Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)

[user1487546656]

Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.

That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!

Any advice!!?

Why would an 18 year old want to date a 14yo? Thats my question ... whats he about that he isn't dating closer to his age or that he's hanging around with younger kids? A 14yo girl would be unacceptable w an 18yo man ( and v/v gender wise) so i don't see this as any different, its weird.

I don't dispute the fact the law has to draw a line somewhere etc, but considering this 18 year old is a sixth former in the same school as OPs DS who he is in a drama club with, I'm a bit surprised that such a majority on this thread think he must definitely be up to no good/grooming/have an unsavoury interest in him. I don't think 14/18 is NECESSARILY a huge emotional age gap, it depends on the individuals involved. I think my three years at uni from age 18-21 changed/matured me a lot more than going through years 10-13 at school from age 14-18.

"People saying this 18 year old is a paedophile should remember that paedophiles are attracted to pre pubescent children and not 14 year olds."

Really?

So it's ok, is it?

Semantic hair splitting is what these people love. Makes them feel ok to manipulate children and young people.

Some things in life are up for discussion, because they are not black and white. Other things, however are too important to do this with. Relationships between adults and children are just such a thing. There can be no grey areas, there has to be a definite line drawn in the sand, and the laws of this country do just that. This is done not to incomvenience the few for who it 'happens to turn out ok', but for the many for whom it won't

No mn'ers ever had sex under 16 themselves then?

No mn'ers child either?
No one ever has sex pre 16? Errr, I think they do. Lots of people do. I personally didn't, but ....

I was 15 when I 'got off with' a 19 year old at a party.

Not sure 🤔 I agree with the automatic paedophile and grooming labels.

Didn't op say that the other boy was openly gay, and that not many other children were, in the school? Or did I imagine that?
So the two boys go to theatre club. And maybe he doesn't meet many other openly gay boys.
So his 'pool' to choose from, who he even could be attracted to, may be limited.

I mean, all these people asking why an 18 would be attracted to a 14 year old? If you only meet a few people, and your criteria is strict, then your selection choice is limited, isn't it? Presumably.

I've had three eighteen year olds, girl and boys, they would not have been interested in fourteen year olds and wouldn't even want to socialise with them as they would call them immature kids. I would be concerned op.

"People saying this 18 year old is a paedophile should remember that paedophiles are attracted to pre pubescent children and not 14 year olds."

Really?

Yes, really. A paedophile would not be attracted to a child after puberty.
There are men who are attracted to teenage girls but they are not paedophiles.
A mature man should not be trying to have a relationship with a 14 year old but I am not so sure an 18 year old is necessarily a mature man.
You can only judge individual cases as to whether the relationship is ok or not .
It's not against the law for an 18 year old to go out with a 14 year old, however, it is unlawful for them to have sex until she is 16 and with consent.
OP can ban her son from seeing this boy if she is worried but I think she will need support because it is bloody difficult to get a 14 year old to take notice.

Why so many people hung up on terminology?

It's wrong. Regardless of whether you would clas the older boy as a paedophile or any of the equally disgusting descriptives, is is still fundamentally wrong.

surely the definate evidence of risk is the ADULT engaging in a relationship with a CHILD, no?

BoneCruncher so mother comes down on son like a ton of bricks, bans him from seeing boyfriend again. Son rebels, continues seeing boyfriend in secret. How much more vulnerable does that make him? Abusers like to drive a wedge between their victim and those who they may turn to for help.

I didn't say 'it's fine, do nothing', I said unless their is evidence of definite risk treading carefully is the better option.

I get what your saying having and yes going full force more than likely will cause friction between mother and son. And yes son will most likely blame mother.

However OP doesn't and can't fully know what they get up to. He sleeps out for up to 5 nights a fortnight during which OP cannot possibly know what he is or isnt doing.

The relationship breakdown in my opinion is worth the risk in the instance of protecting the child.

I like to think I'm not an ignorant person and I DO try to put myself in the others shoe's. But I find this so outrageous that my feelings are just protect, protect, protect! (the child obvs).

I mean, people go to prison for this sort of thing right? It's very serious so people are bound to have very serious opinions about it.

The authorities are available and are equipped for dealing with these situations. OP really ought to seek advice from professionals rather than take the word of the abuser ADULT boyfriend and CHILD.