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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My competition win was hijacked by a very strange woman (bit of a long saga)

217 replies

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 11:22

This is in AIBU because I genuinely want to know if I was, but it's borderline personally upsetting so please don't be too robust when you respond.

So I came second in a creative writing competition in another language. I was pretty pleased about this as I had last studied it at school. There were categories for secondary aged pupils, university students, native speakers and people like me (random grown ups, basically). So about 2/3 of the people there were adult winners, i.e. not at school.

The prize was a creative writing workshop with a celebrated writer. Very exciting, although I was a bit nervous about writing in the other language as I haven't done much of that for years. I speak the language really fluently with a native accent (can't say more without outing myself), but I don't write in it very often, because I never went to school or university there, so I am a bit self-conscious about things like spelling and perfect grammar, perfect idioms, etc. Admittedly I am a bit of a perfectionist. Anyway I turned up to the workshop, and waited.

Everything in the waiting area was fine except there was a woman who turned up with three independent school sixth form kids in school uniform (no other kids were in school uniform). She was, shall we say, something of a strong personality, a bit loud, and kind of dominating proceedings. In the movie of her life, I later joked to my DH, she would be played by Miriam Gargoyles at full throttle. I am sure you all know the type. But there's no law against being like that, free country, takes all sorts, etc etc. We didn't actually have anything to do with each other before the workshop.

Eventually we were divided into small groups and all the prize winners went into the workshop room with their assigned author. This woman, with the kids in school uniform, said "We're coming with him" and followed us into the workshop and plonked herself down. I wondered if she was someone's mum. We started with a bit of who we all were and so on, in the target language. She then starting muttering behind her hand to one of the sixth form students that my language skills were poor and I could not speak properly, and sniggered. This made me feel very uncomfortable - I know I speak the language just fine, I certainly was one of the better speakers in the room, and normally I would just ignore something like this on the grounds that she didn't know what she was talking about, but she had actually touched on a nerve. From my point of view, here I was being brave and exposing myself psychologically, and she was essentially starting to be a bit of a bully in the workshop, with a weird agenda. I wouldn't have minded them joining in if they were nice, but they weren't being nice. They were playing strange and inappropriate psychological games and sucking me into something I didn't like. I did not need to be picked on by a bully at that exact moment in my life, so I decided to be vigilant and sort her out if it came to that.

She sniggered about me a bit more, so then I asked her whether she was one of the prize winners. She announced she wasn't, but that one of her pupils was, and she and her other pupils had been invited to the workshop so that was why she was there. Now I could see the organisers hadn't been expecting her, and I had received the same congratulatory email as everyone else, and this was most emphatically not the case - guests were invited to the prize ceremony in the evening but not to the workshop. In addition, no other students and teachers had turned up, which made it even more obvious to everyone that she had misunderstood the email her winning student had received, and was effectively gatecrashing the event. So I responded that this was surprising, as the prize for the competition was supposed to be this workshop, and guests were invited to the evening ceremony but obviously not the workshop, as that was meant to be the prize. She said she was entitled to be there. So I said that if she hadn't entered or won, then I couldn't see what she was doing here. I added that personally speaking, this was quite a brave thing for me to be doing, and I would be grateful therefore if it could be kept to prize winners only, as originally agreed, and not language teachers and their guests. Apart from anything else, I pointed out, the group size would be very large if extra people came in.

She then let rip. I was a horrible person, I was a nasty person, she had never met anyone like me, this was outrageous, I was appalling, etc etc. I was personally attacked in front of all the other prizewinners and the organising committee. They all stood there like rabbits paralysed in the headlights. None of them did anything. We all slightly died of embarrassment.

I got my coat, and very politely said that if this was the basis on which the workshop was happening, I did not feel it was a psychologically safe space for me personally to be doing something artistic such as creative writing, and that I was going to leave and see them all later at the ceremony. I wished them well. The woman was clearly a petty bully who had singled me out for some bizarre reason, in the way that bullies do, and the prospect of me spending all afternoon in a room with her and her pupil sidekicks (one of whom I suspected was her son, as they were physically rather similar and she spent a lot of time muttering with him in a very exclusive way, sitting very close) was to me, quite frankly, highly unappealing to say the least. The organisers said that was a shame, and I should stay, as I was one of the prizewinners, so I hung my coat back up and put my stuff down again.

She then let rip even more and got threatening. She said I would be in big trouble with her headmaster, that this had been presented as a sixth form workshop for pupils and their teachers, that they had come all this way, that I was outrageous, I was disgusting, she had never met anyone as horrible as me, etc etc etc. It went on for one or two very long minutes until she drew breath. I then said (and I am not proud of this, but it did get rid of her) "Have you finished?" She just looked at me. I then said, "There's the door" and she flounced off with her coterie, muttering into the distance, leaving the one prize winning pupil behind to take part in the workshop. (I later worked out this boy was a native speaker of the target language but attending an English school and had most likely cheated by entering the school category rather than the native speaker one, but in actual fact he had only come fourth in his category anyway - runner-up - so it was not the end of the world).

