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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think MIL could have been a bit happier about baby news?

186 replies

LondonMum79 · 01/03/2017 20:30

Told MIL today that baby no.3 is on the way. She made a face like thunder, and said "Oh ***. Well, it's your own business." And then she completely changed the subject.
It has left me feeling really upset but DH thinks I should just suck it up.

OP posts:
FromAWorriedGPPOV · 02/03/2017 01:52

I'm not excusing any of the reactions described, the only acceptable overt response to this news is 'congratulations' of course but is there some kind of common theme/link here? Financial/housing situation not in great shape for the parents i.e. already struggling with 1 or 2 dc and now there's another on the way? Or as one poster mentioned her MIL is having to do childcare for 2 grandkids already so I can understand why she might be less than enthusiastic about taking on a 3rd as she's getting older.

To be honest when my stepson announced their 3rd was on the way a couple of months ago I said 'congratulations' but have to admit my heart sank so did DH's and I have it on good authority (hers) that DH's ex who lives nearer and thus gets landed with most of the childcare just basically threw her hands up and told them straight how irresponsible they were and that she was not up to taking on the baby if DIL is going back to work which she'll have to because otherwise they won't manage.

DH and I have been bailing them out of one financial/housing/separation crisis after another since the births of their first two 8 yrs and 6yrs and it's just getting to the point we can't keep doing it as we're approaching retirement. We'll adore the baby when he or she gets here just as we do the other two and so will DH's ex but honestly right now all we're seeing is the downside.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 02/03/2017 02:23

When my mum had Dsis2 (8th child) my very Catholic grandmother turned round and said 'for fuck sake, even the pope would tell you to use a fucking condom'. within a week of being born Dsis2 was her favourite grandchild.

SparkleSunshine201 · 02/03/2017 03:02

FromAWorriedGPPOV I think you have hit the nail on the head there. These kind of horrified reactions can't just come out of nowhere; I'm positive that there is a good reason in a lot of cases. Terrible ill health of the mother during pregnancy, using the grandparents as free childcare, being very young, unmarried, irresponsible, unemployed, low paying job and unable to support the family, borrowing money from grandparents etc. If any of my DC were in that situation I would be really upset if they announced a pregnancy! But I guess I'd have to quickly get over it and accept it.

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 02/03/2017 03:13

My MIL when I asked her if DH had lots of hair when he was a baby "you're not pregnant are you?"
Hmm

RebootYourEngine · 02/03/2017 03:15

I didnt congratulate my dsis when she was last pregnant. It was a case of 'not another one'. I wasnt happy about the situation in which she chose to have another child to a useless father who spend more time taking drugs than looking after his kids. I love my dn from the moment they were born.

LindyHemming · 02/03/2017 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pitchforktotheface · 02/03/2017 06:44

If you are happy about it then great, after all it's your baby. But you can't expect others to be happy for you, you do't get to dictate their emotions. Personally I think you are nuts, but then I think anyone who has more than one is nuts.

hesterton · 02/03/2017 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/03/2017 07:22

I think people have this image that pregnancy is the most wonderful thing on earth and has to be celebrated but reality is very different.

For many, it's great but equally for many it's a disaster for the child as there's not enough money, space, time etc to go round. For some pregnancy is a way to achieve a means.

From GPS point of view, they may feel subsequent children are too much for the parents for many reasons or it's yet another child that they will be looking after. I can see why many wouldn't be excited at another arrival.

RubyReins · 02/03/2017 07:30

We had the same reaction a few weeks ago when we told our families we were expecting number three. Lots of "FFS you're not!" and "you'll have to move! Have you thought about this?!" They have mellowed a bit now. Great isn't it?

angeldelightedme · 02/03/2017 07:32

How much does she do for your existing DC?

BillSykesDog · 02/03/2017 07:34

I'm not suggesting you do this OP. But it does amaze me that often people will spend a great deal of time moaning about how tired they are and how difficult it is and how hard they work and how awful they feel and what martyrs they are and how much they've had to give up and how skint they are. Then expect people to respond with delight to news the next is on the way.

