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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Innaproapriate kissing?!? (14&18 year old)

213 replies

user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 16:49

Original post(for context):
I just joined this site as I need some advice that I doubt many mums I know in real life will understand.

I have a 14 year old son, who told me he was gay around a year ago, which I'm totally fine with.
He also told me a fortnight ago that he had a boyfriend who he'd been with for around a month. Which I was completely fine with.
It wasn't until Thursday that I finally met this 'boyfriend' and I wouldn't exactly say I was impressed. While he seemed like a nice, respectful young man he looked much older than expected and he told me he was 18.
I've tried talking to my son about this and he said it's completely fine. When I tried to bring up the whole 'consent' talk he screamed and dramatically stormed off (which I do understand).
Note: my son is quite mature and looks older than he is.
AIBU to think my son shouldn't have a boyfriend who is an adult?!

New part of post:
My son texted me after school today saying that he was going into town with his friends, which he does a lot. But this time I decided to call him to make sure he was telling the truth. And yes, during the call I could hear his friends shouting in the background (they're a very loud group) and I was happy.

That was until about twenty minutes ago when my eldest daughter (17) came in showing me an Instagram photo of my son sitting on a bench next to his boyfriend with the boyfriend's arm around him and kissing my son's neck! It was taken my a 3rd party so they're not alone but it made me extremely uncomfortable.
I was not told my son's 18 year old boyfriend would be with them. I've met him and whilst he seems like a nice, handsome young man, I can't get it out of my head that he may want more than what my son is willing to give him and be pressured into doing it.
Whilst writing this, my daughter has told me that the photo has been deleted, and I assume one of my other daughters messaged him that I saw it (to which neither have admitted).
I've tried calling him and texting him but he isn't replying at all! I have no idea what to do. Should I go into town and try and look for him? Should I just wait?!?
Or AIBU to react this much. My daughters are saying I'm overreacting!

Any advice!!?

OP posts:
Nipperknight · 20/02/2017 21:01

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/grooming/

You are right to be concerned.

Original poster
user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 21:01

For anyone who cares shortly after my last post and whilst this thread became an utter shit-show my son came home, with his boyfriend. Apparently, my son walked all the way to boyfriend’s house. He then told the boyfriend everything we had talked about and what I had said and after my son had calmed down his boyfriend drove him straight back home.
The three of us talked a lot and I’ve learned a lot about the boyfriend. I now know that his parents weren’t supportive at all of him and kicked him out when he came out, he also said he lost a lot of friends to it as well. So your suggestions of talking to his parents are a no-go. He said he’d had relationships with females before coming out but this was his first gay relationship. I asked him about the photo on my son’s instagram and he said that he completely understood why I was uncomfortable with it and wouldn’t do it again. He completely understood my concern and said that he was happy that my son had someone who cared about him as much as he did. (Writing it like that sounds creepy but it really wasn’t when he said it). He said that he doesn’t want to break up with my son but if I felt extremely uncomfortable and that my son was unsafe then he would to make sure my son and my relationship wasn’t damaged, which made my son cry. He said that he knew my son was underage and would never try anything until they were both legal and even then wouldn’t until my son was ready. The boys then hugged and he left, thanking me for letting him explain.
Thank you all for your concern.

OP posts:
elvis86 · 20/02/2017 21:05

Totally agree with Mix98.

OP - I'm glad to hear you talked and feel better about the situation. Regardless of what anyone else here thinks or experiences, you're in the best position to assess the situation in real life and do what you feel is in the best interests of your son.

Satishouse · 20/02/2017 21:06

Their relationship is innaproriate - it is a child and an adult. As that child's parent there should be no possible explanation or scenario that makes it acceptable to you

Italiangreyhound · 20/02/2017 21:06

user1487546656 I am sorry this is happening, I am sure it is worrying.

Gay or straight, your son is a child of 14 and this is an adult. When I first saw the post thought the boyfriend would be an adult and your child would be the girl, and already in my head thought I would not be happy with that. So nothing about being gay or being straight.

