, a bit loud, and kind of dominating proceedings. In the movie of her life, I later joked to my DH, she would be played by Miriam Gargoyles at full throttle. I am sure you all know the type. But there's no law against being like that, free country, takes all sorts, etc etc. We didn't actually have anything to do with each other before the workshop.

Eventually we were divided into small groups and all the prize winners went into the workshop room with their assigned author. This woman, with the kids in school uniform, said "We're coming with him" and followed us into the workshop and plonked herself down. I wondered if she was someone's mum. We started with a bit of who we all were and so on, in the target language. She then starting muttering behind her hand to one of the sixth form students that my language skills were poor and I could not speak properly, and sniggered. This made me feel very uncomfortable - I know I speak the language just fine, I certainly was one of the better speakers in the room, and normally I would just ignore something like this on the grounds that she didn't know what she was talking about, but she had actually touched on a nerve. From my point of view, here I was being brave and exposing myself psychologically, and she was essentially starting to be a bit of a bully in the workshop, with a weird agenda. I wouldn't have minded them joining in if they were nice, but they weren't being nice. They were playing strange and inappropriate psychological games and sucking me into something I didn't like. I did not need to be picked on by a bully at that exact moment in my life, so I decided to be vigilant and sort her out if it came to that.

She sniggered about me a bit more, so then I asked her whether she was one of the prize winners. She announced she wasn't, but that one of her pupils was, and she and her other pupils had been invited to the workshop so that was why she was there. Now I could see the organisers hadn't been expecting her, and I had received the same congratulatory email as everyone else, and this was most emphatically not the case - guests were invited to the prize ceremony in the evening but not to the workshop. In addition, no other students and teachers had turned up, which made it even more obvious to everyone that she had misunderstood the email her winning student had received, and was effectively gatecrashing the event. So I responded that this was surprising, as the prize for the competition was supposed to be this workshop, and guests were invited to the evening ceremony but obviously not the workshop, as that was meant to be the prize. She said she was entitled to be there. So I said that if she hadn't entered or won, then I couldn't see what she was doing here. I added that personally speaking, this was quite a brave thing for me to be doing, and I would be grateful therefore if it could be kept to prize winners only, as originally agreed, and not language teachers and their guests. Apart from anything else, I pointed out, the group size would be very large if extra people came in.

She then let rip. I was a horrible person, I was a nasty person, she had never met anyone like me, this was outrageous, I was appalling, etc etc. I was personally attacked in front of all the other prizewinners and the organising committee. They all stood there like rabbits paralysed in the headlights. None of them did anything. We all slightly died of embarrassment.

I got my coat, and very politely said that if this was the basis on which the workshop was happening, I did not feel it was a psychologically safe space for me personally to be doing something artistic such as creative writing, and that I was going to leave and see them all later at the ceremony. I wished them well. The woman was clearly a petty bully who had singled me out for some bizarre reason, in the way that bullies do, and the prospect of me spending all afternoon in a room with her and her pupil sidekicks (one of whom I suspected was her son, as they were physically rather similar and she spent a lot of time muttering with him in a very exclusive way, sitting very close) was to me, quite frankly, highly unappealing to say the least. The organisers said that was a shame, and I should stay, as I was one of the prizewinners, so I hung my coat back up and put my stuff down again.

She then let rip even more and got threatening. She said I would be in big trouble with her headmaster, that this had been presented as a sixth form workshop for pupils and their teachers, that they had come all this way, that I was outrageous, I was disgusting, she had never met anyone as horrible as me, etc etc etc. It went on for one or two very long minutes until she drew breath. I then said (and I am not proud of this, but it did get rid of her) "Have you finished?" She just looked at me. I then said, "There's the door" and she flounced off with her coterie, muttering into the distance, leaving the one prize winning pupil behind to take part in the workshop. (I later worked out this boy was a native speaker of the target language but attending an English school and had most likely cheated by entering the school category rather than the native speaker one, but in actual fact he had only come fourth in his category anyway - runner-up - so it was not the end of the world).

The workshop went OK, after I explained I was not a horrible person and I was actually someone who loved writing and was trying a risky challenge here. In fact, the writer hosting the workshop was absolutely lovely and everyone really enjoyed it. But the shadow of the strange woman hung over it for me.