Roomster101 · 02/03/2017 08:11

I don't think that you can necessarily expect family to be overjoyed that you are having a baby. It depends on your current situation and how well you manage with your current children (timewise and financially).

LineysRun · 02/03/2017 08:18

WorriedGPPOV explained it very well. There has been a fair bit of pissed-offness in a friend's family about her DD's third baby because of the expectation that family will provide gifts, free childcare, lifts, money and free accommodation. Friend is genuinely upset that once again her life and plans are expected to take a back seat to her DD's.

Her DD would say she doesn't have any expectations, that people offer. But she (the DD) phones and visits her mum very frequently and says that she is exhausted and unwell; and she does ask for babysitting and she does very frequently talk about not having enough money for basics and how much everything costs.

She (the DD) also disparages her partner on a regular basis, behind his back. Perhaps she's not even aware that she's doing this. I've been there when she's been doing it, and it starts off quite jokey but then it seems to turn quite barbed.

Maybe it's just crap communication, I don't know. But some grandparents DO feel genuinely pressured by the arrival of babies. Of course they love them very dearly - but these tensions do often come from somewhere.

Areasonablegal · 02/03/2017 08:20

What a bitch. She should be delighted. What a horrible reaction.

You oh is probably either embarrased or hurt....but if it were me id expect him to be having words as that was out of order.

witsender · 02/03/2017 08:33

Some parents have genuine worries, some create them. My husband and I are both professionals. We home ed our existing children and work round each other very happily. We have lovely, calm, relaxed lives as do our children. We own our own home, don't earn much but enough for hobbies and a holiday every year and are generally very happy.

Yet my mother insists on telling me how tired I am, how stressful my life is, what a lot I have to cope with. How my body is broken after 2 kids. That my job is so hard.

None of which is true, as I tell her each time she says it. Both my parents have this idea that I am not a coper...Because she isn't and she projects on to me. So I know exactly how she'll react when I tell her about our 3rd pregnancy, and it will put a dampener on it. I am a competent, capable adult with a happy life, yet she insists on trying to make it something it isn't.

yolofish · 02/03/2017 08:43

witsender my mum does that too, I ignore it.

Absolutely no reason for my PIL to express anything other than enthusiasm. We were married (still are!), working, had been together for years, totally independent etc etc. it was all about them.

diddl · 02/03/2017 08:44

I'm not sure that she has to be delighted, just not rude!

" Friend is genuinely upset that once again her life and plans are expected to take a back seat to her DD's."

That's up to your friend to let that happen or not though.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/03/2017 08:45

The first thing my MIL said to me was "Oh no, what's DH's ex going to say?"

This was 2 years after DH got married. Hmm

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/03/2017 08:46

sorry that should say DH AND I!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 02/03/2017 08:52

My mil was very lukewarm when we announced my second pregnancy - because I was 40 at the time. By the time she was 40 her eldest child (my dh) had left home, been through University and had a job! But I find it terrible to think that she was pregnant at 18 ... far, far too young, even in the 1960s.

PinkCrystal · 02/03/2017 09:01

Mine suggested abortion and offered to pay half!!

missm0use · 02/03/2017 09:13

DP had a conversation with MIL last night - during which she said "don't have a second baby for a few years, you won't cope!"
DD1 is 13 months old, we own our on home, I rent out two properties and am self-employed and DP has a full time job, she has NEVER been asked to babysit / provide childcare, we've never struggled with DD1.... and I'm 7 weeks pregnant just confirms why we won't be telling her for a while.

Laiste · 02/03/2017 09:24

There was no reasonable reason for my mother's reaction each time. The oh god for no1, oh really for no2, another one!? for no3 in a dismayed tone each time with face like a slapped arse Hmm

I was young, but married with my own home and could afford to be a SAHM - and they were all planned!

She told me from the off when i fell for DC1 that she wouldn't be babysitting or changing nappies and that was fine with me. I was a bit hurt, but thought - that's her choice, at least i know where i stand. And i never asked.

