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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think MIL could have been a bit happier about baby news?

186 replies

LondonMum79 · 01/03/2017 20:30

Told MIL today that baby no.3 is on the way. She made a face like thunder, and said "Oh ***. Well, it's your own business." And then she completely changed the subject.
It has left me feeling really upset but DH thinks I should just suck it up.

OP posts:

HailMarys · 02/03/2017 09:37

I'm not excusing any of the reactions described, the only acceptable overt response to this news is 'congratulations' of course but is there some kind of common theme/link here? Financial/housing situation not in great shape for the parents i.e. already struggling with 1 or 2 dc and now there's another on the way? Or as one poster mentioned her MIL is having to do childcare for 2 grandkids already so I can understand why she might be less than enthusiastic about taking on a 3rd as she's getting older.

Afraid not in our case - DH and I were in our late thirties, in perfect health, working in professional jobs, solvent, home-owners - and as we lived in a different country to the ILs, no one was going to expecting childcare on tap. The reason MIL shrieked 'An only is a lonely!' is because the fact that we were only planning on having one appeared to her a direct slap in the face, because she had eight children, and saw this as a rebuke.

WannaBe · 02/03/2017 09:38

I do think that in many situations there is often more to this, and because it's family the first thing they think is the first thing which comes out of their mouth, and pregnancy hormones likely also don't help with reaction to the reaction iyswim.

I also think that people idealise pregnancy news and imagine that the world is going to be overjoyed for them, when actually people have their own opinions and lives, and sometimes a pregnancy isn't such good news from the outside as it is to the people who are pregnant.

I know that if I got pregnant now the reaction from my mum certainly wouldn't be one of joy, as I am A, 43, and B, have a health condition which would likely be impacted by pregnancy, and C, have no money and am unemployed.

When my eXH announced that his gf was pregnant my internal reaction was "WTAF!!!!!" Because they hadn't been together that long, weren't living together, and DS had been an only child for almost thirteen years. Had he told me face to face I might have articulated what I felt or at the very least my thoughts may have shown in e.g. A facial expression. It's human nature. But as it was by text message it's far easier to say nothing. .

user1486499646 · 02/03/2017 10:20

My mum said ohwell if that makes you happy.. Me and dp were shocked still better than my sister who diddnt say a word and then just said ok..... They all love my ds now

CigarsofthePharoahs · 02/03/2017 10:28

When my mum told her mil she was expecting #3 (me) the reaction was one of disgust and she said "What did you have to go and do that for?"
No issues, she'd never been asked to contribute financially or do any childcare, she just simply did not approve of any of the decisions my Dad made, which included my mum!
The only responses I got were variations on "congratulations!"

Chocolatecake12 · 02/03/2017 10:47

After going through IVF I phoned my then mil to tell her I was pregnant, her reply?
' don't get too excited yet because it's early days and anything can happen'
No congratulations at all. I never forgot it.

Itmustbemyage · 02/03/2017 11:13

I'm a DM/MIL who reacted badly to being told that I had a grandchild on the way and I thought previously that when that happened I would be delighted, my 16 year old son told us on the phone that his girlfriend of two months was pregnant. They have no money and she had to move in with us as well, as otherwise they would be homeless. My granddaughter is here now and of course we love her to bits but it's not how I saw our lives panning out once our children were grown. It's hard to be happy when someone tells you about a baby in such circumstances.
But no excuse for other DM/MIL's reacting the way that they have unless there is a backstory.

tweezers · 02/03/2017 13:40

Congratulations OP. I do feel for you. I'm still mad whenever I think about MIL's reaction (my own parents passed away long before so She is my daughter's only grandmother) When I told MIL I was expecting my daughter (no 3) she repeated several times; "But OH TOLD me he doesn't WANT any more childen." (!!!!!) before trailing off into "well I just don't know what to say!" No childcare or financial contributions were required and extra child was not a burden to us. I stupidly told her when she rang because I was so excited, she had great satisfaction bursting the bubble. Of course I only thought of the best answer, "most people just say congratulations" half an hour later. She then lied to OH about ever having said any of that and pretended that I'd made it up, so that OH thought I was "over-reacting." or taking offence over an "innocent" comment. Sorry. After all these years. Still. Hopping. Mad.

milliemolliemou · 02/03/2017 14:20

@soubriquet possibly because she knew the challenge of extra kids?

ElbowArse · 02/03/2017 14:54

My MIL said something similar when we told her and FIL we were expecting #3:
MIL: oh and is that good news?
Me: well we wouldn't be telling you if it wasn't
MIL: So was it planned?
Me: that's really none of your business
MIL: But I'm not ready to be a grandmother again!

