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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My competition win was hijacked by a very strange woman (bit of a long saga)

217 replies

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 11:22

This is in AIBU because I genuinely want to know if I was, but it's borderline personally upsetting so please don't be too robust when you respond.

So I came second in a creative writing competition in another language. I was pretty pleased about this as I had last studied it at school. There were categories for secondary aged pupils, university students, native speakers and people like me (random grown ups, basically). So about 2/3 of the people there were adult winners, i.e. not at school.

The prize was a creative writing workshop with a celebrated writer. Very exciting, although I was a bit nervous about writing in the other language as I haven't done much of that for years. I speak the language really fluently with a native accent (can't say more without outing myself), but I don't write in it very often, because I never went to school or university there, so I am a bit self-conscious about things like spelling and perfect grammar, perfect idioms, etc. Admittedly I am a bit of a perfectionist. Anyway I turned up to the workshop, and waited.

Everything in the waiting area was fine except there was a woman who turned up with three independent school sixth form kids in school uniform (no other kids were in school uniform). She was, shall we say, something of a strong personality, a bit loud, and kind of dominating proceedings. In the movie of her life, I later joked to my DH, she would be played by Miriam Gargoyles at full throttle. I am sure you all know the type. But there's no law against being like that, free country, takes all sorts, etc etc. We didn't actually have anything to do with each other before the workshop.

Eventually we were divided into small groups and all the prize winners went into the workshop room with their assigned author. This woman, with the kids in school uniform, said "We're coming with him" and followed us into the workshop and plonked herself down. I wondered if she was someone's mum. We started with a bit of who we all were and so on, in the target language. She then starting muttering behind her hand to one of the sixth form students that my language skills were poor and I could not speak properly, and sniggered. This made me feel very uncomfortable - I know I speak the language just fine, I certainly was one of the better speakers in the room, and normally I would just ignore something like this on the grounds that she didn't know what she was talking about, but she had actually touched on a nerve. From my point of view, here I was being brave and exposing myself psychologically, and she was essentially starting to be a bit of a bully in the workshop, with a weird agenda. I wouldn't have minded them joining in if they were nice, but they weren't being nice. They were playing strange and inappropriate psychological games and sucking me into something I didn't like. I did not need to be picked on by a bully at that exact moment in my life, so I decided to be vigilant and sort her out if it came to that.

She sniggered about me a bit more, so then I asked her whether she was one of the prize winners. She announced she wasn't, but that one of her pupils was, and she and her other pupils had been invited to the workshop so that was why she was there. Now I could see the organisers hadn't been expecting her, and I had received the same congratulatory email as everyone else, and this was most emphatically not the case - guests were invited to the prize ceremony in the evening but not to the workshop. In addition, no other students and teachers had turned up, which made it even more obvious to everyone that she had misunderstood the email her winning student had received, and was effectively gatecrashing the event. So I responded that this was surprising, as the prize for the competition was supposed to be this workshop, and guests were invited to the evening ceremony but obviously not the workshop, as that was meant to be the prize. She said she was entitled to be there. So I said that if she hadn't entered or won, then I couldn't see what she was doing here. I added that personally speaking, this was quite a brave thing for me to be doing, and I would be grateful therefore if it could be kept to prize winners only, as originally agreed, and not language teachers and their guests. Apart from anything else, I pointed out, the group size would be very large if extra people came in.

She then let rip. I was a horrible person, I was a nasty person, she had never met anyone like me, this was outrageous, I was appalling, etc etc. I was personally attacked in front of all the other prizewinners and the organising committee. They all stood there like rabbits paralysed in the headlights. None of them did anything. We all slightly died of embarrassment.

I got my coat, and very politely said that if this was the basis on which the workshop was happening, I did not feel it was a psychologically safe space for me personally to be doing something artistic such as creative writing, and that I was going to leave and see them all later at the ceremony. I wished them well. The woman was clearly a petty bully who had singled me out for some bizarre reason, in the way that bullies do, and the prospect of me spending all afternoon in a room with her and her pupil sidekicks (one of whom I suspected was her son, as they were physically rather similar and she spent a lot of time muttering with him in a very exclusive way, sitting very close) was to me, quite frankly, highly unappealing to say the least. The organisers said that was a shame, and I should stay, as I was one of the prizewinners, so I hung my coat back up and put my stuff down again.

