To not take my ex and son to wales

[user1488318718]

Name changed to generic for this.

Identifying but it's necessary.

I work full time as a shift worker. I earn minimum wage. I have always been kind to my ex and I love our son more than anything. I have him around two days a fortnight on average. I cannot have him set days as I work shifts that change.

I do always see my son though and I pay maintenance of £30 a week. This was calculated by the government.

Anyway, my ex never asks for anything, just the odd asking me to have our son for job interviews or emergencies.

What she does ask though, is I take her to wales to visit her family. It takes two hours each way so four hours of driving when I do take her down. She gives me £40 for petrol, and going to take her there and driving back/collecting her again costs £80 so she gives me half the petrol cost overall. She cannot afford anymore.

She could get the train but our three year old son is difficult on the train, she has a mile uphill walk from the train station to her house and there are three changes with waiting around.
Overall it takes 3hrs and 30 mins. She has always said if it was a direct train she would do it but it's the changes that are challenging and the car only takes 2 hours.

I've driven since I was 17 so never been on public transport.

My family have always said she is massively taking advantage of me and I should tell her to get the train (she can't afford driving lessons but is taking one a month and hoping to be at passing standard soon). That taking her to and from wales is ridiculous and she can get the train. I had a brief relationship with a woman who didn't agree with me making the journey either and said it was for her to make her own way there.

She goes around 5 times a year and stays for two weeks each time. She currently on income support but is job hunting and is a qualified teacher.

I have just told her that I cannot pick her up from wales this time and she will have to get the train. She was very upset.

I just feel that everyone is right and I'm being taken advantage of. I can't afford to pay for her ticket but would contribute something to her train fare.

AIBU to not take her and our son to wales/pick them up again?

Picking them up part of the way doesn't help much and she agrees.

So as not to drip feed, her parents are elderly and lonely so she goes to keep them company and is hoping to make a long term move nearer there. She has not settled in her current area and has no friends or support network to ask to take her down.

I compeltely understand why she needs to go, but as her ex, I don't think I should be continuing to take her. She left me, we've been split two years.

A good parent does what is best for their child. Sometimes doing what is best for a child requires time or cost. Sometimes doing what is best for a child means keeping a good relationship with their primary carer.

Are you a god parent? What is best for your child?

£30 per week? Christ alive. Move somewhere cheaper and give the mother of your son a decent amount to clothe, feed, and care for your son. To keep him warm, keep him clean and keep him safe.

There's only one person in this scenario taking the piss and it's not your ex.

agree £30 isnt much but b 4 slagging him full time min wage you will take home about a £1000

at a guess
rent £500
council tax water rate £200
gas /electric £60
child supports £120
food £60
car £40 (shifts no car no job )
the guy can,t give what he does not have

My immediate thought is to get a car that's cheaper to run. What kind of tank are you driving that it's costing so much in petrol!? Regardless you are being incredibly mean!

Well if child is nearly 4 they will be in school September..

It is a common thread from NRP..I earn minimum wage, high rent etc etc...What are you doing to get yourself in a position to adequately support your DC and get some structure as I point out again. will be in school soon.

I call reverse too. OP, as you are clearly the mother in this scenario, YABU for wanting to be in a car with this idiot for twenty hours a year.

If you put NMW @ £6.70 X 40 hours into the CMS calculator, it suggests a weekly CMS payment of under £30, so the OP is paying what is due and some people on here should wind their necks in.

I think there's right, and wrong, on both sides - OP, what will you do if/when your ex moves back to Wales with your son? How many times will you make that journey? If you're currently having him 2 nights a fortnight, that suggests that to maintain current contact levels, you'll either be driving there and back twice every fortnight, I.e. once a week, or you'll be staying over for your nights and paying for accommodation.

Either way, it's going to cost a lot more than the current arrangement. I would have thought keeping that in place as long as possible would therefore be in your interests, even if it ends up costing you £10 (and a lot of time, which shouldn't be discounted) for each trip.