FFS. They babysit maybe twice a year whilst the kids are asleep, don't provide for us financially and offer no practical help. We're a happy, stable family with no worries, so absolutely no reason for this kind of reaction. To be fair, she went out the room and came back a couple of minutes later, apologised and said it was just a bit of a shock. We're not close.

ElbowArse · 02/03/2017 14:55

Oh and baby was very much planned and wanted with two m/c before arriving so I was a bit pissed off. She adores him now though.

Soubriquet · 02/03/2017 15:02

@soubriquet possibly because she knew the challenge of extra kids?

No not at all. She just likes to interfere and have things her way. Don't get me wrong I love my nan to pieces but she is very much of a busy body

Thattimeofyearagain · 02/03/2017 17:40

My fil and step mil did a full on visit to show disapproval.
Mil on the other hand burst into tears , grabbed me in a bear hug and smothered me with kisses whilst screaming / telling sfil to go and buy a bottle of champagne. Sadly departed now , lovely woman .
Congrats op

ragz134 · 02/03/2017 18:17

I still haven't forgiven my (non resident parent) dad for sending me a really shitty letter after my baby #2 news. How he was really disappointed etc etc. He had no right to comment as he was never there for me as a parent. But it still hurt.

Whatthesausage · 03/03/2017 04:26

When Dh told MIl about dc3 she abruptly said 'oh I knew she would get herself pregnant again' not realising she was on speakerphone cue DS1 who was 5 at the time 'Mum, mum how did ya get yourself pregnant '

Headofthehive55 · 03/03/2017 06:53

Mine suggested I shouldn't have number 3 as she wasn't finishing work yet so couldn't offer childcare. She didn't offer childcare for the first two so I was like . I think it wasn't what she'd planned for me, but I had a different idea.

UnbornMortificado · 03/03/2017 06:59

My mam said "I'm surprised your putting yourself through it" it wasn't meant nastily I've a late miscarriage and lost my son at 24 weeks.

She's probably got a point but this is our last try, I have DC but DH doesn't.

ClemDanfango · 03/03/2017 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witsender · 03/03/2017 07:31

myage yours are slightly different circumstances to the horrors shown here! I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't be over the moon at their 16 yr old becoming a parent.

neversleepagain · 03/03/2017 07:36

My mil is a pretty good at making me feel like shit.

When we told her I was pregnant her face went all sour and her reply was "well I won't congratulate you because it's early days and you never know what can happen" She then started talking to her dogs.

When we told her we I was having twins she replied "Oh, you just can't do anything properly"

When we told her we were expecting two girls she replied with a sigh "I really wanted two boys"

I was 32 weeks pregnant measuring 45 weeks in August and she took great glee in telling me how dreadful i look.

Needless to say I keep far far away from her now.

Enko · 03/03/2017 07:36

I have 4 and after number 2 people were no longer excited when we broke the news of us expecting.

A few years ago at the primary my children attended I was told by the grapewine a mother was expecting no 4. So when I saw her I told her congratulations and she burst into tears hugging me so tight (we were not that close more like chatter in play ground friendly) She then wiped her tears and said " Im so sorry but you are the first to have been positive about this pregnancy" Made me feel really sad that people felt that was it was ok to take someones joy away because their joy is different to yours.

Congratulations op.. My late mother responded " thats a HORRIBLE name when we named DS 13 years later she told me " I always liked His name it is such a good solid strong name" I resisted the urge to remind her of her reaction, I just had not forgotten and never will.

FrenchLavender · 03/03/2017 07:44

Without a bit more context I have no idea whether YABU or not. For example if your relationship is shit and on the verge of collapse or you have no job, or no money or severe depression or a physical disability that makes day to day caring for your children really hard, or your house is currently already overcrowded and you can't afford to move to a bigger one, and you harp on constantly about all or any of those things and she gets to hear about how you can't cope practically or financially then I would say her reaction would be totally reasonable and it's the sort of thing I'd probably say as well.

If none of the above apply and you are in a perfectly good position to be having a third child then yes of course YANBU.

maplepixie · 03/03/2017 07:58

Wow. Some MILs sound like right bitches who need a good slap! What nobheads!

catsaresomucheasier2 · 03/03/2017 08:04

Well congratulations from me!! I'd be asking her what the heck is her problem!!

catsaresomucheasier2 · 03/03/2017 08:07

Neversleepagain what a fucking horrible MIL what does DH do to stand your corner?

AQuietMind · 03/03/2017 08:09

WorriedGPPOV

I think you have made some good points there.

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