To not take my ex and son to wales

[user1488318718]

Name changed to generic for this.

Identifying but it's necessary.

I work full time as a shift worker. I earn minimum wage. I have always been kind to my ex and I love our son more than anything. I have him around two days a fortnight on average. I cannot have him set days as I work shifts that change.

I do always see my son though and I pay maintenance of £30 a week. This was calculated by the government.

Anyway, my ex never asks for anything, just the odd asking me to have our son for job interviews or emergencies.

What she does ask though, is I take her to wales to visit her family. It takes two hours each way so four hours of driving when I do take her down. She gives me £40 for petrol, and going to take her there and driving back/collecting her again costs £80 so she gives me half the petrol cost overall. She cannot afford anymore.

She could get the train but our three year old son is difficult on the train, she has a mile uphill walk from the train station to her house and there are three changes with waiting around.
Overall it takes 3hrs and 30 mins. She has always said if it was a direct train she would do it but it's the changes that are challenging and the car only takes 2 hours.

I've driven since I was 17 so never been on public transport.

My family have always said she is massively taking advantage of me and I should tell her to get the train (she can't afford driving lessons but is taking one a month and hoping to be at passing standard soon). That taking her to and from wales is ridiculous and she can get the train. I had a brief relationship with a woman who didn't agree with me making the journey either and said it was for her to make her own way there.

She goes around 5 times a year and stays for two weeks each time. She currently on income support but is job hunting and is a qualified teacher.

I have just told her that I cannot pick her up from wales this time and she will have to get the train. She was very upset.

I just feel that everyone is right and I'm being taken advantage of. I can't afford to pay for her ticket but would contribute something to her train fare.

AIBU to not take her and our son to wales/pick them up again?

Picking them up part of the way doesn't help much and she agrees.

So as not to drip feed, her parents are elderly and lonely so she goes to keep them company and is hoping to make a long term move nearer there. She has not settled in her current area and has no friends or support network to ask to take her down.

I compeltely understand why she needs to go, but as her ex, I don't think I should be continuing to take her. She left me, we've been split two years.

Hmm, can't imagine why your ex would prefer a regular and more formalised contact arrangement instead of working round your irregular shifts OP. Quite the favour she's doing you there.

You aren't doing it for her you are doing it for your ds, if you want to bring him up as a thoughtful person, show him by example. Also make those journeys' fun for him, can you stop part way and go to a park? I remember journeys' at that age and its one of happiest memories stopping at the same park.

Same here SaorAlbaGuBrath.

A train is difficult for and with a 3 year old because presumably they are taking sufficient luggage / toys for 2 whole weeks..... Hard to keep hold of a toddler and lots of bags I would think.

If you can do it OP I would, if you already have firm plans that day then don't. You have a child so still need to work as a team...?

What are some of you responders smoking?!
OP is clearly in a low paid job, with high rent costs, and no control over which days/hours he works. It's been calculated by his weekly earnings he pays £30, which doesn't take in to account his outgoings for rent etc, and thats probably all he can afford!

You expect him to pay maintenance AND also find an extra £40 at the whim of his EX because she wants to go to Wales? Where exactly do you expect that extra £40 to come from if he's already paying all his disposable income in maintenance? (as OP has already confirmed they do) He's already paying £10 over what he would normally pay her the weeks he takes her to Wales. He works full time, yet is expected to drive 2 hours there then 2 hours straight back so 4 hours of straight driving, probably after a work day, when he's tired, wants to relax etc because she can't/won't take the train. Then the same again 2 weeks later to bring them back.

Suggesting he teaches her to drive, who do you expect to pay the insurance for her to drive his car? Suggesting he moves somewhere with cheaper rent or gets a better paying job with more stable hours, have you TRIED to get a job/find a cheap rental lately?! Every job and property has tons of applicants, and when is he supposed to go to interviews and viewings? In work time risking the job he has? Out of work hours reducing the times he can see/take care of his son?

His ex doesn't work, so all her money is from benefits, where's the mob suggesting she shouldn't be so fussy only going for teaching jobs? Surely ANY job to provide for her child is what she should be applying for and not relying on benefits, don't you people condemn anyone on welfare who CAN work but doesn't?

OP didn't choose for their relationship to end, she was incredibly mean telling him she never loved him, was only with him to pretend she was straight, she basically used him the entire relationship, lying to him the whole time. She's limited his contact with his son by not being in the same home anymore/staying over with each other etc, so OP doesn't see/live with his child mornings evenings by default like if they were still together. She also wants to move to Wales and take his son over 2 hours away from him, how is that fair?

She can't have it both ways, she IS being unreasonable expecting these lifts, and the way you're treating OP is disgusting. HE didn't do anything wrong to cause the end of the relationship, and he's paying as much as he can. Asking someone to make a 4 hour round trip at your whim is NOT reasonable, especially when you expect it done 10 times a year!

I understand you're on minimum wage but I'm sure you have a little bit of spending money left every week

On NMW I very much doubt there is money left over at the end of he week tbh.

Presumably not half as much as you are halfajillsandwich. The paragraph assigning blame to the XP because of ending the relationship was a particular low: OP himself has been clear this has nothing to do with anything. As should you be.

