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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the nanny is crossing boundaries?

220 replies

marathonman · 28/02/2017 16:19

Which of these issues that I've had with a school wraparound plus occasional overnights nanny would bother or concern you the most? One primary school aged DC.

  1. Showering/getting ready for work or nights out whilst supervising DC
  2. Helping herself to food/toiletries when doing wraparound not overnights
  3. Timekeeping issues - lateness arriving in mornings, not getting DC to school on time
  4. Sleeping with DC in parents bed on overnight
  5. Taking DC for own medical appointment rather than asking for cover
  6. Asking parents to come home early on a babysitting night then going out and calling in sick then next day

I would just like reference for what other parents think would be an issue...

OP posts:
BridgeRiverTower · 01/03/2017 08:14

I take your point BiscuitMillionaire

Everyone likes to get all high and mighty about nannies being exploited but doesn't give a shit about the other folks right in front of them who are being paid less to work just as hard if not harder.

oleoleoleole · 01/03/2017 08:19
  1. Showering/getting ready for work or nights out whilst supervising DC

If the children are in her home, not yours, unacceptable.

  1. Helping herself to food/toiletries when doing wraparound not overnights

A drink, and perhaps a snack is acceptable, toiletries not at all unless she's caught short and needs sanpro

  1. Timekeeping issues - lateness arriving in mornings, not getting DC to school on time
Totally unacceptable
  1. Sleeping with DC in parents bed on overnight
Totally unacceptable presuming she has a bed to sleep in and the DC do, unless they are extremely distressed and need a cuddle, reassurance.
  1. Taking DC for own medical appointment rather than asking for cover
Difficult one, but if she'd asked you might have said yes and perhaps she didn't want to inconvenience you, if an emergency, it's unavoidable.
  1. Asking parents to come home early on a babysitting night then going out and calling in sick then next day
Was she feeling unwell, was that her reason?
brasty · 01/03/2017 09:35

Being a nanny unless a proper qualified one, is not a job that I would do. Finding a good employer is very very hard. Most treat their nanny much more poorly than you are treated by a proper employer like a school. And employers breaking the law is not uncommon.

Atenco · 01/03/2017 14:04

She's paid more than me per hour and I'm employed by a local authority and work in a school! In an expensive area

I had a job child-minding many years ago and it is a lot of responsability. It's really not the same as looking after your own children at all. If anything happened to the children under my watch...

Yet the parents paid a friend of mine much more to work in the dress shop for shorter hours.

Original poster
marathonman · 01/03/2017 16:38

Me again...

Been deliberately vague in some situations to save being outed but also to see the range of what people think is acceptable and for the sensible posters it's been helpful so thank you. Certainly don't resent her having a sandwich/snack but it's the other end of that - paying for 2-3 hours work a day therefore do not need to provide 2 meals! It's also not the odd bit of toothpaste - showering daily using everything available in the bathroom is beyond what I would consider acceptable use.

The night out then calling in sick, we know she was drunk/hungover. She's not struggling financially either - think new clothes and multiple nights out weekly - she's absolutely allowed to choose how to spend her money but I do reject the claims that she's stealing toothpaste as she's so poor FFS!

Thanks again for all the helpful advice and guidance Smile Next time I will put more detail in the OP...

OP posts:
user1485780039 · 01/03/2017 17:29

Well I think all if you haven't agreed to it! Definitely 3! At the end the day, you are the employer! Your rules, end of!

sunnyandrainy · 01/03/2017 17:44

I have employee nannies for years now and you really need to find a new nanny.
The posters who are up in arms about conditions of work and pay are from another planet (in my opinion).
You are paying a really good wage for the day time hours she works, especially taking into account this isn't her main job (not the overnight bit - I agree that is too low - but you are going to address that).
Paying net £10 is totally normal and I live in London.

