To ask for your best-bad jokes

[Maryhadalittlelambstew]

Not an aibu really but it's midnight and I can't sleep!

Please give us all a laugh and share your best/worst jokes or even chat up lines.

My DD aged 13 has been telling this joke for years..."what did the ghost say to the bee?....Boo-bee"!

My guilty favourite one liner..."I went to the zoo the other day, it was awful. Absolute rubbish. They only had one animal, a dog...it was a shit-zhou"!

What kind bees make milk?

Boobies!!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house!

Knock knock
Whose there?
The chicken.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the street?

My mother's favourite joke:

"Mummy, mummy, why so I keep going round in circles?"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor".

Erm... Should I be worried?!

Tim vine is great for these sort of jokes, I find that watching him on YouTube or searching for a list of his jokes normally cheers me up

Here is 3 to keep you going

I remember seeing some great auto corrects on buzz feed xx

www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever?utm_term=.xuyvoGoBL#.ymqOxdxZ6

My so-called best friend has been saying stuff about me - that I'm paranoid and invade her privacy.
That's what she wrote in her diary, anyway.

Did you hear the one about the paedophiles in a lift? Just wrong, on so many levels.

@honeylulu I don't get it?!

Ooooh I do now!

Lady in bath, doorbell rings.
Calls out "who is it?"
"The blind man" he replies.
So she opens the door without bothering to put a towel on.
Man says "Nice tits, love - where do you want your Venetian blinds?"

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's green and has wheels??

Grass... I lied about the wheels.

Silly but funny

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Q: Name two crustaceans.

A: Kings Cross station and Charing Cross Station

Thank you Harry Hill!

Sugarlightly that has really tickled me 😂

my son got a peanut stuck in his ear, we took him to the hospital and they poured some chocolate it.... it came out a treat

My mum said I was mad to make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

What did the accountant do when he was constipated?
He worked it out with a pencil

What's the difference between a bus stop and a crab with big boobs?
One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean

Guy in the supermarket sees a woman looking at him and she comes over. 'I think you're the father of one of my children' she says. He racks his brains.....' Oh no, are you that stripper that I met in Vegas on my stag do , shagged on the pool table and left without saying goodbye?'

'No' she replies. 'Your son is in my class......'

Staff room joke!

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo

Really enjoying this thread. Some crackers. Some need more thought.

Here's my offering.

What do you call a farmer who falls out with his tractor?

An ex tractor fan.

I'm giving up playing darts. I don't really see the point