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AIBU?

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Original poster

Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)

213 replies

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 16:49

Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.

That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!

Any advice!!?

OP posts:
Satishouse · 20/02/2017 18:19

I am very surprised at the way some are minimising this situation. Child and adult relationship = wrong. Always. No exceptions

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:21

It's frightening isn't it Satishouse

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:23

I'm going to say it. Adult pedophiles were once 18. It's not appropriate at all.

Leggit · 20/02/2017 18:25

I'm going to say it. Adult pedophiles were once 18. It's not appropriate at all.. THIS 100%

Satishouse · 20/02/2017 18:26

Yes, Neep it is

goodnessidontknow · 20/02/2017 18:26

This is a really difficult situation. Obviously you need to protect your son but the last thing you want to do is stop him from being open and honest with you. Also, I think there is a difference between him having a bf or a gf in this situation as the dynamic is different.
I think you need to try and get to know the bf. It may be that he is ready for an adult relationship but equally it may be that he is a young 18 or that he understands his relative position and won't expect more from your son than appropriate. Either way you will be in a better position to talk to them both about the realities of an adult/child sexual relationship and help your son make the right decisions rather than blanket banning a relationship and causing your son to go behind your back.
For what it's worth I don't think kissing someone on the neck is anything to be particularly concerned about in itself.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:33

The realities of an adult/child sexual relationship goodness are that it's wrong, damaging and illegal.

Satishouse · 20/02/2017 18:35

An adult kissing a child on the neck is wrong. Please tell me you can see that??

ivechangedmyname123 · 20/02/2017 18:38

Actually in my job we would involve police in this! Your son is vulnerable to CSE and this man may have ulterior motives. I agree to have a conversation with the NSPCC but from what you're saying I would be significantly concerned for your sons welfare! This is a young boy who is still coming to terms with his sexuality, in a relationship with an older (and I would guess more experienced male), it's likely his first proper relationship and can be easily manipulated. I'm not definitely saying this man has thoughts of harming your son but by his very age puts both of them in a vulnerable position. If this was reported further checks could be completed and assessment of the risk he poses. He may have previous grooming or abusive of fences and you will never know unless you report it! It's your job to safeguard your son!

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:40

Let's examine this. Me kissing my baby on the neck because they are snuggly and lovely. That's fine. It's maternal love. I kiss my friend hello on the cheek. Also fine. I kiss them on the neck? They are going to wonder what the hell I am on as between adults that is a very intimate thing. An 18 year old kissing a 14 year old's neck is not a lovely, platonic thing is it?

SoMuchPain · 20/02/2017 18:42

I agree with you OP. I when I was about 14 ended up kissing a 21 year old man. Honestly I lied and it got really intimate. Including lots of mouth and neck kissing and also he had his hands down my top. Now he wasn't to know my age (looking back on it I don't think he would know my age as I did look older) but literally the moment he found out I was 14 (it took like 2 days) he had absolutely nothing to do with me and I was heartbroken. Looking back I was so so young and vulnerable and I really thought I was in love with this guy. I wish at the time one of my friends had done the same and told my mum. If only to stop me having things done to me sexually that I was very very young for. I do feel terrible that I lied to him. I felt so so bad. He wasn't predatory but this man sounds predatory. Your son needs protection.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 20/02/2017 18:44

As a PP suggested, point out to DS that unless the relationship remains "innocent" (phrase it better than that!) his boyfriend could end up in a lot of trouble / on the sex offenders register.

IME he may respond better to that than you telling him he's too young / BF too old etc.

Chloe84 · 20/02/2017 18:44

I can't understand why people are minimising guess.

OP, it does not matter if your son looks 16 or acts mature - he is a child and his boyfriend is a man.

I would be contacting the school and the man's parents to say their relationship is inappropriate and you want it to stop.

Chloe84 · 20/02/2017 18:45

*minimising this

Original poster
user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 18:45

Son came home. I asked him if he got my messages, he groaned and I said we needed to talk.
I managed to get him sitting on the sofa and as soon as I mentioned that any sex they had would be statutory rape he said: "it's not like that you wouldn't understand!"
I reminded him he is only fourteen and is still vulnerable to which he started to tell me that I "don't know anything about love" and started shouting about my and his father's (who he doesn't know) relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 18:46

He then proceeded to storm out the house and hasn't come back.

