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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)

213 replies

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 16:49

Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.

That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!

Any advice!!?

OP posts:
Patchouli666 · 20/02/2017 17:34

It's really difficult isn't it. My eldest is now 19 but when she was 14 we were on holiday and she met a lovely lad who looked 16 at most. Turns out he was 18. He came over to where we were staying on site and said he wasn't like most 18 year olds. He seemed lovely and they always hung around in a bigger group and my daughter was shy(ish) so we though they it'd be ok.
They were only 'together a few days and his family moved on to a different campsite in France so that was that. He also lived near Liverpool and us near Exeter so no way they really could continue things when they got home. Fast forward to October last year and weed been to the pub with her and her now boyfriend ( who is a year older 😅!). She had had two glasses of wine and as she doesn't drink much she was a bit tipsy. We walked home and her bf was chatting up front to my hubby and were a bit behind. I mentioned the lad from France and she said he'd taken her into the woods on the campsite, they'd been kissing and then he'd said 'everyone was letting their boyfriends go down on them now' she didn't want to really but went ahead and she said he was lovely with her but still, he was ready for so much more than my dd was at that stage. 14 is very young. They are determined they know best but sometimes the situation etc can become too much, too adult for them and they are very out of their depth and pushed into doing things they aren't ready for.
In your son's case I'd let it be but let him know he's too young and that his bf would be barking the law if he had sex with him and that you wouldn't want that when he seems nice. You have to keep him on side and the lines of communication open. He'll do what he wants anyway but if he can talk to you then you're more than half way there. . Bloody teenagers!

JustSpeakSense · 20/02/2017 17:35

I have a daughter that age and I would not be allowing her to date an 18YO boy...never in a million years.

xStefx · 20/02/2017 17:35

Neep and vegansnake I'm so with you on this. One is an adult an one is a child. Why does an 18 year old
Man want to date a 14 year old boy. NSPCC yes give them a call but no tiptoeing round this one like others are saying it's a man grooming a
Child and your job to protect this child regardless of how pissed off your ds may be.

TeaCake5 · 20/02/2017 17:38

Not sure why people are saying go to police - what offence has been committed ffs?

VestalVirgin · 20/02/2017 17:39

To look for him would be massively unreasonable.

Yes, this situation is a bit worrying, but more in the long term. If there's any grooming for abuse taking place, you will have time to intervene without embarrassing your son and making him hate you forever.

But without any additional red flags I would not be worried much.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 17:43

Teacake Sexual kissing of a child by an adult is ok is it?? We don't know what else is going on.

I think the NSPCC are a good first call rather than the police. They have dealt with this all before and will be able to advise how to approach.

My mind is boggled by how anyone can think an 18 year old and a 14 year old of any sex is ok.

Original poster
user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 17:44

Leggit - I really don't think it's a police matter as I wouldn't exactly say the boyfriend is 'grooming' my son.
Skooba I am around 99.9% sure he's 18 as he goes to the sixth form attached to my son's school
For people asking why an 18 year old would want to date a 14 year old I'm not completely sure. My son does look older than he is as most people think he's around 16 so that may be some sort of reason?
I'm not going to look for him.

OP posts:
SnicketyLemon · 20/02/2017 17:47

I would be extremely uncomfortable with this, no matter if the child is a girl or boy, gay or straight 14 years old is still a child. 18 years old is a legal adult.
Is the 18 year old living at home? If so is it possible to speak with his parents so they understand your concerns. Personally I would ask that they not be allowed up in the bedroom with the door closed and that sort of thing.

I also believe the age of sexual consent between males to be 18 unless it has changed in recent years.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 17:47

OP you can't be with your son 24 hours a day so you really don't know the extent of this with regard to grooming or what else they have been up to.

TeaCake5 · 20/02/2017 17:49

"My mind is boggled by how anyone can think an 18 year old and a 14 year old of any sex is ok"

I agree, however, since when is kissing "sex"?

I'm not saying OP isn't right to have concerns, but this idea on MN that you can ring the police to deal with anything is absurd.

