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AIBU?

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Original poster

Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)

213 replies

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 16:49

Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.

That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!

Any advice!!?

OP posts:
BoneCruncher · 20/02/2017 23:19

elvis SIMPLY it is an adult having a relationship with a child, no???

unless ofcourse you're suggesting the OP is telling porkies Shock

greenworm · 20/02/2017 23:20

Illegal yes, immoral - I'd say that's a different question when dealing with such small differences in age as 17 vs 18, 14 vs 15 etc. In France the age of consent is 15. Is French law immoral?

Unicorn1981 · 20/02/2017 23:25

All I can add to this is when I was 14 I was very close friends with a 19 year old lad. My mum knew him and was ok with it. I didn't dare tell my dad too much 😕 Anyway we had the odd snog but he said he didn't want more because the temptation would be too much and it wouldn't be right due to my age. Whether he was bullshitting me I don't know but my point is some 18 year olds can be respectful. If it was my son or daughter though I would be cautious like you. All you can do is be there and open minded like my mum was x

Unicorn1981 · 20/02/2017 23:28

Oh and one of my friends was in a serious relationship with a 36 year old when she was 15! It sounds weird but they were together for quite a few years!

BoneCruncher · 20/02/2017 23:30

I think that here in the UK where I happen live outed myself ... for an adult to engage in relations with a minor, in my opinion is immoral. I define a minor by UK legislation so whatever the laws may be in different lands is absolutely irrelevant and unbeknown to myself.

zsazsa468 · 20/02/2017 23:33

Yes he is completing playing you for a fool.

This isn't about him being friendly or caring. If he was that friendly and caring he wouldn't have started this relationship with your child. If he really cared he would have took a step back and then maybe come back to your child when he was older.

This is about him being very clever and seeing that he needs to win you over.

I think what is at the heart of this for you is that you are scared that if you tell this man to stay away from your child, that your child will think it means you actually aren't ok with him being gay. I know you have no problems with your child being gay but you are going too far to prove this to him that you are letting him cloud your judgement.

Honestly, you have daughters, would this had been ok? A 'caring' and 'friendly' 18 year old man being with one of your girls at 14?

Leggit · 20/02/2017 23:40

Oh fuck sake you met the boyfriend and he seems ok Hmm

He is an adult and he is praying on your child and manipulating you along the way.

Wake up OP this is not acceptable.

Astoria7974 · 20/02/2017 23:41

You are overeacting to the kiss - it was likely staged for the person taking the photo. I also think you might have jumped the gun expressing your dislike over the boy so quickly - by doing so you've lost your son's trust. You need to regain that first & it won't happen through talking, not initially. Invite the bf around for dinner a few times, make an effort, and then if after getting to know the guy you still have reservations, raise this with your son privately and don't involve your daughters.

Astoria7974 · 20/02/2017 23:43

Sex with a minor is illegal. A relationship isn't. I had an 18 year old bf at 13 & we didn't have sex. We talked, we kissed, we dated, then when I turned 17 we had the sex chat. If he's a good guy then he's likely very aware of the age difference.

Original poster
user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 23:45

zsazsa468 this is not about my son thinking I'm not okay with him being gay at all.
I was just replying to you to say that I'm not being played "for a fool".

And I do think that it's different for a son and a daughter.

OP posts:
BoneCruncher · 20/02/2017 23:49

AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

your words OP Confused

Do you still think this???

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2017 04:45

What namechange123 says and zsazsa +++. Was previously on a child protection team.

Irrelevant re genders, altho a little more sensitive as less likely to have role models. It is easier for any potential abusers to normalise their behaviour.

Massive difference in emotional maturity and thus power differentials. Yes 4 years is nothing at 35...at 14 it's massive!

Just because your 14 yr old son thinks it's OK doesn't mean that he isn't being groomed... It's part of being 14 that you don't realise!! An extreme example - Think back to the Rotherham taxi drivers.. Many of these girls honestly believed these utter rapist paedophiles were their boyfriends..

At 14 you are unable to legally consent to any sexual activity. Neck kissing is quite intimate...

I would be seriously investigating this 18 year old if it came across my desk. With the bare bones I suspect he's also groomed you

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2017 04:54

And it's really, really, no different between boys and girls OP...
If anything young teenage boys are LESS psychologically able to deal with upset at this age.

I understand it's not the easiest position as a parent to deal with but unless you are a 100 %sure that this relationship is purely platonic... And nothing that has been said supports this.. Tread very carefully, your desire to accept your sons sexual it, could have an unintended consequences meaning he ends up in a sexually advanced/groomed and illegal relationship...

It would also be looked at seriously as a failure to protect..

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2017 05:02

Here's the relevant law...
I'm sure any lawyers will correct me if there is more recent changes!

