To not take my ex and son to wales

[user1488318718]

Name changed to generic for this.

Identifying but it's necessary.

I work full time as a shift worker. I earn minimum wage. I have always been kind to my ex and I love our son more than anything. I have him around two days a fortnight on average. I cannot have him set days as I work shifts that change.

I do always see my son though and I pay maintenance of £30 a week. This was calculated by the government.

Anyway, my ex never asks for anything, just the odd asking me to have our son for job interviews or emergencies.

What she does ask though, is I take her to wales to visit her family. It takes two hours each way so four hours of driving when I do take her down. She gives me £40 for petrol, and going to take her there and driving back/collecting her again costs £80 so she gives me half the petrol cost overall. She cannot afford anymore.

She could get the train but our three year old son is difficult on the train, she has a mile uphill walk from the train station to her house and there are three changes with waiting around.
Overall it takes 3hrs and 30 mins. She has always said if it was a direct train she would do it but it's the changes that are challenging and the car only takes 2 hours.

I've driven since I was 17 so never been on public transport.

My family have always said she is massively taking advantage of me and I should tell her to get the train (she can't afford driving lessons but is taking one a month and hoping to be at passing standard soon). That taking her to and from wales is ridiculous and she can get the train. I had a brief relationship with a woman who didn't agree with me making the journey either and said it was for her to make her own way there.

She goes around 5 times a year and stays for two weeks each time. She currently on income support but is job hunting and is a qualified teacher.

I have just told her that I cannot pick her up from wales this time and she will have to get the train. She was very upset.

I just feel that everyone is right and I'm being taken advantage of. I can't afford to pay for her ticket but would contribute something to her train fare.

AIBU to not take her and our son to wales/pick them up again?

Picking them up part of the way doesn't help much and she agrees.

So as not to drip feed, her parents are elderly and lonely so she goes to keep them company and is hoping to make a long term move nearer there. She has not settled in her current area and has no friends or support network to ask to take her down.

I compeltely understand why she needs to go, but as her ex, I don't think I should be continuing to take her. She left me, we've been split two years.

The ex has a preschool child.

"Sorry crossed post I see she is looking for work,

I think she should volunteer in a local school when you have DS - so they get to know her and she her capabilities - it pays off in the long run - gives confidence

Not really Astro as they would probably want her to commit to the same times each week.

Your ex cares for your son 12 days out of 14. How far do you think £2.50 per day goes?

You see your son 2 days out if 14 - that's not parenting tbh.

Perhaps take her out for some lessons in your car?

You can't put a price on a good co parenting relationship esp since she's moving to wales and you won't be doing the trips for much longer for her anyway

Excuse my maths - £5 per day.

If I were her, firstly I would have moved to wales pretty quickly (why has she stayed around? For DS to be close to you?)

But if for any reason I couldn't I wouldn't be going to see my parents 5 times a year, particularly as they aren't short stays.

There's a lot more emotional stuff going on here. How long have you two been apart?

'Just teach her to drive in your car'
Has anyone here added a learner to their insurance recently.?
It costs a small fortune

user1488318718 I think IMHO that YANBU in slightly resentig having to take your ex to see her parents.

However

-"When I pay the other £40 I don't pay maintenance for that week so technically only £10 Extra." So really her going to her parents is no bad thing for you and as others have pointed out if she moved you will end up doing the journey alone.
-You sound like you still care for her, at least enough to want to do the right thing and your friends are upsetting the apple cart by goading you into having a problem
-You have a good relationship with your son, and that can be hard to come by when parents separate and a good relationship with your ex.

Please do not jeopardize this because of the thoughts of your friends!

In your shoes I'd look into alternative housing options, and also see about career advancement. Kids only get more expensive as they get older.

Keep your ex on side, support her as much as you can. Hopefully things will work out better for you both and you can maintain this good relationship into the future.

If you are working and cannot collect her on a set day, can you give her plenty of warning and arrange an alternative pick up date just before or just after your work day?

A good working relationship really is worth more than the petrol money or inconvenience and in years to come these kindnesses may well pave the way for better relationship if/when one of you meets someone else.

Allthewaves "You see your son 2 days out if 14 - that's not parenting tbh." That seems very harsh. Maybe his ex only allows this. What about parents with kids at boarding school. It is not a lot of time but maybe it is quality.

This is why the shared care rides 10 times a year are actually very valuable for you OP.