In hindsight a pattern has emerged over the years though and i know now that the 'i won't be babysitting' thing was a sly and desperate attempt to control the situation. ie put me off having a big family.

She does it all the time about loads of things. She gets very jealous of me and i can see now that the things she either ignores or pisses on from a great height are unfailingly things which i know she would have liked to have done herself but never did.

contrary13 · 02/03/2017 09:24

"It must be a miserable existence."

^ This! ^

When I told my mother that I was pregnant with DS, she literally screamed at me. Read me the riot act, so to speak - I already had a child (DD, who was 7 at the time), how would DD cope with another child in the family, how unfair having another child was on DD, she (meaning my mother) would no longer be able to spoil DD in the way she always had done, everything DD had would have to be shared, she (meaning my mother) loathed my partner, and so on. My partner (who is now my ex) and I had known each other since we were 11 years old, and although he's not DD's biological father, he had - at that point - always been in her life (we were best friends at school, he supported me emotionally through my pregnancy with her and adored her from their first meeting when she was four days old... we started dating when she was a year old).

DS was very much planned and very much wanted, although to listen to my mother to this day, you'd think he was an "accidental pregnancy". I spent a lot of time veering hormonally between crying over my mother's seeming hatred of my unborn baby and being absolutely furious about it. It got worse when I miscarried his twin at 8 weeks, because of her vile behaviour (we knew I was pregnant from about 2 weeks and, stupid me thought that I could tell my own mother and be emotionally supported as, the previous year, I lost a - planned and wanted - pregnancy... in hindsight, though, we suspect she was quietly dancing a jig of glee at this loss). Ex-P was away at the time, it was Easter Weekend, I had been told I had to get complete bed rest by my midwife until I could get a scan arranged to see if it was a miscarriage or "a normal breakthrough bleed", and my mother announced that she was taking my daughter to her house for the duration... and left me completely alone for four days. She wouldn't even let me speak to my own daughter. I spent that time unable to get hold of Ex-P or any member of either of our families, terrified, and apart from our two cats, completely alone.

During the counselling I had after this experience, it was suggested to me that my mother reacted in such a negative, nasty way because she knew that she could control both DD and myself, if it was just the two of us. The moment I became pregnant by/had a child with my ex-partner, there was a loss of control. We would be "a proper family", which she wasn't the central focal point of (my DD has a medical diagnosis of NPD, and I suspect, if my mother were to submit herself for conversations with a trained professional, she would, too. She has to be the centre of attention at all times and woe betide the rest of us, her adoring minions - in her eyes we're all adoring, anyway... although it's just my father that actually is!). When I was 5 or 6 months pregnant with DS, she summoned (yes, you read that correctly) Ex-P to "a meeting" with her, where she attempted to lay down the law to him. And he (God bless him!) stood up to her and told her that she wasn't getting her own way over our family. As it turned out, he was actually completely useless when I was giving birth to DS and in the weeks immediately prior to/after (he actually moved back in with his parents so that he could be looked after properly... leaving me alone with a bump that still thought it contained twins, two cats and DD to take care of. But I managed, and my best friend stepped in and helped a lot, when I couldn't drive my DD to/from school, etc.), but I was not going to allow my mother that control which she'd actually had over us ever again.

She is miserable. Personality wise, I mean. She has no friends, her two sons won't have anything to do with her, she's not seen her eldest grandchild (DB2's son) since he was a toddler, she's never met her youngest grandchild (DB1's son), she'll never meet her first great-grandchild who is due in April (and probably not any that might follow), her only granddaughter (DD) holds her in contempt despite the pandering to/spoiling of, and my DS knows she doesn't love or even like him... and returns that. She has my father (whom she treats appallingly), she sees me very rarely even though I live five minutes away from the house I and my brothers grew up in, she has no hobby, no job... nothing. It has to be a miserable existence - but it's the one she built for herself.

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your husband has your back in this, and that your MIL isn't anything like my mother towards you and yours. Flowers

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