She then let rip even more and got threatening. She said I would be in big trouble with her headmaster, that this had been presented as a sixth form workshop for pupils and their teachers, that they had come all this way, that I was outrageous, I was disgusting, she had never met anyone as horrible as me, etc etc etc. It went on for one or two very long minutes until she drew breath. I then said (and I am not proud of this, but it did get rid of her) "Have you finished?" She just looked at me. I then said, "There's the door" and she flounced off with her coterie, muttering into the distance, leaving the one prize winning pupil behind to take part in the workshop. (I later worked out this boy was a native speaker of the target language but attending an English school and had most likely cheated by entering the school category rather than the native speaker one, but in actual fact he had only come fourth in his category anyway - runner-up - so it was not the end of the world).

The workshop went OK, after I explained I was not a horrible person and I was actually someone who loved writing and was trying a risky challenge here. In fact, the writer hosting the workshop was absolutely lovely and everyone really enjoyed it. But the shadow of the strange woman hung over it for me.

Then we went down to the evening ceremony, which was due to start in about 20 minutes time. There the bully teacher woman was again. In fact she floated around the entire space announcing in a very loud voice to anyone standing around how badly she had been treated and what a horrible person I was, over and over and over again, to anyone who would listen, making sure I was in earshot the whole time. Luckily my DH had arrived for the ceremony, so I stood with him, completely ignored her, chatted politely to a few participants and organisers from time to time, and I reckon she didn't dare come over to me because he was there (he looks very proper and CEO-like so people tend not to have a go). She then sat on the front row with the entourage from her school flanking her. Luckily she shut up during the ceremony although I would not have been surprised if she had sprung up while I was on stage to make some sort of objection, like the mad person at the wedding in a Hollywood film. I would have left at that point if DH hadn't been there, quite frankly.

Then afterwards there was a drinks party and she carried on slagging me off around the room loudly. I just ignored her and chatted nicely to a few other people, all of whom were lovely. We left pretty soon afterwards. DH took me out for a nice supper. DH is wonderful.

I have to say though that I am still feeling quite disorientated and a teensy bit upset by the proceedings and I really didn't like being painted as an evil person. Nor do I like not feeling I handled it as well as I might have done (although I was pleased at my sophisticated and very adult anger management skills as I actually wanted to bash her on the head with my handbag quite a lot of the time, but calmed myself down and behaved in a very dignified way). Clearly, though, this woman has major problems, to behave like that in public. WIBU to object to her being in the workshop?

I wish AuldAlliance or ScottishMummy had been there as they would have dealt with this woman magnificently.

OP posts:
Witchend · 02/03/2017 17:04

I think you handles it well.

I would be the person in the corner gently simmering irritation that she thought she could just come in when it was a prize. And feeling very very pleased that you confronted her and she was removed.

I bet the boy she was with was thrilled with you too.

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 17:06

Fair point GeorgetheHamster - I was trying to get across the sheer, utter parochialism of the whole silly business.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 17:08

What was rather odd was the way her pupils behaved as though they owned the place and that her behaviour was normal. If my teacher had done that, I would probably have slunk off in sheer embarrassment. Clearly something down there on Planet Gargoyle has normalised utterly crass behaviour. then again she probably told them they were all specially invited so they thought I was odd for insisting they weren't.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 02/03/2017 17:13

Just to play devil's advocate for a moment, if one of the winners was of secondary school age, might her presence have been required officially as a chaperone? As to be in a workshop with the author and no other responsible adult might have been a safeguarding issue, the author wouldn't necessarily be DBS checked, so a teacher has to be present too?

kali110 · 02/03/2017 17:14

Op if there are repercussions for her they are deserved!
What do you think the pupils have taken away from this experience?
Bully and harass a person till you get your own way?
What do you think she is like at school? I bet this is not an isolated incident.

2017SoFarSoGood · 02/03/2017 17:15

I'm afraid I just have to say it, no other words shall suffice in this instance: You Go Girl! Yes, you were superb. I'm so sorry that you were the lone voice of reason in the group. I'm amazed you managed to remain so dignified throughout even your handbag must have practically leapt up to get at her and that you kept that up throughout the entire event.

Congratulations on the win! Flowers Star

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 17:15

I think he was probably 18 as the question never arose, quite frankly. This was all about her joining in the creative writing workshop as a participant, along with the other pupils who hadn't won, because they felt like it. She buggered off quick enough without any thought about DBS checks once I challenged her right to be there.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 17:16

Kali, I think they will have taken away that you don't get to take part in things if you a) don't read the instructions properly, and b) are rude to people. I hope.