I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride here. I would say help her out when you can given that she is working around your shift pattern, but at the same time she needs to realise that sometimes you cannot help in the same ways that sometimes she may have plans with your DS that means your shift breaks mean you have to miss out on time with him. Give and take is what will work best here, not tit-for-tat. I can see where others are coming from but try what's best for you and your DS.

Tricky one. I think paying the statutory minimum child maintenance is a dick move in the first place. But I don't know your circumstances well enough to judge. I just know that men who earn plenty will punish their partners before accepting that their ex is caring for their child and that involves more than simply buying food for that child to eat.

I think you need to decide whether you are being influenced by other (jealous, grabby) people (new partner springs to mind... not exactly going to be unbiased is she ) or whether you really resent doing something which sounds quite compassionate and in your child and your child's mother's (whose own happiness will influence your child's life see above re child maintenance) best interest. At face value I would YABU and you would do better, karmically, to continue doing this kind thing for your child and your child's mother.

You don't pay the maintenance when you have paid the petrol? ok yep definitely unreasonable.

I think the ex is being precious not wanting to do the train journey. I stop giving lifts. Maybe give her a bit more money so she can catch a taxi at the other end of the journey so she doesn't have to walk a mile up the hill. (I'm picturing a very steep welsh hill 😄)

I'm assuming the child doesn't have any health issues

Have you looked at megabus?

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here - the OP is driving his ex and child 2 hours to Wales, then has to drive home then do the reverse to collect them because the Ex doesn't want to use public transport that's 8 hours of driving per trip, in 5 two-stage trips per year. That's a lot of time and expectation to put on an ex, especially if they aren't getting any say in times/days they are expected to be a taxi service and are just expected to drop everything to go to Wales whenever his Ex wants (and it's not like she has to use set holidays if she's unemployed)

There's no way I'd ever expect that of my Ex, nor would I even want to spend 2+ hours in a car with him every 6/8 weeks and we are on good terms. If the Ex wants to visit her parents, it's on her to arrange transport and not expect her child's father to drop everything and take her. There are many strategies to take a child on a long train journey (pretty much similar things to taking a child on a long flight) and it can be done, it just needs a lot of planning and ensuring you have enough varied and engaging activities to keep them occupied.

Perhaps OP you need to start restricting your taxi service to one leg of the journey - you can either drop them off or collect them but your Ex has to take the train for the other leg, perhaps offering to give them a lift for the journey between her house and the station if they need it? I'd also make it clear that any lifts need to be arranged for your days off work - your Ex can arrange to got to Wales on a Tuesday, but if your only day off that week is Thursday, then she can either get the train on Tuesday or get a lift on Thursday but you won't be rearranging your work schedule to accommodate a trip that is entirely flexible (She is unemployed and I assume her parents are retired so it's not like they have specific reasons for having to go on specific days)

I worked abroad for 10 years - my DD was born when I was out there but when my Ex and I split up, he came back to the UK and it was agreed that I'd fly back for school holidays (where he'd have her for most of the time but we'd usually arrange for her to see my family for a couple of days too) and he'd come to us whenever his work schedule allowed him enough time for a weekend visit. When I came back to the UK for holidays even though the primary purpose was for DD to see her dad I would never have dreamed of asking him to come and collect us from the airport and then drive back to our hometown (around 2 hours drive) instead of taking the train (1 or 2 changes and 3 hour journey on a good day) unless it was convenient for him.

I think there was only 3 times when he did come to the airport, one he was in the city anyway so agreed to hang around the extra hour or so between his event ending and our flight coming in; once he offered because it was a Sunday and they were doing improvement works so the journey would take around 7 hours, twice the usual journey time, I called Ex to rearrange the for him to collect DD the following morning rather than that evening as I knew the journey would exhaust her and she'd be grumpy and clingy by the time we got to my parents; and once he was taking DD to a family event in another town so he came and collected DD en-route and I got the train home.

"There's only one person in this scenario taking the piss and it's not your ex." THIS

I used the cms calculator based on op working 35 hours per week, which came out at £30 per week but that's the MINIMUM.

I'm a Lp currently getting nothing from my ex and even when I do it's less than that yet I still think yabu.

If you're not doing overtime you could see your son more than you do for starters.

YabVu taking the money for YOUR CHILD off your ex the weeks you drive to Wales, you were very disingenuous saying it cost you £40 when it actually costs you £10!