OP posts:
NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 18:51

I would say you need some support on this OP. Why don't you phone the NSPCC for some advice.

Some posters suggesting contacting the 18 year old's parents. The point is that he is an adult so I'm not sure what that would achieve in terms of safeguarding the child involved.

PhoebeGetsIt · 20/02/2017 18:52

If I was in your shoes OP I'd tell him to get home and to bring tlhis bf along too. He wants to be treated like a grown up then it's time he behaved like one.
You need to tell him your relationship with his dad has nothing to do with his situation now. I'd be having the sex talk with them both. Yes his boyfriend is 18 but still needs to know he would be breaking the law to engage in sexual activity with a 14 year old boy.
They both need to be honest.

ivechangedmyname123 · 20/02/2017 18:53

My advice would be to text him and say"If you aren't home by x time, I will be reporting you missing to the police" and follow it through. Being away from the home and lack of communication with parents are some indicators of CSE. I would mention (if you do end up reporting him missing) to the police that he has a boyfriend (give name and age) and you think he may be with him. That way they can complete checks on him and you're not deliberately reporting the boyfriend only concerned for his whereabouts.

goodnessidontknow · 20/02/2017 18:59

@neepneepneep I agree which is why I suggested that getting to the stage of being able to have that conversation in a supportive way is likely to have the desired outcome ie both DS and bf agreeing that a sexual relationship is inappropriate not to mention illegal.
Laying down the law to a stroppy 14 year old who thinks he is in love is going to do precisely the opposite.

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 20/02/2017 19:03

Ok I really think you need to try again with talking to your son and this time let him do the talking and listen. I totally get that the mum instincts are screaming but you will get further with a softly softly approach rather than going straight for the statutory rape comment. I have been there. My dd was going out with a boy/ man of 18 when she was 14. He was 18 and it scared me to death so I asked if I could chat to them together to allay my fears. He assured me they weren't and wouldn't be having sex until she was older and I told him I needed, as her mother to get to know him better. He would stay over sometimes on the sofa and was nothing but respectful. I started including him in family meals, outings etc and watched them like a hawk! Eventually I relaxed. They were lovely together and I grew to really like him as a person. Now fast forward 12 years on they are buying a house and I have a gorgeous 3 year old grandson.
Just saying that if I had gone in all guns blazing I could have alienated both of them and it could have been a very different outcome.

BoneCruncher · 20/02/2017 19:04

A pedophile is a pedophile however you choose to word it.

0dfod · 20/02/2017 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vegansnake · 20/02/2017 19:09

You need to play hard ball op....text him..I want you home by x oclock or I am reporting you missing to the police...my friend had to do this,the police searched her room,read her diary and visited her friends parents till they found her....he's manipulating him ,the very fact your son is saying it's true love and you don't understand are big warning bells....in your shoes right now I'd be going to find this boyfriend for a talk....I'd be telling him my son was vulnerable and immature,and that I was contacting the police and he will end up the sex offenders register,if he touches my son...

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 19:10

Eeek - this is tough.

I think that whilst a 14 year old with an 18 year old would be concerning regardless of gender or sexuality, the OP's son's sexuality is relevant as even if the OP and her son are 100% comfortable with it and to discuss it, at the very least it's likely to be something for the OP's son to sling back at her in an argument (and I say this as a gay man myself). Also, it may explain why an 18 year old may gravitate towards a 14 year old if he doesn't know many other gay people (not that this would legitimise a sexual relationship between them).

I think I would suggest insisting that the son and the boyfriend meet with you so that you can all have an honest conversation. I wouldn't be confrontational, but I would ask genuinely about the nature of their relationship and what the boyfriend is seeking from your son. Explaining your concerns whilst appearing genuinely interested and willing to listen may elicit a better response.

Sexual activity between them would be wrong and illegal, but if they can convince you that they both understand this and aren't seeking this from the relationship, I would be willing to consider permitting the relationship with clear ground rules.