However, convincing your son is another thing. I think what you can do is talk to him and also point out your concerns. Yes, speak to NSPCC.

It's all very well for your daughters to not be concerned but you are the mum.

Patch I am so sorry it was horrible to read of your daughter being pressurised to go further than she wanted at age 14, utter shit.

Marmite I am so sorry for what you went through.

Sorry not read all posts but tried to read yours OP and some others.

XX [hugs]

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 21:08

Glad you're happy with it all OP. It got resolved very quickly which must be a relief.

auntyhiro · 20/02/2017 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Italiangreyhound · 20/02/2017 21:10

Ah I must have missed update. Hope things continue well.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 21:11

Well OP the information from your other thread does add something doesn't it.

They go to the same theater club(twice a week) and the boyfriend also goes to the sixth form attached to my son's school.
Yes he knows my son is 14

BettyBaggins · 20/02/2017 21:12

Talking to pastoral care for advice sounds wise. I'd also be inclined to find out a little more about the 18 yr old boyfriend. Does he have approachable parents for example? Does anyone know who his last bf was?

Sorry if you mentioned this but do you have an understanding but firm dp, db, bil, df etc around to support the situation?

Have you had a good chat about sexual relationships, condoms, sti's etc with your son? There are some other good pointers in this article that could help with that conversation.

gaylife.about.com/od/parentsofgayteens/qt/gaysonsex.htm

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 21:14

Well OP the information from your other thread does add something doesn't it.

You appear to have changed your tune now NeepNeepNeep, but your previous posts were completely disproportionate even without the "additional information" from the OP.

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 21:17

Actually Elvis I haven't changed my tune one bit. My point is people were questioning if the 18 year old knew the 14 year old's age and apparently they do.

Completely disroportionate in your opinion Elvis. What CP training have you had?

Satishouse · 20/02/2017 21:19

I am wondering how you can be completely disproportionate about an adult having a relationship with a CHILD

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 21:20

What is hysterical or disproportionate about suggesting the OP pick up a phone and ask for advice? Bit goady Elvis Just a bit too obvious.

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 21:21

*Actually Elvis I haven't changed my tune one bit. My point is people were questioning if the 18 year old knew the 14 year old's age and apparently they do.

Completely disroportionate in your opinion Elvis. What CP training have you had?*

I never claimed to have had any training. Doesn't mean I'm any less entitled to an opinion, though.Wink

Original poster
user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 21:21

auntyhiro First off, please don't describe my son as "a cute little twink"
How can you possible be "100%" sure he's being groomed from the very limited information you have access to?? I mentioned the sex which obviously includes stis/stds in my previous post

OP posts:
auntyhiro · 20/02/2017 21:22

I worked in a boys boarding school.

Original poster
user1487546656 · 20/02/2017 21:23

auntyhiro That genuinely adds nothing to your arguement but good for you I guess...?

OP posts:
NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 21:24

Lovely Elvis. Nice subject to have a bunfight over.

Your son may not be being groomed. He may be entirely willing but he still can't give informed consent as he is a child.

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 21:25

What is hysterical or disproportionate about suggesting the OP pick up a phone and ask for advice? Bit goady Elvis Just a bit too obvious.

That wasn't all you said or suggested. And I'm not sure what you're getting at with the obvious comment?

Satishouse · 20/02/2017 21:26

Adult and CHILD
Adult and CHILD
Why for the love of God is there even any debate about this scenario? It's an adult and a child having a relationship

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 21:26

Elvis I am not feeding your anymore.

auntyhiro · 20/02/2017 21:27

Indeed, what does a wealth of experience with thousands of young men aid at all Hmm

Why even bother asking other peoples opinions? Is it to prematurely assuage your conscience?

elvis86 · 20/02/2017 21:28

Elvis I am not feeding your anymore.

Over and out.Wink

NeepNeepNeep · 20/02/2017 21:29

Satishouse It's beyond belief really. The OP is satisfied now so all's well that ends well and they got some good advice on both threads.