Then we went down to the evening ceremony, which was due to start in about 20 minutes time. There the bully teacher woman was again. In fact she floated around the entire space announcing in a very loud voice to anyone standing around how badly she had been treated and what a horrible person I was, over and over and over again, to anyone who would listen, making sure I was in earshot the whole time. Luckily my DH had arrived for the ceremony, so I stood with him, completely ignored her, chatted politely to a few participants and organisers from time to time, and I reckon she didn't dare come over to me because he was there (he looks very proper and CEO-like so people tend not to have a go). She then sat on the front row with the entourage from her school flanking her. Luckily she shut up during the ceremony although I would not have been surprised if she had sprung up while I was on stage to make some sort of objection, like the mad person at the wedding in a Hollywood film. I would have left at that point if DH hadn't been there, quite frankly.

Then afterwards there was a drinks party and she carried on slagging me off around the room loudly. I just ignored her and chatted nicely to a few other people, all of whom were lovely. We left pretty soon afterwards. DH took me out for a nice supper. DH is wonderful.

I have to say though that I am still feeling quite disorientated and a teensy bit upset by the proceedings and I really didn't like being painted as an evil person. Nor do I like not feeling I handled it as well as I might have done (although I was pleased at my sophisticated and very adult anger management skills as I actually wanted to bash her on the head with my handbag quite a lot of the time, but calmed myself down and behaved in a very dignified way). Clearly, though, this woman has major problems, to behave like that in public. WIBU to object to her being in the workshop?

I wish AuldAlliance or ScottishMummy had been there as they would have dealt with this woman magnificently.

OP posts:
thetemptationofchocolate · 02/03/2017 12:37

When I got to 'Have you finished?' and 'There's the door' I was cheering. Superb use of language OP, no wonder you are a prizewinner for writing.

Bullies are horrible however old they are but you did brilliantly well.

HamletsSister · 02/03/2017 12:38

She will have form for this. You write to the Head and you will find that it is adding to a file of complaints for her behaviour. That she did it in public and also at a prestigious event reflects very badly on the school. Private schools have to be seen to be doing a good job in public in order to maintain a reputation and attract fee paying pupils.

Write the letter - please do!

Justanothernameonthepage · 02/03/2017 12:39

If this is typical of her behaviour, I wouldn't assume the headteacher would simply ignore the letter. There's a possibility they'd jump on it as a reason to place her on warning and at the very least I'd expect a written apology from the school. (A friend complained about a TA who acted horrendously in public on a school trip and it turned out to be the excuse they needed to take action. Once that happened, a lot of stories came out about her behaviour, but no-one felt able to complain).

HughLauriesStubble · 02/03/2017 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 02/03/2017 12:42

I must say I'd be tempted to write to the school. If you don't want to be labelled from the off as female (dispiriting though it is to accept this, you may be right that it would be a hindrance to getting the HT to take you seriously) just sign off as B. Mum and if you have a Ph.D. or very professional sounding job title shove that in too.

I'd certainly contact the organisers. Thank them for the prize but mention that you feel there might be room next year to be clearer about who is entitled to attend the workshop, and why this matters. No need to linger on what happened this year, as I doubt anyone who attended will have forgotten Cow Woman just yet!

You did really well. Congratulations on your prize!

steppemum · 02/03/2017 12:44

OP - I think you ar eamazing!

Most people would not have been brave enough to challenge whether or not she should have been there.
Most people would not have stuck to their guns when she ranted, and
Most people would not have been brave enough to do the "there's the door" part!

Good for you! Shame the organisers didn't stick up for you and sort it out!

Doyouwantabrew · 02/03/2017 12:46

What a nasty bitch, I would defiantly write to the organisers and copy the letter to the school. Flowers

insan1tyscartching · 02/03/2017 12:48

Well done on the competition win and also on being courageous enough to challenge a bully and maintaining your dignity when she was obviously trying to cause a scene later. Flowers
I would write to both the organisers and the school she was representing as she wasn't doing them any favours.

HeyRoly · 02/03/2017 12:50

Good for you for sticking up for yourself!

VERY poor of the event organisers to admit gatecrashers in the first place though.

Meluzyna · 02/03/2017 12:52

Another one in total admiration at the way you stood up to a bully, BoffinMum!
It needs to be done, but it's a thankless task which requires real courage, as you discovered. Well done for standing up and being counted!
I, too, think you should write to her Head Master as if he is ever to do anything about her he needs written evidence, not just mutterings on a MB.

daisychain01 · 02/03/2017 12:54

Must say the event organisers sound like a bunch of spineless twats though. I can't fucking stand that, people standing round all ineffectual

YY This

The organisers should have stayed in control throughout, checked her credentials and exercised the 'rules of the game'. She was not eligible to attend the workshop and should not have been allowed in.

