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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my ex and son to wales

205 replies

user1488318718 · 28/02/2017 21:54

Name changed to generic for this.

Identifying but it's necessary.

I work full time as a shift worker. I earn minimum wage. I have always been kind to my ex and I love our son more than anything. I have him around two days a fortnight on average. I cannot have him set days as I work shifts that change.

I do always see my son though and I pay maintenance of £30 a week. This was calculated by the government.

Anyway, my ex never asks for anything, just the odd asking me to have our son for job interviews or emergencies.

What she does ask though, is I take her to wales to visit her family. It takes two hours each way so four hours of driving when I do take her down. She gives me £40 for petrol, and going to take her there and driving back/collecting her again costs £80 so she gives me half the petrol cost overall. She cannot afford anymore.

She could get the train but our three year old son is difficult on the train, she has a mile uphill walk from the train station to her house and there are three changes with waiting around.
Overall it takes 3hrs and 30 mins. She has always said if it was a direct train she would do it but it's the changes that are challenging and the car only takes 2 hours.

I've driven since I was 17 so never been on public transport.

My family have always said she is massively taking advantage of me and I should tell her to get the train (she can't afford driving lessons but is taking one a month and hoping to be at passing standard soon). That taking her to and from wales is ridiculous and she can get the train. I had a brief relationship with a woman who didn't agree with me making the journey either and said it was for her to make her own way there.

She goes around 5 times a year and stays for two weeks each time. She currently on income support but is job hunting and is a qualified teacher.

I have just told her that I cannot pick her up from wales this time and she will have to get the train. She was very upset.

I just feel that everyone is right and I'm being taken advantage of. I can't afford to pay for her ticket but would contribute something to her train fare.

AIBU to not take her and our son to wales/pick them up again?

Picking them up part of the way doesn't help much and she agrees.

So as not to drip feed, her parents are elderly and lonely so she goes to keep them company and is hoping to make a long term move nearer there. She has not settled in her current area and has no friends or support network to ask to take her down.

I compeltely understand why she needs to go, but as her ex, I don't think I should be continuing to take her. She left me, we've been split two years.

OP posts:
Graphista · 01/03/2017 00:32

"IMO, she is your ex for a reason."

A whatever the reason for the split its NOT the child's fault so not paying maintenance for any reason is unconscionable

B we don't know the reason, just as likely to be the op to blame as ex is. Or it could be blame on both sides or just grew apart.

Original poster
user1488318718 · 01/03/2017 00:35

She left me as she admitted she was in fact lesbian. Only slept with men to convince herself otherwise and never loved me and just wanted to convince herself she was straight!

OP posts:
Graphista · 01/03/2017 00:37

As I said, irrelevant regarding your responsibility to your child.

Original poster
user1488318718 · 01/03/2017 00:37

That has no bearing on this situation though.

OP posts:
RedBullBlood · 01/03/2017 00:37

I'm eating while reading this. Might need large grains of salt.

user1476968120 · 01/03/2017 00:38

So, She used you in the relationship, Got pregnant and now expects you to drive her to wales because she doesn't want to deal with her child on a long train ride and then walk up a hill?

Tell her to get the train. She IS using you in that respect.

And if she did infact say things like she never loved you and wanted to convince herself then.. Well..

Graphista · 01/03/2017 00:39

She didn't get pregnant by herself!

Original poster
user1488318718 · 01/03/2017 00:41

I don't think she's a bad person. Just dated me for all the wrong reasons.

It doesn't affect what I do for my child though.

I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for childcare on minimum wage when she currently does not work. When she does that will be different but when I'm working she can have him.

She has always put pressure on me to have him set days and times a fortnight and has said she wasn't a child arrangement order.
I don't know much about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488318718 · 01/03/2017 00:42

Wants*

I don't want to go into other issues though. Just this specific issue about the travelling to her parents.

OP posts:
EmeraldScorn · 01/03/2017 00:43

Why can't you drive her? It's not that much of a hassle in fairness when it only costs you an extra tenner and goes some way for making up for the fact that she parents your child more often than you do.

Your new girlfriend should mind her own business, it's none of her concern and I think you're being quite selfish to pull the plug on an arrangement that has been in place a while.

If I was your ex I'd be moving back to Wales permanently!

user1476968120 · 01/03/2017 00:45

To be honest, If I were you OP, I'd just stop reading what people are saying. They have clung onto the fact you only pay a certain amount a week and now you're the devil. Money and how much you ay wasn;t the point of your post, the point was you asking if you are being unreasonable and again i'll repeat. No. you aren't.

