To ask for your best-bad jokes

[Maryhadalittlelambstew]

Not an aibu really but it's midnight and I can't sleep!

Please give us all a laugh and share your best/worst jokes or even chat up lines.

My DD aged 13 has been telling this joke for years..."what did the ghost say to the bee?....Boo-bee"!

My guilty favourite one liner..."I went to the zoo the other day, it was awful. Absolute rubbish. They only had one animal, a dog...it was a shit-zhou"!

I went to the butchers the other day. Got there and the man behind the counter said "I bet you £100 that you can't reach that filet mignon right up there on the top shelf".

I said "I'm sorry, the stakes are too high".

Can you put the kettle on?
I can try but I don't think it'll fit.

Whenever I'm put on the spot I can only come up with what's brown and sticky (a stick) and what's brown and sounds like a bell (dung! Thank you Monty Python) I look forward to seeing someone outdo that level of crapness!

What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard!
The best/worst joke ever.

What's blue and smells of red paint?

Blue paint.

I'm not very good at jokes.

Ha! That's brilliant @missbishi

@Schwifty I saw the brown and sticky one (not sure if it was you) on another thread! It made me smile so I started this one! Xx

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

Foot prints in the butter.

How do you know if there's two elephants in your fridge?

Two sets of foot prints!

How do you know if there's three elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

Are you on Twitter? Look up Hacker T Dog for some terrible (funny) puns and jokes.

@mintthins and @Muddlewitch both awfully good contenders! Xx

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

My good friend Gavin died of a heartburn attack

I still can't believe Gaviscon....

Can't lie, crap jokes are my favourite.

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink Fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?

Pink fluff holding its breath.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?

Don't cry, it's only a joke.

Knock knock

Whose there?

Egg

Egg who?

Egg-burt no bacon

First joke my dad ever told me! I was 5 at the time, me and my sister thought it was hilarious!

Mary thank you, I'm here all week

I know you've asked for dad jokes but has anyone ever seen those lists of made up kid jokes? I don't know if my sense of humour is just really infantile but I always find them absolutely hilarious.

What do cannibals call boys on bikes? Meals on Wheels.

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
You pokemon

@WorralLiberty you're on it!

How many elephants can you fit in a mini?

Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

What do four elephants in a mini play?

Squash.

I bought my ex a fantastic t shirt that had a periodic table symbol that said "Ah"...."the element of surprise"

Andy has 150 bars of chocolate. Andy ears 125 of them. What does Andy have now? Andy has diabetes now.

A favourite of my dads.

Bahh no I haven't seen it but...

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

With some jam in the middle

What 😂

What does a hippie say to a horse?

Hippie-ki-yay