The workshop went OK, after I explained I was not a horrible person and I was actually someone who loved writing and was trying a risky challenge here. In fact, the writer hosting the workshop was absolutely lovely and everyone really enjoyed it. But the shadow of the strange woman hung over it for me.

Then we went down to the evening ceremony, which was due to start in about 20 minutes time. There the bully teacher woman was again. In fact she floated around the entire space announcing in a very loud voice to anyone standing around how badly she had been treated and what a horrible person I was, over and over and over again, to anyone who would listen, making sure I was in earshot the whole time. Luckily my DH had arrived for the ceremony, so I stood with him, completely ignored her, chatted politely to a few participants and organisers from time to time, and I reckon she didn't dare come over to me because he was there (he looks very proper and CEO-like so people tend not to have a go). She then sat on the front row with the entourage from her school flanking her. Luckily she shut up during the ceremony although I would not have been surprised if she had sprung up while I was on stage to make some sort of objection, like the mad person at the wedding in a Hollywood film. I would have left at that point if DH hadn't been there, quite frankly.

Then afterwards there was a drinks party and she carried on slagging me off around the room loudly. I just ignored her and chatted nicely to a few other people, all of whom were lovely. We left pretty soon afterwards. DH took me out for a nice supper. DH is wonderful.

I have to say though that I am still feeling quite disorientated and a teensy bit upset by the proceedings and I really didn't like being painted as an evil person. Nor do I like not feeling I handled it as well as I might have done (although I was pleased at my sophisticated and very adult anger management skills as I actually wanted to bash her on the head with my handbag quite a lot of the time, but calmed myself down and behaved in a very dignified way). Clearly, though, this woman has major problems, to behave like that in public. WIBU to object to her being in the workshop?

I wish AuldAlliance or ScottishMummy had been there as they would have dealt with this woman magnificently.

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 02/03/2017 12:08

Definitely a wise move to write to the organiser - prizes aside you shouldn't have to act as bouncer for them. I've run invitation-only events before and handled people like her; you don't leave it to your participants.

it is not a school trip so bat shit teachers can bunk off school for the day with their pet pupils on a jolly

Oh I think you should write to the HT she threatened to run off and whine to and word it EXACTLY like that!

WonderMike · 02/03/2017 12:09

The organisers should have told her to bog off. Who else was in the workshop? It shouldn't have been up to you to police the guest list Hmm

I suppose if you get no where with the organisers, you could always contact her headmaster to see what he had planned for you Grin

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 12:10

Do you really think that, Berts? I got the impression that the general feeling was it was two bonkers middle aged women having a spat that they would rather not be witnessing. Which is why I got upset. It wasn't my problem she was there as a mistake or under false pretentions and as others have said, had she been a bit less domineering and bullying, I am sure nobody would have minded her and the other pupils joining in the workshop. I did sense she would have completely taken it over though.

OP posts:
Sallygoroundthemoon · 02/03/2017 12:10

You handled it brilliantly. Well done OP. Flowers

KoalaDownUnder · 02/03/2017 12:13

Everybody would have thought she was a massive dick on a stick.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 02/03/2017 12:13

She sounds like a peach.

Well done for winning, and well done for standing up to her. I can't believe the organisers left it up to you, and didn't just say the event was intended for the winners, not the runners-up and their coterie.

She's obviously used to people just rolling over and accepting her bad behaviour, otherwise she would have had a prepared speech as to why she was in the wrong place.

I would write to the school as well. Shit sandwich suggestion was good Wink

BertsBlanket · 02/03/2017 12:14

If they thought it was just two bonkers middle aged women they'd have let you leave as it would've made their lives easier. Honestly.

Roomba · 02/03/2017 12:14

I think you handled yourself magnificently and should be very proud of yourself. I agree with this 100%, well done for standing up to an outrageous bully.

This woman was more than happy to spend an entire day criticising you loudly to anyone who would listen, so I really don't think that it is overkill to write to her Head about this. If she behaves like this in public, what is she capable of when dealing with young, vulnerable students in private? She sounds emotionally unstable to say the least - I wouldn't want her teaching my children - so I think you need to inform the Head of her behaviour, politely and calmly (unlike her!). Your letter to the organisers sounds spot on. They will all know exactly what you are referring to and hopefully will act to stop this happening again.

Congratulations on the competition - you're right, it takes real guts to do something like this and you should be very proud of yourself Star Flowers Star

mummytime · 02/03/2017 12:17

You handled it brilliantly.

I would be inclined to report the bad behaviour to her head teacher - but does depend on the school - as some schools are all smoke and mirrors so might not care (and might have charged those parents for the privilege).