She wants to go to wales but she doesn't want to deal with trains for whatever reason. Her choice. Why should you have to deal with it? No matter how much she is paying for petrol she isn't paying the full amount., And personally I feel you are right to not pay her that week as why should you be out of pocket for her choice?

RedBullBlood · 01/03/2017 00:53

OP is hardly out of pocket. Ex pays half of petrol costs, and doesn't get maintenance that week. And op gets to spend a few more hours with his son. Presumably when ex moves permanently to Wales op will be paying all costs (car or train) when he visits his own child?

Graphista · 01/03/2017 01:08

I don't believe you'll contribute to childcare costs when she's working.

Honestly you seem to begrudge even the little money you pay in maintenance and have little interest in your son. You're looking for us to agree it's unreasonable and now we're disagreeing you're trying to justify your PoV.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/03/2017 01:09

I think it would be a reasonable compromise for you to take her one way at least. I can see your point, but really, is it THAT hard for you to do it?

You're not giving her much really - 2 days a fortnight when you can manage it, which in itself will limit her ability to get a job, because child care usually isn't flexible for obvious reasons. You're on minimum wage - no harm in that - so you can't afford much in maintenance either, so really this isn't THAT much extra to ask of you.

Stop listening to your family and gfs - this is down to YOU doing this for your son and his mother.

MontyPythonsFlyingFuck · 01/03/2017 01:14

The journey starts with a mile walk uphill and the train has THREE CHANGES. I don't even have children and my blood is running cold at that prospect, especially with luggage for two people added in.

twattymctwatterson · 01/03/2017 01:24

Op you don't seem to be that emotionally attached to your son. This is about your ex and how you don't want to help her. The maintenance you pay is a joke and your ex I would imagine can't have any kind of life because she has one day per week to herself which is never fixed so she has to revolve around your shifts. She has no friends or family support there so I imagine it's a pretty miserable existence for her. You say you'll help with childcare when she's working but how can you if you can't even afford more than the pittance you pay right now? Will you abandon your son when your ex moves away? Because if making this round trip 5 times per year and only contributing £10 to the cost is such a chore I'm guessing that you won't be seeing much of him

Newmanwannabe · 01/03/2017 01:44

Really it's 5 times a year. It's a kind thing to do for your sons mother and showing your son you can have a friendly relationship with his mum. If she couldn't get there easily would that push her more to a permanent move to Wales and then you'd be making the trip even more?

MidniteScribbler · 01/03/2017 02:18

I could some days but I work shifts so childcare would be almost impossible.

It's not childcare, it's called parenting.

Itstimetoduel · 01/03/2017 02:54

I have some advice, you want to get a car with better mileage. I drove to Wales and back, 2 hours 30mins each way just the other day and it didn't even take half a tank of petrol. Cost me like 20 quid.

fuffapster · 01/03/2017 03:01

I would go with what someone above said: do what you think will be the best for your relationship with your child.

BeaderBird · 01/03/2017 03:48

You pay bugger all to raise your child and can't be arsed doing the mother a good turn five times a year totally 20 hours of driving to ensure safe travel.

What a hero.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 01/03/2017 04:32

Practically, how will you manage seeing your son when she does move to Wales? The travelling time, the petrol costs? Will you have to drive him back to yours then back to wales the next day?

KC225 · 01/03/2017 06:40

I think you should see the journeys as a nice gesture. You are barely seeing your child, paying the minimum, unable to commit to set days of contact. Do not charge her petrol money, do it for your child. Tell everyone else to keep their nose out or at least give them the full story. Somehow, I think you are angling it so your ex comes off worst.

You need to start seeing this journey as time you are sending with your child. You are showing your child that mummy and daddy may not be together but they still get along. There is no reason why you cannot enjoy the journey. I remember car journeys at that age..... Sing alongs, a game of eye spy, spot the car red, sheep, horse etc.

ChasedByBees · 01/03/2017 06:53

You don't contribute half the costs towards raising your child. Your ex doesn't have the luxury of only contributing £30 because that's all she can afford.

I think this effort from you goes some way towards evening up the balance and it seems like a kind thing to do.

If your ex does move to Wales (and you're hastening that with a low contribution to upkeep and lessening your support) you'll be making the journey more than you are now.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 01/03/2017 07:03

I also don't feel I should be obliged as she is my ex now. I feel like she's taking advantage with it really as she could go by train

It's not about you and it's not about your ex. You've previously said that your son gets upset and cries on the train, that alone would be enough to persuade me to make the journey.