Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My competition win was hijacked by a very strange woman (bit of a long saga)

217 replies

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 11:22

This is in AIBU because I genuinely want to know if I was, but it's borderline personally upsetting so please don't be too robust when you respond.

So I came second in a creative writing competition in another language. I was pretty pleased about this as I had last studied it at school. There were categories for secondary aged pupils, university students, native speakers and people like me (random grown ups, basically). So about 2/3 of the people there were adult winners, i.e. not at school.

The prize was a creative writing workshop with a celebrated writer. Very exciting, although I was a bit nervous about writing in the other language as I haven't done much of that for years. I speak the language really fluently with a native accent (can't say more without outing myself), but I don't write in it very often, because I never went to school or university there, so I am a bit self-conscious about things like spelling and perfect grammar, perfect idioms, etc. Admittedly I am a bit of a perfectionist. Anyway I turned up to the workshop, and waited.

Everything in the waiting area was fine except there was a woman who turned up with three independent school sixth form kids in school uniform (no other kids were in school uniform). She was, shall we say, something of a strong personality, a bit loud, and kind of dominating proceedings. In the movie of her life, I later joked to my DH, she would be played by Miriam Gargoyles at full throttle. I am sure you all know the type. But there's no law against being like that, free country, takes all sorts, etc etc. We didn't actually have anything to do with each other before the workshop.

Eventually we were divided into small groups and all the prize winners went into the workshop room with their assigned author. This woman, with the kids in school uniform, said "We're coming with him" and followed us into the workshop and plonked herself down. I wondered if she was someone's mum. We started with a bit of who we all were and so on, in the target language. She then starting muttering behind her hand to one of the sixth form students that my language skills were poor and I could not speak properly, and sniggered. This made me feel very uncomfortable - I know I speak the language just fine, I certainly was one of the better speakers in the room, and normally I would just ignore something like this on the grounds that she didn't know what she was talking about, but she had actually touched on a nerve. From my point of view, here I was being brave and exposing myself psychologically, and she was essentially starting to be a bit of a bully in the workshop, with a weird agenda. I wouldn't have minded them joining in if they were nice, but they weren't being nice. They were playing strange and inappropriate psychological games and sucking me into something I didn't like. I did not need to be picked on by a bully at that exact moment in my life, so I decided to be vigilant and sort her out if it came to that.

She sniggered about me a bit more, so then I asked her whether she was one of the prize winners. She announced she wasn't, but that one of her pupils was, and she and her other pupils had been invited to the workshop so that was why she was there. Now I could see the organisers hadn't been expecting her, and I had received the same congratulatory email as everyone else, and this was most emphatically not the case - guests were invited to the prize ceremony in the evening but not to the workshop. In addition, no other students and teachers had turned up, which made it even more obvious to everyone that she had misunderstood the email her winning student had received, and was effectively gatecrashing the event. So I responded that this was surprising, as the prize for the competition was supposed to be this workshop, and guests were invited to the evening ceremony but obviously not the workshop, as that was meant to be the prize. She said she was entitled to be there. So I said that if she hadn't entered or won, then I couldn't see what she was doing here. I added that personally speaking, this was quite a brave thing for me to be doing, and I would be grateful therefore if it could be kept to prize winners only, as originally agreed, and not language teachers and their guests. Apart from anything else, I pointed out, the group size would be very large if extra people came in.

She then let rip. I was a horrible person, I was a nasty person, she had never met anyone like me, this was outrageous, I was appalling, etc etc. I was personally attacked in front of all the other prizewinners and the organising committee. They all stood there like rabbits paralysed in the headlights. None of them did anything. We all slightly died of embarrassment.

I got my coat, and very politely said that if this was the basis on which the workshop was happening, I did not feel it was a psychologically safe space for me personally to be doing something artistic such as creative writing, and that I was going to leave and see them all later at the ceremony. I wished them well. The woman was clearly a petty bully who had singled me out for some bizarre reason, in the way that bullies do, and the prospect of me spending all afternoon in a room with her and her pupil sidekicks (one of whom I suspected was her son, as they were physically rather similar and she spent a lot of time muttering with him in a very exclusive way, sitting very close) was to me, quite frankly, highly unappealing to say the least. The organisers said that was a shame, and I should stay, as I was one of the prizewinners, so I hung my coat back up and put my stuff down again.