I'm amazed that when she was ranting on at you that the organisers didn't immediately take command and kick her out.

OliviaStabler · 02/03/2017 12:57

I agree with a PP, she got angry as she was caught out. I bet her MO is to be loud and angry whenever this sort of thing happens so she intimidates people and they let her have her own way for a peaceful life. What kind of batshit person walks round for the entire reception being passive aggressive about someone else.

kali110 · 02/03/2017 13:00

I would be finding out the school she was from and be sending a formal complaint to the headmaster.
She was there with a pupil, so was she supposed to be looking after her pupil?
This is not the correct way to behave.
If i didn't get far i would take it futher( i am not a complainer) but i would not stand by and let someone be abusive towards me, especially when she is in this field of work!

kali110 · 02/03/2017 13:02

I would also conplain to the organisers, they should not have let her behave this way towards you.
Really shocked that this woman thinks this is the correct way to behave when she is representing her school Shock
Wth does she teach her pupils???

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 02/03/2017 13:04

Yes - do write to the headteacher. If she's like that in public she's probably like that at school. Excellent responses from you at all stages, and also congratulations!

anothermalteserplease · 02/03/2017 13:05

How strange. Her attitude must have made it incredibly awkward for everyone.
Well done on the creative writing though. Try not to dwell on it. Email the organizers and thank them but I probably wouldn't mention the woman nor contact the school. That way you can put it behind you quicker and focus on the positives.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 02/03/2017 13:18

Congratulations on your prize Op. I can understand how you won it, you write really well. I am another one thinking you could write about this in experience in a creative writing or play.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 02/03/2017 13:21

I know what will happen if I write to the Head. He will assume it is my word against hers and fob me off

Alternatively, he already knows she's a rancid fruitcake and is positively desperate for proper evidence he can use to take some action. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't pay much attention, at best you might be the evidence he needs to sack her off.

I like the suggestion above of writing to the organisers and cc-ing the school - that will show both that you've taken action and will probably make him more inclined to take it seriously.

IamFriedSpam · 02/03/2017 13:24

Like PP have said I doubt the head would fire her based on the account of one stranger but on the other hand it might well add to a mounting stream of criticism about the way she behaves such that he speaks to her about her attitude. I can't imagine someone who behaves like this hasn't offended other people in the past.

DesertSky · 02/03/2017 13:30

Poor you. She sounds like a nutcase. I think you handled it very well!

facedontfit · 02/03/2017 13:32

You handled it beautifully. The organisers should have dealt with it. Now you have shown them how it's done perhaps it won't be a problem in the future!

Agree with others about contacting organisers/school - she was representing the school - didn't do a good job!!

Contact the organisers and cc in the headmaster, just so he is aware.

Devilishpyjamas · 02/03/2017 13:35

I'd email the school. As others have said it's difficult to get rid of teachers and while 99% are in the brilliant/good/useful/pointless but harmless cateogories a few are downright dangerous. I think this one may fall into that category if she is sniggering at people speaking a second language.

I have a teacher at ds2's school in my sights. One more comment about disabled people and my email will be winging its way.

K425 · 02/03/2017 13:44

You know, even if she does go with "your word against hers", being pulled up in front of the Head is just as scary when you're a grown-up as when you were a kid, and might shock her into being a bit less bullying, at least in public.

TheCarrotDiet · 02/03/2017 13:45

I very much doubt she reserves this sort of behaviour for writing workshops - staff meetings must be a nightmare! I expect the headmaster would find your account highly believable! Typical bullying behaviour in my opinion -she did as much as she thought she could get away with.

Well done on your win and for being so assertive.

TheCraicDealer · 02/03/2017 13:57

This woman was more than happy to spend an entire day criticising you loudly to anyone who would listen, so I really don't think that it is overkill to write to her Head about this. If she behaves like this in public, what is she capable of when dealing with young, vulnerable students in private?

I'm with Roomba here. You showed courage in standing up to this woman on the day, and now it might take a little more to stick your neck out and let the school know of her behaviour. Even if she thinks twice about getting on like that with a child as a result just once as a result, it would be worth it. It doesn't need to be a whole she said / she said thing, just be factual and to the point. Also point out that she was acting an ambassador for the school and she left no-one at that event with a positive impression. My old school went ape for that type of stuff.

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