One bit of advice I have is use a service like nanny PAYE or one of the many nanny wage companies that exist (I've used them and found them super useful for legal advice / contracts as well, and they would be able to advise you on issues like overnight pay, they prepare pay slips , deal with hmrc and ensure I am complying with the law and it's not crazy expensive at all).
You sound a nice and reasonable family and the nanny is completely out of order and I would find someone else immediately. I have a live in nanny and she is amazing and we are good friends - she is totally professional would be appalled at what you describe. The point is - if you aren't happy, you need to find someone else. It's basically irrelevant what anyone else thinks - if it's bugging you and sits badly , it's relevant.

MumsGoneToYonderLand · 01/03/2017 17:49

if you have the space an au pair is often cheaper and they do light housework. but it comes with its own issues!

I definitely would not like her sleeping in our bed with child. squeeze into a single if child is feeling unhappy and get out once they are asleep. Its my bed I do not want some strange woman's hair on my pillow!

you definitely need a new nanny. anyone who comes on MN with a list of issues - particularly when 1 or 2 are quite minor on their own (e.g. taking child to a medical appointment), knows in their hearts they are not happy.
sounds like she is taking the piss and what else don't you know about?

Daydream007 · 01/03/2017 17:51

Not getting child to school on time.

Saj1988 · 01/03/2017 17:52

Obviously not doing her job properly. She is doing things for herself in time that she is being paid for being a nanny. Write down your concerns and talk to the agency.

Leaspr · 01/03/2017 17:53

3,4 And 6. The rest are somewhat forgivable I suppose but would grate none the less. I think you need to find a new nanny personally!

ComeOnSpring · 01/03/2017 17:54

I'd fire her immediately for the combination of 3.6.7.

If she only did 1 & 5 can be given a lot of leeway. 2. food is fine its normal but toiletry's needs to be asked about first they need to bring their own stuff. (I sometime buy quite expensive toiletries)

  1. I wouldn't be happy with - as its my bed and she has one. (the spare). don't mind DC being with her if DC needed to on occasion - but in my bed is a no no. Why would she want to.
Sarahrellyboo1987 · 01/03/2017 17:55

I'd have an issue with everything apart from number 2 & 5!
I wouldn't begrudge anyone food....or toiletries (not really sure what toiletries you'd be providing). And your child isn't th centre of the universe so would probably do them good to go to something for someone else.

jellycat1 · 01/03/2017 17:55

Any one of 1 3 4 and 6 would be enough for me. Terrible.

KJPxx · 01/03/2017 17:57

1 - can accept maybe getting changed/applying make up after all she is entitled to a private life and depending on working hours maybe unable to get home before hand, however, long periods of time is unacceptable, especially if she's showering, drying hair etc and it also depends on age of child.
2 - if she's having a sandwich and a snack or joining in.eating meals she is preparing for the child/children then I think that's fair but not if she's cooking whole separate meals or taking the food out of the house.
3 - not acceptable, we've all been late now and again and sometimes it's unavoidable but if it's becoming a habit it's not in any way shape or form OK.
4 - to me is the worst of the lot. I'm surprised how many people are OK with it. Children can be comforted from a nightmare or when they're upset without needing to sleep in a bed together and this would make me feel very uneasy.
5 - I don't think this is too bad, maybe she knows it's difficult for you to cover and if like me she works many days and the current struggle for Dr's surgeries and the long wait times maybe she thought better of going off sick etc when she was offered an appointment.
6 - if she is genuinely un well and has to call you it's unfortunate but again sometimes unavoidable however she should make you aware then that she isn't available for the following day, again depending on how regularly of an occurrence it is.

Seems to me the relationship with your Nanny is strained now, you can't afford to have doubts about the people caring for your child

LemonBreeland · 01/03/2017 17:58

2 and 5 are the only ones I wouldn't have issues with.

Twinklecomic · 01/03/2017 17:58

We pay £12 an hour net. (We pay the tax and NI) I have discovered that if you don't pay better money, nannies/ sitters tend to recoup what they believe they're worth other ways. Play best money and it sharpens expectations of behaviour both sides.