She then let rip even more and got threatening. She said I would be in big trouble with her headmaster, that this had been presented as a sixth form workshop for pupils and their teachers, that they had come all this way, that I was outrageous, I was disgusting, she had never met anyone as horrible as me, etc etc etc. It went on for one or two very long minutes until she drew breath. I then said (and I am not proud of this, but it did get rid of her) "Have you finished?" She just looked at me. I then said, "There's the door" and she flounced off with her coterie, muttering into the distance, leaving the one prize winning pupil behind to take part in the workshop. (I later worked out this boy was a native speaker of the target language but attending an English school and had most likely cheated by entering the school category rather than the native speaker one, but in actual fact he had only come fourth in his category anyway - runner-up - so it was not the end of the world).

The workshop went OK, after I explained I was not a horrible person and I was actually someone who loved writing and was trying a risky challenge here. In fact, the writer hosting the workshop was absolutely lovely and everyone really enjoyed it. But the shadow of the strange woman hung over it for me.

Then we went down to the evening ceremony, which was due to start in about 20 minutes time. There the bully teacher woman was again. In fact she floated around the entire space announcing in a very loud voice to anyone standing around how badly she had been treated and what a horrible person I was, over and over and over again, to anyone who would listen, making sure I was in earshot the whole time. Luckily my DH had arrived for the ceremony, so I stood with him, completely ignored her, chatted politely to a few participants and organisers from time to time, and I reckon she didn't dare come over to me because he was there (he looks very proper and CEO-like so people tend not to have a go). She then sat on the front row with the entourage from her school flanking her. Luckily she shut up during the ceremony although I would not have been surprised if she had sprung up while I was on stage to make some sort of objection, like the mad person at the wedding in a Hollywood film. I would have left at that point if DH hadn't been there, quite frankly.

Then afterwards there was a drinks party and she carried on slagging me off around the room loudly. I just ignored her and chatted nicely to a few other people, all of whom were lovely. We left pretty soon afterwards. DH took me out for a nice supper. DH is wonderful.

I have to say though that I am still feeling quite disorientated and a teensy bit upset by the proceedings and I really didn't like being painted as an evil person. Nor do I like not feeling I handled it as well as I might have done (although I was pleased at my sophisticated and very adult anger management skills as I actually wanted to bash her on the head with my handbag quite a lot of the time, but calmed myself down and behaved in a very dignified way). Clearly, though, this woman has major problems, to behave like that in public. WIBU to object to her being in the workshop?

I wish AuldAlliance or ScottishMummy had been there as they would have dealt with this woman magnificently.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 13:59

One of the other winners in the group was a woman roughly my age and she said she would have let it lie. I pointed out the woman was working up to some sort of bullying episode, and that the rest of the group hadn't heard what she had been muttering behind her hand, but the other winner said she would have let it lie anyway.

OP posts:
Celticlassie · 02/03/2017 14:01

I would definitely write to the school. Her behaviour set a dreadful example to the children in her care and does not paint the school in a good light either. It's bullying behaviour to have gone on and on all evening, personally victimising someone and making them feel bad (and I don't tend to use the word 'bullying' lightly) In terms of them not believing you, she's probably that batshit in school too, so it'll come as no surprise.

HeyRoly · 02/03/2017 14:06

It doesn't matter what the other woman would have done. Some people don't have the guts to call people out for their behaviour. That doesn't mean that you were out of line - you weren't.

Quite aside from the gatecrashing, the woman lost her right to be there as soon as she started the juvenile whispering behind your back.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 02/03/2017 14:06

One of the other winners in the group was a woman roughly my age and she said she would have let it lie.

Then (like a lot of people) she's a bit of a wuss who lets too much lie. That's why unreasonable people like this exist - because they're enabled by people who "don't like confrontation" and would just "let it lie for a quiet life". If more people did what you did (and you handled it magnificently) Fruitcake McGargoyles would soon change her tune.

Kiroro · 02/03/2017 14:10

If more people did what you did (and you handled it magnificently) Fruitcake McGargoyles would soon change her tune.

100%

How many threads do you see on here with people getting hugely taken advantage of BECAUSE THEY DON'T EVER SAY ANYTHING

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 14:12

at Fruitcake McGargoyles. How very apt.

I have found her on the Internet (took me all of five minutes, nothing is private these days) and the school as well. It's hardly even a school, it's a tiny private sixth form for international students. It will be operating on super-tight margins and knowing how these places work it would present a major problem to them if she disappeared, so I seriously doubt they would do anything about this. Which is why I think she probably has form for behaving like this whenever she feels like it. She's probably running rings around the head.

OP posts:
TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 02/03/2017 14:19

Well done in winning your prize @BoffinMum. I'd write to the headteacher. I'm sick of bullies behaving like this. I don't always stand up to them because the flack can be so distressing. But I think you have nothing to lose with writing now.

