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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my ex and son to wales

205 replies

user1488318718 · 28/02/2017 21:54

Name changed to generic for this.

Identifying but it's necessary.

I work full time as a shift worker. I earn minimum wage. I have always been kind to my ex and I love our son more than anything. I have him around two days a fortnight on average. I cannot have him set days as I work shifts that change.

I do always see my son though and I pay maintenance of £30 a week. This was calculated by the government.

Anyway, my ex never asks for anything, just the odd asking me to have our son for job interviews or emergencies.

What she does ask though, is I take her to wales to visit her family. It takes two hours each way so four hours of driving when I do take her down. She gives me £40 for petrol, and going to take her there and driving back/collecting her again costs £80 so she gives me half the petrol cost overall. She cannot afford anymore.

She could get the train but our three year old son is difficult on the train, she has a mile uphill walk from the train station to her house and there are three changes with waiting around.
Overall it takes 3hrs and 30 mins. She has always said if it was a direct train she would do it but it's the changes that are challenging and the car only takes 2 hours.

I've driven since I was 17 so never been on public transport.

My family have always said she is massively taking advantage of me and I should tell her to get the train (she can't afford driving lessons but is taking one a month and hoping to be at passing standard soon). That taking her to and from wales is ridiculous and she can get the train. I had a brief relationship with a woman who didn't agree with me making the journey either and said it was for her to make her own way there.

She goes around 5 times a year and stays for two weeks each time. She currently on income support but is job hunting and is a qualified teacher.

I have just told her that I cannot pick her up from wales this time and she will have to get the train. She was very upset.

I just feel that everyone is right and I'm being taken advantage of. I can't afford to pay for her ticket but would contribute something to her train fare.

AIBU to not take her and our son to wales/pick them up again?

Picking them up part of the way doesn't help much and she agrees.

So as not to drip feed, her parents are elderly and lonely so she goes to keep them company and is hoping to make a long term move nearer there. She has not settled in her current area and has no friends or support network to ask to take her down.

I compeltely understand why she needs to go, but as her ex, I don't think I should be continuing to take her. She left me, we've been split two years.

OP posts:
jojo2916 · 01/03/2017 09:58

Completely agree with almost. It's nice you and your ex have a good relationship but the fact she got very upset because you would not do her this favour shows she expects things from you which go over and above. Put the extra money in to doing something just for your son. If you decide to carry on taking her to Wales I understand it and I think it's nice of you but could be difficult if you want a new relationship. Better to completely move on from each other and concentrate on your son only IMO unless you are both not really wanting to move on to new relationships in the future in which case how much you do for your ex is no ones business but yours

SuchHysteria · 01/03/2017 09:59

I really wasn't judging but I am now ....

£10 a day when you are skinny is crazy. I know it's hard to give up but that's just ridiculous.

Astoria7974 · 01/03/2017 10:00

If he can't afford rent should move into a houseshare or parents. Your child should come before your personal comfort surelt.

WatchingFromTheWings · 01/03/2017 10:00

I've smoked since I was 14 and this takes around £10 a day. I have tried unsuccessfully for years to stop but I am never successful.

Utterly ridiculous. You pay a pittance for your child yet spend more than double on cigarettes. You should be ashamed.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 01/03/2017 10:04

Going by your latest post, she is being unreasonable. I get that her parents are tired and she wants to get your DS back to nursery, but if you have an appointment (which if you are in rented accommodation I presume has been set up by the landlord/agency) then you need to be there for that. It's up to her to make arrangements if she decides that she needs to come back and you aren't available - she cannot rely on you to be a taxi service that operates at her beck and call.

I suspect you are a carer and possibly on a zero hours contract - hence minimum wage, uncertainty over shifts and lots of driving to do. If I am right then the car expense is a significant one as you get minimal time between 'calls' and many agencies don't pay you for your travel time between appointments, which can have a serious impact on your earnings. I have a relative who was until recently working as a carer and her actual hourly rate was closer to £6.50 rather than the NMW of £7.20 once you factored in the unpaid travel time. Take into account rent, council tax, basic bills (heat, light, water, food), car insurance and fuel - there's not an awful lot left out of an average monthly wage of c.£1,100. Consider also that you can end up with loads of work one week and then next to nothing on the following week, which makes income extremely uncertain.

Once the CMS figure of £120 p/m is deducted I guess that OP is perhaps left with less than £50 to cover a mobile phone, clothing, entertainment and other such 'frivolous luxuries'. I'm not suggesting that his Ex is living the life of riley, but it's likely that she will be receiving HB as part of her benefit support - which is a big chunk that OP won't get as a working person living alone (assuming this is the case). £120 p/m towards a child is crap, make no bones about it. But if that's all that OP can afford then it can't be changed. I am a little surprised at the vitriol being directed at him for not looking for better paid work in order to support his son - where's his Ex's responsibility in all this? As a PP has said, why confine your job search to teaching if you aren't being successful? It does feel unfair to sling mud at the OP for not finding a different job and not expect the same of his Ex.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 01/03/2017 10:06

Cross post - the smoking is very unreasonable. If you are truly struggling to pay bills then you need to stop and quite frankly your parents shouldn't be enabling you. As a PP has said how can you feel comfortable that you spend £70 a week on smoking and only £30 a week on supporting your son?

