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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)

213 replies

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 16:49

Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.

That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!

Any advice!!?

OP posts:

BoneCruncher · 20/02/2017 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 19:12

I see your point goodness and the softly softly approach is great in lots of situations but when your child is in a situation involving a potential sexual predator and abuse, I don't see why you wouldn't lay down the law. I wouldn't negotiate an agreement with a potential pedophile.

ivechangedmyname123 · 20/02/2017 19:16

Oh for Gods Sake!! You are not protecting your son by having a nice chat with him and BF! You are accepting potential abuse and legitimizing a relationship that is legally and morally wrong! Your son needs educating in the signs of CSE so he can identify warning signs in this BF! Please have a look at the website and see if any of the indicators apply to your son!

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-exploitation/

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 19:17

I don't mean laying down the law in a shouty guns blazing i-am-the-adult type way. He has to be protected whether he agrees with it or not. The OP could contact school etc. and have it taken out of her hands.

SoMuchPain · 20/02/2017 19:17

Erm...if he goes to the 6th form attached to your school then he knows EXACTLY how old your son is..

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 19:20

I have had my eyes opened *Bonecruncher"

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 19:22

The amount of nonce supporting "parents" on here is shocking

This is so unhelpful. Neither you nor anyone knows the true nature of the OP's son's relationship and nobody has suggested support for an 18 year old shagging a 14 year old.

I'd be instantly concerned by an 18 year old with a 14 year old and would not approve of sexual activity between them at all, but I still believe the OP would be best approaching the situation in a measured way.

Going in all guns blazing and asking a 14 year old who thinks he's in love to accept that he's actually a victim of CSE is highly unlikely to have the desired effect. Have any of you ever been a teenager?!

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 19:22

Also, authorites (police, social services etc.) look very dimly upon parents who are aware of (potential) abuse and don't act on it. Something for the posters who would brush this under the carpet to think about.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 19:25

No one is saying go in guns blazing Elvis. In fact quite the opposite - I suggested talking the NSPCC before talking to the 14 year old. They know how to talk to teenagers and have dealt with these situations

ivechangedmyname123 · 20/02/2017 19:27

@neepneepneep I agree! CP Social Worker here and I can state with a degree of certainty that OP is failing to safeguard her child and I would probably be looking into CP procedures if this were my case!

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 19:27

Why would you be so quick to want the authorities involved before you've actually had a meaningful conversation about your concerns with your own child?

This thread is turning into something out of Brass Eye!

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 19:30

Elvis the authorities are there to help.

Original poster

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 19:34

NeepNeepNeep Agreeing with Elvis , I would rather talk with both my son once he's calmed down and his boyfriend before going to the authorities. That doesn't mean I'm brushing it under the carpet and that doesn't mean boyfriend is/is not a potential abuser.
BoneCruncher and no one here is nonce supporter

OP posts:

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 19:36

After everything that's come out about CSA in the last few years, I can't believe that people can be so blasé about child protection. It is ok to make a fuss sometimes. That Brasseye episode was made many years ago Elvis.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 19:37

Why not ask the NSPCC for some advice OP on how to have that conversation then? That's not going to the authorities, that's asking for help. You could talk anonymously.

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 19:53

I wouldn't be approaching authorities before I'd even discussed the matter properly with my child - if that would make me a neglectful parent, then so be it.

Whilst an 18 year old and a 14 year old professing to be in a relationship is concerning, it sounds like both the OP's son and the boyfriend met at school and have been open about their relationship so far. Whilst this in no way suggests or guarantees that sexual activity hasn't or will not occur, I would be somewhat reassured by it and I'd want to keep the lines of communication open by approaching the situation more openly. IMO I'd react differently if I discovered that my 14 year old was secretely seeing an adult they'd met in the street or online.

Ultimately my stance on sexual activity between them would be identical, but the way I would approach the situation at this stage would be different.

I agree the suggestion to seek advice from the NSPCC is sensible.

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 19:57

@neepneepneep I agree! CP Social Worker here and I can state with a degree of certainty that OP is failing to safeguard her child and I would probably be looking into CP procedures if this were my case!

And for me, this would explain why sadly some parents genuinely in need of help would be fearful of approaching social services.

ivechangedmyname123 · 20/02/2017 20:06

@elvis86 why? She's been given some pretty good advice and is not following it, that's failure to protect! Her son may not be at risk but why people are trying to get her to sit down WITH AN ADULT who is in a relationship with her CHILD is beyond me! Maybe because I see the damage it causes to children and families i am over cautious? Suppose the parents in Rotherham/ Rochdale should have sat and had a chat with the men grooming their children?

ivechangedmyname123 · 20/02/2017 20:09

And I am not being nicer nicely about it because children need protection from their parents firstly and if that's not possible then people like me have to do it! Again she knows nothing bout this man? Maybe he is innocent or maybe he has a history of grooming/abusing? She won't know until further advice is sought!

wheresthewine36 · 20/02/2017 20:13

I would be very concerned about a 14 year old having an 18 year old boyfriend/girlfriend, regardless of sexual orientation, due to the difference in physical and emotional maturity. You need to find a way to communicate your concerns to your son. If he is not comfortable talking to you, maybe a letter could be a good way of opening a dialogue. Let him know that your concerns have nothing to do with his sexuality and that you would have exactly the same concerns if he had an 18 year old girlfriend.
I had a 24 year old "boyfriend" at 15. I didn't know what the hell I was getting into and I wish I'd had someone who could have reached out to me.xx

F1GI · 20/02/2017 20:13

Although it is a big gap at that age, at least the 18yo is in the sixth form rather than having finished that and being a "proper" working adult iyswim. it makes him younger, he's mixing with a younger cohort.

So the bf is in Y13, what year is your ds is he Y9 or Y10. If Y10 and nearly 15, Id feel a bit better.

LoupGarou · 20/02/2017 20:14

OP, it would worry me that when you talked about stat rape he didn't say something along the lines of "get lost Mum were not having sex!!!" and instead told you that you wouldn't understand.

I agree with Elvis and others, going in all guns blazing is only going to make things worse, and suppose you did report to the police and they dealt with it, all it means is that next time your son is going to hide things better and talk to you less. Or at least you risk that happening.

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 20:18

@elvis86 why? She's been given some pretty good advice and is not following it, that's failure to protect! Her son may not be at risk but why people are trying to get her to sit down WITH AN ADULT who is in a relationship with her CHILD is beyond me! Maybe because I see the damage it causes to children and families i am over cautious? Suppose the parents in Rotherham/ Rochdale should have sat and had a chat with the men grooming their children?

Are there a lot of similarities between the scenario the OP has described and the Rotherham and Rochdale cases, then? Were the children there each exploited by a single 18 year old who they met at school? Were the abusers open about the relationships and willing to meet the children's parents? Were the parents as engaged and concerned about their children as the OP sounds?

There's a massive difference between systematic sexual abuse of children by groups of adults, and a 14 year old who is openly in a relationship with an 18 year old they have met at school, where no sexual activity is confirmed to have taken place.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:21

ivechangedmyname I agree with everything you are saying and am also at a loss. Another way of looking at this idea of sitting down for a wee chat with them both is that it is unfair to put the responsibility of managing this "relationship" onto the shoulders of a 14 year old. A young teen cannot reason the way an adult can.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 20:24

Elvis they are hardly going to admit or confirm sexual activity are they.

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