WatchingFromTheWings glad you got out too!

don't you people condemn anyone on welfare who CAN work but doesn't?

No, because I don't think I'm better than anyone else or have the right to sneer at them. HTH.

AlmostAJillSandwich The CSA calculated is never all of someone's disposable income. £30 a week is a tiny proportion of the amount it takes to raise a child. He obviously is able to find the money or he wouldn't be asking he'd just be saying "sorry I can't". It's all very well saying "it's not his fault he works shifts" etc. but if he was the resident parent the nursery wouldn't say "oh it's fine just bring in DS whenever". His shift work is something he can only do because his ex is bringing up his DS.

You can afford a car but you can't afford a few hours to transport your son to see his grandparents once in a blue moon?

You are being unreasonable. And you might want to take a good hard look at why your family - who should be encouraging you to build a good relationship with your son (and your ex, who provides the care and stability in your son's life) - are stirring the pot and causing trouble between you.

I always take her to and from wales and have never made any issue.

The problem is I am working all this week and I'm only off on Friday. This means he only day I can take her is Friday. But I have the gas engineer coming on Friday between midday and 5pm.

She is expecting me to head down after he comes which could be 5pm and me getting there at 7pm, back to her house at 9pm, back to mine at 9:30pm.

No one can wait in for m as I have to sign.

She also said I can rearrange the engineer coming until next week.

I suggested she stay another week but she said our son has already missed three weeks of nursery so needs to go back now and her parents are becoming tired. Which I understand.

Normally she only stays two weeks but she had a job interview on Tuesday and couldn't get childcare.

I could not have him as I was working and neither could my parents.

My mum often has our son when she has interviews and my parents help by buying all his
Clothes, furnishing his room and buying everything for school for him. So she does have help from them.

Her parents do not drive and are on a pension so haven't much money.

A train is difficult for and with a 3 year old because presumably they are taking sufficient luggage / toys for 2 whole weeks

I disagree, she is staying st her parents so will have access to a washing machine. You might take a couple of toys but you really don't need much.

You are making an issue now, though, aren't you?

Is it really worth getting her and your small son to make a very difficult journey so you can have 4 and a half hours in front of the telly on a Friday night?

You have a son. Having a child means you have to do things even when you are tired or busy or would really rather be doing something else. You don't seem to have grasped this.

To clarify the "don't you people condemn people on welfare" wasn't meaning you SHOULD, it was making a point that every thread i've been on the masses are benefit claimant bashing.

Eurus actually it wasn't "low" at all. His ex knew she was a lesbian and would never be happy in a relationship with a man, but she had a child with OP anyway. Realistically the relationship was never going to last, but she chose to bring a child in to it then ended the relationship, so it actually IS her fault her and OP are in the situation they are in. Nobody else seems to acknowledge this, and whilst OP is right in that her sexual orientation isn't relevant to his question of if her expecting these lifts is unreasonable, it IS relevant in the grand scheme of things as to why OP can only pay £30 a week and not afford to move/change jobs/pay £40 on a whim which everyone else is making a massive deal of.

I personally don't think you should. She wants to take your son to Wales to see her family - I presume if, for whatever reason, you wanted to do the same and couldn't afford/make a similar journey, she would never help you. So why should you do it? She is taking advantage of you big time. Tell her to take the train.

Also, at the same time, £30/week to support your son when you work full time is just ridiculous even if you do get min wage. You need to step up your game here.

I can't afford a car at all. My car is worth so little I'd get more for it in scraps!

My parents help me and pay some of my rent. But even with this help I struggle. I do smoke and admit that. I've smoked since I was 14 and this takes around £10 a day. I have tried unsuccessfully for years to stop but I am never successful.

I am now on an NHS programme to help though.

I have no money leftover at all once paid for cigarettes and bills.

Why would she not countenance you coming early in the morning and being back for midday?

It sounds like you're both in financially delicate situations OP, but since your DS will be moving two hours away soon and you don't see him a great deal now, in your shoes I'd be taking every opportunity to see him and fuck what your parents etc are saying. Especially as, if your XP does find work sooner, she may not be able to be as flexible with the contact arrangements as she is now.

Also, at the same time, £30/week to support your son when you work full time is just ridiculous even if you do get min wage. You need to step up your game here

Where do you suggest extra money comes from. He will be on NMW with no benefits etc.

If I come in the morning there could be delays and that would mean I miss the engineer.

If I was off I would do it but I have a reason why I'm not free on Friday.
I don't think my ex believes me anyway. But it's true.

I have some advice, you want to get a car with better mileage. I drove to Wales and back, 2 hours 30mins each way just the other day and it didn't even take half a tank of petrol. Cost me like 20 quid

I drive to Wales regularly - it's a two hour trip and it it cost me way more than that - at least double. I've an economic car too.

Piglet - adding some of the £10/day he spends on cigarettes would be a start

£30/week on your son.

£70/week on your cigarettes.

And yes, I know you are trying to stop, OP. But you need to get a bit of perspective on how unreasonable you are being when asked to take four and a half hours out of your life to get your son home from his grandparents.

Piglet - adding some of the £10/day he spends on cigarettes would be a start

He can't afford his rent either.

I've smoked since I was 14 and this takes around £10 a day

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!