To not take my ex and son to wales

[user1488318718]

Name changed to generic for this.

Identifying but it's necessary.

I work full time as a shift worker. I earn minimum wage. I have always been kind to my ex and I love our son more than anything. I have him around two days a fortnight on average. I cannot have him set days as I work shifts that change.

I do always see my son though and I pay maintenance of £30 a week. This was calculated by the government.

Anyway, my ex never asks for anything, just the odd asking me to have our son for job interviews or emergencies.

What she does ask though, is I take her to wales to visit her family. It takes two hours each way so four hours of driving when I do take her down. She gives me £40 for petrol, and going to take her there and driving back/collecting her again costs £80 so she gives me half the petrol cost overall. She cannot afford anymore.

She could get the train but our three year old son is difficult on the train, she has a mile uphill walk from the train station to her house and there are three changes with waiting around.
Overall it takes 3hrs and 30 mins. She has always said if it was a direct train she would do it but it's the changes that are challenging and the car only takes 2 hours.

I've driven since I was 17 so never been on public transport.

My family have always said she is massively taking advantage of me and I should tell her to get the train (she can't afford driving lessons but is taking one a month and hoping to be at passing standard soon). That taking her to and from wales is ridiculous and she can get the train. I had a brief relationship with a woman who didn't agree with me making the journey either and said it was for her to make her own way there.

She goes around 5 times a year and stays for two weeks each time. She currently on income support but is job hunting and is a qualified teacher.

I have just told her that I cannot pick her up from wales this time and she will have to get the train. She was very upset.

I just feel that everyone is right and I'm being taken advantage of. I can't afford to pay for her ticket but would contribute something to her train fare.

AIBU to not take her and our son to wales/pick them up again?

Picking them up part of the way doesn't help much and she agrees.

So as not to drip feed, her parents are elderly and lonely so she goes to keep them company and is hoping to make a long term move nearer there. She has not settled in her current area and has no friends or support network to ask to take her down.

I compeltely understand why she needs to go, but as her ex, I don't think I should be continuing to take her. She left me, we've been split two years.

Put an end to all that. She's taking the piss

No offence but she is effectively raising your son. £30 a week really is nothing compared to the cost of buying his food, clothes, rent etc. I understand you're on minimum wage but I'm sure you have a little bit of spending money left every week and your ex probably doesn't. You're also not a source of reliable childcare since your shifts always change. I think this is a nice way of contributing to your ex's and son's life. Your son gets to see his family and not be upset by the train journey. You get to spend time with your son and he gets to see his parents having an adult relationship even when they're no longer together.

Unless his ex has a private trust fund or significant savings, then its other tax payers not the mum paying as she's unemployed. Dad is at least paying the chid support amount he is deemed to contribute by the CSA. Slating him whilst the ex pays zero isn't fair.

If she plans to move to Wales in September, it's likely there won't be many trips to do with her before then so I'd just carry on until that point.

Slating him whilst the ex pays zero isn't fair

Firstly, if she wasn't raising his child his costs would significantly increase due to having to pay for childcare, secondly, she is entitled to benefits due to being a lone parent and unable to find a job, so I'm not quite sure why the snotty comment about taxpayers funding everything was necessary. £30 a week is a drop in the ocean compared to the actual cost of raising a child, she's paying from her benefits which she is legally entitled to! and budgeting to raise their child. The disdain for her is unnecessary and sounds like something you'd see in the daily bloody mail!

I think the majority of the replies on this thread are ridiculous and would definitely NOT be the same had he left her and he was demanding 5 round trips to Wales a year.

The facts are that she left him. Presumably They both decided to have a child together knowing that he worked shifts at national minimum wage. So when she decided to leave him where exactly was he supposed to find extra money and time off to facilitate her decision????

The CSA/CMS have worked out his payment, its fair. He has his child on his two days off. Are you all suggesting that he makes himself unemployed so he can look after his child more?

His ex on the over hand is a qualified teacher with a nearly four year old who is on income support. Assuming the child has had access to a free nursery place and will soon be starting full time school then his ex should now be more successful in finding some sort of work.

OP, you are under no obligation to do this. I think it is commendable that you have since she left you. I would be inclined to help out but not 5 times a year. You want to maintain a good relationship with your ex but I think you both need to reach a compromise.

Completely irrelevant who left who. Child is BOTH their responsibility and when they were together he'd have been contributing more than £30 a week! His responsibility to his child doesn't reduce because of the split. Cms is the MINIMUM and frankly many of us RP's think these amounts are a joke!

If she's not working and only gets £30 a week from you and uses that for the petrol when you take her to Wales how is she supporting your son?
Has she tried to find a job? Can't her family come to her or one of them pick her up?
I'm not understanding why anyone thinks it's your responsibility to drive them when it's a 4 hour journey for you (8 if you consider drop off and pick up). Doesn't seem right to me.

I don't think it's irrelevant. Had they stayed together both their financial situations would be vastly different. There are now two households to run.