Rainbow technically he is the only one paying???

Shes the resident parent for fucks sake. Shes paying everything!

So when you take her to Wales it costs her £70? The train couldn't possibly cost that much(I'm not in uk) as pp have said have you ever tried to juggle a small child on a train on a long journey with luggage? You give her fuck all in maintenance and don't even have your son often and you begrudge doing her a favour? Who's going to pay for your fuel when she moves back to Wales?? Will u withhold maintenance because she wants you to see your son? I bet you'll be back on here complaining when she moves and you can't afford to visit

I'm not getting the bit about her being unemployed. She's a qualified teacher?

Can't you move somewhere cheaper? High rent? London to Cardiff is 2 and a bit hours if you don't hit rush hour. Maybe you could move that way a bit? Rent would be a darn sight cheaper.

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable to query this. I don't know how many people would drive their ex two hours there and back regularly.

Well.....slightly off point, but she's a teacher ? Why can't she get a job? It's very easy to get a job as a teacher at the moment as they are all leaving in their droves.
If you get on well enough to have multiple car journeys together, can't you help teach her to drive? ( for your son's sake)
Like most posters here have said- you really aren't doing very much to help raise your child so if giving them a lift to Wales is what they ask of you it's the least you can do

I think you have been very accommodating.
I really cannot see why a grown woman cannot manage this train journey with a 3 year old.
I regularly did a similar one, by myself, including three changes, with 4 children in tow.

flupi is it easy?! Maybe for a physics or maths teacher. We have been told that anyone who leaves will not get replaced. Theres no money.

I don't think she is massively taking advantage of you. I appreciate that you aren't earning much and don't have money to spare so driving her is a kind thing to do and helps your DS build a relationship with his grandparents.
I took my DS on a train once and only once when he was 3, it was a bloody nightmare and realistically that 3.5 hour journey is always going to take longer with delayed connections etc.
if it's really impossible for you, cut back to 3 times a year but YABU to stop because other people tell you to.

flupi i imagine shencant grt anjob because her child's dather is rather unreliable so she is unable to plan well enough to arrange the necessary childcare.

Willyou, she has no income so dad and the state pay for everything. Mum is a qualified teacher so could easily gain work, even if just supply until something permanent comes along.

He's been very accommodating

He pays £4 per day equivalent. Doubt that would cover food, clothes, heating, hot water, roof over dc head...

Plus on a practical level he only does any parenting 2 days out of 14.

Yep so accommodating....

Wow. Op, I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable here, however unpopular that may be on here.

However, as a possible solution, could you take your ex out for extra driving lessons in between her monthly scheduled ones? That would enable her to be more independent generally (not just for getting to Wales). That would be a massive bonus to her for minimal outlay on your part and would ease any expectation on you. The best thing anyone ever did for me was force me into learning to drive and I will be forever grateful for that because I would have procrastinated forever...

I've managed two 3 year olds and a 5 year old plus luggage etc on planes and trains - quite like them sitting chatting -

She's capable of the journey but it's easier for you to do it.

She could pay a taxi at the end

Rainbow its still her money which is paying for everything. Regardless of where it comes from shes still forking out by far the lions share of actual cost of raising the child.

Rainbows how can she do supply when she doesnt know when the child will be looked after as the father cant plan ahead?

Teaching shortages are national. Some places are fine for recruitment, thank you very much.

That being said, this is a ridiculous YABVU situation. It doesn't matter if she's a millionaire and you're on the dole. You're a parent, and as a parent, you help with things like this.

Just to add here that £7 a week is the minimum 'the government' say the nrp should pay, or nothing if there is no wage or benefits apparently.

She's tried everything to get a job and can't do well at interviews. Always gets interviews but is never successful.

She says to do supply teaching they want experience.
Agencies won't touch her.

She has been offered a teaching assistant job in wales but that won't start until September.

The OP is on minimum wage, in full time work, paying accordingly.
The ex is a qualified professional, but not seeking work.
However the OP is the one being attacked as feckless.