Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)

[user1487546656]

Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.

That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!

Any advice!!?

OP just out of curiosity did you confirm that the sleepovers were all at his girl friends homes?

Good grief. People need to calm down. Social workers telling OP this would cause them to consider starting CP, isn't going to help.

I would suggest OP sleeps on it. Considers contacting the school tomorrow for some pastoral care advice.

I've had plenty of CP training, I agree with Elvis
I think you've handled it well OP but, I would be vigilant and try and maintain good open communication with your son. I hate to say it but if this BF is something of a groomer being plausible etc is often all part of it.

this escalated quickly from your original thread the other day, it's moved really quickly to full resolution. I would feel very very uncomfortable with someone so confident at addressing me about my sons virginity upon such an early meeting, regardless of sexuality. sounds like he's grooming you too a bit.

ivechangedmyname123 I didn't but I will ask at some point

Sorry she asked for advice, I gave her advice based on the information she gave and to the best of my knowledge and experience.

When it boils down to it, there is an adult in a romantic relationship with a child and a mum who isn't willing to speak to school or any other agency.

I hope it all works out for them and her son doesn't get hurt (sincerely I do) but I can only give my professional opinion, no point in mincing my words because CSE is such a national hot debate at the moment and it's likely that any S/W assessing a similar situation would have a similar outcome.

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Just be very careful OP I know you don't want to ruin your relationship or trust with your son but ultimately his safety must take priority. Please seriously consider discussing with school or the NSPCC for proper advice. Good luck!

hoddtastic He was only answering the questions \i was asking

It did get resolved very quickly so it looks like the OP didn't need advice after all. But they did ask. Being aware of abuse, risk and danger doesn't make any of is hysterical just realists. It's very patronising and a cheap ploy to say people are hysterical or need to calm down just because they have a different view.

Did anyone see a thread, maybe a month back? It was where a guy, let's say now 30 had been in his relationship since he was 14 and the boyfriend was 18. He was posting in regards to why his parents even now didn't accept his relationship.

A lot of the responses were saying that it was because of the ages there were when they got together and that the parent probably saw that the boyfriend had groomed the guy etc.

Now getting to my point.

A couple of weeks later the same guy started a new thread entitled is this rape? Is talked about numerous different situations between him and the boyfriend over the years. Everyone was in total agreement that yes it is rape.

Poor guy had only ever had this relationship so didn't understand that this was normal because in his 14 year old eyes, of course a 18 year old is more mature/wise/dominate and 'took care' of him.

Op, this boyfriend is playing you big time. He knows exactly what to say to win you over and you are falling for it. Not many 18 year olds would be to talk to a disapproving parent in such a eloquent way.

As for the sob story about his coming out. He's still managing to pay for running a car and had been going to theatre lessons twice a week. Of course he'll never kiss your son's neck again.

We urge all our members to point anyone disclosing abuse to the appropriate authorities and/or seek professional support and advice in real life

^This OP^

I object to AuntyHiro's term too.

'The boys then hugged' expect the 18 year old is not a boy!!!!!!!!! Ffs OP sorry this is making me so sad and mad at the same time that you are falling for his BS.

So your response was "thanks for offering yes I'd like you to stop the relationship now please thank you very much for understanding that an adult dating a child sex or no sex is absolutely wrong".

Or did you just feel soothed manipulated and let it all go happy Larry?

It's wrong OP he's a smooth talker too, the mental power imbalance is all off, stop this now and protect your child.

Can everyone at least get the law right? Sex with someone below the age of 16 is not statutory rape. Below 13 and it's rape, regardless of 'consent' because a child below that she is regarded as incapable of consenting.

Over that age and it's illegal but not automatically rape.

Wether they are having sex yet, isn't even the real issue here is it. An adult is sexually attracted to your child - you know that OP becuase you've seen the photo, yeah? You have just enabled this situation to continue by not taking up this man's offer to leave your child alone.

OP that sounds like a good outcome. Unlike anyone else on this thread you know your son, and you have at least met his boyfriend.

Use your judgement, which so far seems pretty sound. Keep talking to your son and make.sure he knows that you are there.

Good god, my nephew turned 14 recently. I can't imagine any adult around him being ok with him having an adult boyfriend. He still believed in Santa only 2 years ago. My niece is 13, I can't imagine any adult around her being ok with her having an adult boyfriend. To be honest I can't reconcile any of the 18 year olds I know with them being in a relationship with a 14 year old. At that age, normally, they are attracted to older people or persons a similar age to them. This relationship is wrong on so many levels. The power imbalance in the relationship is too skewed. Op, this is where you protect your child and you are not doing that by allowing the relationship to continue in any way other than a purely platonic friendship.

Being aware of abuse, risk and danger doesn't make any of is hysterical just realists

Only problem is that everyone is all 'but the boyfriend is 18, he's an adult!!'. A 15 year old could be abusive. Another 14 year old could be abusive.

I'm not blind to the risks because I was sexually abused by a 16 year old when I was 8, but I think the tone here has in places been a bit hysterical.

Would I be happy with this situation? No, of course not. Would I think the worst? Yes, absolutely, but this needs to be dealt with calmly and ideally, unless there is definite evidence of risk, without alienating the child.

I don't think the kiss on its own is automatically worrying. It wasn't what I did, but most of my friends when 14 or 15 if they had a boyfriend seemed to spend a lot of time seemingly glued to their faces and displaying love bites. From my memory that was pretty normal (and tedious for those in the vicinity). If they go to the same theatre group they do have an interest in common, which perhaps explains to some extent their interest in each other.

I'm not for a second saying the is nothing to worry about, but I don't think anyone here can know what the boyfriends motives are and even if they're not sinister being that much older while still not fully a mature adult could cause problems. I would second getting advice from the NSPCC.

havingabadhairday surely the definate evidence of risk is the ADULT engaging in a relationship with a CHILD, no?

havingabadhairday surely the definate evidence of risk is the ADULT engaging in a relationship with a CHILD, no?

So if the boyfriend was 17 and therefore a child too, this would be fine? But at midnight on his 18th birthday he suddenly turns into a sexual predator and there's definite evidence of risk?

I respect that the law is the law when it comes to sexual activity, but this is overly simplistic. It's an 18 year old who is still in school and has met the younger boy at drama club where they are peers. It's concerning, but thankfully the OP left her pitchfork at home and took a more measured approach to addressing the situation.

zsazsa468 Just because someone is caring and friendly does not automatically mean they're "playing" me or whatever you said

Yup thems the rules. When the clock strikes 12 at 17 your no longer a child. ADULT - CHILD relationship = wrong, immoral and illegal. I don't make the rules so dont pitchfork shoot the messenger

I think you're over reacting to a kiss on the neck, you'd get the same with two 14 year olds I suspect but I wouldn't be happy with a 14 year old of mine dating someone of 18 no way, although not sure what you can do. Not very helpful, sorry.