OP posts:
Kiroro · 02/03/2017 17:24

This was all about her joining in the creative writing workshop as a participant, along with the other pupils who hadn't won, because they felt like it.

organizers should never have allowed it

melj1213 · 02/03/2017 17:53

Honestly, I would write to the school - if they don't believe you then that's their choice but I very much doubt that she has exhibited that behaviour at the workshop but has never shown it at the school, not to mention you have a room full of witnesses to her behaviour! Whether or not the email was badly worded, her attitude was not acceptable and that is not in question.

You say the school might struggle without her as it's a small plavce with a small staff - perhaps they would or perhaps they are desperate to get rid of her, but since they can't afford/don't have enough work to justify hiring a replacement teacher until they sack the current one they are stuck with her until they recieve a good enough reason to investigate her.

Dear Headteacher,

I have recently taken part in the ForeignLanguage writing contest that some of your pupils also entered and attended the Winner's Workshop with one of your students. Unfortunately, I am not writing to you in regards to them but in regards to the accompanying teacher and their behaviour which I feel you need to be made aware of.

On arrival your teacher was also attending with some other students, despite the fact the Winners workshop was for the winners only. It appeared that there had been some confusion as to who was actually invited to attend and as a goodwill gesture she was allowed to attend. However, as I was introducing myself to the group in ForeignLanguage she then preceded to make rude comments to your students in ForeignLanguage about my spoken aptitude, which I felt was not only rude but also inappropriate. Considering your school caters to international students I feel that it is inappropriate for her to be criticizing someone's attempts to work in a Foreign Language in a public setting and a teacher should be encouraging people to learn and be supportive of other's learning, and should not be behaving so unprofessionally, especially involving students.

After a few such comments I felt it necessary to directly respond to your teacher and ask her to stop as she was disrupting me and others despite not actually qualifying to participate in the session. It was at this point that she started to harrass me to the point at which I felt I could no longer stay, despite having earned my place at the workshop, purely because of her behaviour.

Upon speaking with the organizers I decided that I would stay and partcipate, and still your teacher continued her verbal assault, including claims that I would be in trouble with her head teacher. Your student behaved exceptionally throughout the entire situation and I very much enjoyed the things they brought to the workshop, once your teacher finally left so we could begin.

I understand that she may have been upset or embarrassed that she misinterpreted the email from the organizers, and I have myself spoken to them about what happened at the workshop and ways this could be improved in the future, but in no way does it excuse her attitude or unprofessional manner.

I wish I had not had to write such a negative letter, but as your teacher's behaviour was so unprofessional and inappropriate, I did not feel it was right to allow it to pass and not make you aware, considering she was therein her capacity as an employee and representative of your school.

Regards.

B. Mum

winobaglady · 02/03/2017 18:07

YANBU
You probably feel a bit bad and out of sorts because you feel you were forced to behave in a way that you're not used to.

I just wish you had insulted her in the foreign language too.

Look on it this way, you now have some material and characters for your next written piece!

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 18:19

The funny thing is, I can't remember who said what in which language now, because I had completely switched over to fluent mode and I was only really thinking about the behaviour and insults.

OP posts:
MargoChanning · 02/03/2017 18:20

Brilliant letter from Melj.

Sorry this happened to you OP. What a nasty cow she was! Sounds like you reacted with total grace and dignity.

tinglyfing · 02/03/2017 18:30

Congratulations on your prize!

And congratulations on sticking up for yourself in such a glorious fashion!

Win win! Double whammy!!

Get yourself some champagne, you deserve it! Positive day all round I would say! Smile

Cagliostro · 02/03/2017 18:47

Wow YWNBU you were awesome! Congratulations on the prize too :)

emmyrose2000 · 03/03/2017 02:24

You definitely need to write to the organisers and point out exactly what happened without hiding any of the facts. Melj1213 has a very good letter you could use.

What if she (or someone similar) bullies one of the teenage participants next time? It wouldn't surprise me if this episode put off some participants from trying again if they think this is what they'll be subjected in the future.

Frankly, I am utterly disgusted with the "organisers" at letting this continue, and I'd be very clear about that in the letter of complaint. She should've been shown the door as soon as it was noted that she shouldn't have been there, and if not then, then definitely as soon as she started harassing people. I disagree that the lady doing the workshop was a nice person as otherwise she would've stepped in and evicted the nasty, unhinged, batshit woman instead of letting her class be subjected to that insanity.