Gottagetmoving · 20/02/2017 17:52

When I was 15 I had a boyfriend who was 19. I had no intention of having sex and he totally respected that and never once tried to pursuade me or go further than a kiss or cuddling. I think it depends on the individuals but can see why people worry today.
I wouldn't have been keen on my dd having an 18 year old boyfriend when she was 14 or 15.

Leggit · 20/02/2017 17:57

I wouldn't exactly say the boyfriend is 'grooming' my son. You don't know that. You don't know that at all. He is an adult. He is going out with a child. That is wrong. 100% wrong.

LoupGarou · 20/02/2017 18:01

I really do think kissing on the neck is a big step further than kissing on the mouth. I tend to do the relative test, ie would it be weird/sexualised behaviour for a relative to kiss me on the neck? Hell yes, it would make me very uncomfortable. Would it be sexualised behaviour for them to kiss me otherwise? Possibly not depending on the circumstances and where they kissed me.

Vegansnake · 20/02/2017 18:02

At 18 you are so much more mature than 14... who can remember being 14... think? What were you like? Then fast forward to 18.. big jump in maturity and completely different view of the world..your an adult you do as you please.14 yr a child...now what I don't get.is what does an adult man want with a 14 yr old child..what can they possibly have in common? They are at different life stages.one hasn't even picked their GCSES the other is finishing alevels and going off out in to the world.one has been able to legally have sex for 2 yrs and knows what he likes...boys...the other is a child and may not be sure of their sexuality, and legally can not have sex for 2 yrs and need PROTECTION,as any any CHILD would.

Sax88 · 20/02/2017 18:05

Probably going to be flamed here. But. On paper, yes one is a child and one is an adult. But it's not a 60 something and a 7 year old. He could literally have just turned 18. So the day before his birthday it was fine to be with OP DS but one minute past midnight and suddenly its wrong? Hard one.

SeveredPixieBits · 20/02/2017 18:07

I would approach the college and ask for advice.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:09

Teacake Obviously there is a whole range of actions that are inappropriate for an adult to do with a child. Not just full sex. Kissing is just one. I don't think phoning the police would be absurd but didn't suggest that anyway. I think the NSPCC would offer some perspective.

Vegansnake · 20/02/2017 18:11

I've had 3 ,18 yr olds..trust me ,none of them would be interested in a 14 yr old child..it would be seen at best as laughable,at worst gross and inappropriate...I suspect even when aged 30 ,that 18 yr old man will still prefer 14 yr old children.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:13

Do we collectively as a society need educated on how to safeguard children? It is worrying that people think this is fine. The OP may not be popular with her 14 year old if she steps in but since when was being a parent about being popular. What if some years down the line the kid turns round and says, "Actually mum, that was an unequal abusive relationship. Why didn't you help me?"

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:15

Good point Vegan. I don't know any self-respecting 18 year old who would want to be with a child of 14.

raindripsonruses · 20/02/2017 18:16

I knew a guy who defended the actions of an older man who preyed on gay or bisexual teenage boys to "break them in to 'gay sex' in a safe environment ". Manipulative fecker.

xStefx · 20/02/2017 18:17

Op
If you didn't know your son had a boyfriend for a month how do you really know what's going on. If you don't think it's a matter for the police it's your call. But I would go to the college and the school and tell them what's going on, also the mans parents may have an influence over him and get him to leave your son alone. At 14 the amount of pressure an 18 yr old can put on a child is enormous and damaging.

Funnyonion17 · 20/02/2017 18:17

What would an 18 year old want with a 14 year old? It's wrong. My friends cousin was recently sent to prison at 18 for messaging kids between the age of 12 and 14 inappropriately. I can see why your concerned.

harderandharder2breathe · 20/02/2017 18:18

I don't think it's necessarily grooming in a 4 year age gap but I definitely think a 14 year old and an 18 year old should not be in a relationship regardless of gender or sexuality.

A 14 year old who has a massive strop when you discuss consent is not mature enough to have sex. Yes talking to mum about Sex is awful but a mature person would say "yes thank you I know about consent but I don't want to discuss it with you right now", not scream and tantrum.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:18

It doesn't work like that Sax. A 17 year old and a 14 year old is still not ok.