Dawndonnaagain · 02/03/2017 12:18

I strongly suspect she was angry because she'd been caught out and then was called out for it, Boffin. You behaved with elegance, eloquence and dignity, she spent the whole day, and the evening making a complete and utter fool of herself, not you. I have been to these type of gigs before and this sort of thing is not as rare as you think it would be. I make a point of going to see the person being badmouthed and frequently (not always, but usually) find that they're perfectly nice and the person being childish and bitchy is a twat.
Star Flowers Congratulations on your prize.

notanurse2017 · 02/03/2017 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrumpyOldBag · 02/03/2017 12:20

Well done for how you handled this.

I think you should follow this up with the competition organisers first, and it may then be appropriate for them to contact the Head teacher of the school.

ExplodedCloud · 02/03/2017 12:20

It wasn't two bonkers middle aged women having a spat though. One bonkers middle aged woman was a monumental twat and another middle aged woman called her out and told her to leave.
To be fair to the organisers they were probably more at risk of the school's wrath.

cowgirlsareforever · 02/03/2017 12:21

Firstly, a huge, huge congratulations to you Boffin for your fabulous win. It is a brilliant achievement. I have entered similar things in the past (and won) and when you consider the numbers you are up against, it really is testament to your talent. I have also attended writing workshops and they are very dependent on the goodwill of attendees to work in a collaborative and mutually considerate atmosphere. For this woman to gatecrash the workshop then speak to you in the manner she did is despicable. I really hope you accept that this is no reflection on you and your writing as from your account you dealt with it very well. I would be considering a strongly worded letter to the organisers (for not protecting you from her) and her Head.

Clandestino · 02/03/2017 12:23

I feel sorry for her pupils. Especially the one who took part at the competition while the language was his native language. I would never let DD take part at a competition in the languages we speak because she clearly has an advantage over others. That's totally unfair.
You conducted yourself in a very dignified way. I'd be probably slightly more confrontational and embarrassed her in front of her pupils by pointing out what she's doing is wrong.

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 12:23

The organisers gave her the benefit of the doubt and agreed with her the email was ambiguous. If it had been, then presumably various other teachers and non-winners would have been there??

I know what will happen if I write to the Head. He will assume it is my word against hers and fob me off, even though by any stretch of the imagination it would normally be a disciplinary matter. I do not care for being labelled as a fellow female fruit cake embroiled in a silly spat by the headmaster of a minor independent school in the provinces, obviously desperate for prizes and publicity at any cost.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 12:25

Clandestino, I may be wrong, but he sounded like a native speaker to me as his spoken and written language was far beyond that of an AL student and his name was very characteristic of the country whose language we were writing in, in fact, about as characteristic as it gets.

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 02/03/2017 12:27

Well done you, you should be very proud of yourself. She was completely bat shit crazy and I would think her head would be very interested in how she and her pupils represented the school. Encouraging the pupils to take the p ourt of someone is pretty crap for a teacher too.

WTF were the organisers doing? They should have spoken up and told her to leave, I would be writing to them and complaining about the way they handled it too, thats appaling. Not one of them had a word to say which is pretty ironic!

What you said was spot on and put her on the back foot in front of eveyone, you topped her dead in her tracks hence she flounced off. You should be very proud of yourself.

I would have expected your DH to go up to her to tell her to stfu or he would be contacting her head about her behaviour, I wouldnt let someone spend the whole night ranting lies about someone I know for no good reason tbh but glad you had a nice time regardles of her pathetic behaviour.

Definately complain to her head asap. God knows what else she is inciting her pupils to do inside and outside school, would hate to be a pupil in her class who isnt as quick to learn languages as she thinks I should, its not a nice thought.

Bipbopbee · 02/03/2017 12:27

Boffin I am nicking "Have you finished ?" for future reference Grin

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 12:30

bipbopbee Old teacher trick when faced with ranting teens Wink

OP posts:
TheProblemOfSusan · 02/03/2017 12:30

I think Berts has it right here too - she looked bad not you. And I bet part of the reason the organisers didn't step in is because they saw a nice confident sensible person fixing the problem for them.

Also, I think your profession makes it even! important to write to the Head - what if she goes off slagging you off then you end up working in conjunction with them or with a teacher from there one day?!

RhiWrites · 02/03/2017 12:32

I am a professional author (14 published titles) and I am HORRIFIED at the organisers of the event and how limp and pathetic they were when confronted with this gatecrasher abusing a prizewinner.

The woman is plainly bonkers but the organisation who gave you the prize should be dealing with this at the highest level. They failed you here. I'm disgusted with them.

RhiWrites · 02/03/2017 12:33

Just to add I think you should write a formal letter of complaint to the organisers.

DoodleDoodleDo · 02/03/2017 12:34

Do you know which school this woman was from? If so, I would write a letter about this incident to the headteacher. Her behaviour reflects badly on the school

Kiroro · 02/03/2017 12:37

What a totally bizarre thing for her to do! People are so freaking odd sometimes!

I do think you should complain to organizers for not dealing with it, and to her school.