Crazy lady didn't "misunderstand" the letter. She willfully chose to ignore the very plain directives in it and went batshit because someone called her on it.

As for the school, who cares if they'll be short staffed or whatever if nutcase loses her job. That's not your problem. Between that, and revealing that the other middle aged lady in the class would've just let it lie (she's totally wrong BTW), it sounds like you're looking for excuses not to complain. Bullies need to be reap the consequences of their behaviour. She's crazy and shouldn't be around children (or anyone really). It really can't come down to you said/she said as you have a whole class witnesses' to back you up.

Believe me, no one is going to think you're the problem here. You handled it properly on the day (the only one who did). It's all on her, and she can't be allowed to get away with it (again, most likely).

cochineal7 · 03/03/2017 07:39

Your reaction was amazingly measured and effective. What an absurd situation to find yourself in though. If I read between the lines, would you have a potential conflict of interest in writing to her Head? I guess you may be working for OFSTED, or somewhere else in education? I suppose it is not really a conflict as she did this to you, but I would understand your hesitation in reporting it to the Head. Shame, as she should not get away with it. The organisers should be the ones writing of course, but they do not come out of this story covered in glory.

BoffinMum · 03/03/2017 11:56

Update: I have had a lovely email from the organisers not quite apologising, but agreeing that my interpretation of the function of the events and the exclusive nature of the workshop was correct, and that they are going to put various steps in place so this kind of thing doesn't happen again. I am more than happy with that.

I think their position is that they are not quite sure what is going on, but they are trying to be as even handed as possible and give the other person the benefit of the doubt in case their instructions in the email could be considered ambivalent in any way.

I think they probably ought to have had greater cojones in dealing with the silly woman and asking her to leave as she kept causing a scene and being verbally aggressive, but we're not talking about a nightclub here and this was a group of gentle, artistic people who were genuinely thrown by the strange turn of events, and just wanted to avoid any conflict whatsoever. We might think that is wrong, but not everyone has been on a course on how to handle difficult people, or learned to be assertive in public regardless of the flak one is getting, so it's very easy to be judgemental about this. I was more likely to be able to do it as I am used to students getting nasty and throwing tantrums when they don't get the marks they want, and threatening me with all sorts. Now don't get me wrong, I do mind when this happens, especially when I am called names, but I think it's equipped me rather better to rise about it and ask the simple question of what I want out of the interaction and how I might get most quickly to the position I want, in the spirit of the greater good. In this instance I wanted the workshop to be the one it was meant to be, rather than turning into a sixth form language education workshop with nearly half the representatives being from one school, a school that had a particular agenda. And expressing this desire was important. By doing so I stood up for my own right to be there on the stated terms, as well as the rights of the other participants. Fruitcake McGargoyle - how I love that name! - didn't like it because she felt her rights should be given more serious consideration than ours, and we should be forced to take account of them on whatever terms she decided, at whatever cost. Well, they weren't. And subsequently her highly vocal protestations bought her school into a degree of disrepute, and she impugned her own teacher professionalism. Eventually that will bring her down, unless she learns her lesson. I don't need to teach it to her, not this time, anyway.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 03/03/2017 12:35

At least that's some kind of result.

I always do find it depressing when organisers of large events don't step up to ensure the event goes smoothly and problems are addressed. This lot may have their heart in the right place but they are super wet.

BoffinMum · 03/03/2017 12:40

One of them did a very hard stare at the crazy lady and held the door back in a firm and disapproving way during the flounce Wink

OP posts:
chickenowner · 03/03/2017 12:41

I agree with PPs that you should contact the school about the teacher's behaviour. It wouldn't surprise me at all if she behaves like this in the staffroom every day, and I bet the rest of the staff can't bear her!

Punkatheart · 03/03/2017 17:28

May I just give you a big big hug. You did wonderfully, with someone vile. The organisers should have been much more assertive. Oh and well done for the competition win - please, please write some more (I am a professional writer). Put this woman in a story and kill her horribly!

Jaxhog · 03/03/2017 17:42

Good Job! And congrats of the prize.

Don't write to the school. Stay on the moral high ground, and leave it to the organisers to sort it out.

kali110 · 03/03/2017 17:44

I don't understand why you don't contact the school Confused they would be the first people i'd be complaining to, then the event organisers.

Brightredpencil · 03/03/2017 17:48

Definitely contact the school. If not for yourself, for the pupils. They should know that her behaviour as an adult is totally unacceptable. She let them down by misbehaving.