DaisyBernardMimiTinker · 01/03/2017 17:59

Okay I worked as a nanny for a number of years before having my own children and we now have a nanny...

  1. Showering/getting ready for work or nights out whilst supervising DC

I never showered whilst in charge of DC but would do make up/ get changed whilst DC was eating etc... I would find that acceptable from our nanny too.

  1. Helping herself to food/toiletries when doing wraparound not overnights

Food is a must! You don't get tea/lunch/dinner breaks when working so it is not unreasonable for the nanny to eat. Again our nanny eats, if babysitting I provide dinner, which is what I came to expect by one glorious family.

  1. Timekeeping issues - lateness arriving in mornings, not getting DC to school on time

Lateness is not acceptable and needs to be addressed... our old nanny was always late... she no longer works for us because of it.

  1. Sleeping with DC in parents bed on overnight
Depends on the relationship. I never did, but our nanny has done. However we did discuss it beforehand and were happy for her to share a bed with the little ones if they needed comforting.
  1. Taking DC for own medical appointment rather than asking for cover
Again I never did this but I would be happy for our children to attend a Dr appointment with our nanny.
  1. Asking parents to come home early on a babysitting night then going out and calling in sick then next day

Again really not acceptable. Obviously trust barrier has been broken by this, along with a massive lack of respect!

£10 gross an hour is standard, we don't pay less for babysitting. £30 a sleepover is too little. I think she may be unhappy with the wages and as such is behaving badly.

ssd · 01/03/2017 18:02

she's really taking the piss

Lulu49 · 01/03/2017 18:04

OMG you do appear to be paying low and she's doing a 50 hour week altogether, cut her some slack. Napping whilst looking after child maybe not acceptable unless child is asleep in bed. And did she call you while u were out to come back early or did she ask you to come back earlier before u went out? She called in sick the next day but she could have just gone to cinema that evening and genuinely was ill in the morning. As for £10 an hour? I get £10 an hour to clean houses.......

mathanxiety · 01/03/2017 18:05

You're paying her very much on the low end, and as pointed out, illegally underpaying her for overnight work.

If you routinely have her stay overnight, and you provide a spare room, then don't whine about toothpaste or food. But if she is de facto a live-in nanny then you need to restructure her salary. If you expect the same sort of hours from a future nanny (I assume you are going to fire this one) then you will need to sit down and think about adequate compensation.

...essentially just be in the house with DC
You are paying for her time, not for specifically what she does unless you have babies or small children who need to be occupied. You are also paying for peace of mind and your DCs' safety. As pointed out, security guards are paid for time, not by number of intruders they nab.

You will get what you pay for in terms of professionalism and you will get what you give in terms of your own professional demeanour too. Expecting top class service while lowballing someone both personally and in terms of money won't work.

You don't know who is buying her clothes. You don't know who is taking her out for entertainment. You should not be noting these details about her. None of this is any business of yours. Your job is to fulfill your legal obligations wrt pay and terms.

Oh and a nanny can get drunk in her own time, and can decide if she is in a fit state to supervise children afterwards, or drive to the job, etc. Just as you can call in sick, so can she. You can't expect someone to take the veil in order to accommodate you.

pollymere · 01/03/2017 18:08

It is wholly unacceptable for her to share a bed with your child. Serious safeguarding alarm bells ringing. If your child is ill, they should be by the side of the child's bed. You need a replacement urgently as this one sounds wholly untrained. Does she have a current DBS and done safeguarding training? The rest of it is also unacceptable but not endangering your child hopefully. As a parent you could be held responsible for neglect/abuse if you knowingly have someone looking after your child with poor safeguarding attitude.

pollymere · 01/03/2017 18:10

Oh, a child being frequently late for school is also neglect...

Ihatethedailymail1 · 01/03/2017 18:20

I think what the op is paying is fairly standard. An overnight fee is also standard rather than hourly rate when asleep. Does the law differentiate?

jayne1976 · 01/03/2017 18:28

All wrong, 2 wouldn't bother me too much, but others very bad!