We have no idea of how much he brings home a month. We can guess and after rent, bills etc, it's not very much. Where exactly should he be conjuring up more money from???

I

If she is looking to move permanently to Wales what are you going to do then ?
I am assuming you will be driving there and back (and paying the whole cost yourself) more than 3/5 times a year .
It is costing you a tenner to do this . Just because she is an ex doesn't mean you have to decide to be as unhelpful as possible .
Try and think of it as helping out your son rather than your ex of that helps.

First off your car sounds ridiculous the average car costs 12.50 for a 100 mile journey (which is what I have estimated as a two hour drive) so 50 seems more realistic for the journey. Your mpg rate seems high. Perhaps a new car might save you money.

Secondly at the moment it all seems to be balanced she accepts minimum payment and ad hoc days and you do the trips. Have you thought through the consequences she can go for a child arrangement order and having it yon set days.

You in effect are paying an extra 10 and see your son

Its always good to do the decent thing. Tbink of it as doing it for your ds. Its important ongoing to have a good relationship with his mom so do it. Dont listen to others as every situation is different. If you were my ds l would encourage you to do this and anything else that makes life easier for your son as that is the right thing to do. Also on another note you sound young so try and improve your lot in life so you can spend more time with your son.as your relationship with him is vital. Dont underestimate that.

Given that she has a job lined up in Wales starting September I would continue with the visits until then.
You should think very carefully on any arrangement you set up to see your DS once he is settled in Wales. Eg, who travels to who, who meets the costs etc...

Difficult one, firstly I wouldn't take any notice of other people's opinions that your ex is taking the piss I feel that their opinions are clouding your own judgement.
If your ex ends up moving to wales then your still going to have to do the same journey to see your son, so the financial cost will be the same.
It seems that currently you both accommodate each other's needs with you doing shifts and her visiting her parents and I think it's great that you are both adult enough not to let your split affect your son which can only have a positive effect on him as he gets older.
Personally I would continue with the arrangement if your able too but that's me.

I think op only mentioned the reason as pp was taking about it

• talking

I think the solution is pretty obvious really. Your ex should move to Wales, take the TA job. Stay with family until she can get back on her feet. Check what she would be entitled to wrt Tax Credits on a TA wage.

You earn NMW and she is on IS. She maybe qualified as a teacher but I am assuming that she has not passed her NQT year. If so, she isn't a fully qualified, experienced teacher who can walk into a job.

You can then drive down every few weeks to see your son.

Is she a teacher or has she just done a teaching degree then never bothered actually teaching?

She needs to get a job

You need to stop confusing childcare with parenting

You get a lot of free time - so really the driving a couple of hours is nothing.

Maintenance should be paid every week / month regardless of driving you're doing. But she should be paying for / towards lifts

You can only afford £30? What would you do if your son had to come and Iive with you? Stop feeding him when the 30 quid runs out? Can your ex manage on that money?

I can see it from both sides. But fromDC point of view, what a lovely, supportive thing you are doing in co parenting and enabling him to have a relationship and make memories with his GP. Ignore everyone else, you'd help a friend out in need, if you know in advance you can budget for it. Be the bigger person, do the right thing and continue. It sounds as if eventually you'll have to do the journey to see your DC anyway.

For the sake of your DC please don't stop a lovely arrangement.

"You need to stop confusing childcare with parenting"

Spot on PlaymobilPirate

I feel like she's taking advantage with it really as she could go by train.

Yet you yourself have never been on public transport, you admitted as much. How easy do you think it will be with a child. YOU would only do it once!!!!!!

Not RTFT but this has to be a reverse.

ach, she's moving to Wales in September though, so that's - what? 3 more trips? And then after that you never need to do it again. Because I'll eat my hat if you do it twice a fortnight to actually see your son

Firstly, if she wasn't raising his child his costs would significantly increase due to having to pay for childcare, secondly, she is entitled to benefits due to being a lone parent and unable to find a job, so I'm not quite sure why the snotty comment about taxpayers funding everything was necessary. £30 a week is a drop in the ocean compared to the actual cost of raising a child, she's paying from her benefits which she is legally entitled to! and budgeting to raise their child. The disdain for her is unnecessary and sounds like something you'd see in the daily bloody mail!

Spot on!! I was literally just reading a thread where op is being advised to leave DH, take the DC, claim benefits. I'm guessing in a few months time, assuming that op does just that she'll then be vilified for it.

Spot on!! I was literally just reading a thread where op is being advised to leave DH, take the DC, claim benefits. I'm guessing in a few months time, assuming that op does just that she'll then be vilified for it

Sadly I think you're right. It was the benefits system which allowed me to leave my abusive marriage and get my son to a place of safety. I'm sure many people would have preferred that I'd stayed in a marriage where my life was at risk and my son's welfare was compromised. The vitriol aimed at benefits claimants on here is disgusting and reminiscent of the kind of hatred spouted by the right wing media and Channel 5.