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/child-sex-offences

NC1nightstand · 21/02/2017 05:21

At 14 I can quite imagine that this 18 yr old seems exciting and very attractive. But unless things have massively changed I cannot imagine a single 18yr old who would think of a 14yr old as anything other than a kid. Just thinking about how grown up I considered myself at 18 (hilarious! ) but no way would a 14yr have held any interest for me.
So, unless this young man is very immature or is interested in your son because he himself doesn't feel ready for a sexual relationship then I think his intentions are clearly suspicious.

You know your son and the fact that he was able to come out to you at 14 suggests you have a great relationship so you have to have it out with this boyfriend. I would be ready to have a very frank conversation. At the same time you don't want to alienate your son or make this bf even more attractive by being out of bounds.
I agree that the gay issue is only important because there are less available role models. But there must be something if not then we are failing our gay young people massively. I appologise if this obvious, I had just never considered this subject much before I read your post. I do have first hand experience of being in a relationship with an older boy though. Think almost 16 and he was 20. The sex thing wasn't an issue, but there were many other aspects of his lifestyle that I was too young for and had far reaching consequences. But even the 2 years between 14 and 16 are massive in my opinion.

Skooba · 21/02/2017 07:40

Would DS go out with a 10 year old? Though I doubt he will see this has any similarity.

Stormwhale · 21/02/2017 09:32

I was going to post about the boy I liked when I was 14, who was 19 at the time. I couldn't see anything wrong with it, he didn't pressure me etc etc. Then I realised that even in the last 12 years, attitudes towards sex have changed dramatically. Sexual behaviour is starting so much younger, and in a much more extreme way due to the influence and ease of access of porn. Teenage boys are exposed to pornography that is not at all relevant to a respectful, healthy attitude to sex. I would be much more worried about a teenage relationship now than I would have been a few years ago.

In your shoes I would actually be putting my foot down with this. My parents did when I was in a similar situation. Of course I was angry about it, but looking back they were absolutely right. Although he didnt pressure me into things I wasn't ready for, it is really worrying that an adult male is sexually interested in a child. It's just not right.

museumum · 21/02/2017 09:38

I don't think any of us can say for sure if they are intending to have sex.
I and my friends at 14 had boyfriends ranging from 15-18 who were at school, at 17 I had a brief fling with a uni student.
I did not have sex with any of them.

If my dd or ds was seeing an 18 yr old I would really really labour the point that if they do have sex the older party could end up on the sex offenders register. But I wouldn't try to "ban" the relationship as let's be honest that never works and just damaged the parent/child relationship.

EveOnline2016 · 21/02/2017 09:41

The more you push it the more he will back off.

Leggit · 21/02/2017 09:57

I don't understand why anyone thinks it could ever be acceptable as long as they don't have sex Confused it's still massively inappropriate for a man to go out with a child. There has been intimacy already so it is not a platonic situation. Sex or not this 14yo is Vulnerable. I find the attitude that parents should accept it so they don't 'fall out' with their teenagers really mad, it's our job as parents to do everything we can to protect our children. If that means a fall out then so be it, we are parents not their best mates!!!

museumum · 21/02/2017 11:01

Children don't become 'men' emotionally the day they turn 18. Yes, they are legally adults, so cannot have a sexual relationship but other relationships (platonic or based on sexual attraction) are not illegal.

In a sixth form cohort many 17 year old 'children' would be hanging out for months with 18 year old 'men'... is that also inappropriate?

It's really not that black and white.

I'm not arguing that 14/18 is not worth some concern and very very careful monitoring.. but to say that this 18 yr old is necessarily a 'predatory man' is to judge without nearly enough information.

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 11:35

I don't think it is good for a 14 year old to have a boyfriend of 18 but as I said in a previous post - It does depend one the people involved.
I had a 19 year old boyfriend when I was 15. He was not a paedophile. He didn't groom me for sex. We never had sex. He was very protective for the year we were together.
I wouldn't have had sex at that age. I waited until I was 18
On the other hand I had 15 year old friends who were regularly sleeping with lads our own age.
I would be more alarmed if it were a man in his twenties with a 14 or 15 year old.
People saying this 18 year old is a paedophile should remember that paedophiles are attracted to pre pubescent children and not 14 year olds.

Leggit · 21/02/2017 13:44

Children don't become 'men' emotionally the day they turn 18.. Neither are they Ina par emotionally with a 14yo. The law has to give a line. 18 is it.

robinia · 21/02/2017 14:45

I had a 20 year old boyfriend when I was 16. He was a born again Christian(!) so no intercourse but lots of oral, toys etc. I loved him and it.
What would that count as these days?

PhoebeGetsIt · 21/02/2017 15:35

16 years between my mother and father. It didn't work and for good reason.
If the OP is honest and open then she is doing her best. If she forbids this relationship it will push her son and this young man together.
OP you need to make it clear to your son about the signs of abuse. It could start small and escalate or maybe not at all but I'd be making sure my son was aware that not all relationships work out.