£30 is bugger all for raising a child! How much is YOUR food bill a week? Certainly NOT equivalent to half the child's costs (food, clothes, rent, gas, electric, childcare fees, transport, toiletries, non-prescription meds/plasters etc, haircuts, toys, books...)

YOU could look for a better paid, better hours job, a cheaper place to live, cut YOUR costs.

Not everywhere is recruiting teachers at the moment, cuts to council budgets from central govt mean some have frozen hiring, it also depends if she's secondary or primary, if secondary what subjects she's qualified to teach.

Supply teaching is over subscribed at the moment plus if you're on benefits as your ex is, temporary positions are impossible to do because every time you notify govt of 'change in circumstances' they stop ALL payments to 'recalculate' it takes forever to get them reinstated when you stop working and they usually cock it up and not in the recipients favour! That leaves her with NO money to pay rent, food etc. It's completely uncertain. The only people I know who work as supply teachers are either supplementing pension or have oh's whose pay is high enough to cover their household for non working periods.

It would also mean her paying for childcare when she doesn't need it as nurseries etc won't take children on ad hoc, they have to keep attending and the childcare paid for to keep their place. Plus even IF there was somewhere that would take your son ad hoc that would be really disruptive and unsettling for your son.

Stop deducting the maintenance the weeks you drive her, ignore those saying she's taking advantage (do they know the full story of how little you see your son and how little maintenance you pay?) and keep helping her for the sake of your son.

She's flexible to your work shifts.
She has sole responsibility for your child for 12 days of 14.
You pay the minimum in child support.

And she's unhappy and wants to move back to Wales?

In your shoes, I'd be as helpful as possible. Wrecking this friendship could just send her home quicker. Have you thought about how you are going to see your child if that happens? You'll have to factor in £80 petrol money along with the £30 maintenance.

If the occasional lift to Wales means that you get to keep this (for you) very good situation, you'll be cutting your nose off to spite your face to stop.

And let me guess - your family don't think YOU are taking advantage by giving your son the minimum in maintenance, and not getting a decent job with regular hours that would enable you to see your son more than one weekend a fortnight? Of course not!

I see both points tbh.

If she doesn't ask for much except these lifts to wales, Why would your family say she's taking advantage. It doesn't seem like she is at all.

However; If she's not taking the train simply because she doesn't want to deal with a small child being awkward or the walk up a hill, that's her choice and its not up to you to deal with it because shes being lazy. She is expecting you to pay half of the petrol money for doing her a favour. Hmm..

TBH, Your post isn't about anything other than asking if you're being unreasonable and honestly, I don't think you're being unreasonable in regards to not taking her.

User1476..... He's not paying half the petrol money, he doesn't pay her maintenance the weeks he takes her

Rather than concentrating on the hardship of driving your child think about the extra time oh get with your child.
This is what you should be concentrating on, not wha wha wha she is taking the piss.
What you going to do when she moves? Thought about that? Unless of course you think you are going to charge her petrol to see your child?

I think people are being really unfair. Why is it fair to assume that OP is paying the minimum because he can not because he can't afford more? Some people simply aren't capable of anything more than minimum wage positions. Are any of you being so scathing aware that many jobs are now zero contract?

I don't think you're being unreasonable to not want to do it anymore but I don't think you're being taken advantage of. I think you're taking the piss by saying you've never taken public transport before but a nearly four hour train ride with three changes with a three year old is easy!

Could you compromise on driving her to a way point, maybe the last station on the way? I would advise you not to upset the applecart because as a previous poster points out, you'll be doing a lot more driving when she moves back to Wales. Also, don't not give her the maintenance when you take her that's mean. You're not giving a lot.

Why, oh why would you ask this question on a forum like this? I am not surprised, but am annoyed, but many of the responses you have had. Giving into her in case she goes to live in Wales?

IMO, she is your ex for a reason. You pay £30 per week because you earn £280 per week before deductions. Perhaps you could have your child more often after/before work to focus your time on your relationship with him rather than yoir ex. But you are not at your ex's beck and call simply because you have a child together. Pick her up this time because you said you would, then after that leave it alone.

Ok, Well, Still. If she isn't paying the full amount of petrol then I agree not paying her the money that week is fair. Otherwise, he would technically be paying to take her. If she paid the full amount for petrol, fair enough. But she's not.

She's paying £70 of the petrol he's paying £10 although REALLY that's £10 of maintenance he's paying that week instead of the £30 he should be!

His child still needs clothed/fed/entertained while they're in Wales.