Hissy · 02/03/2017 14:20

You were magnifica! Don't you even doubt that for a second!

Have you finished was an inspired choice and had the desired response. Shame on the competition runners not to have actually backed you up tho!

BoffinMum · 02/03/2017 14:21

It overlaps with the day job which is why I am holding back. I am just taking advice from a couple of v senior friends in the field.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 02/03/2017 14:23

I'm another published author and when I've held workshops I will NEVER have bystanders in the room! Any creative writing workshop needs to be a 'safe space' for want of a better term, for people to express themselves, and anyone just 'sitting in' will detract from that.

If nobody else, then the author him/herself who was conducting the workshop should have asked the woman either to leave, or to take part in the writing. I can't stand hangers-on!

PowerPantsRule · 02/03/2017 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeenAndTween · 02/03/2017 14:26

Dear Headteacher,

I recently met your pupil Jean-Paul Gautier at the workshop for non-native speakers of French being run as a prize for French writing. I would like to commend him for his behaviour throughout the day, and also for his quality of French - he could very easily be mistaken for being a native speaker.

However my enjoyment of the day was somewhat marred by the accompanying female teacher who seemed to feel she and other pupils also had a right to attend the prize-winners workshop. Please could you apologise to her for my desiring to keep the workshop to as advertised and objecting to her presence. It was unfortunate that she did not take the objection with good grace and that quite some discussion was required before she left. I trust that this will not occur again should a similar situation arise, as it did not show your establishment in a good light.

Yours sincerely

BoffinMum

kali110 · 02/03/2017 14:27

Op do notlet this stop you conplaining.
If she behaves like this in public, what do you think she is like at school?
We don't need someone like this shaping young minds Confused

Previously1488218868 · 02/03/2017 14:34

Just want to add, well done for winning, and for standing up to the bully. And thank you for Miriam Gargoyles, I really needed a laugh.

Vegansnake · 02/03/2017 14:36

Well done,you were amazing

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 02/03/2017 14:38

Hope your advisers can come up with an elegant and professional response!

ChasedByBees · 02/03/2017 14:41

I think it is disgraceful that the organisers didn't back you up and take control of the situation and remove her themselves. Sorry you were exposed to that but you handled it perfectly.

OfftheCuff · 02/03/2017 14:43

YANBU at all - you were bloody brilliant!

I'd be writing to the organisers to complain at their lack of support for you, their lack of swift eviction & dealing with this woman, and to seek an outline of how they will never let this happen again

I'd also be contacting the Head teacher of the school and making a complaint.

But brava! You were amazing Star Flowers

redexpat · 02/03/2017 14:44

Having read the OP its easy to see why you won a writing competition. Love the Miriam Gargoyles reference. Lovely story telling.

The other people in the room didnt do anything I think because they dont know how to resolve a conflict like this and they saw someone else doing it brilliantly. Its not something that is taught, youre just expected to pick it up, but if you never see it done how are you supposed to learn?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 02/03/2017 14:45

Tiny private sixth form with a uniform? Dear me, that tells its own story. Outward appearance will be all.

amusedbush · 02/03/2017 14:50

Had to laugh at Miriam Gargoyles I never knew she'd been called that grin It's Margolyes for the benefit of anyone who (albeit unlikely) didn't know

Ah, Professor Sprout from Harry Potter Grin

Evilstepmum01 · 02/03/2017 14:54

Well done you! for coming second in the competition and winning the prize, and for standing up to a vile bully!!

I like teenandtween's response! So pleasantly put!

Also loving 'Have you finished'?' Excellent standing up for yourself there! Bet your DH is proud of you and rightly so!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/03/2017 15:01

I think you responded perfectly to the batshit woman.
I'm very glad she left and have to agree that it's quite possible no one has ever stood up to her before.
Re. the other prizewinner woman - she could well just have been a people-pleaser who can't say no to anyone, so I really wouldn't worry about her reaction.
And the organisers wouldn't have told you to stay if they didn't want you to! If they honestly thought you were both as bad as each other, they would have shuffled you BOTH out of there. They didn't.

Congratulations, by the way.

Ginslinger · 02/03/2017 15:04

well done on winning your competition and I'm sorry that you were hijacked by that woman and super well done on standing up to her. Flowers

BurningBridges · 02/03/2017 15:06

I think the organisers are appalling, and they should have sorted it out. As they didn't I think you have nothing to lose by complaining to HT of private school and the organisers, in writing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread