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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my ex and son to wales

205 replies

user1488318718 · 28/02/2017 21:54

Name changed to generic for this.

Identifying but it's necessary.

I work full time as a shift worker. I earn minimum wage. I have always been kind to my ex and I love our son more than anything. I have him around two days a fortnight on average. I cannot have him set days as I work shifts that change.

I do always see my son though and I pay maintenance of £30 a week. This was calculated by the government.

Anyway, my ex never asks for anything, just the odd asking me to have our son for job interviews or emergencies.

What she does ask though, is I take her to wales to visit her family. It takes two hours each way so four hours of driving when I do take her down. She gives me £40 for petrol, and going to take her there and driving back/collecting her again costs £80 so she gives me half the petrol cost overall. She cannot afford anymore.

She could get the train but our three year old son is difficult on the train, she has a mile uphill walk from the train station to her house and there are three changes with waiting around.
Overall it takes 3hrs and 30 mins. She has always said if it was a direct train she would do it but it's the changes that are challenging and the car only takes 2 hours.

I've driven since I was 17 so never been on public transport.

My family have always said she is massively taking advantage of me and I should tell her to get the train (she can't afford driving lessons but is taking one a month and hoping to be at passing standard soon). That taking her to and from wales is ridiculous and she can get the train. I had a brief relationship with a woman who didn't agree with me making the journey either and said it was for her to make her own way there.

She goes around 5 times a year and stays for two weeks each time. She currently on income support but is job hunting and is a qualified teacher.

I have just told her that I cannot pick her up from wales this time and she will have to get the train. She was very upset.

I just feel that everyone is right and I'm being taken advantage of. I can't afford to pay for her ticket but would contribute something to her train fare.

AIBU to not take her and our son to wales/pick them up again?

Picking them up part of the way doesn't help much and she agrees.

So as not to drip feed, her parents are elderly and lonely so she goes to keep them company and is hoping to make a long term move nearer there. She has not settled in her current area and has no friends or support network to ask to take her down.

I compeltely understand why she needs to go, but as her ex, I don't think I should be continuing to take her. She left me, we've been split two years.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 28/02/2017 22:26

The question is, are you happy doing the driving? If so, carry on.

I can understand that a new partner may feel this is slightly too much.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/02/2017 22:30

You lost me at £30 per week

That is taking the piss and You know it.

lalalalyra · 28/02/2017 22:31

you do realise that cms wouldn't care about your high rent, don't you? They would only be interested in your wage and your sons entitlement to a percentage of it. Maybe you should do the calculation and then see how different things would be.

To put your situation into context my BIL works shifts. His ex cares not a jot because she works too. He has his kids on an agreement set in court. If he's working childcare is his responsibility. He pays maintenance set by cms and is asked to pay towards school shoes and the likes.

Do you really think your ex - who asks for nothing over maintenance, no extra days unless she has an emergency or interview and who is completely flexible over your shifts is really the one taking advantage by asking for a lift to make a journey your son wouldn't enjoy easier? Really?

RandomMess · 28/02/2017 22:32

"It's more that I feel it's expected of me" - that is the issue, for some reason it feels expected - that you don't have the option to say "no". That is 10 trip per year (as you go there and back) so that is nearly every month.

Perhaps it's time to discuss it with her - you will do the trip one way for her each and she does the other by train?

It is a tricky balance to find - supporting your DS & his Mum and not feeling beholden and unable to carve a life for yourself.

lalalalyra · 28/02/2017 22:33

You say you've driven since 17 and never taken public transport so how can you say that a 3 1/2 hour train journey with multiple changes isn't that hard?

Have you taken your son on the train? Have you tried taking a child and a case/bags from platform to platform multiple times in one day?

PuntCuffin · 28/02/2017 22:33

5 times a year is 10 round trips a year and means the son is away 10 weeks so OP wouldn't be able to see him those weeks even if he could.
How many people here would be happy to share long car journeys with an ex? I know I wouldn't.
That said, if the child is nearly 4, presumably he is starting school in September, so the trips will become less frequent but maybe longer. I would be inclined to put up with it for the moment and rediscuss arrangements for both travel and contact at that point.

lalalalyra · 28/02/2017 22:35

I think a good number of people would do that journey 5 times a year if it meant their child stayed living near them and not 2 hours away.

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2017 22:38

I traveled 300 miles by train with a 2 year old, a 6 week old, a suitcase and a buggy - on more than one occasion, (when I had no permanent place to live) with nobody to help me.

I think the OP is doing his best to help. Travelling by train with an almost 4 year old is not difficult, unless the child has condition that has not been mentioned.

The financial aspect is a separate issue from the logistics. Train travel is expensive but then so is petrol and running a car.

mikeyssister · 28/02/2017 22:41

How would you know how hard the journey is now your son is nearly 4? You spend fuck all time with him and haven't been on public transport in years.

And while you're paying your high rent and driving around in your car who the hell do you think is housing your son? It sure as hell isn't you.

GallivantingWildebeest · 28/02/2017 22:43

You are a deadbeat dad. Lovely.

Try raising a kid on £30 per week support from your ex - or £10 per week when you take her to Wales! What a. Joke.

MamaHanji · 28/02/2017 22:45

As a mum of a nearly 3 year old who is really good, that train journey sounds like a nightmare. Not the worst journey ever, but bloody difficult. I also think £30 a week whilst it may be the government calculated amount to give, isn't much in the way of contribution to the upkeep of a child. In the winter, I have to put the heating on quite a lot as there are only so many jumpers you can wear indoors, and that adds around £35 to my heating bill.

Long story short, you're not doing much. Give them the bloody lift.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/02/2017 22:46

So you resent helping your child because a by product is you help your ex.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/02/2017 22:47

I'd love to see the shoe on the other foot.

Tell you what you raise your child as the resident parent on £30 per week. You sort all the childcare so she can go out and work.

The nerve of some people.

welshmist · 28/02/2017 22:50

The trains to Wales are crap, so many changes especially in the winter. I think it would be best if the ex. moved back to Wales she would get more help from her own family than she seems to get from the OP.

MamaHanji · 28/02/2017 22:50

Oh and also, a train journey with a 4 year old is gonna be a lot harder than with a baby. And you feel you are doing more than is expected of you? You're ex doesn't ask you for anything except the occasional lift to wales. 4hour round trip? Get over it. I'm genuinely fucked off for you ex.

harderandharder2breathe · 28/02/2017 22:52

£30 a week is sod all.

The very least you can do is take your son to see his grandparents a few times a year (at a cost of £10 to yourself... bloody ridiculous that you stop maintainence those weeeks. Does your son not eat in Wales?)

impossible · 28/02/2017 22:53

If you get a family railcard (it can have your name and your ex's on so you could share the cost). Book as many weeks ahead of time as you can, up to 90 days I think. Look at National Rail Enquiries and Trainline. We get returns from London to St Ives Cornwall for 2 adults and two children for under £100 with a family railcard. Just book early. Driving costs more.

It is lovely you are kind to your ds's mother. You are setting a good example to your son so don't be put off by other people. Maybe you also enjoy the drive with your son.

As your ex wants to move to Wales you may have to do this journey more in the future so look at options. If you go by train take books, drawing stuff etc to keep ds occupied and spend quality time.

Could you spend a couple of days in Wales with your ds so if you do drive so the journey suits you too? Would your ex's family put you up? You may need to do this in the future in any case so think about it now.

BevGoldbergsSister · 28/02/2017 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 28/02/2017 22:57

I think the CM point is mute, at £120 a month it's more than enough to feed and clothe a child plus mum is paying nothing so he's technically the only parent paying anything towards the child.

I'd do the journey so that my child could see grandparents, it's only a few times a year and once the ex can drive she can do it herself. Obviously she needs to arrange around your work hours rather than just make demands.

Bahh · 28/02/2017 22:57

I think what you're saying is fair but have I understood correctly in that you've taken her there recently and have no said you won't be bringing her back? If so that's really late notice, I would also be upset at the unexpected cost and stress that would cause. If possible I would bring her back one last time before then saying no more.

witsender · 28/02/2017 22:58

Yabu. You pay the minimum and see your child the minimum to fit around YOUR work
..And begrudge them this because your family have been griping at you? Ridiculous.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/02/2017 22:59

She should go less often. You should still take her until she learns to drive. when she has learned to drive offer to go with her the first time. You can not give your son much monetry wise so you can give him the benefit of not being upset on the train and your time and skills. £30 per week is not a lot.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/02/2017 23:00

Good point Bev.

OP, what do the people who think you are being taken advantage say about your ex switching contact days to fit in with your work shifts? Or do they think you are a hero for looking after him at all?

bloodyteenagers · 28/02/2017 23:00

What do you mean mum is paying nothing? No treats, has, electric, rent, water, days out etc. Who pays for this then?

MsGameandWatch · 28/02/2017 23:00

OMG this has made me really angry. Yes you're being influenced by the nasty "let her suffer" opinions of those around you. You pay almost pointless amounts of child support and don't have your son regularly and now you're quibbling about the one thing you do to make life easier for your ex AND YOUR SON! What a poor specimen you are.

I hope this isn't true but I have known many petty men like you so fear it may be.

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