EurusHolmesViolin · 01/03/2017 10:06

Eurus actually it wasn't "low" at all. His ex knew she was a lesbian and would never be happy in a relationship with a man, but she had a child with OP anyway. Realistically the relationship was never going to last, but she chose to bring a child in to it then ended the relationship, so it actually IS her fault her and OP are in the situation they are in. Nobody else seems to acknowledge this, and whilst OP is right in that her sexual orientation isn't relevant to his question of if her expecting these lifts is unreasonable, it IS relevant in the grand scheme of things as to why OP can only pay £30 a week and not afford to move/change jobs/pay £40 on a whim which everyone else is making a massive deal of.

No, it was exceptionally low, and you are continuing to scrape the barrel. The issue of who ended the relationship is irrelevant to the question of what is in the child's best interests. End of. There's simply no argument against that: you either agree, or you're wrong. There is a reason why even OP disagrees with you on this point.

In that case OP I'd be looking to either leave even earlier or rearrange the appointment. It's time with your DS. It's in his interests and yours for you to see him when you presumably haven't for a couple of weeks, surely?

I'd also probably stop smoking if I were you, again for your own benefit as much as for your son's. Health and finances. I know it can be bloody tough, but have you not even thought about it? Would you not switch to rollies even to save a bit please tell me you're not spending a tenner a day on that?

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/03/2017 10:07

The op is highly unreasonable

He spends £70 per week on cigarettes and £30 on his child

He only parents 2 days out of 14 and she is at the whim of his shifts anyway.

Its pathetic and deadbeat dad behaviour.

Some of the posters on here saying she is unreasonable must be misogynists. I'm incredulous.

Original poster
user1488318718 · 01/03/2017 10:08

It's probably more lik 13 to be honest. I come from a good family, grew up in a nice area and just got in with th wrong crowd. I've smoked now for 16 years. It's very sad. I try and give up regularly.

My ex has just rang asking if I can get her really early so I suppose I will have to do that.

But I will have to let her know that if I have work commitments I may in future not be able to take her back.

She will be moving to wales as soon as she gets a job anyway. So this won't be an issue for long.

OP posts:
EurusHolmesViolin · 01/03/2017 10:11

This has got to be a reverse.

WatchingFromTheWings · 01/03/2017 10:15

She will be moving to wales as soon as she gets a job anyway. So this won't be an issue for long.

Except that you'll have to find the money yourself to see your son 2 days a fortnight.

HecateAntaia · 01/03/2017 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1488318718 · 01/03/2017 10:20

I'm hoping to have stopped smoking soon. I'm on an NHS programme. It's hard to stop smoking and anyone who says it's not has never smoked.

At the moment I will not be able to see my son every fortnight. I will go every four weeks and have him for longer so I'm hoping Friday evening to Monday morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488318718 · 01/03/2017 10:20

I meant at the moment, if she moves to wales I meant.

OP posts:
BilboBagg1 · 01/03/2017 10:24

Some absolute perfect prinnies replying to you on this thread Hmm

Patriciathestripper1 · 01/03/2017 10:32

You would risk wrecking your relationship with your ex and your 3year old over a trip to wales and a tenner?
Why would you do that?

MamaHanji · 01/03/2017 10:33

As someone who was a very heavy smoker but quit as I couldn't afford it, yes it's really really hard to quit, but you can't afford it! Your parents are helping out with your rent yet you spend £70 a week on cigarettes because you don't have the willpower to quit smoking. Don't bullshit and say you can't afford to give more than the £30 a week you pay for your son. Your priorities are fucked up. You're taking advantage of your parents by accepting rent help when realistically you have an extra £300 a month available if you actually committed to giving up smoking. Every new post you make is showing more and more how unreasonable you are. I literally feel sick for your ex with the £30 a week you pay child support and the £70 a week you spend on your addiction you choose not to quit. I used to smoke 30 a day. It's hard but if you can't afford it (which you can't) you are just sacrificing your sons welfare for your smoking.

HecateAntaia · 01/03/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2017 10:35

The £10 a day on cigarettes was a step too far OP.

Biscuit
orzal · 01/03/2017 10:51

Could you drive your ex to a station which limits the train changes she would need to make and also limits your driving time.

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/03/2017 10:58

So now youre proposing one weekend a month.

Ever going to pull your weight or do you intend to leave it all to her?

You're not a parent really.

Man10 · 01/03/2017 11:14

His ex sounds a bit like my DW. She would think it's perfectly reasonable for me to spend 4 hours of my time to save her 0.5 hours of travelling time.

Apparently his ex thinks her time is worth 8 times as much as his.

Ok, the train journey is also less pleasant, but driving for 4 hours isn't fun either.

MadMags · 01/03/2017 11:46

Did you throw in that £10 a day on cigarettes bit because people weren't getting riled enough quick enough?

SuchHysteria · 01/03/2017 11:49

Did you throw in that £10 a day on cigarettes bit because people weren't getting riled enough quick enough?

That's what I was wandering. If you were only paying minimum child maintainence why would you even mention it on Mumsnet. .............

bloodyteenagers · 01/03/2017 12:00

What about when he starts school? He cannot miss a Monday every month. It will be unauthorised. You going to pay that fine or take it out of the £30 for that week?