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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)

213 replies

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 16:49

Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.

That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!

Any advice!!?

OP posts:
Grrrrlife · 20/02/2017 20:24

It is highly likely that your son and his boyfriend are the only 'out' gay males at their school. They are probably overjoyed to have found each other. The 18 year old is more than likely sexually inexperienced and probably unaware that they are breaking the law. If you need advice I suggest you call one of the gay advice switchboards who can put you in touch with local organisations for families and young LGBT people. There is an added dimension here which is them discovering their sexuality. The school may not be equipped to deal with this.
I think talking to the boys, maybe his parents etc is the first step.
You dont just 'come out as gay' and then everything falls into place... they will be struggling to find their identity. Its likely to older boy finds it easier with a younger boy than suddenly being an adult and having to go to 'gay bars' which would be full of older men (you dont say where you live). He may well need support too so he doesnt take your son further than he is ready to go.
Well done for being so supportive so far.

marmitemadness · 20/02/2017 20:27

As the adult who is currently under going mental health issues that include trying to get over my 19yr old boyfriend who raped me at 14, plus trying to understand what my mum didn't even try to stop the 'relationship'
I am urging you, OP, speak to your sons school and your son. This relationship is all kinds of inappropriate and no matter how nice he seems to you, he is an adult. Your son is not.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:29

Greer we don't know anything about the 18 year old man. It is irrelevant that he is gay. He may well need support to not have sex with a child?? Did I read that?

ivechangedmyname123 · 20/02/2017 20:31

So, it's ok to condone this because it's one man? How does OP know this man is not grooming DS for further abuse? Does she know his history? How is OP sure illegal sexual activity has not taken place? Is she aware of his whereabouts? Would her son come to her with concerns? Who would he talk to? Would they pass the info on to her?

I agree there a very few similarities but we can only make decision based on the information put before us, something is not right here. There is potential for CSE and OP needs to be aware of the indicators and seek appropriate support be it through school, NSPCC or other agencies. Just because the circumstances are different it does not reduce concern given that the bottom line is: he is an adult in a relationship with a child!

Just as an aside I worked with a YP age 15 who was at risk of CSE, her groomer tried to book a meeting with me to explain the innocence of their relationship! Only later did the child disclose all, including believing she was in a loving relationship only to be passed on to his friends every weekend! The only indicator there was her relationship with this man who was 19! She had good relationship with her family and was a high achiever at school!

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:31

Furthermore, the school are equipped to deal with safe guarding children Grrrr

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:32

I am sorry for what you went through marmite

Grrrrlife · 20/02/2017 20:35

www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/whats-my-area

I am not condoning..i am saying seek specialist advice

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 20:35

This thread has truly descended into the hysterical now.

marmite, I'm sorry you went through that, but fortunately it doesn't make every adult man a rapist.

Just like showing some emotional intelligence and suggesting a measured approach doesn't make anyone a "paedo-lover".

Grrrrlife · 20/02/2017 20:36

Yes the older boy needs support

By all means tell the school

itfcbabe · 20/02/2017 20:38

When I was 15 my boyfriend was 25 and it was me who started the sexual side he wanted to wait until I was 16. At the time I thought it was great but now having daughters aged 16 and 17 I can see it is wrong.

4 years is fine but only once your son is 16, talk to them both together and see how serious they are about it,they may not erven be thinking about sex.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:38

I suggested talking to the NSPCC. Your emotive language is not helpful Elvis

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:39

How do we know the older boy needs support Grrrrrr? Support to do what?

marmitemadness · 20/02/2017 20:40

@neep
Thanks, I think in some ways the rape isn't the bit that hurt the most, it's the fact that my mum didn't protect me from it. She knew and allowed him to stay over at our house, she would be pleasant to him and accepting. This man was a child abuser, a rapist, a paedophile.

OP please don't let this man harm your child, not only will it destroy your son, it will destroy your relationship with him when he realises his mum didn't keep him safe from a predator.

marmitemadness · 20/02/2017 20:42

@elvis gosh and theres me thinking all men are rapists Hmm

Grrrrlife · 20/02/2017 20:43

To understand his sexual identity. Presumably this is also his 'first boyfriend'
He is unlikely to have grown up with many or any role models who are gay. We dont even know how supportive his parents are.

Its great that the OP is taking this seriously and protecting her son in a way thats open to his identity.

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 20:48

OP please don't let this man harm your child, not only will it destroy your son, it will destroy your relationship with him when he realises his mum didn't keep him safe from a predator.

Mamite, I think you're projecting which may be unhelpful and alarming for the OP. Regardless of your own experience, it's very unfair to suggest that she's destroying her relationship with her son by inviting a sexual predator to prey on him.

LoupGarou · 20/02/2017 20:48

@marmitemadness Flowers its absolutely disgusting that your mother knew he was raping you and didn't protect you, and was nice to him! Flowers

marmitemadness · 20/02/2017 20:50

The fuck else do you call an adult getting in to a relationship with a child?
He cannot consent to any sexual activity, he's a child.
Yes we don't know there has been any, blah blah blah, but seriously? Come on, of course at some point he will want sexual activity, he's an adult!

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:55

Grrrrrr are you for real?

Any 18 year old gay, straight or bi knows that a sexual relationship with a child is wrong. To suggest otherwise is bizarre. Identity crisis or not, there is no excuse.

2ducks2ducklings · 20/02/2017 20:56

Fatbag the police would be interested in this scenario. An adult (over the age of 18) engaging in a romantic relationship with a child under the age of 16 is illegal. The police (in my local area) are generally a little bit more lenient if the age gap is less than two years, so I genuinely believe they would have concerns about this situation.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 20/02/2017 20:57

I probably would talk to the school. I would also talk to this boy and ensure he is aware that your son is 14. He may have lied. Either way your beady eyes are on him!

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:57

Elvis The op should be alarmed. I don't know what Fantasyland you live in, but bad things happen in the real world and parents have to be responsible.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 20/02/2017 20:58

I would talk to the school about your son being possibly groomed

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:59

The people defending this scenario, are they all real and sincere?? It's surreal.

Mix98 · 20/02/2017 21:00

I haven't read the whole thread, but I thought I'd just throw in my two cents. When I was (just) 15, I was going out with a (just) 18-year-old. My mum was very strict, particularly with boys, but she didn't seem too worried about this after we had some pretty clear rules. He came to my house at least once a week, made an effort with my family, he was a lovely guy, and he went to college and worked in an apprenticeship. I wasn't allowed to go to his house because my mum didn't know if we would be supervised, but apart from that, things were great and we stayed together for a year! We never slept together and pretty much only kissed etc. Just because he was older didn't mean he was predatory, and I was a 'mature' 15-year-old myself. Don't judge the boyfriend before you know him, and it's absolutely going to push your son away if you start lecturing him about sex and relationships, particularly if you're going to try to stop him from seeing him. I would suggest having a calm conversation explaining how you have certain responsibilities as his mum, but if his boyfriend is respectful and they agree to only see each other under certain circumstances until your son is a bit older, I think that might be a good move. He's not going to like it, but it's better to come to a compromise. Plus, if the situation isn't comfortable for your son, the chances are he'll break up with the boyfriend himself. If you make it a huge deal, he'll probably get closer to him out of spite, whether he's happy or not (coming from experience).

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